Fandom: Stephen King's Nightmares and Dreamscapes
Summary: A closer more in-depth look into one part of the story 'The End of the Whole Mess'.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's a wicked book though! Loved it all!!
A/N: I just thought I would have to write this because I couldn't shift the idea after a week of it not leaving me alone. Big thanks to my dad simply because he bought me the book. Luv Ya Dad!
The night Bobby turned up on my door step I found it hard not to sob with everything that I had. I had to hold it together for him; but it was a close run thing. I nearly didn't hold out, but I did and looking back I still don't understand how I managed it, but I did and that's all there is to it I guess.
But seeing Bobby like he was that night in my minds eye still sends cold shivers up my spine.
Bobby that night had stood before me; his skin ashen; streams of tears flowing endlessly down his cheeks, the light reflected of his tears and cast an almost poetic appearance in my opinion. His eyes were red from crying and I noticed that his hands were trembling slightly. His whole frame looked thin and frail; his clothes hanging off him from severe weight loss.
I must have looked horrified at first because Bobby looked at me unsettling for a few moments before a fresh wave of tears broke free from his eyes and his knees crumpling beneath him; leaving him a sobbing mass on my door step with me looking horrified, yet at a loss at how to comfort him or even talk to him.
I also felt a wave of self hatred as a brother; I just stood there dumfounded, while my brother wept his heart out. Some older brother I am, I was supposed to protect Bobby from that kind of hurt, I was supposed to shelter him from the worst of it that the world could through at him and save him when he needed saving.
It's what an older brother has to do, and here I stood, a complete failure.
I couldn't even find a word of comfort to say to him.
I could feel my heart breaking in two; I felt each individual fibre stretch and tore as the two halves parted. A wave of helplessness washed over me, leaving me out at sea as to how I could possibly help my brother. In the end I stopped thinking with my head and let my instincts take over, and that was when I finally found myself managing to react.
I knelt next to bobby and scooped him into my arms, holding his sobbing form tight against me. I could feel his ribs protruding from his back as my hand rubbed up and down in a comforting motion that only seemed to work very rarely above the age of ten. I could feel my shirt soaking through with his tears while his hands clutched at the back of my shirt. His cries were muffled but to me they still ripped gaping holes in my soul.
There was no way but one to permanently end his torment, and I didn't want to give that way a single moment of consideration. It wasn't going to happen!
I whispered small words of comfort to him. None seemed to help him and in all honesty I never expected them to. Then I had an idea of how to ease his suffering for a short while, and it would also give me some relief to know that he wasn't going to do anything extreme such as self harm or suicide.
Why I thought this? Brotherly love at a guess.
I gave him some of the powerful sleeping pills that I had obtained for myself a short while back. I had been having trouble sleeping myself because of my conscience (about how it was my fault Bobby was suffering; not the world. The world was fucked before I got there!) but I know that I must sleep some time in order to live and the pills seemed the only way forward.
As I tried to get Bobby to take two tablets he fought me for a short time; thinking I was the enemy. He begged me not to make him take them. He was frightened of sleep and I didn't need to be told why.
He was suffering like me from nightmares, but I would find out later that his were a lot worse than mine; a lot worse.
The struggle didn't last long. Bobby was exhausted and his energy levels were at an all time low so after a few minutes struggling he just fell limp in my arms like a rag doll, sobbing and murmuring for me not to hurt him even though he deserved it.
I thought my heart was already broken; but with those words it smashed into a million pieces.
I didn't try to make him take them, not for a short while. He was in such a state he would just probably vomit them back up. Not much use in given any to him, it would just be a waste.
Half an hour past before Bobby calmed enough for me to try again to make him take them. I sensed that he was on the verge of hysteria again (where he got the energy from is beyond my realms of thinking) and I quickly calmed him by leaning his head against my shoulder and brushing my hands through his hair; muttering more to myself than to him it would be alright.
He calmed noticeably and I relaxed a little; but when I relaxed I could feel tears of my own fighting their way out and into the open. I couldn't cry in front of Bobby, he needed a concrete pillar to lean on, and I was that concrete pillar. I couldn't show weakness, not even a single crack in my emotions, let alone crying.
"P…please do…don't m…m…make me t…take th…them." Bobby's voice shuddered between sobs and gasps for breath. I shushed him and continued to brush my hand through his hair which after a short time allowed him to quieten down to the point of almost being rational.
"Bobby; how long has it been since you've had a decent night sleep?" I asked.
"I can't remember." Bobby whispered and I had to strain my ears to hear his answer. None the less the answer didn't surprise me.
"Bobby; these tablets will allow you to sleep." I told him. "Don't you want to forget everything that is happening in the world even just for a few hours?"
Bobby's head turned and his eyes met mine. "Even if it's my fault?" he whispered.
"Our fault," I corrected him, "I took part also. Part of the blame rests on me; a large part. I was the one who raised most of the money to do it with; without it we wouldn't have been able to do anything." Bobby just shook his head not wanting to believe it. "Please; take them Bobby; so that I can rest easy tonight."
It seemed enough to convince him to take them. He chewed them instead of having a glass of water to swallow them with. Chances are it didn't do much good to the lining of his stomach; but just that once I didn't find it in my heart to complain. Also; I had found from personal experience that the pills seemed to work faster the way he had taken them. Inwardly I sighed; relieved.
It didn't take long for the pills to begin to work their magic on him. His eyes became heavy lidded and his breathing for the most part evened out as sleep began to make its mark upon him; and Bobby didn't try to fight the futile fight against it.
I found that I had just enough strength to lift my semi conscious brother into my arms and carry him to my room and placed him in my bed, pulling the covers up to his chest. As I got up to leave Bobby lightly grabbed my wrist. His grip was lax with sleep but it didn't matter because I did not pull away from his grasp, but instead knelt down next to the bed and took his hand in mine.
Bobby had turned on his side to face me. His face was haggard and his eyes were half closed. Sleep wasn't far away for him and he started to shiver, Goosebumps appearing on his exposed arms. I rubbed a thumb over the back of his hand in an attempt to help him drift off into sleep but it was obvious he had something on his mind that he would voice before he would let sleep overpower him.
"What is it about human nature that makes us so violent?" Bobby whispered. "What drives a person to commit atrocities? An ordinary average person – why?"
I knew where this was going, and brimming with my own tears I didn't need to hear to know what he was thinking. It had been plaguing my mind also.
"Human nature bobby. We're just not meant to understand it; control it or change it. Maybe it's a built in thing; keep the population of the species down." I visibly sighed heavily. "I just don't know Bobby. I just don't know."
"Eeerrrmmm." Bobby sighed; sleep finally taking over; the pills finally working their magic. A blissful, dark, uneventful level of sleep is what he would enter into in a matter of minutes; and that was just what he needed; his mind and body needed the rest from the constant torture of his conscience. Also, it made me feel better to know that he was going to get some fitful rest finally.
"I'm here for you Bobby." I said quietly as his eyes finally flickered shut and remained that way. I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me, making me sigh heavily as I lent back on my heels. I remained there for a few minutes making sure that Bobby had fallen into a deep sleep before I pulled the quilt up to his neck and smoothed out the creases before finally kissing his forehead lightly and leaving his side. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I took in his sleeping form one last time before leaving.
I closed the door gentally behind me so I made as little noise as possible and dropped heavily onto my couch. I laid on my side with my back to the rest of the room with my head buried into a small pile of cushions and I let my sobs rack my body as I had wanted to let them do for most of the duration of the night. The only sound I made was the occasional gasp of breath or when I snuffled hard enough that it should have given me a nose bleed.
No; Bobby never knew that I cried that night, nor would he ever know. I never divulged that information to him. To him it would have been one more thing for him to blame himself for. He asked me that fateful night to help; so he believes the blame lays squarely on him.
If I hadn't of said yes to him and helped raise a large sum of cash in order to go through with the project, none of this would have happened. True – half the world would have probably blown itself to pieces while the other half may have become an uninhabitable wasteland where nothing would grow again and near enough if not totally made the human race extinct; but that hasn't happened and this has; and Bobby feels responsible. I feel responsible.
I cried myself into a restless sleep where my dreams were filled with the images of Bobby self harming…
And I wasn't able to save him; to stop him falling into the black abyss of death. No matter how I clawed at the air, no matter how much I screamed in my fictional nightmare, or tried to crawl across the broken ground of shrapnel, sharp broken rocks and desert terrain of which every living thing past, present and future was dead, just trying to reach him, hold and protect him…to sacrifice myself for him if needed …
…but I never reached him.
I'm sorry Bobby; I have failed you.
I had always failed you; and I love you so, so much.
Why is the world the way it is? I guess it's just human nature; and you were one of only a few who gave a damn. I'm sorry it turned out like it has; but time moves forward and stops for no man. Our tears mean nothing to anyone and never will. That's just the world we live in I'm afraid and some things about the human race never changes – no matter how much you want it to.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
A/N: You can review if you really want, but I'm not really that bothered in the slightest. I think I did an alright job. Thanks for reading anyway.