"The Real Slim Snapey"

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: The HP characters belong to JKR, the song "The Real Slim Shady" belongs to Eminem, and I'm not making any money from this. Pawn to Queen is a fanfic by an author named Riley. After you read this (AND write a review!) go read that - it's excellent .

Dumbledore's voice on loudspeaker:

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Slim Snapey please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Snapey please stand up?

We're gonna have a problem here.

Snape starts rapping:

Y'all act like you never seen a Death Eater before
Jaws all on the floor like Lord Voldemort just burst in the door
And started whooping Lily's ass
Worse than before he was first in force,
Throwin' her over furniture.

"It's the return of the - "
Aw, wait, no way, you're kidding
Potter didn't just say what I think he did,
Did he?

And Dumbledore said - nothing, you idiots!
Dumbledore's dead, he's locked in my basement!
(Ha ha!)

Female students love Potter -
"Ticka-ticka-ticka, The Boy Who Lived
I'm sick of him, look at him
Struttin' around wavin' his phoenix feather wand
Not sayin' 'You-Know-Who'
Yeah, but he's so cute, though!"

Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose,
But no worse than what's goin' on in the Dursleys' bedroom.
Sometimes I want to get in front of class and just let loose
But can't,
But it's cool for Lupin to run wild and kill a big moose.

"Crucio's on my lips, crucio's on my lips,
And if I'm lucky I might just give Azkaban a miss."
And that's the message that we deliver to all the kids
Then expect them not to know what Cruciatus is
Of course they're gonna know the Unforgivable Curses
By the time they hit fourth year
They got Moody teaching Dark Arts, don't they?

We ain't nothin' but mammals.
Well, some of us werewolves,
Who could cut a boy open like a cantaloupe.
But if we can teach crucio and Avada Kedavra
And there's no reason a werewolf can't chase a boy like an antelope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Witches, wave your magic wands,
Sing the chorus and it goes:

I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

'Cause I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

"Remus Lupin don't gotta scare the students to teach Dark Arts!"
Well, I do!
So fuck him, and fuck you too!
You think I give a damn about popularity?
Half of you students can't even stomach me,
Let alone stand me.

"But Snape, what if they liked you? Wouldn't it be weird?"
Why, so you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you could sit me here next to Ginny Weasley?
Well, shit, Hermione Granger better switch me chairs
So I could sit next to Ron Weasley and Viktor Krum
And hear 'em argue over who she first made come!
Little bitch put me on blast in Pawn to Queen -
"Yeah, he's cute, and he's not really a Death Eater, hee hee!"
I should download her audio on mp3
And show the whole world how she screamed she wanted me!

I'm sick of all you little girls and boys, all you do is annoy me
I'd like nothing better than to destroy you.
And there's a million of us just like me,
Who Curse like me, who just don't give a fuck like me
Who dress like me, walk, talk, and act like me
And just might be Voldie's next right hand man -
But not quite me!

I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

'Cause I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

I'm like a headtrip to listen to 'cause I'm only teachin' you things
You're gonna need to fight Voldemort when you meet him
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all
And I don't gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all.
I just get up in front of class and spit it,
And whether you'd like to admit it,
I can teach it
Better than ninety percent of you Aurors out there,
And then you wonder how come kids brew up these potions like masters.

It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm goin' when I'm forty
I'll be the only wizard down in Hogsmeade flirtin'
Pinchin' waitresses' asses in the Broomsticks when I'm drinkin'
And I'm chuggin' butterbeer and don't ask me what I'm thinkin'.

And every single person is a Death Eater lurkin'
He could be workin' at Hogwarts, sabotaging Dark Arts,
Or at the Ministry, actin' dumb,
Screamin' Voldie's not gonna come
With his eyes shut and his dander up.

So would the real Snapey please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up,
And be proud to be outta the Death Eaters
And outta control
And one more time, loud as you can
Loud as it goes:

I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

'Cause I'm Slim Snapey, yes I'm the real Snapey
All you other Slim Snapeys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Snapey please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

Ha ha… guess there's a Slim Snapey in all of us… fuck it, let's all stand up.

FINIS.