I don't own fruits basket, or 'cant seem to make you mine' by the clientele. I don't make any money from this.
I hope you like this one....i should update Sunday. Let me know what you think of it, and if you have any ideas for how this can continue.
the silence of the garden
Moss arising on the wind
And the beast is pondering love love love
'Till the rusty nail grow dim
I can't seem to make you mine
Through the long and lonely night
And I try so hard, darling
But the crowd pulled you away
Through the rhythm and the rain
And the ivy coiled around my hand
So I lingered with the people
In the silent August glade
But the rain has brought the night
And the night has brought the rain
He sat across the table from me, his large hands wrapped around the small cup as if trying to warm themselves from the tea inside. Sighing deeply he looked up at me his one good eye staring deeply into both of my own. When Akito took his sight away, he took a vital part of Hatori that would never be replaced.
"good tea, Shigure" his voice was flat, no emotion lived there anymore.
There were a million and one things I could have said in response to this, ranging from simply thanking him, to hollering at the top of my lungs that he finally admitted his love for me. I chose neither. He was only complimenting me on my teat to be polite, I did not want to thank him for his manners, and he would never admit his love for me. Not really. He no longer possessed the ability to love, his heart was cold, if he still had a heart. Akito had stolen that from him also, and in the most brutal of ways.
I looked down at the table, not wanting to look at him anymore, not wanting to long for him the way I did. I turned my own cup around in circles with my restless fingers. As much as I enjoyed his visits, they also upset me. I had feelings for the man sat across from me that I could never conceal, deny, or stop. The thing that wounded me most was that he knew all of this too well.
"how are Kyo and Yuki?" his voice cut through me like a knife, it sent shivers all through me, how I wished he didn't have this affect on me anymore, yet it was as potent, if not more, than it was when we were younger.
"they're fine, doing really well actually. My house is still in one piece, which is always a good sign!" I smiled broadly, yet it was an empty expression, a counterfeit.
He nodded looking around him and noticing that there were no signs of any recent repairs to the walls and doors.
"good" he took another sip of tea. "and Tohru?"
"she's good too! You know her! Such a beauty!" I gazed dreamily at the ceiling. I was very good at pretending to be my usual excited self, I almost convinced myself sometimes.
"hmm" he looked at me disapprovingly.
I wanted to laugh and tell him not to worry, that he knew all too well that I truly had eyes for only two people in life, yet my reminding him of this would cause an argument, or an atmosphere at best. So I just acted stupid, whilst another piece of me died inside.
He looked at his watch.
"I need to go" he stood so fluidly that I almost didn't notice.
I nodded, wanting to wrap my arms around him like I had done only once before and take him with me to my room, to remind him that he was worthy of love, worthy of all of the attention I could possible lavish upon him. yet I held back; wary of his temper, of his delicate temperament and the thin line he trod between coping and wishing to die. Hatori was at the bottom of his spiral.
I followed him to the door.
"ne! Haa-san! Bring Aya over soon! I haven't 'seen' him in a while" I winked at him as he grumbled something indecipherable.
"he still hasn't recovered from last time" he looked at me, and for a fleeting moment I saw life deep within him. look out for hope*, I told myself. Look out for hope.
He walked to his car, not looking back at me like I wished he would. It was dark outside, the winter was well and truly settled in. I worried about icy roads, about snow and about him deliberately not finding his way home tonight. I tried to shut such thoughts out of my mind. Yet he was always there, always lingering in my brain with Ayame, the two were everything to me, and I missed having them both so close to me terribly, it tore me apart. But my Hatori, my dragon, who had been my whole world, left with kana.
I walked to my study. The house was deserted empty of the life that the youngsters bought to the four walls, with just me in it, the place was shrinking, closing in around me and yet at the same time it felt so large and open that I felt agoraphobic. Sliding the door open, I found the unnatural glow of my laptop to be the only light in the room, it was enough.
I took a seat at my desk, reclining on a stack of books and looking up at some glow in the dark stars that Tohru had bought for me almost exactly a year ago. There would come a day when I would realize that he would never be mine, in all of the world there was only one person who he could love now, and she didn't even know.
I sighed deeply, we truly were cursed. I suspected deep down inside of me, that I only loved him because he would not love me back, because it would hurt me and that was the idea of a curse after all.
My eyes closed of their own accord, not because they didn't want to see, but more because they did. My thoughts flashed back to the one time we were truly together. We were younger, he was yet to meet kana, yet to suffer losing her. We were in a candle-lit room, incense burned heavily filling me with rich aromas mixed in with the smell of him, his skin close to mine, our bodies meeting in the middle as we were truly one with each other.
In my mind I recalled the colour of his flesh, tanned and rippling with muscles already more defined than my own. My fingers were all over him, touching him as much as I could, everywhere I could, creating a map of him in my head, so I would remember his body forever. He was breathing deeply, his arms holding me tightly, as close to him as I could be without merging with him. we were in love then, madly, we were discovering the ability to hug each other without transforming, the security and warmth that was easily found within the arms of someone else.
My legs were wrapped around his waist, I sat in his lap my head on his shoulder. I remembered only fragments, and yet I also remembered every breath, sigh, gasp, thrust.
"I love you" I whispered to the empty room, as the low-lit scene played behind closed eyes. Eyes which were beginning to leak tears.
I tried to stop myself, too many tears had been shed over this, I had spent too many hours in the dark thinking of him, spent too many hours staring at candle burning hoping that he would walk into the room. Candles never glowed in the same way after him. I ran my fingers though my hair, trying to clear it from my face before the first tear fell, it was too late my cheeks were all too soon stained with tears that retraced the paths of those I had cried the night before, and the night before that, and before that.
I made no noise as I wept. I had become accustomed to suffering silently and secretly, it was not as easy as it used to be, living in a house with three other lively people, yet Hatori's visits always stirred up such emotions within me, they always made me miss him even when he was sat in front of me, and they always reminded me of how little I really meant to him.
I opened my desk draw, pulling from it a photograph of the three of us, Aya, Hatori, and myself, we stood proudly with linked arms, ready to go out and fight the world, happy, and truly together. The image disappeared behind another cloud of tears, our faces were obscured by the water falling from my eyes, there would be no end to this. No end to my need for him, and my loss of him.
Hatori had died in one sense of the word. His personality had become something so different from what it used to be, the old Hatori needed me, and knew he did. He needed Ayame, and so he kept us both close, he needed me that night we were together, to told me so himself.
Ayame didn't seem to feel the same loss I had. Of course he was acutely aware of a change in Hatori's behaviour, the whole family were, yet he was totally unaware of how the dragon had distanced himself away from everything, not just us, but the things that used to make him happy. The enigmatic Hatori smile had gone missing, his confidence had disappeared and his laugh was eternally lost.
I heard the door click open, voices from along the hall, they were home. Although I had never told them, they all bought the light into my life. I would go and see them soon. Spend time with them, listening to their arguments, to their thoughts on life, and to their inside jokes that I knew nothing about.
I slid the picture back inside my desk, locking the drawer as I stemmed my tears. Slowly they stopped, I looked in a mirror at my reddened eye calming very slowly, until I only looked tired.
I have many faults, I'm devious, I'm a gossip, I like to tease people, but my biggest fault of all is that I cannot let go of things I love. I have books from when I was a child, I have gifts from Ayame that I won't admit to keeping. I just cannot let go of him. there will always be a piece of me that cannot live without him.
I sighed, walking out of the door and into living again.
These thoughts were for me, and for me alone to witness, to the three people in my kitchen I would always be pervert Shigure, and I liked it that way, I liked the facade, it made existence a little more bearable for me. It meant I could exist.
*LOOK OUT FOR HOPE: is a photograph by a photographer called Robert Frank. It's a really powerful piece, so you might want to check it out.