Author's Notes: With the first of April rapidly approaching, I felt the need to celebrate with a new fanfic. Trying to steer away from the more traditional Weasley-twins-inspired tale, I ended up with this bizarre story instead. Read at your own risk.
In case you can't decipher it for yourselves, this fic takes place in the trio's seventh year at Hogwarts. Voldemort's dead and Severus isn't (just as it should be.) It's pretty safe to say that this is AU after book five.
Warning: This story contains moments of pure OOCness, illicit drug use, wildly inappropriate behavior, slash and het relations between students and professors, an odd coupling of fluff and smut, and random naughty Transfiguration. If any of these things offend you, please find another story to read. If, however, you are intrigued by this type of debauchery, please continue.
Oh, and I'd like to apologize ahead of time for the nauseatingly overused Dramoine subplot. Just remember, this is supposed to be a humorous farce - a crack!fic, if you will.
A special thanks to my beta, SometimesSelkie, who suffered through this rubbish against her better wishes. I promise, Selkie, I'll pay for your therapy.
Chapter 1: You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on
Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy sat in the private common room that they shared as Hogwarts Head Boy and Girl. Neither of the seventh-years had been particularly happy with the idea of sharing a dormitory at the start of their final year, but as it was one of those pointless, age-old traditions that the school still abided by, Dumbledore had denied both their demands for alternative housing. He insisted that it was a necessary step towards the inter-House unity that he had always strived for and even the pure-blood's father hadn't been able to sway the headmaster. In the end, the unlikely pair of students just had to suck it up and make the most out of the unbearable situation. Through a great deal of trials and even more tribulations, they had managed to put aside their differences and become quite good friends. Chalk another one up to Albus Dumbledore's omniscience.
Hermione glanced over at the blond wizard, who was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment on the table in front of him. At the start of their cohabitation, she had been pleasantly surprised, after years of living with Harry and Ron, to find that the Slytherin's study habits rivaled her own.
He turned to look at her, still bent over his essay. "Yeah?"
"Do you know what this Saturday is?"
He thought for a moment then shook his head. "No."
"It's the first of April."
Draco smirked and returned to the assignment he was working on. "April Fools' Day. Don't tell me you go for that childish stuff, Granger."
Hermione scowled. "It's not necessarily childish. It can be fun, if it's done right."
"Sure, sure," he replied distractedly. He was nearly finished with his homework for the night and was eager to get it over with. There were far better things that he could be doing with his time.
"I've been thinking," she continued, despite the wizard's inattention, "that this school hasn't seen a really good prank since Fred and George left."
"So, think how shocked everyone would be if we pulled off something incredible."
Draco sat upright and stared at the witch in disbelief. "You want us to orchestrate an April Fools' prank? Have you been nipping that Firewhisky my parents sent me for Christmas again?"
Hermione laughed and shook her head. "It's our last year here. I want to be remembered for something other than breaking the N.E.W.T. record or being Harry Potter's brainy sidekick. I want to do something totally unexpected. I want to... I don't know, go out with a bang."
He snorted. "You astound me, Granger. Every time I think I've finally got you figured out, you do something that undermines every conclusion I've managed to draw."
"I just think that it'd be fun," she said with a pout before flashing him a solicitous smile. "Come on. You know you wanna help."
He rolled his eyes. "Don't you think Potter and Weasley would be better suited for such an undertaking?"
"No. I think this should be a Head student thing – it'll make for a bigger effect. Plus, I need your Slytherin traits to pull it off."
"Slytherin traits?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow.
Hermione grinned. "Yeah, you know... sneaky, cunning, manipulative."
"You forgot sexy," Draco pointed out with a smirk.
Her grin widened. "Well, that goes without saying."
Their relationship was an interesting one. They had started the school term as enemies, which begrudgingly gave way to respect, which had eventually evolved into friendship. Somewhere between steps two and three, the animosity that had been building between them for seven years came to a boiling point and had shockingly turned sexual. Apparently, there really was a thin line between love and hate. After their first emotionally charged encounter, which had taken them from nearly killing each other to shagging each other senseless, the pair had quickly agreed that they weren't suited for a romantic relationship. Neither of them could deny though that friends with benefits – a lot of benefits at times – worked well for them both. As inconceivable as it was, the former adversaries were incredibly compatible between the sheets.
Draco flashed his sexy bedroom eyes at her, a look he knew the witch couldn't resist, and their discussion and Transfiguration essays were soon forgotten in lieu of a passionate romp in the Seeker's four-poster bed.
Sitting back against the headboard and basking in the afterglow of amazing orgasms, the witch and wizard passed a lit joint between them. Draco had been dumbfounded when Hermione had brought a pocketful of magically-enhanced marijuana back to their rooms one night. She had gotten it from Neville, who had been growing it as a Herbology experiment and didn't know what to do with the excess. Since herbal drug use was against school rules, she insisted that it was only for scientific research but he didn't buy it. The first night they smoked together was the first time Draco could remember being truly shocked by the Gryffindor but it certainly wasn't the last. Living with the Muggle-born had turned out to be anything but boring.
Feeling utterly content, Hermione brought up the subject of April Fools' Day again. "So, what kind of prank do you think we should pull?"
"Hmm... something that shows our superior skills."
She laughed. "Well, that's obvious, but what? How can we show up the whole school?"
Draco took a long drag and passed the cigarette to his bedmate. After releasing the lungful of smoke, he questioned her thinking. "Do you really want to bother with the entire school?"
"You don't think we should?" She inhaled and tried to think through the haze. "What do you want to do: go after a certain House or only the seventh-years?"
The pure-blood smirked maliciously, taking the near-spent roach from her. "Or maybe just one person."
Hermione watched him take the last puff and put the remnants out in the ashtray beside the bed. "Draco Malfoy, you are plotting something!" she accused. "Tell me!"
He chuckled. "Well, why should we waste our time on pulling some childish prank on the unappreciative idiots of this school when we can do something that will not only satiate this hankering of yours, but also reap some benefits for us as well?"
She grinned. One of the Slytherin's best attributes was his ability to constantly alter any given situation to serve his own needs. She used to misconstrue that talent as selfishness, but after months of being privy to its benefits, she had learned to appreciate its worth. "What do you have in mind?"
"Do you remember what I told you a while back about Snape?" he asked, keeping his tone light and casual.
Hermione nodded. How could she forget that revelation? One night, after an intense round of shagging, the pair had gotten into a discussion of fantasies. Interestingly enough, they had both admitted to having regularly reoccurring daydreams of seducing their mysterious Potions professor. She was drawn to the older wizard's intelligence and subtle sensuality, where as Draco had a thing for the ex-Death Eater's dark and dangerous demeanor. Either way, since that fateful conversation, the Muggle-born witch had been plagued by erotic dreams of a threesome with the two sexy Slytherins. Although those sort of images made for really good masturbation material, they certainly didn't make sitting through Potions class any easier.
Draco smirked at her glazed over expression. "I'll take that as a yes. So, how about we make him our target?"
"And how exactly would that be beneficial?" she asked, shaking her head. "As much as I fancy him, I don't really feel up to spending the next two months in detention."
"I wasn't talking about making all his cauldrons simultaneously explode or hiding all his socks, Granger," he teased. "I was leaning more towards doing something that will land him in our bed. I'm talking about a prank that will get him so hot and bothered that he'll be desperate to punish us."
A whole new crop of raunchy images popped in her head at these words. Punishment sounded like fun. She grinned. "Alright, let's do it!"
Draco smiled proudly. "That's my girl. Always up for a bit of debauchery."
They both laughed, the drug-induced euphoria increasing the hilarity of the situation, and after a few minutes, they ended up breathless and thirsty. Hermione sat back against the headboard again and enjoyed the view as Draco pushed himself out of the bed and padded out of the room, in all his naked glory. He returned quickly with two ice cold Butterbeers. He popped the caps off the bottles and handed one to the Gryffindor while taking a long gulp from his own.
"Thanks," she said with a smile before taking a sip. "So what kind of diabolical scheme have you got cooking in that pretty blond head of yours?"
He shrugged and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I haven't gotten that far. I got sidetracked by the idea of being punished by the snarky bastard."
"Mmm, me, too." She took another sip of her Butterbeer and sat the frosty bottle on the nightstand. "Okay, well, we'll want to drive him nuts, but not physically harm him in any way and we don't want to piss him off either."
"So I think our best bet would be to tease him to the point that he can't stand it a minute longer."
"Yeah, and then we pop up and say April Fools'!" Draco added with a lustful smile.
"Exactly!" she replied, loving how his devious little mind worked. She could never discuss such a thing with her other friends. "So what can we do that will frustrate him beyond belief and leave him begging for release?" She chewed her bottom lip for a moment as she contemplated the possibilities. "Do you think you can get us into his office and private quarters?"
Draco nodded without hesitation. "Yeah." Hermione raised her eyebrow quizzically and he shrugged again. "He's been an acquaintance of my father's since before I was born and my Head of House for seven years. I've picked things up."
"And you've never used those things to your advantage?" she asked with a skeptical smirk.
"Not yet." He waggled his sculpted blond eyebrows, making the witch laugh again.
"Okay, so if we can get into his rooms then we should really be able to mess with his mind."
Draco rubbed his hands together villainously. "So what do we do?"
The curly-haired Head Girl picked up her Butterbeer again. "Well, here's what I'm thinking..."
The pair spent the rest of the night coming up with a foolproof plan to drive their dear professor to the peak of distraction. Their plotting and subsequent fantasies as to how he would react aroused them so much that they ended their brainstorming session in the same throes of ecstasy in which it had began. Hermione spent the night in the Slytherin's bed, as she had done countless time over the past few months.
The call of the alarm clock came entirely too quickly the next morning. Knowing that they had to get up for class, Hermione and Draco reluctantly rolled out of bed. After showering and dressing for the day, the pair shared a cup of coffee before leaving the sanctuary of their private quarters. The stout Himalayan blend was laced with a mild Invigoration Draught that Hermione had brewed herself. The combination had become habit for the witch and wizard after their frequent late nights of either studying or engaging in more pleasurable activities. Once the coffee took effect, they each grabbed their bags and went to join the rest of the students in the Great Hall for breakfast.
Due to the previous night's conversation, Hermione was excited to get to Potions class that afternoon. Truthfully, though, she had always been excited to enter the dungeons. The scientific art of Potions had captivated her since she was eleven years old, but the Muggle-born had learned early on not to show too much enthusiasm in Snape's class unless she wanted to be ridiculed for it.
Today, however, she couldn't seem to keep the grin off her face as she took her usual seat next to the Head Boy at their workstation. She was the only Gryffindor to qualify for seventh-year Potions and shared the class with Draco and Blaise from Slytherin and three Ravenclaws. As a result of the overall competency of the class, Professor Snape was usually a bit nicer to them than he had been in previous years – well, maybe "nicer" was the wrong word, perhaps "more respectful" better qualified. There had yet to be a single cauldron melted during the N.E.W.T. period and, in turn, the Potions master hadn't berated any of them unmercifully thus far.
Draco glanced at the grinning witch curiously. "What are you so happy about, Granger?"
She shrugged but her smile didn't waver. "I don't know," she whispered. "I just feel a little giddy being down here after last night."
The pure-blood smirked. "Just think how you'll feel after this weekend, if everything goes as planned."
Before she could respond, the object of their discussion and desires stalked into the room, slamming the door behind him. The small class immediately fell silent as they awaited the day's assignment. They all knew better than to push their luck with the disgruntled wizard, at least while they were so closely sequestered with him.
Hermione and Draco spent the next hour and a half brewing their assigned potion to perfection while covertly watching the professor's every move, trying to gain any insight that might aid in their plan. Unfortunately for them, the former spy didn't give away much.
Giving up on finding some yet undiscovered window into the brooding Slytherin's soul, the resourceful Head students turned their focus to what they could control. They spent the afternoon immersed in a teetering stack of Charms books in the library. It was amazing, the amount of highly inappropriate spells they were able to find within the school's collection. With a bit of tweaking, Hermione was confident that she'd be able to alter several of them to suit their needs this weekend.
After composing a list of promising charms, the pair headed down to the kitchens. As Harry Potter's best friend, Hermione knew the perfect ally for at least part of their nefarious plan. Needless to say, the Malfoy heir stayed out in the hallway while the Head Girl conversed with her favorite house-elf and she was all smiles when she exited out of the ticklish pear painting. Dobby was enthusiastically on board.
Once dinner had concluded that evening, Hermione and Draco reconvened on the comfy sofa in their common room. They worked together on their Astronomy and Potions essays before putting their books away and reclining back into the cushions.
The witch sighed contentedly and looked over at her blond-haired friend. "So, are we ready for tomorrow night?"
"I think so," he replied confidently. "I know I can get us in. After that, it will all rest on your Charms skills, which I have complete faith in."
Hermione smiled and leaned over, placing a kiss on his soft lips before saying, "I adore you sometimes."
"And the rest of the time you're just using me for sex?" he asked with a smirk.
She chuckled. "Yes, but really good sex."
Without responding to that completely true statement, Draco pulled the cheeky girl onto his lap and kissed her again. He then proceeded to show her just how good, right there on the sofa in front of their evening fire.
The next day – the last day of classes for the week – Hermione could barely control her excitement. She grinned distractedly all the way through breakfast and her morning lessons. When she was still smiling during Professor Binns' nauseatingly boring lecture on the wizards of Ancient Babylon, Harry and Ron became suspicious.
"What's up with you today, Hermione?" the bespectacled wizard asked.
She shushed him like she always did whenever one of them talked in class, but seven years of being friends with the two boys had taught her that they wouldn't stop pestering her until she answered them. "Nothing," she whispered from behind her History of Magic textbook. "It's almost the weekend, and spring is coming, and tomorrow is April Fools' Day. I'm just in a good mood. I swear," she added in response to their bewildered expressions. As she turned her attention back to the semi-transparent professor, she could've sworn that she heard Draco snicker from a few rows behind them. She'd get him back for that later.
That night after dinner, Hermione spent some time with her friends in the Gryffindor common room. They were always complaining about not seeing her enough and visiting with them provided not only a much needed distraction, but also an alibi for her whereabouts.
She sat with Ginny and caught up on the latest gossip over a couple of Butterbeers while watching the boys play chess. It was a rather nice way to spend the evening, nostalgic even. Things at the school had changed so much that year that doing the same things the four of them had been doing for years felt oddly refreshing.
"So, Hermione, what do you have planned for tomorrow?" Harry asked, keeping his attention focused on Ron's knight that was steadily inching its way towards one of his unprotected pieces.
Hermione's eyes darted to the scar-headed wizard in surprise. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice coming out an octave higher than she had intended. Both the boys turned and looked at her curiously.
"It's Saturday," Harry replied. "I was just wondering if you had any plans. The weather is supposed to be nice. We're thinking about putting together a pickup game of Quidditch. After our prank, of course."
Her stomach slowly unclenched. Of course they wouldn't suspect her of anything like what she and Draco were planning. Her best friends knew hardly anything about her relationship with the Slytherin pure-blood or the more liberal activities they engaged in. They had begrudgingly accepted that she and Draco had become friends, but anything more than that was beyond their comprehension. Sadly, they barely knew the real witch that she had become.
"So what have you cooked up for this year?" she asked with an easy smile.
Harry grinned, his green eyes glinting maliciously. "Fred and George sent us a few things. Nothing seriously dangerous or anything. Just don't drink any of pumpkin juice at lunch tomorrow."
The Head Girl chuckled and shook her curls. She knew better than to try and talk them out of whatever it was that they were planning. "Thanks for the warning."
After a few hours in Gryffindor tower, Hermione said her good-byes and headed back to her own room. Just as she was passing the library, Professor Snape walked through the large double doors and into the hallway directly in front of her. As she moved out of the way, he glanced up from the pile of books he was carrying and nodded in her direction. "Good evening, Miss Granger."
She smiled. "Good evening, Professor."
When he started off towards the dungeons without further preamble, the witch's conscience prickled uncomfortably. "Sir?" she called hesitantly. He stopped mid-stride and turned towards her with a raised eyebrow. "Just a word to the wise, Professor. Stay away from the pumpkin juice at lunch tomorrow."
He stared at her for a long moment before understanding the meaning of her warning. "Ah, April Fools' Day. I nearly forgot," he replied, but the comprehension on his sharp features quickly turned to suspicion. "Why are you warning me, Miss Granger? I'm usually at the top of the target list."
Hermione blushed against her will. "I don't know what kind of childish prank they're planning. I was given the same warning and I'm just passing it on."
Snape tipped his head in a rare sign of gratitude. "Well, in that case, thank you. I'll be sure to heed it."
The Muggle-born smiled again before continuing towards her earlier destination, wishing the older wizard good night as she walked away.
Draco was already waiting for her when she passed through the entrance of their small common room, which was guarded by a portrait of a rather stern-looking witch. Madam Cartwright had the curious habit of quizzing callers as to the nature of their visit before alerting the Head students of their presence. The good thing about the portrait's screening process was that witch didn't discriminate. Their friends and even the school's staff received the same treatment as nosey first-years did, and the advanced notice had prevented several embarrassing scenes over the past few months.
Hermione sank into the overstuffed cushions beside the blond before relaying the cryptic warning of the Gryffindors' prank and then recounting her interaction with Professor Snape.
"He was actually nice – well, nice for him, anyway. I almost feel guilty for what we're planning," she admitted.
Draco nodded sympathetically. "Just remember, what we're doing is not going to hurt him. It's not like we're poisoning him or anything."
"I know, but we are going to drive him nuts and potentially embarrass the hell out of him."
The Slytherin chuckled. "But if he takes it the way we hope he will, then we'll all enjoy the results."
Hermione buried her face in her hands. "And if he doesn't take it well, then I'm gonna have to transfer to Beauxbatons. It's a good thing that I already know French."
Draco laughed again. "Don't chicken out on me now, Granger. I wouldn't be attempting this if I didn't think it would work. And if it does blow up in our faces, then we can just pass it off as a crude April Fools' joke. After a few embarrassing detentions, life will go back to normal." He put his arm around the doubtful witch. "Worse case scenario, he'll kick us out of Potions class, but with only two months until graduation, I don't think either of us would have a problem passing our N.E.W.T. without him."
She grimaced at the idea but nodded. "You're right. The potential good outweighs the possible bad... I'm just nervous."
Draco flashed her a sexy smile. "Then come here and let me relax you." He pulled her down on top of him and soon skillfully erased every worry she had ever had.
At two a.m., Hermione's watch alarm went off, signaling to her and Draco that it was time to begin their trip down to the dungeons. Placing everything they would need in the pockets of her robes, she turned to her partner in crime with an excited grin.
"Ready?" he asked.
Hermione nodded and Draco tapped her on the head with his wand before doing the same to himself. A moment later, all that remained was two vague shimmers.
"I'll never get used to that sensation," she said to the spot where the pure-blood had just been standing.
"A necessary evil," he replied from across the room. "Come hold my hand so we don't lose each other."
Together, the Disillusioned pair quickly traversed the shifting staircases and deserted hallways to the bowels of the castle. Draco then led the way to his Head of House's office door. The blond waved his invisible wand at the wooden barrier a few times, muttering an incantation under his breath, and a moment later, the lock audibly clicked and the door swung open with a faint squeak. Hermione didn't have to see his face to know that the wizard was sporting an arrogant smirk.
They made their way into the cold, dark office as silently as possible and each immediately set about the tasks that they had previously agreed on. It took nearly an hour to place the various charms around the room. When they were finally finished, they left the office and Draco re-warded the door.
Now it was time for the more dangerous half of their plan – entering the professor's personal quarters. Draco again led the way through the dank labyrinthine passages, deeper and deeper into the belly of the ancient school. They eventually came to a stop in front of a solid stone wall. Hermione momentarily thought they had taken a wrong turn before she felt the wizard beside her begin to wave his wand arm in an intricate pattern over the stone.
Suddenly, a fiery outline of a large serpent appeared on the previously blank wall before the magical flames stretched outward to form a solid black door. After a few more spells, the heavy door unlocked and soundlessly swung inward. Hermione was impressed, both by the Potions master's security measures and by the Head Boy's ability to infiltrate them. She grinned beneath the Disillusionment Charm at her newfound respect for Slytherin sneakiness.
Again in silence, the nervous couple entered the private sitting room of Severus Snape. Hermione knew from Draco's description that the wizard's bedchamber was directly adjacent to the room they were in now. The thought that he was so close both excited and terrified her.
Despite the insanely dangerous task, she and Draco finished their final preparations as quickly and silently as possible and somehow made it out of the dungeons undetected. Neither of them consciously drew a breath until they were safely back in their own quarters again.
After they warded their door, the pair both sank down into the sofa, completely exhausted. They shared a glass of Draco's Christmas Firewhisky to calm their over-excited nerves before retiring to their own bedrooms for a few hours of much needed sleep.
This story has four chapters in total and will be updated once a day until they're all up. So, please stayed tuned and REVIEW!
Chapter title courtesy of George W. Bush.