Hi, everyone! Welcome to a new and exciting season of Don't Leave Me, Annabeth! a PJO soap opera story! This season, we have a new name: The Lightning Mistake! a PJO soap opera movie! It's based on what the new movie's going to be like! Awful but totally hilarious in its stupidity! But let's hope that the movie desn't end up like this...
Before we start, we HAVE to have the opening credits, right?
(Harry Potter music starts playing in the background)
Random voice- WILSON! Wrong track!
Other random voice- Sorry, Lord Columbus!
(Track switches to "Low" by Flo Rida)
Random voice, who we now recognize to be Chris Columbus (the director)- This is a children's movie, Wilson, you idiot! Find the right music already!
Other random voice, who is also known as "Wilson"- Sorry, your majesty!
(Track switches to Harry Potter music with a little twist)
Chris Columbus- Much better, Wilson. But you're still fired.
New random voice- You know we're filming this, right? The audience can probably hear you.
(Movie camera stops showing blackness and sets on an ugly short man in a director's chair with a crown on)
Little ugly man, AKA Chris Columbus- YOU IMBECILES! FILM THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING ALREADY! We are so cutting this out.
Confused audience- What the Tartarus is up with this movie? We're only a few minutes in and I already want to leave...
(Camera settles on the Empire State Building)
Voice, who audience members who actually read the book deduce is Zeus- WHERE IS MY LIGHTNING BOLT?
Pathetic little servant voice- I don't know!
Voice of Zeus- Find it!! Or else!
Pathetic little servant voice- But I'm Ares, God of war!
Audience- (Shocked) What the frick is up with this catastrophe?
Ares- I shouldn't have to find lightning! I should be causing war!
Zeus- FIND IT!!!!
(Camera cuts into 15-year-old boy who is kicking a tin can on a street. A limping African American is with him)
15-year-old "Percy"- Grover, this stinks! I just got kicked out of school! Again!
African American satyr-boy Grover- Yeah, groovy man.
Percy- I feel like... like... crying! Waaaaaaaaaaa!
Grover- Hold up your un-groovy whining, your creepy teacher, MRS. ANAFLAMALLAMA is across the street!
Percy- Oh no! Mrs. Anaflamallama, who is totally supposed to be Mrs. Dodds!
Audience- They changed her name? To Anaflamallama? (pronounced An-a-flam-a-llama)
Grover- That wasn't in the script that Rick Riordan wrote!
Percy- Or anyone, for that matter. Oh no! I really need my Latin teacher, MR. COO-KA-SHLOOMA!
(Man in wheelchair enters)
Percy- Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma! Mrs. Anaflamallama is across the street and she's giving me the evil eye!
Mrs. Anaflamallama- (cackling like a witch) Too bad you don't have your magical penCIL, Tiderip!
Audience- Isn't it Riptide? And is Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma Mr. Brunner?
Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma- Catch, Theseus! (throws a pencil at Percy.)
(Pencil hits Percy in the head)
Percy- OW! WAAAAAAA! Wait, how did you know my real name is Theseus?
Grover- I thought it was Perseus.
Percy- Ha! How does Percy sound like Perseus? Percy sounds waaaaaaaaay more like Theseus.
Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma- Break the pencil, Theseus! It will turn into a sword! Kill Mrs. Anaflamallama with it!
Percy- You got it, Chiron! I mean, Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma!
(Percy follows orders)
(Mrs. Anaflamallama explodes into purple mist)
Grover- You know what, groovy Perce?
Percy- What, buddy?
Grover- I am a satyr.
Percy- COOL! Can I be one too?
Grover- Sorry, man. No.
Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma- I have something to tell you also, Theseus. I am going to do what they do in a lot of movies: eliminate good, important dialog and throw it away so you can learn what I have to tell you as quickly as possible! You, Theseus Jackson, are a-
Percy- Son of an Olympian!
Mr. Coo-ka-shlooma- Yes. And I am-
Percy- Now, I assume we need to get to (looks directly at camera and whispers in a secret-spy way) Camp Demigod?
Audience- It's CAMP HALF-BLOOD, YOU IGNORANT FOOLS! READ THE BOOKS ALREADY!
Goat boy- How did you know that, man?
Percy- (shrugs) I read the script.
(Chiron and Grover gasp hugely and take a step back)
Chiron- That is against acting code! You're not supposed to read the script!
Percy- What am I supposed to do? Make up random crap as I go?
Grover- Duh. That's, like, what we've been doing all along. Man.
Percy- Oh. I didn't realize-
Chiron- Uh uh uh! No! Leave my presence, Owl Boy!
Percy- Just because I was in Hoot?
Percy- (walking away, crying) Life sucks! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Ugly 23-year-old brunette excuse for Annabeth jumps from a tree, blocking his path)
Percy- That's it! I'm out of this!
voice of Chris Columbus- No you are not, Logan Lerman! You signed a contract!
Percy- But she's like twice my age! And do you really expect Percabeth fans to be happy? I have to (Shudder) kiss her in Battle of the Labyrinth! CREEPINESS!
voice of Chris Columbus- YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT! And how did you know that?
Percy- (crying) Why (sob) does everyone keep asking me that? I (sob) read the books to (sob) get an background for my (sob) character!
"Annabeth"- Here, Loga- I mean Percy. Cry on my shoulder.
(Percy walks up to "Annabeth", who is noticably taller than him, and starts crying)
"Annabeth- (directly at camera) Is this enough Percabeth, Your Majesty?
voice of Chris Columbus- Yeah. Good, Alexandra, good! That's enough for the entire series!
Percabeth fans in audience- WHAT?
voice of CC- In fact, I was thinking of having him end up with Rachel Elizabeth Dare instead...
Percabeth fans in audience- YOU TRAITOR!
Percahel fans in audience- Yay! Our day has finally come!
voice of CC- Now, where's that mysterious Italian narrator from the series?
Mysterious voice with bad Italian accent- I'm-a still-a here-a!
voice of CC- Good. Because we need a commercial break so I can get my beauty sleep.
Mysterious voice with bad Italian accent- Wait-a! This-a is-a a-a movie-a! There-a are-a no-a commercial-a breaks-a!
voice of CC- There are if I say there are! Now narrate!
Mysterious voice with bad Italian accent- Whatever-a. See-a you-a after-a the-a break-a!
Audience- WHAT? This is a MOVIE!
(Percy's head appears on a hypnosis swirling circle, smiling happily)
Are any of you out there as disappointed with the picks for the cast (cough Alexandra Daddario cough) as I am? You are? Good, then you'll enjoy this! And yes, I am trying to get everything wrong, thank you very much. It's supposed to be stupid!
Can I please request reviews?