The Princess and the Pear
Disclaimer: Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ears and listen. I don't own anything that appears in this, and the next dummy who asks if I do loses an ear.
A/N: Well it has been a long time coming but here they are. The long awaited outtakes for Bones. I hope you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them. Warning spoilers for 'The Princess and the Pear'.
Scene of Fixing Booth's back the first time
Bones is standing in Booth's apartment with a determined look on her face as she views her injured partner. She is trying hard to remain unmoved by Booth's plight but is slowly being broken down by his pleas.
"Bones last time you were all eager and ready to help."
"I shouldn't have done it then, and I shouldn't do it now. Either see a specialist or hire a masseuse."
Booth is now staring at Bones with his best puppy dog expression. "But masseuses are expensive, and I have to pay extra for the happy ending, whereas you do it for free."
Bones has turned bright red at what Booth has just said and is starting to scramble to come up with a decent excuse. "I…I have no idea what your talking about."
Booth has his trademark cocky grin on his face as he leans in close to the Forensic Anthropologist and waggles his eyebrows at her. "It was just last week remember. You were wearing that see through nighty I got you and…"
A look of realization dawns upon Bones' face as she aims her best paternal serious look at him. "You've already been hitting the Vicodin haven't you Booth?" Despite it being a question she is already certain of the answer.
Booth has a guilty look on his face as he pulls a bottle of Vicodin out of his pocket. "I've only been taking a little. Just to take the edge off. But still if you could fix my back and…"Whatever else the special agent had to say was lost as Bones, seeing no other alternative, grabs his face with both hands and pulls him into a searing kiss to shut him up.
Scene from above take 2
Bones has grown tired of Booth's pleading and throws her hands up in the air in a gesture of surrender. "Fine Booth I'll try and fix your back. Turn around."
A smile graces Booth's face as he turns around as quickly as he is able to, for the good doctor. "Thanks Bones I don't know what I would do without you."
Placing her hands on either side of the agents body Bones presses herself against Booth's back. "Just remember that you owe me one Booth."
Bones starts to slowly rotate Booth's upper body as her own moves along in sync. With a quick jerk she changes directions mid motion and two distinctive loud cracks echo throughout the apartment.
A look of relief is on Booth's face as he stretches his arms over his head whilst arching his back and groaning in satisfaction and comfort. "Bones you are a miracle worker. My back feels great."
Bones currently has a look of pain on her face and she is clutching her back in pain. "No problem Booth. If it's not too much trouble can I have some Aspirin?"
Booth has a look of concern on his face as he goes over to Bones. "Bones are you OK what happened?"
"I threw my back out. I need you to take me to a Doctor."
"Oh, Bones I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?"
Bones has her teeth gritted in pain and gives Booth a furious look. "Booth....doctor now."
"CUT!" The Director yelled loudly. Standing up from his chair he walks over to the phone mounted on the wall and places a call. "Medical Team you're needed on set…yes Dr. Brennan's back is injured." He hangs up the phone and heads back to his seat.
Scene of Hodgin's finding Excalibur
Hodgins is digging in the ground for several seconds and then gives a cry of joy as he unearths the sword and lifts it up in the air. "I am the once and future king!"
Lightning flashes dramatically in the background.
Angela looks up in annoyance at the sky as she rubs her arms trying to stay warm. "Damn freak storms."
Hodgins has a childlike grin on his face as he turns to Angela. "Do you think this would count as pulling it out of a stone?"
Angela thinks on the question for about a second before rolling her eyes at Hodgins. "Hold your horses there Hodgins. Just because you have a sword named Excalibur does not make you king of the Britons."
Hodgins gives Angela a pointed look of disgust. "Oh come on Angela. Considering some of the people who have ruled the country along with what they and their descendants have done I would make a great king. It's not like I'm going to cause religious upheaval or start a war with Parliament."
Angela rolls her eyes as she turns and starts walking back to the car. "Whatever Arthur, but if you don't get your rear in gear your noble steed's going to leave you here to walk back to the Jeffersonian."
Seshin is looking at the above in surprise before turning and looking at InuGhost2.0 "Guess that answers how your Modern History of Britain class is going.
InuGhost2.0 shoots a nasty glare in Seshin's direction. "Don't even get me started."
Scene from above take 2
Hodgins is digging in the ground for several seconds and then gives a cry of joy as he unearths the sword and lifts it up in the air. "By the power of Grayskull!" lightning streaks through the sky and strikes Excalibur transforming Hodgins into He-Man. "I have the power!"
Angela is watching the scene before her unfold with wide eyes and is drooling profusely. As if on instinct she rips off her outer garments leaving her in her underwear. "My hero! Take me now!" Angela launches herself into the air.
With great presence of mind Hodgins nimbly catches her in his arms bridal style. "Let's go then." Hodgins races off into the woods still carrying Angela.
In outrage the Director leaps up from his seat brandishing his megaphone as he yells into it. "CUT! People stick to the script. That's why it was written."
Bones is standing by the Director and looks at him in shock. "There was a script?"
Scene of Hodgins' playing with Excalibur
Hodgins is gleefully swinging Excalibur around while providing sound effects. His colleagues meanwhile are trying to cope with the noise in their own ways. Angela is banging her head onto the table top; Bones has applied numerous earplugs in hopes of drowning out the noise. Finally out of frustration Angela screams at Hodgins "Hodgins you've been playing with that sword for the last twenty minutes. Please can we just have some peace and quiet fort five minutes maybe?"
Hodgins is either ignoring Angela or cannot hear her as he continues to parry and thrust with Excalibur whilst providing sound effects.
"That is it!" Bones turns away from her computer with a maniacal expression on her face. Before anyone can react she pulls her gun free from her pocket, levels it at Hodgins, and lets fire with a loud BANG!
There is stunned silence in the room as everyone's eyes dart from Bones to Hodgins and back again. Finally after what feels like an eternity but is truthfully on a few seconds Hodgins drops Excalibur to clutch at a growing red stain forming over his heart. Looking down at the blood seeping from his shirt then back at the Forensic Anthropologist Hodgins opens his mouth. "You may have struck me down, but I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. "This Hodgins' declared with his dying breath as he collapses to the ground, twitches a few times, and then is still.
A look of relief is evident on Bones' face as she lets the gun drop from her hands to clatter on the floor. "Finally some peace and quiet."
Unnoticed by her a faint shimmering light forms behind her and condenses into the form of Hodgins. "I wouldn't be so certain of that Dr. Brennan."
Bones turns around in shock and stares open mouthed at the recently deceased bug and slime guy. "Oh hell no."
"Cut!" is heard booming from offset as the Director leans wearily back in his chair. "Someone get Dr. Orpheus again. And Bones you can't kill Hodgins regardless of the circumstances."
Scene of Sweet's Quote
Sweets swipes his pass through the card reader before heading up the steps leading to the platform. "Is that the sword? Can I?" He turns to look at Dr. Brennan who is standing nearby.
As she wordlessly hands him the sword Sweet's face lights up like a child's in a candy store before he composes himself. "An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age."
A look of exhaustion and weariness becomes evident on Bones' face. "People can we please stop with the Star Wars, and Arthur references?"
Hodgins and Sweets exchange a look with each other and shrug. Seeming to come to a wordless agreement Sweets once again holds up the Excalibur with a composed look on his face. "'A sword is a weapon. No matter what pretty names you give it, swordsmanship is the way to kill.'"
Bones looks at Sweets with a questioning expression on her face. "What are you talking about Sweets?"
Hodgins is tossed Excalibur by Sweets and nimbly catches it before composing his expression into one of evil. "'If your strong you live, if your weak you die.'"
Bones' eye twitches violently before she reaches into a desk drawer and yanks out a wiffle bat and nails both Sweets and Hodgins' in the head with it. "'Swift death to evil!' and if you two don't cut it out and start acting like professionals then I will follow through with it!"
"Cut. Ok Bones put down the wiffle bat, and the next person who quotes that anime is going to be spending the night locked up in the security office."
Seshin and InuGhost2.0 are once again talking offstage. "You just can't resist quoting Rurouni Kenshin at times can you?"
InuGhost2.0 looks at her grinning. "I'm an anime fan, besides what are the chances they'll do another episode involving a sword?"
Scene of Booth telling Perotta to protect Bones
Booth is currently reclining back on his couch loosely holding the phone in his hand. "She's your responsibility and nothing better happen to her ok. If anything happens to her silky black hair…and that soft smooth skin."
Perotta's cheeks are slightly tinged red as she interrupts Booth loudly. "I will, so stop worrying already."
Booth is currently lost in thought as he continues to talk aloud. "That small cute nose of hers…her pert and firm round ass…"
Bones is now tomato red and attempts to get Booth to shut up. "We understand Booth you can stop now."
Booth is still not paying attention and is completely lost in his fantasy. "Or those perky breasts of hers that fit so well…"
"Booth save that for later. I'm coming right over." Grabbing the keys to her car Bones rushes out of the room.
Offstage Angela and Cam are huddled close together lost in their discussion.
"So Cam do you think Temperance is heading over there for some fun?" Angela's eyes gleamed with mischief and are perfectly matched by the smile on her face.
"Well that or she's going over to hide the rest of Booth's Vicodin before Booth blabs all of their intimate secrets."
Onstage Booth is still talking loudly over the speakerphone which no one has yet to turn off. "…and that thing she does with her tongue when she's in control is exquisite."
Taking the initiative the Director walks onstage over to the speaker phone and presses a button turning it off. Turning back to the assembled actors he has a look of frustration on his face as he addresses them. "Ok people for the last time. Keep your private relationships either at home or the break room. We already have enough censurers after us already.
Scene of Sweets at the Auction
Bones, Hodgins and Perotta are watching the video surveillance of the auction at which Sweets is attending. Sweets is calmly sitting in the crowd dressed up in costume.
"Where did Sweets get that costume from so fast?" Perotta had to ask out of pure curiosity.
Looking away from the screen Hodgins turned to face her. "I'm guessing he got it from his closet."
"Actually Sweets got it from Booth's closet." Bones admitted in a rather embarrassed voice.
A few seconds of silence followed this admittance during which Hodgins and Perotta turned to look at the Forensic Anthropologist. Before turning back to the screen where Sweets is seen calmly sitting in the audience wearing a Green Lantern costume. Finally Hodgins asked the question on everyone's mind. "Why does Booth have a Green Lantern costume?"
"He's a fan of the comics, and had planed on going to the IMAGICON convention before…."
"You took his back out." Perotta helpfully finished for Bones.
Bones is looking very guilty and embarrassed. "He made me swear to buy him three of the five Green Lantern comics he planned to buy during the convention, and I have to dress up as Elektra this year for Halloween for the entire day along with Booth getting a photo of me in said costume."
Just about everyone on set pulls out their PDA's, cell phones, day planners, etc. in order to mark down the date so they don't forget to bring cameras themselves. During this commotion the Director makes a quick notation himself so he can remember. After putting away his cell phone he turns to the crowd. "Ok we'll keep that and just edit it a bit."
Scene of the Auction
The Auctioneer is standing at his podium in front of a large crowd of people all of whom are dressed in various costumes. "Lot 999 needs no introduction. It is the sword Excalibur from the movie Le Morte d' Arthur. We'll start the bidding at $500."
There is not a sound from the audience and no one expresses any interest in bidding on the sword.
"Ok how about $250?"
There is still no interest from the crowd and if anything they are starting to look bored.
"Are there really no bids for this one of a kind prop?"
In the back of the crowd someone dressed in air force military fatigues with a badge that says 'Colonel' stands up. "Who cares about that dusty old piece of junk? Get to lot 1005 already!"
Murmurs of agreement are heard from the other people at the auction. As the Auctioneer shrugs his shoulders and flips a few pages forward and a new item is brought out that looks like a giant staff. "Lot 1005 is the staff weapon carried by Teal'c in StarGate SG1. Do we have any opening bids?"
Almost everyone's hand shoots up instantly. Soon the bidders are screaming to be heard over each other in an effort to win the coveted item.
After several tense minutes during which the item is vehemently bided on between two people a winner is found. The Auctioneer bangs his gavel loudly. "Sold for $500,000 to the Federal Agent who can't spell CSI on his cap."
The Federal Agent pumps his fist in victory as a colleague sitting beside him leans in close to whisper in his ear. "Nice job Probie, though you do realize this makes you even more of a geek than it did before."
Continuing with the auction the Auctioneer brings out the next item. "Next up is lot 1006 which is the Kleenex box signed by Dr. Daniel Jackson in the first episode of StarGate SG1."
Scene of after the auction
The British gentleman from the auction is sitting at a table being interrogated by Perotta and Bones. "I represent a group that collects relics dating back to the Arthurian times or relating to the legend. I came here specifically for that sword."
Perotta gets up from her seat and walks over to the gentleman. "Sorry to say but you can't have the sword. It's part of a murder investigation."
The curtain to the room parts and the Auctioneer enters the room. "Man even for a rigged auction that was still exciting seeing you bidding for that sword. Man great job getting that sword." He finally notices Mormont standing in the room. "Oh shit."
Mormont is standing there with a look of rage on his face. "You mean to tell me the auction for the sword was rigged?"
Perotta, Bones, and the Auctioneer are all looking at the floor in embarrassment and disgrace. Each of them is unable to meet Mormont's eyes.
Mormont is now looking upset and disgusted. "Why is it every time I try to get some item of value the whole thing has to be set up?" Having come to a decision he turns and faces Bones. "Look I don't care if its part of a murder investigation I'm still willing to pay five hundred thousand for it once you're through with it."
Bones has a look of shock on her face as she looks at Mormont. "You have got to be kidding me."
Mormont has a smug look on his face as he pulls out his checkbook and a pen. "I never joke."
Scene of Bones vs. Black Knight
The Black Knight walks up to Sweets' car and draws a fist back before shattering the rear car window. Reaching through the shattered window he removes the sword Excalibur and starts walking away.
Bones continues to lie slumped forward in her seat with her head hanging down. She remains motionless as the Black Knight gets into his truck and drives away.
"Cut!" Yelling loudly and with a red face the Director leapt out of his chair as everyone on stage starts moving around. "Bones why the hell did you miss your cue?!?"
Booth is currently reaching through the passenger side window and is holding one of Bones' wrists in his hands. He holds her wrist for several seconds before letting it drop and turning to the Director. "Bad news…she forgot to wear her seat belt."
A long stream of profanity issued forth from the Director's mouth as he cursed just about anything that could come to mind. "This is just f&*$!ing great. Someone find Seto Kaiba or Dr. Orpheus so we can bring her back to life."
"Remember kiddies always buckle up. It could save your life." InuGhost2.0 grins up until he is hit in the back of the head by a plastic spork thrown by an irate Seshin.
"You're going to pay for killing Bones!" Wielding another spork she proceeds to chase InuGhost2.0 around the set.
Scene from Above take 2
The Black Knight has shattered the rear window of Sweats' car and is walking away with Excalibur.
Bones snaps awake and immediately notices the Black Knight walking away with the sword. "Hey! Come back here with that sword!" Moving quickly she manages to unbuckle her seatbelt and exits the car by leaping through the open window.
The Black Knight turns around to face Bones and drops Excalibur in shock at what Bones is wearing.
Bones is bedecked in a costume strikingly similar to Xena Warrior Princess' complete with the Chakram. "Leave now and I may just spare you life."
The Black Knight hesitates for only an instant before taking off running as though the hounds of Hades are nipping at his heels. This does him no good however as Bones waits for several seconds before throwing the Chakram at him. The Chakram nails the knight in the head and he falls to the ground out cold as the metal disc returns to Bones' hand.
"CUT!" A bemused expression is on the Director's face as he looks over the warrior anthropologist. "Dare I even ask why you're wearing that outfit?"
Bones looks down at her outfit before looking back up at the Director. "Booth suggested I wear it. He mentioned something about fan service and increased viewer ship." Bones looks over at the special agent who is currently openly staring at her and visibly drooling.
Scene from above take 3
The Black Knight is once again walking away clutching Excalibur as Bones lies unconscious in Sweets' car. He is halfway back to his truck before his path is blocked by a mysterious figure dressed entirely in black.
"Hold it right there. There is only room enough from one Dark Knight in this world and I'm it." The no longer so mysterious stranger rushes at the Black Knight and quickly and efficiently incapacitates him. He picks up Excalibur before turning back towards his own vehicle.
Bones has regained consciousness and has managed to open the passenger door and is running towards the departing figure. "Hey Your not going anywhere with that sword!"
The Director and film crew are starring in shock at the epic battle that is unfolding before them. It is with great effort that the Director manages to look away for even a few seconds to tell the cameraman "Whatever you do don't stop filming." Before turning back to the action.
Bones and the Dark Knight are an even match for each other and continue to trade a myriad of furious blows. Somehow Bones manages to get within his reach and with a devastating uppercut knocks the Dark Knight out cold. Grinning in triumph she boldly places her foot on the Dark Knights chest before looking up at the sky and yelling at the top of her lungs. "YES! I AM KING OF THE WORLD!" Reaching down she manages to remove the Dark Knight's cape and cowl and strips him of his belt. "These are so going on my office wall." Opening one of the compartments on the belt Bones withdraws the keys to the man's vehicle before hopping in and driving off to the stunned disbelief of the crowd.
Booth, Hodgins, and Sweets are huddled together offstage quietly whispering amongst themselves. Every now and again a mournful sob can be heard coming from Booth from the crushing of his childhood dream of getting to drive the Bat Mobile.
Scene of Sweets wanting to call Bones…Bones
Sweets is walking beside Bones in the Jeffersonian hallway a grin on his face as he talks with her. "After that moment we shared last night you wouldn't mind if I started calling you Bones also would you?"
Bones stops in her tracks and directs a death glare at Sweets. "I do mind. Only Booth can call me Bones."
Sweets is completely oblivious to the danger he is in as he continues to grin at Bones. "Oh come on Bones lighten up."
Bones is silently counting to 10 in her head in an effort to remain calm which is proving utterly futile. "Sweets you can call me Dr. Brennan and that is all."
Sweets has a serious look on his face finally as he thinks out how to best logically explain his position to Bones. "Bones after that near fatal accident and you defending my life against that assailant I feel I have every right to call you Bones just as Booth does."
Bones eye is twitching by this point despite her attempts to remain calm. By now even her voice carries an inflection of the restrained violence as she stares at Sweets. "Sweets I'm warning you. Don't. Call. Me. Bones." Special emphasis is placed on her last four words as she slowly says them trying to convey the danger Sweets is in.
With a smile on his face Sweets rushes headlong into danger. "Whatever you say Bones."
A cry of fury escapes Bones as he eyes seem to turn bright red. In an instant she is upon Sweets and has knocked him to the floor with her hands wrapped around his neck and banging the back of his head hard against the floor.
Pandemonium has gripped the set as the other actors try and pry Bones off of Sweets before she manages to kill him. Still others are yelling loudly trying to reason with her before she completes her horrid deed. During all this chaos the Director is still calmly seated in his chair and has pulled out his cell phone and is calling security. "I don't get paid enough for this."
Scene of Fisher explaining finding the murder weapon
Cam is working hard in her office when Mr. Fisher walks in grinning and carrying an item. "I've discovered what the murder weapon was."
At Fisher's declaration Cam looks up from what she is doing in excitement. "You have! What is it?"
With a smile of pride Fisher holds up a large metal device. "This is it. The pair of anguish. It's a medieval torture device. Valerie has one.
Cam has a look of shock on her face as she gives him her undivided attention. "Valerie…how do you know this?"
"Our eyes met at the convention and two sad and lonely hearts met each other in a night of passion."
Cam is slightly red faced at Fisher's admittance. "Ok."
"Aside from collecting rare and unique medieval weapons Valerie is also a fan of the delicate balance between pain and pleasure."
Cam is now even more shocked and embarrassed. "Come again."
"She asked me to use this on her, not all the way mind you, but just en…"
At this point Cam had heard enough and covering her ears she shouted loudly. "I don't want to hear anymore! Look can you just show me why you're certain this is the murder weapon."
"Sure." Walking over he grabbed a nearby skull that was sitting in a display case. Taking the skull he proceeded to use the pair of anguish to destroy the skull's jaw. "That's how it's done."
Cam nodded her head obviously impressed. "Very nicely done Mr. Fisher. Except you know you're in trouble now."
Fisher's normal gloomy expression dominates his face once again as he looks at Cam. "For sleeping with a suspect, I know and I'll try and never let it happen again."
"No not that. You're in trouble for destroying a three hundred year old skull. Which you get to explain to Dr. Brennan when she gets back."
A look of sudden relief is visible on Fisher's face. "So I'm not in trouble for sleeping with Valerie?"
"Of course you're not in trouble. If we punished everyone who worked here for sleeping with someone only Max Keenan and Zach would be the only two who wouldn't be in trouble constantly.
Scene of Perotta dealing with the Black Knights
Perotta hangs up her phone and walks into the conference room containing all the Black Knight suspects whilst grinning evilly.
A couple of Black Knights are standing beside the door and bow low as Perotta enters. "My Lady."
Perotta goes and seats herself at the head of the conference table before gazing at the gathered knights. "Good knights I have come to an important decision. You are all valiant and brave, and that shall be rewarded. I wish for you all to fight to the death. The winner shall have the honor and privilege of sharing my bed tonight for an evening of passion and romance. What say you?"
The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop as all the Black Knights gaze in shock at Perotta in stunned silence. After a few seconds they all begin to look wearily at each other. Suddenly an armed Black Knight draws his sword and attacks another Black Knight who is unarmed. The second Black Knight grabs a nearby wooden chair in a desperate attempt to defend himself.
Perotta has a self satisfied look on her face as she sips calmly at her coffee enjoying the carnage unfolding before her.
The Director is standing offstage with a look of shock and horror on his face. He manages to duck a flying severed arm and sidesteps a Black Knight who is lying prone on the floor as he heads over to his office mumbling to himself. "Cleanup is going to be a nightmare once this is done. Though this will probably be added to the unrated season four DVD."
Scene of Bones checking on Booth the last time
Bones is standing in Booth's apartment holding a copy of his X-Ray up to the light for a better look. "Your doctor misdiagnosed your injury. Your spine just needs readjustment. I can do that for you in 15 seconds."
Booth is looking wearily at Bones from his position on the couch. "I'm not so certain of that Bones. Last time you managed to injure me. This time you might end up killing me."
Bones rolls her eyes at Booth as she proceeds to walk towards him. "Booth please I'm a professional. I know what I'm doing so hold still."
During this discussion the door to Booth's apartment opens and agent Perotta walks inside carrying a brown paper bag and dressed in a long brown coat. "Booth I wanted to see if you were feeling any better. I brought dinner." She walks into the living room and is shocked at the scene before her.
Bones is sitting astride Booth, who is flat on his back on the couch and shirtless, whereas Bones is still fully clothed and is attempting to pull his upper body skyward despite her sitting on his lap. "Perotta I didn't expect to see you here. Could you give me a hand; I'm trying to realign Booth's back."
Perotta sits down the bag she is carrying and walks into the living room. "Sure. What is it you need me to do?"
"I need you to hold down Booth's legs while I try to raise his upper torso."
Pain is evident on Booth's face in spite of his attempts to conceal it. "Isn't there an easier way to do this that involves less pain?"
Bones releases Booth's upper body as she sits and thinks for a few minutes before coming up with an answer. "Well the only other surefire way to realign your back is through join extraneous physical exertion."
Booth has a bewildered look on his face as he looks at Bones questioning. "In layman's terms?"
Perotta and Bones exchange a look during which both roll their eyes at his obliviousness. "She means sex Booth."
At the mention of the word sex Booth's face lights up in a huge grin. "That's not a bad idea. Let's try that."
Bones shrugs and starts removing her clothes. "If that's what you want Booth. Perotta you can still help me out with this if you want."
"Sure whatever it takes to help Booth." Perotta slowly starts to remove her clothes also.
Booth is grinning and drooling by this time and is gazing at the two women stripping.
"Cut! People this is not an R rated HBO show. Bones put your clothes back on."
Booth has a hurt look on his face as he glances back and forth between the Director and Bones who is in the process of removing her bra. "Does she have to?"
A/N: Well that's all for now. Please review and let me know what you thought of this, and also let me know what episodes you want to see outtakes of. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Oh and remember reviews make authors happy, and happy authors are productive authors.