Uncommon Sutra

Summary: Jack discovers an interesting volume in the TARDIS library with a familiar likeness on its pages. He has some questions and one thing leads to another. Utter crack!fic. Jack/Nine

Rating: a conservative PG-13 for innuendo and off-screen action

Disclaimer: Own nothing, turn no profit. Well, actually, I did benefit greatly from the mental imagine of Jack and Nine…

Author's Note: Okay, this one's all my fault, even if Kameka did egg me on a bit (the idea was mine, she just said I should actually finish the thing). And, Kameka, if you tease me about the fact that this is one of three slash!fics I've started or finished this month, I will fly down there and beat you, woman! And not in a good way. At least, not to start…

Uncommon Sutra

Jack couldn't sleep, so he decided that a little exploration was in order. He had been on the TARDIS for a few weeks now, and still didn't know all her secrets. She was an amazing creature. He absently trailed his fingertips along the wall, enjoying the little thrill of exchanged energy, and turned down a corridor he hadn't been in before.

The Doctor would probably have killed him if he caught him feeling up His ship, but it was just a little harmless flirting. The TARDIS was more than capable of letting him know if she wanted him to stop. He got the impression that she kind of enjoyed the attention.

After a few minutes rambling, he came upon a large, arched room with carved stone tablets lining every wall. Jack studied their contents for a moment, smirking.

"I should have known…"

Well, when you had a ship this huge why not dedicate an entire room to the Kama Sutra? It had been inventive for something written back in the day. Of course, after First Contact, several new possibilities had opened themselves up. But, when you were talking about the physiological limitations of a pair of humans, the Kama Sutra managed to be fairly innovative.

Smiling, he bent close to examine one of the tablets. The quality of the carving was really just excellent. Someone had labored over this treasure for ages to make it perfect. It was nowhere near photographic because that's just a hard quality to get when you're dealing with stone, but it was incredibly detailed.

And, apparently, not drawn from the imagination. Because there, in the very first tablet, was a certain dark, big-eared man grinning like a maniac and still managing to convey a degree of intensity that left Jack's pants feeling just a bit tighter than they had been a moment ago.

"Wow," he whispered, letting his mind wander.

Then he decided that the first tablet wasn't really a pose to get that excited over, and went to look for the Doctor in others. To find that he was in all of them. Including a few that Jack was pretty sure hadn't made the final cut in the print edition…

"Oh, wow," he repeated, smiling speculatively.

Stay in the room and enjoy the images, or go for a chance at the real thing? Granted, the Doctor had a pretty massive crush on Rose, but still… Guy that age, probably pretty adventurous. Could probably teach Jack a thing or two, too, which was a nice bonus.

"God hates a coward," he told himself, going in search of the Doctor.

The Time Lord was on the floor of the control room, tinkering around with something in the main pillar.

"Okay, most of it I can see, but didn't tablet forty-two just hurt?" Jack asked cheerfully, leaning against the railing.

The Doctor looked up at him blankly for a moment, processing the words. Then it clicked and he fixed Jack with a rather inviting leer.

"I was in traction for a week and it was well worth it."

Jack raised an eyebrow, grinning. And coloring just a little, although not from anything quite as old-fashioned as embarrassment.

"This is a position I have got to try."

"Takes practice," the Doctor warned. "And a very patient teacher."

"Damn," Jack answered, shaking his head with mock-regret. "'Cause you just don't strike me as the patient type."

The leer was back. "I have my moments."

"Is that so?"

"Captain Jack, was that a challenge?" the Doctor demanded, looking delighted.

"Oh, you know me, Doctor. Never one to beat about the bush."

"Which is about your only redeeming characteristic," the Doctor answered.

"Oh, come on!" Jack protested. "Have you not looked at my ass?"

"Every chance I get, now that you mention it."

Jack grinned. "My place or yours?"

"Why not the tablet room?" the Doctor suggested. "There's the chaise and we'll be able to reference the source material if we need to. It has been a few hundred years."

"Sounds good," Jack agreed, offering his arm. "Although, I must say, having that collection in an unlocked room?"

"It's only sex. There isn't a thing wrong with that."

"Yeah, try telling that to Rose if she finds the place."

The Doctor's eyes widened, making Jack laugh.

"Although, that might be one way of making her take an interest in you," he pointed out cheerfully, smile widening as the Doctor turned red. "I'm pretty sure she's as hot for you as you are for her. Couldn't hurt to let her know you're a demon in the sack."

The Doctor pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"Think about it," Jack advised, patting his shoulder. "You two would make a sweet couple."

"You think?"

"Oh, absolutely," Jack agreed. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm getting just a little excited here…"

"Well, after you, then."

"Damn, and here I was hoping I'd be able to check out your ass for a change."

"All in good time, young Captain Harkness," the Doctor promised, smirking. "Now, let's get you defrocked."

0101010

"Okay, are you sure that's right? 'Cause it doesn't feel right."

"Which one of us has done this before, Jack?"

"Sorry, teacher. But you are a few hundred years out of practice and—- Ah!"

"Jack, I need you to relax for me."

"If I relax any more, I'm going to be useless to both of us! No wonder you ended up in traction!"

"Okay, just stay calm and try not to wiggle too much. I don't want to accidentally give you a spinal-adjustment here."

"Yeah, completely down with the absence of accidental chiropractics. Could you let up a little weight for a second there?"

"Better?"

"Much."

"Good. Now hold still."

"Ouch. Ow! Ooh! Oh, my…"

"Told you it was worth it."

"Heh, yeah. Uh, oh, wow… I, uh, I'm not even sure which god's name I should be screaming right now."

"Then feel free to use mine instead."

"Your ego is the size of a small star-system. Oh, my… Oh!"

"My ego may be big, but right now you probably agree that it's pretty well-deserved."

"Actually, uh, yeah… Oh. Could you, uh…"

"Do this again?"

"Yes!"

"Happy to oblige."

"Thank you! Oh, damn it! Please, sir, may I have another?"

"Actually, if you don't shift about ten degrees to the left, you're going to start doing yourself permanent damage. There's a reason this move didn't make the final cut."

"Too much of a good thing!"

"Your other left, Jack."

"Oh, sorry. Better?"

"Dear God, yes…"

"Glad you approve. Shall we finish this?"

"Yes, but kiss me there again first."

"Where, here?"

"Oh, yeah…"

"I never would have pegged that for one of your erogenous zones, Doctor!"

"Stop laughing, Jack!"

"I'm sorry, but it's funny!"

"Well, okay, so just a little. Now, where was I?"

"Here."

"Agh! Oh, yes, now I remember. Thanks, Jack."

"My pleasure. Literally."

"Oh, my God!"

Both men looked up in terror and, in unison but with varying degrees of shock and embarrassment, shouted, "Rose?"

To which the young shop-girl really didn't have a very good answer…

The End