Just a little note to say that I do not own 3rd Rock from the sun, any of its original plot lines, jokes or characters...although I wish I owned Tommy Solomon *I LOVE TOMMY SOLOMON*...too much?

The Solomons solemnly swear part 1

Lieutenant's Log

I Sally Solomon do Solemnly Swear:

1.) To control myself when this season's leather Prada handbags come on sale, accepting the fact that although they are beautiful and will go perfectly with my summer sandals and that they're half price if I buy one of those cute little Prada purses…they will not feed my family, food comes first…yes…*sigh*…

Food has to come first.

2.) To not embarrass Tommy by interrupting his classes claiming I've got lost on the way to the mall just so that I can flirt with the gorgeous, dreamy, perfect man that is Mr Randall.

3.) To work on my *anger issues*, realising that violence has no place in the home or workplace, or drugstore, or mall, or police department, or car garage or bowling alley, or park, or petting zoo…I promise to use my head before I use my fist, or foot, or especially heavy, buckled Gucci bag.

4.) To not to wrestle Harry, fight Dick or argue with Tommy, aware of the fact I have considerable advantage over each one of their scrawny butts, years of military training and a right hook that could knock Mohammed Ali out for six and the understanding that I could, without breaking a nail, snap their necks like twigs.

5.) To return the three hundred and twenty one "Mills and Boons" romance books that I *borrowed* from various women, found later under my bed by Dick. Hoping that Mrs Dubcek, Albright, Mrs Strudwick, Nina and that lady at the bookstore will understand they were for research purposes only and that I do not fantasise about lean, mean men in billowing white shirts with windswept, silky *I care about my physical appearance but not in a girl way* hair.

6.) To never feed my family cat food again because Tommy found an eyeball in his can and their breath stunk like tuna fish for two days afterwards.

7.) To record "Arthur" when it comes on T.V, not forgetting to record the catchy, emotive opening credits and theme song as Harry firmly believes this is the best part of the whole movie.

8.) To reduce my hours of *plucking, preening and powdering* in the bathroom even though I have hair to be shampooed, conditioned, dried and brushed to perfection, legs to be waxed into heavenly hairlessness, eyebrows to be plucked into shape, eyelashes to be curled into submission, nails to be filed to a bright shine and the tiniest of a *girl-stache* that needs to be kept at bay.

9.) To improve my cooking skills in general, fearing mutiny if blackened eggs with added shell and cremated slithers of bacon fat appear on the breakfast menu again, remembering that Harry turns to the board games when the food is inedible and that Monopoly was never the same without the little plastic houses.

10.) Finally, I promise to be a woman in the very best way I can. To continue to wear skirts and perfume not jackets and slacks, to practice my strut and pout and not slouch and shout, to use a handkerchief even though it may seem more practical at the time to wipe my nose against the back of my hand, to breath lightly and not snore, even if I have to shut my nose with a clothes peg and to sip Margaritas when I'm with *company* even though I'd prefer to chug down a beer.