I Harry Solomon do Solemnly Swear:
1.) To stop eating the little houses from the Monopoly game even though they taste so good with a lot of milk and a little sugar. I have to remember that although taste suspiciously like stale cornflakes…very stale cornflakes; they are in fact… plastic. A substance which, unfortunately, I cannot digest… or so Tommy claims, although I'm pretty sure he just wants all the Monopoly goodness for himself …I see through his little charade.
2.) To wear clothes in and outside the house, knowing that some people just aren't as confident about their bodies as me. *Cough* Tommy. Plus hot cooking oil and bare skin…not a good combination, no matter how good the term "naked chef" sounds.
3.) To not flaunt my *sexual prowess* whatever that means because not everyone in this world can be hot stuff like me. What would I do without the cold fishes of this world keeping everything running? *Cough* Again Tommy.
4.) Remember not to wear my coat in the woods, for some reason people keep shooting at me, they obviously can't handle the fact that I have style. I've been told that every time I almost get shot it puts strain on the family; my family obviously can't handle my superior dress sense either.
5.) To only eat one packet of lifesavers a day, I'm allowing myself two if I'm having a really bad day, for purely medical reasons. Apparently, if I have too much sugar I get a little *crazy*. Dick says the last time I went over three packets I went wacko. All I remember was waking up on our roof covered in maple syrup with Mrs Dubcek's bra on my head although I couldn't really see the downside of the situation. Honestly, just because I am an energetic guy who has a passion for life and…sugar does not make me hyperactive!
6.) To try and open my eyes, Dick says it's not normal to squint all the time even though my face is what makes me so attractive. He didn't say the attractive bit, but he knows it's true, they all do. Tommy says his friends think I'm mentally challenged, which is simply not true!...Because I know for a fact Tommy doesn't have any friends. Any way, I don't see why I should open my eyes all the way, I can still see. Ok so I do walk into things a lot, but again it's part of my irresistible Harry charm. All the ladies love it, well…not Sally, but she doesn't count.
7.) To stop complaining about the thing in my head. Dick says that he's pretty sure there weren't many brain cells to damage in the first place; well of course he can say that; they weren't his brain cells to loose. I could have been the next universal Einstein I tell you, but no, now I'm just the dumb extremely good looking one who doesn't get appreciated for his natural talent in the arts or for his wonderful personality, just for the big friggin chip in his head! I shall have my revenge, I just need a plan of action and I can tell you it will have something to do with their precious little monopoly houses.
8.) To stop asking Dick, Sally and Tommy to call me "Communications Officer" because Dick said that it's not a real title, it was just to get me to stop complaining about not having a name and "Communications Officer" sounded better than "The small squinty guy with mild social retardation and a large transmitter chip in his head". I was very hurt by his comments. I guess I should also stop because Harry is a lot less time consuming to say than "Communications Officer", which clocks up a surprising amount of time in your day.
9.) To stop trying to bring things to the human race. Apparently everything I want to give them…They already sorta…have. They already invented toasters, and according to Tommy, electricity. So my work is done.
10.) To stop my inventive cooking which is apparently, although I find it hard to believe, worse than Sally's. Understanding that not everyone's mouth is sophisticated enough to appreciate the subtle combination of flavours when you mix a trout with peanut butter, well Mrs Dubcek understands my art!