States Of The Mind

Set after episode 10

This is the first time I've written a piece this quickly after having gotten into a show. I watched the first 10 episodes over Saturday, and am hooked on it. Just wish they would let Marshall have his guy.

It was hard trying to get into the head of an established character, let alone a 16 year old. I'm much more used to writing alternate versions of characters. This may seem contradictory, but it is intended to be. Just the fun of having been in a 16 year old's head.

I'm in love with a 14 year old. I know there's not much difference between our ages, that's not the main problem.

The problem is it's a guy.

Everyone thinks that just because I'm the son of a minister, I have to be pure and sweet. Attend church every Sunday (which I do anyway, only because I have to), pray every night (which I never do), never swear or sleep around, chase the girls (which to be fair I don't really do anyway) or anything that normal teenagers seem to do.

I don't wanna do any of those things.

I already know who I wanna chase around.

I kissed him. Just the once, but it was enough. Or twice if you count him kissing me first. In that kiss I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me.

He smiled at me as I pulled away from him, and I could see myself falling in love with him.

Even the next day when I asked him to meet me at the bikes to ride home, I couldn't pluck up the courage to kiss him again. I wanted to, and I knew he wanted me to, but there was just something there, something in the back of my head saying "it's a guy, you don't kiss guys" that stopped me from doing anything.

But when we got to his house and he invited me back to the place of our first kiss, I was able to tell that voice to shut up, and I would have kissed him again, I really would have, if his mother hadn't interrupted us. Mother, T, whatever.

So why then was it not five minutes later T had her lips on mine and I had my hands on her breasts?

I did like Marshall, I wasn't lying about that. But when she asked me if I liked girls too? I thought I still did, so I replied again with maybe, and yeah maybe I was bisexual cos how did I really know?

I wanted to prove something, more to myself than T that I could still find girls attractive, and yeah, Marshall's mom was kinda hot in her own way, and T just made it that much easier to be able to experiment with.

I just wish Marsh didn't have to see it. Cos the truth is, I love him, I really do. Hanging out with him, working with him on the Hell house play, even just seeing him every day, that was enough.

But when he kissed me, and I kissed him, I knew things had changed.

That's why I left his house in kinda a hurry, probably seconds after the life changing kiss, because things had changed, and going by what happened with T, not for the better.

Marsh won't answer my calls or my texts, and he wasn't in school today. I heard a rumour going around that he burned down the shed where I kissed his mother – T, whatever. Cos honestly, does it really matter who it was that I kissed? Just that it wasn't him. I'd made it seem like I wanted something with him, I did, really, and seconds after I sort of say that I'd like him, I'm kissing someone else.

So I couldn't blame if he did burn it down.

I just wish I could see him, know he's okay, let him hit me if he wants to.

Cos I'm in love with him.

I just want him to know that.