Insulting E-mails, Prank Calls and a Bag of Muffins

It was a quiet and normal start to the day at Autobot Hq on Earth. The sun was shining and the birds were singing their merry tunes and you can hear that crappy morning melody in the backround. The Autobots were waking up from their slumber with happy smiles on their faces and wondering what could happen to them today. That was what Bumblebee and Huffer were doing right about now....the rest were in the control room lying all over the floor with Energon cubes everywhere. For those of you who weren't here the Autobots once again threw an awesome but totally messed up party which ended up with Jazz dancing on the table, Prowl chugging in the corner and I believe that Gears was making out with Teletraan-1...or humping his terminal. Anyway as the lights switched on the smashed up Autobots awoke to feel the awful effects of being hungover and the random throwing up. There were groans and whines and the sound of thudding when Ironhide fell down the stairs and ontop of Hound. Optimus himself was under a large pile of half empty cubes and he had Jazz, Sunstreaker, Tracks, Bluestreak, Perceptor and Grimlock all curled up next to them after one freaky one night do not want to know. To his annoyance he was forced to wake up when Teletraan-1 began to call out to him.

'Message for Optimus Prime!' he screeched.

Optimus groaned and pushed Jazz off of him and crawled over to where Teletraan-1 stood. He pulled himself up and knocked Gears off the control board so he could open the flashing message. After reading the message that was intened for him Optimus Prime gasped and suddenly adressed his still half drunk troops.

'Autobots! Snap to it on the double!' he demanded.

Instead of getting his troops mustered they all just groaned and fell over each other. The Autobot leader sighed and then pulled a lever that was known as "The After Party Clearer Upper" and watched as little robotic hands appered to clean up the mess and the Autobots were drenched in freezing cold water. Brawn ended up getting hosed through a window and Grimlock thought that this is what a wet dream was...dam pervert. After the mess was gone and the Autobots were now partly awake Optimus Prime then addressed them once again.

'Autobots...I have recieved a message from our greatest foe in the Universe!' boomed Optimus, walking to and fro with his hands behind his back.

The Autobots gasped as one name appeared in their minds. Megatron! The most evil of evil machines! The diabolical mecahnical monster! The cold hearted foul mouth beast of-

Optimus: OK we get it!

Megatron: She was getting to the good part!

Indeed I was...I mean after what happened in the last fic I have to start giving him some attention or he's gonna run and cry in his room again! Back to the fic...Sideswipe started waving his hand in the air to capture his leaders attention.

'Was it Megatron sir?' he asked.

Optimus sighed and shook his head.


He then punched up the message...which turned out to be an e-mail from the nearby neighbours demanding that the Autobots stop there stupid parties or they really would call the authorities and have their partying rights removed. That made someone scream from the back and it made Ironhide curse and swear.

'Those slag pit worms should mind their own business!' he growled.

'Yeah! Besides why are they living all they way out here when we had warned the genral public that living it would put your life at great risk!' snapped Prowl.

Optimus shrugged.

'Anyway enough is enough! I'm going to have them removed from the area...just need some grenades and a few mines thats all...Red Alert! Fetch all the weapons we have so we can remove the problem and then blame it on the Decepticons later!'

The Autobots cheered as Red Alert ran off to get their arsenal while Prowl began to hatch a plan of attack.

'OK...their house is here...we will strike with all our forces from all directions...including from the sky and from under the ground! We will blow them sky high until nothing remains and then make everyone believe that the Decepticons did it by some harmless brainwashing!'

As they plotted out their plan devious plan to destroy the annoying neighbours yet Red Alert suddenly returned...empty handed. Optimus suddenly got pissed as he looked at his freaked out security officer.

'I thought I told you to get the weapons!' snapped Prime.

'That's the thing sir! We've run out!'


All the Autobots suddenly looked up in horror after hearing what Red Alert had to tell them. All of their most powerful weapons known to bot were all gone? Even Optimus was having a hard time adjusting to the news...he had been fighting with Megatron this whole time with limited weaponry? If he had known that then he wouln't had used their powerful laser to write "Optimus bitch-slapped Megatron to his Mama!" on the moon's surface along with his other crazy sayings. To be sure he doubled checked with his security officer.

'No blaster ammo?'


'No grenades?'


'No bombs?'


'No lasers?'


'No weapons that "make Megatron cry when he see's it" things?'


'....any of Wheeljack's weapons?'


'Aw slag!'

How on Earth were they going to get more weapons...on this planet? The most powerful thing they had on Earth was a nuke but that wounld'nt even make a dent and the humans were real fussy about handing over their weapons. As Optimus pondered he recieved yet another e-mail and the message box indicated that it was from Megatron...which I find very strange since I don't recall giving him Prime's e-mail address. Opening the mail he read aloud what the Decepticon had to say.

'Dear stink! Hahahahahaha! Love Megatron xxx!'

The Autobots suddenly detected a high amount of pure emotion from their leader as his rage levels went beyond his maximin point! Then he slammed his fists onto the terminal and howled out in anger.


He then grabbed Jazz, Bumblebee and Ratchet and gave an order to his second in command.

'Prowl, me and the bots here are going to kick Megatron so far up his aft he won't be able to move for a whole eon! You try and figure out where we can get more weapons!'

Prowl saluted as the bots drove off with the intention of seriously killing Megatron in such horrible ways I can't mention them in this fic...try to imagine Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Hostel 1 and 2 and you'll get the idea. As the dust settled Hound sighed and looked at Mirage.

'He really hates it when people do that.' he muttered.

At the Decepticon base Soundwave, the only one who ever works, was picking up a signal that indicated that some Autobots were approching towards the base in a hurry. Where they here to finish them off at long last or did it have something to do with that e-mail Megatron sent earlier? Whatever the reason Soundwave had to inform his leader on the double.

'Starscream, we must inform Megatron about this reading!' he shouted.

He was expecting the Decepticon seeker to respond but nothing came. Looking over his shoulder he almsot fainted at the sight of Starscream adding the finishing touches to a giant wedding cake. It had pillars and decrotive icing and even a champange fountain in the I really got to get him to cater one of my functions!

'Just a second Soundwave! I have to add the bride and groom!' giggled Starscream.

'Starscream let's get serious here for a second! Why the slag do you bake cakes when you know fully well that we can't even eat them!?' snapped the Decepticon officer.

Starscream ignored him as he stood back and admired his work. As poor Soundwave began to grumble and mutter disturbing things Starscream finally took notice of the Autobot activity on the radar.

'Slag...guess we better go tell his lordship then!' mumbled Starscream.

As the two Decepticons made their way to Megatron's room they heard loud noises coming from within and a small crowd of Decepticons listening in outside the door. Whatever it was it sounded like Megatron was shouting at someone. Both Starscream and Soundwave joined the group to listen in on their leader. This is what they heard.

'So Optimus think you can waltz into my base and destroy me like that! You're a bigger fool then I imagined!' howled Megatron.

Starscream looked at Soundwave a little shocked.

'How did Optimus Prime get in the base without the alarms going off?'

Before Soundwave could answer they heard more noises coming from within.

'So Optimus Prime...before i destroy you once and for all...will you say I'm the greatest ever!?'

Then they heard Optimus reply.

'Oh Megatron...I was wrong after all these truly are the greatest Cybertronian to ever exisist!'

The Decepticons outside the room gaped in horror when they realized that their leader managed to convince Optimus Prime to admit to Megatron being cooler than he was. Hell even I am! He usally runs off to cry whenever he's up against Optimus Prime! However Skywarp didn't seem too convinced.

'Does Optimus have a cold? He sounds really funny.'

As the Decepticons pondered about this they heard more noises and the sound of their leader glaoting.

'Yes I am the greatest! Do you also think I'm sexy?'

That made the Decepticons look at each other with disgust but to their surprise Optimus answered.

'Yes Megatron! You are so hot it makes me want to give up my virginity to you!'

The Decepticons groaned with disgust and Reflector ran off to throw up in the nearest corner. Soundwave had heard enough and pushed his way past the small crowd determined to inform Megatron that other Autobots were on their way with the possible intention to rescue their leader. Forcing the door open he walked into Megatron's room and stood to attention.

'Megatron sir! It is Primus!'

What Soundwave had walked in to...what the other Decepticons were now looking at from outside their leaders door made all of their systems shut down for a moment before rebooting themselves a few times over. Sitting in the middle of his room Megatron had in his hand...a revoltech Optimus Prime dressed in a pink apron. Around him were dolls and cute little plushy's with big eyes and hand made cape's. Megatron...the most evil of evil machines had been caught red handed...playing with dolls.

AutobotV: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh Megatron you get weirder everytime! HAHAHAHA!

Megatron had just noticed his troops now looking at him from his bedroom's entrance and his face went as red as blood from the sheer embaressment of it all. Then he got pissed and pulled out his fusion cannon and fired it wildly at his soldiers.


The Decepticons had to duck and cover as Megatron blasted left and right. Thundercraker couldn't move...he was still having a major fit of luaghter going on so Skywarp had to warp him out of there. Starscream was trying to pull out his camera but he had to take cover and Soundwave just stood there in complete shock. So after Megatron pretty much blew up everything in the base he finally calmed down and listened to what Soundwave had to say.

'What is it Soundwave? Another Energy sight we can rob before the Autobots get wind of it?'

Soundwave continued to stand there in pure shock. Starscream waved his hand in front of his optics a few times but got nothing. Even Megatron tapped him on the helm but got nothing.

'What the slag is wrong with you Soundwave?' snapped Megatron.

AutobotV: Gee Megatron I wonder. This poor Decepticon who looked up to you since his early career as a Decepticon and he finds you playing with dolls! YOU TURNED HIM INTO A VEGETABLE YOU TWIT!

Megatron: Well I warned him about knocking!

AutobotV: It's OK...we can fix this...just show him a naked picture of Jazz and we can get back to the fic.

As Skywarp began to bring Soundwave back to reality with a pin up of Jazz the Autobot from Hot Bots monthly Starscream had to tell Megatron himself what they had learned from their radar. Plus it made him feel really important when he did something like this.

'Megatron...for unknown reasons the Autobots led by Optimus Prime are on their way here right now! Soundwave beliveved it had something to do with an e-mail you sent him.'

'WHAT!? Aw slag...I knew this would happen but did I listen to my will power? No...I had to be a big showoff and proove to AutobotV I could send a sacry e-mail to Optimus Prime! Took me foever to come up with something that scary too!'

AutobotV: Scary? You think "Dear Optimus you stink Love Megatron" is scary? Primus no wonder you haven't beaten the Autobots.

Megatron: It scared Reflector!

AutobotV: My point exactly!

Megatron grumbled and began to think very long and very hard. Soundwave had fianally come round and was heading towards the toilet with the pin up of Jazz. Starscream began to think of some new recipies while Thundercraker and Skywarp played snap. The Constructicons decided to build a small house out of kiddy Building Blocks while Astrotrain decided to hook onto the internet. After 3 hours 48 minutes and 12 seconds later Megatron finally came up with a plan.

'Starscream! Get me the phone!' he demanded.

Meanwhile a few hundred miles away from the Decepticon base Optimus Jazz Ratchet and Bumblebee had to take a break from all the driving they did this morning after getting lost and trying to remember where the Decepticon base was. When they remebered they stopped for gas and got slightly disturbed with the gas pump...I mean to you or me that's normal but to a robot from another planet it look dead wrong. Optimus on the other hand got a crazy idea.

'Let's shove it up Bumblebee's aft!'

'WHAT!?' wailed the poor yellow Autobot.

So after a nasty little expiriment the Autobots now sat near a ravine but Bumblebee had to stand up since his aft was in a lot of pain. Jazz was trying to hatch a plan of attack while Ratchet polished his wrench in a very disturbing way. Optimus then started to go on and on about what he was going to do when he got his hands on Megatron.

'I'm going to make that twisted up pile of slag wish he had never been born!' snarled the Autobot leader.

'Optimus no matter how many times you say ain't gonna happen,' mumbled Jazz.

Before Optimus could shout back they suddenly heard a distant sound of Nickleback's Rockstar song playing. The Autobots looked at each other in confusion until Optimus pulled out a device from his arm compartment. Bumblebee looked at it confused.

'What is that? An mp3 player or something?'

Optimus smacked the yellow Autobot on the head.

'It's 1984 you idiot! Mp3 players don't exist yet...this is my cell phone with a digital camera and everything,' snapped the Autobot leader.

Ratchet now looked confused.

'But you said it's 1984!'

'Not now Ratchet I'm trying to take a call!'

As the other Autobots now appeared confused with this strange logic Optimus took his call and got slightly pissed when he recognized the voice from the other line. Yes indeed it was Megatron who somehow discovered Optimus had a cell phone even though it was 1984 and discovered his number for it out of complete luck! What are the odds of that?

Ratchet: "impossible number that I can't even name" to one...

AutobotV: Oh.

Optimus snarled down the phone has Megatron cackled away.

'Megatron! How did you get this number!?' snarled Prime almost crushing his expensive cell phone.

On the other line Megatron answered.

'I have my ways Optimus and I'm not telling you! I heard you got my e-mail this morning from my communication officer! Did it scare the living mainframe out of you? Did it make you run to your maker? Did it make you lubricate ypourself on the spot?'

'No it just really pissed me off,' replied Prime in a cool manner.

Megatron cursed and decided to hire some writers in the near future. He was rather hoping that Optimus had lubricated himself on the spot after reading his e-mail but you can't have everything...except for a G1 Optimus Prime dressed up like a maid! That was on Megatron's wish list on e-bay. Getting back to his mocking of the Autobot leader Megatron tried to scare Prime some more.

'Well you can't get me Prime! Nananananana!'

AutobotV: Oh dear Primus somebody call Unicron so he can become Galvatron already!

Everyone: WHAT!?

AutobotV: ....I was only kidding...jeez take a joke!

Optimus growled and started screaming back.

'Once I get my hands on you I'm gonna make you wish that you never learnt how to write!'

'Oh yeah?' growled Megatron.

'Yeah!' snapped Prime.

'Oh yeah?'


'Oh yeah?'


'Oh yeah?'


Jazz: Hey V? Anychance of speeding this up?

AutobotV: I'm on it.

So 45 hours 27 minutes and 18 seconds later Optimus finally walked on back to his Autobots who were waiting for him to finish his stupid arguement with Megatron over the phone. Jazz had made a couple of bets with Bumblebee and Ratchet at who would last the longest so he quickly got up to greet the pissed off Autobot leader.

'So who won?' asked Jazz.

'The battery ran out!' grumbled Prime.

Jazz cursed to himself after loosing the bet whilst Ratchet stood up and got a little serious.

'OK Prime...I have been meaning to ask this since we left the base! How are we going to take on Megatron when he is underwater in his base that has a class 5 security lock and that he is also protected by a bunch of Decepticons who out number us greatly and we don't even have any weapons? Also why the slag did you just bring me, Bumblebee and Jazz when you know what we're up against!?'

Optimus suddenly looked a little stiff and he pondered for a moment. After a few minutes of thinking Ratchet slapped his own face in total shock and horror when he realized that Optimus hadn't even thought this battle plan through. Jazz was still pissed he lost a bet to Bumblebee and Optimus was trying to think of a come back.

'Well...i was going to charge in there with Stan Bush The Touch music playing in the backround and defeat the Decepticons single handed while you take care of the sick and use Bumblebee as a sheild!' replied Optimus suddenly.

'Whay kind of plan is that!?' snapped Ratchet.

'A good one!'

As Ratchet began to bash his head up against a nearby rock Bumblebee came over to suggest his own idea for a plan of attack.

'Why don't we use the Matrix Prime?' he squeaked.

'Bumblebee I'm not in the mood for that piece of crap got confusing in the second one!'

'I was talking about the thing in your chest!'

'....Why would I have that movie in my chest?'

I'm not sure who is dumber....Prime or Megatron....anyway I'm gonna leave them to figure it out so until next time!