I do not own bleach. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
That said ------
Well, here it is. After a lot of caffeine, 5 days and 2,175 words later – here it is!
An insight into the over-active imaginations of Aizen and Gin, and the death(s) of Tousen Kaname! Tis my first ever crack fic!
Crazyfeatherhead this ones for you so ya best review!
Kaname Tousen must die
"So what ya wanna talk ta me about?"
Gin asked as he practically threw himself onto the large armchair in the most casual manner possible whereas Aizen, to the contrary, sat down rather gracefully in comparison.
"Well Gin it appears as if we have a problem..."
"Eh? Not talkin' bout me are ya? I aint done nothin."
"No, it does not concern you this time Gin, but rather our good friend Tousen."
"Waaah? Goody goody justice two shoes Tousen-san?"
Gins expression showed one of sheer confusion at this statement, Tousen had been nothing but the loyal subordinate to Aizen yet his words were dripping with disdain. Gin was just being sarcastic.
"Gin I can assure you that I am quite serious here."
"YES, GIN and if you do not shut up then I am afraid that I will have to -"
"Yeah yeah alright alright – jeez"
Aizen let out an exasperated sigh. It was not the first time that Gin had tested his patience. But even so he thought that he had better explain. Tousen was, and always has been, a loyal subordinate to Aizen. But, as always, there has been an underlying problem – the justice ranting.
"Frankly, I am sick of it – it's always justice this and justice that – and I fear that I am at the end of my tether..."
"Waaaah? But Tousen's been nothin but yer loyal follower! He's always done as he's told~~~"
"Much unlike someone else I know."
Gin just smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Trying and failing to look innocent.
"- but that's beside the point. He has become a bit of a problem lately and we must do something about it."
"So whatchya gonna do about 'im?"
"Well, we are simply going to have to get rid of him. To be honest, nobody really cares about him and he is probably going to end up dying in the war or getting killed by one of the espadas anyway."
"Hm, we could always poison him"
Aizen tutted in disapproval at this statement. True, poisoning him would be easy – arsenic in his tea would kill him off quite quickly, and easily solve the problem for good, but Aizen thought that to be too quick and merciful for his tastes.
"Gin, I never would have thought that someone with as much creative flair as yourself with a speciality in killing and murdering would have been so unoriginal when it came to suggesting ideas."
"Then what about we shove him off a cliff…"
"Now that's better."
"Aizen-sama ya know that's not gonna work"
Aizen was attempting to get Tousen to go over the edge of a cliff with a stick and it was not working. Tousen just wouldn't budge.
"Well, I'd like to hear any better ideas Gin."
"I got one…"
"Well, what is it then?"
Gin takes some paces backwards and then takes a flying leap at Tousen. Thus effectively shoving him off the edge of the cliff.
"See how easy that was Aizen?"
"Or we could blow him up…"
"Gin, what the hell are you doing?"
"ssshhh, I'm a gonna kill tousen for ya"
They are both on the top of a hill – a very sandy hill – and Aizen is standing above Gin who was currently kneeling down and trying to spy their fellow traitor with a rocket launcher.
"Okay, I got him…"
"Gin what are you doing?"
"Where'd that rocket launcher come from?"
Bang. The grenade was fired.
Gin was thrown back by the sheer force of the backfire from the rocket launcher, leaving Aizen watching the missile exploding upon their ally with much anticipation. Dust and sand clouding his vision as Gin scrambled half onto the rock which he was hiding behind, smiling in eagerness at Tousens demise.
"Did I get him?"
"You just blew up LAS NOCHES!!!!!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SO?"
"I killed Tousen for ya didn' I?"
"Well, yes- at least we don't have to listen to him anymore…"
"We could always rebuild our house ya know"
"Yes – I will order the arrancars to do so immediately. And at last we will have a quiet, justice free life…"
Ah yes, the thought of a quiet life without the little (now I say "little") annoyances of Tousen… that was what Aizens greatest wish was. The only problem what lay ahead of them now was actually making that dream a reality.
"What 'bout we Sweeney him Aizen?"
"Hm? I do believe I have never heard of this concept known as 'sweeneying'. Please elaborate Ichimaru."
"Well, it kinda goes like this..."
Gin walks in, only to find Aizen standing behind a chair, straight razor in his hand.
"Err, Aizen-san? What's with the barber outfit? Is the Sweeney Todd look in this year?"
"Well, yes, I thought a change of attire would liven things up a bit… and make me look sexier – but that's not the point. I am going to kill Tousen under the clever ruse that I will give him a shave"
"So yer gonna Sweeney him?"
"But Tousen don' have a beard. How ya gonna shave 'im if he don't have a beard?"
"I used kyouga suigetsu."
Cue Tousen to enter the room. There sitting Aizen, looking a remarkably evil (and attractive) barber. And Gin leaning over the back of the chair smiling sweetly at the thought of this plan, wondering whether or not he would get to make pies with the body later.
"Aizen-san… can I make pies with 'im when yer done?"
"If you wish"
"yay! Arigato Aizen-chaaan~"
"You can feed him to the espadas at the next meeting."
"shh, be quiet here he comes…"
"Aizen-sama, I am here for my shave"
"Ah, excellent! Please take a seat"
Ichimaru's grin widened (if that is at all possible).
"A close shave?"
He asked, trying to contain his excitement at the thought of what would happen next as Tousen unwittingly bared his neck to be 'shaved' by Aizen, leaning his head back slightly.
"The closest one I ever gave"
He then started laughing maniacally as he slashed Tousens throat, plunging the razor into his jugular veins numerous times making blood squirt out everywhere, revelling in the gore, with both of them laughing like insane evil idiots at the death of Tousen…
"Ichimaru, what a charming notion… how eminently practical and appropriate as always… Ichimaru, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know…"
"Well it would be a waste…"
"Do you have any more wonderful ideas?"
"Can you arrancar not cut it down any faster than this?"
"We're going as fast as we can Aizen-sama"
Aizen was watching three of his espadas cut down an insanely huge tree. Not one of those quartz trees, but a tree one would find in the living world – meaning a living tree - roots and all.
Gin, having watched this for some time, wandered over leaving Tousen to carry on walking through the desert.
"Ne? Aizen-chan what ya doin?"
"I am cutting down a large tree."
"Isn't that what the espadas is doing?"
"Aizen-sama we're done! We just need to knock it over! Onto Tousen-sama's head right?"
"Yes, that is right"
Gin paused, taking a good look at the tree that had just been cut. But why in huecco mundo was it still standing? Where was the gravity?
"err, Aizen I think there's a problem… hold on lemme fix it"
He takes a few paces back from the tree and takes a run up to it. One round house kick and down it goes, landing – as planned – right on top of the head of Kaname Tousen. Effectively squishing him.
Gin was sitting in his chair and snickering like the evil little fox that he was at the thought of the tree squishing, before Aizen interrupted him.
"Now that is just ridiculous Gin"
"You said to be original..."
"Why don'tchya just make 'im jump off a cliff – he's loyal enough."
"Oh yes Gin, that will go down well 'Tousen, frankly I don't care about your sense of justice anymore, so as your king, I order you to jump off a cliff' how is that going to work?"
"Yes Aizen-sama. I will do so immediately"
Gin and Aizen can only sit there with dumbfounded looks upon their faces.
"Was... was that Tousen?"
"I believe so"
"I don' get it. He's gonna throw himself off a cliff... just like that?"
"I don't believe it"
"Aizen~ where ya goin?"
Aizen simply refused to believe that it would be that easy. No, it couldn't possibly be this easy to be rid of him. He was pacing the corridors now looking for him. It wasn't that he didn't trust Tousen, it's just that he refused to believe that anyone would throw themselves off a cliff on command.
"Where is Kaname?!"
"In the kitchen Aizen-sama."
Aizen storms off again down the corridor, his footsteps echoing through the whiteness. So much for Tousen jumping off the cliff...
Tousen, quite blissfully unaware of what lay in store for him, was putting his can of sphagetti O's into the microwave when he was suddenly ambushed. He had only just pushed the button to turn on the microwave when Aizen came flying at him, shortly followed by Gin.
They landed with an almighty thud and all three of them were wrestling wildly on the floor, with Tousen trying to free himself out of the grip Aizen had on his wrists as Ichimaru attempted to restrain his legs, clutching his ankles for dear life for fear of being kicked in the face.
The microwave blew up just as Gin threw a toastie oven at Tousen, while Aizen narrowly missed getting hit by a demon art that was fired and Tousen got a face full of spaghetti. Quickly retaliating, Aizen managed to get Tousen to relinquish his soul cutter and threw it out of the room with great force – narrowly missing Ulquiorra, who thought it better to not question the scene before him, or get involved
Gin had managed to eventually restrain him by sitting on him and somehow managed to hold both of Tousens arms behind his back.
"There I got him, get him Aizen!"
"Shove him in the oven Gin!"
"That is IT, I am using bankai"
"What the fu- Aizen no! Trust me it's not worth it!"
Gin was attempting to 'sweeney' Tousen now, who had managed to kick him in the behind, making him yelp out.
"yeow! You are gonna pay fer that!"
"Gin, I thought it wasn't worth it!"
"Open the oven!" Gin screeched at the top of his lungs – very much enraged as he tried to pin down Tousen by the neck, using Shinsou to Sweeney him, although ineffectively.
"I will make you suffer!!!!!!"
He screamed again as he somehow managed to overpower Tousen (with Aizens help) and both of them shoved him into the large industrial sized oven. (like the one in the Sweeney Todd film, not like the ones you can fit a car in)
Tousen had fallen in but grabbed Gins wrist, almost taking Ichimaru with him so Aizen had to grab Gins waist and wrench Tousens grip away. Both of them were thrown back as Tousen let go in an attempt to give himself some time to escape but Gin thought ahead and used Shinsou to close the oven door on him.
Aizen turned up the gas, lit a match and quickly threw it in and closed the door quickly, thus burning Kaname Tousen to a cinder.
Gin just grinned like an evil little fox as he turned up the gas even more while Aizen managed to recompose himself - and his hair, which had resorted itself back into the messy style it was before the betrayal. Still breathing heavily he ran his hand through it again so that it returned to the 'badass' style.
"Ichimaru… has anyone ever told you that you're a bit of a psycho?"
------------------the next day------------------
All of the espadas were seated, and the meeting would begin quite soon. All they had to do was to wait for Aizen to show up.
"Ah, greetings my espada, seeing as you have all done so well this past week I have a little surprise in store for you."
Now all of the wheels in the espadas brains were turning. What could possibly inspire such generosity from their king?
"A… surprise… Aizen-sama?"
This is the moment when Gin chooses to come in carrying numerous plates. One for each of the individual espada.
"He's giving us food?"
"Is it hollow?"
"Is it shinigami?"
Every single one of the ten espada could only stare at the food that had been placed before them. Unsure as to whether or not they should eat it.
"Well, dig in… Ichimaru made it himself"
"Well… Tousen helped."
hahahaha, I nearly died laughing writing it. How was my first attempt at crack? I hope ya liked it!
Okay some points I would like to make: please don't comment on any of the following…
1 – YES I KNOW TOUSEN IS BLIND AND KYOUGA SUIGETSU WONT WORK ON HIM BUT THIS IS CRACK AND IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE. Aizen is a genius anyway so I'm sure he would find a way around it.
2 – I DON'T KNOW WHY GIN WOULD BLOW UP LAS NOCHES OR WHERE ON EARTH HE WOULD GET A ROCKET LAUNCHER FROM. Urahara most probably.
3 – SAME GOES FOR AIZEN'S BARBER ATTIRE. Ishida probably made it for him. (see Johnny depp in Tim Burtons film) and Urahara probably provided the razor.
4 – YES, LAS NOCHES IS NOT TECHNICALLY A HOUSE – BUT THEY LIVE THERE SO THEY SHOULD CALL IT A HOUSE. LIKE I SAID THIS IS CRACK. What else would they call that building where they live without sounding ridiculous?
5 – I ALSO KNOW THAT THERE WOULD NOT BE ANY TREES IN HUECCO MUNDO. This is why aizen planted one there on purpose. Or used kyouga suigetsu (see point number 1) the same goes for the cliff.
6 – I think that Gin makes a fine Mrs Lovett don't you? I nearly died laughing. He also watches way too much Chuck Norris cartoons. His grammar in dialogue is also appalling. (I should also say that my grammar is also)
7 – Also, I don't know why Tousen would go to the kitchen after being ordered to jump off a cliff. This is crack – it's not supposed to make sense.
8 – I DON'T KNOW WHY TOUSEN WOULD BLOW UP THE MICROWAVE!
9 - about the industrial oven - Gin likes to bake things. plus Aizen has to feed his thousands of arrancars. thats why.
Well, that's me done… for now. i had a lot of fun writing this one. If ya wanna see more crack like this then review review review!
TheDrunkenWerewolf is waiting for your comments…
Ps – Crazyfeatherhead I can totally picture Aizen and Gin waltzing and singing 'a little priest' like in the film. hahahaha! With Gin as Lovett and Aizen as Sweeney!
Wow if I could draw I would draw that!
Yes, Gin is a psycho little fox….. but that's why we love him!