AN: This is my first attempt to write from Emmett's POV. After starting chapter 8, I couldn't get him out of my head. This actually happens during Chapter 4 while Edward and Esme are Christmas shopping. I hope everyone laughs as hard as birdee and I did.

Thanks, birdee for being a Jedi Master Beta. Thanks vjgm for validating everything on Twilighted for me.

I would like to pay homage to the original creator of produce porn, BITTENEV. I still cannot step foot in the produce department without thinking about Stitches and Scars.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just like play in her world.



I was so relieved when I finally saw our home over the horizon. That was the longest it had ever taken me to get home from school. I couldn't understand how the hell our little Bells could stand driving this monster. It couldn't even go over 50. I parked the ancient truck in front of the house, and Edward met me outside. We quickly moved all of Bella's things to the basement.

"Dude, how the hell does she drive that rusted bucket of junk?"

"I honestly don't know. I actually haven't ever seen her drive it. We've always taken her everywhere. Maybe I can talk her into letting me get her a new car," Edward mused.

"I heard that. There is nothing wrong with my truck, so I don't need a new car. I don't drive enough, so there is no need to waste money on one." Bella rolled her eyes.

Alice dragged Bella upstairs once we were done unloading her things. I headed to the entertainment room and played a few video games. I decided to head to my room when Edward and Mom left to finish their Christmas shopping.

I heard giggling as I got closer to Ali's room. I decided to hang by the door and see what had them so amused. I didn't expect what I heard.

"Alice, I need your help," Bella said shyly.

"I'll help you any way I can. That's what sisters are for. So, spill, Swan. What can I do for you?"

"Um, I'm not exactly sure how to ask this." I could just see Bella's face turning bright red in my mind. She sounded so embarrassed.

"Come on Bella. We've talked about sex. Not just sex, but sex with my brother. I'd think we could talk about anything by this point."

"Okay. Um, you're right. Anyway, I really want to try oral sex, but I'm totally clueless about it." Bella's voice was muffled on her last sentence. I could only guess that she had a pillow covering her face.

Alice squealed. "Bella, I would be happy to give you a few pointers. Let me call Rose. She's the one who helped me. She was a huge help."

I couldn't believe I heard Bella asking about giving a blowjob. Edward has no idea how lucky he was. Most girls would go in cold turkey having no idea what to expect. Luckily my Rosie talked to me. She had no clue what to do. She told me that she wanted to try and that she wanted me to tell her what to do. That was one of the best nights of my life. I felt like Yoda. Good at oral sex you will be if you follow my instructions.

I was lost in my musings when I heard Alice walking toward her door. I quickly jumped back and started casually walking back toward my room. Alice smirked at me and headed downstairs. I peeked in her room and found an extremely red-faced Bella sitting on Ali's bed shaking her head back and forth and mumbling under her breath. She looked up when she heard me push the door open.

"Hey, Em," she said shyly.

"Hey, Bellie. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I pulled her into a tight bear hug and stroked her hair.

"I know you will, kid. Just know that I'm here if you ever need anything."

I gave her one more squeeze and walked down the hall. I heard her leave Alice's room a few minutes later. My curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to make sure I was privy to Bella's training. I snuck into Alice's room and hid in her closet behind last season's wardrobe. There was no way in hell she would touch those clothes, so I didn't worry about them finding me.

I had just finished putting my phone on silent when the girls started settling back into Alice's room. My Rosie was with them. I left the closet door cracked, and I was able to peek out and see everything they were doing.

Alice took a grocery bag from Rose and starting unloading it. I couldn't believe what I saw. First, she pulled out a bunch of carrots. Next, I saw three medium sized cucumbers. Finally, Alice pulled out a bottle of tequila and three shot glasses. What the hell were the girls up to? I thought they were going to teach Bella how to give Eddie one hell of a blowjob, not make a salad.

"Um, what are we gonna do with all that?" Bella asked timidly.

"First, we're going to get a little tequila in you to loosen you up. I don't think you'll make it through this fully sober. Then, Alice and I will walk you through a few tried and proven techniques using the carrots and cucumbers to practice on," Rose answered.

Bella's expression was hilarious. She looked horrified and embarrassed at the same time. Alice rolled her eyes and filled the shot glasses.

"Bottoms up, ladies." Alice and Rose threw back their shots. Bella cautiously sipped hers and nearly choked.

"Oh my God! Are you trying to kill me?" she croaked.

"Just drink it fast. You'll get used to the burn." Bella took a deep breath and threw the rest of her shot back. She once again started coughing. The girls repeated another round before Alice handed Bella the biggest carrot in the bunch. She and Rosie were both holding cucumbers. "We're going to start you off with the carrot. Once you get comfortable with that, then we'll move on to the cucumber." Bella looked terrified.

Rosie stepped up and went all BJ master on Bella's ass. She was waving one of the cucumbers in front of her. "Bella, this is something both of you will enjoy. If you aren't enjoying yourself, then you are doing something wrong. Okay, onto the lesson. Take your time exploring his body with your mouth. Kiss, lick, and nibble all over his chest, abs, and up and down his legs. That will drive him absolutely nuts." Rosie always pushed me to my limits teasing me with her hot little mouth that way. I was starting to get hard thinking about Rosie's mouth and listening to her teach Bella.

"Now, on to the good stuff. First, firmly wrap your hand around him and slowly stroke his cock a few times." Rosie was stroking her cucumber expertly. Bella hesitantly followed Rosie's lead.

"Once you've got him squirming bend down and slowly lick him from base to tip. Make sure you pay special attention to the head. Roll your tongue around it a few times." My talented Rosie was going to town on the cucumber. Bella once again followed Rosie's lead. She was a quick learner.

"Now, slip the head into your mouth and slowly take all of his cock in. Use your hand to reach any part of him that won't fit into your mouth. You can work your mouth and your hand together to stroke him. Once you're comfortable with him in your mouth, increase the speed you are moving up and down. Don't forget to use your tongue. Use your other hand to gently massage his balls while you're moving up and down his shaft." Bella was diligently working the carrot in and out of her mouth. She stuck too far back one time and started gagging. It took everything in me not to laugh out loud.

"Take a break every now and then and talk dirty to him. Make sure and comment about how good he tastes and how big and hard he is." I loved it when Rosie talked dirty to me. My hand started to drift toward my crotch. I had to stop that fast. I didn't think I'd be able to touch myself and be quiet.

Alice quickly poured another round of shots. The girls quickly threw them back and Bella giggled. I hoped they didn't get Bella drunk. I didn't think any of them want to explain to Edward what they had been up to.

Bella looked longingly at her carrot then took a big bite. I cracked up. I was silently laughing so hard my sides were killing me. I sure hoped she didn't do that poor little Eddie.

"Bella, we haven't discussed the use of teeth yet. Don't ever bite down like that. That will be the end of any fun you plan on having in the future," Rose chided.

"Sorry, I was hungry and the carrot looked too good. I promise not to ever use teeth on Edward," Bella giggled. Oh yeah, they definitely needed to put the tequila away.

"Bella, it is fine to use your teeth, just don't bite down. Only use your teeth to lightly graze his shaft as you move up and down. Use slight pressure. You want him to feel good, not end up needing a trip to the ER." Rosie spoke with such authority. We were definitely playing out my teacher fantasy over the holidays.

Alice pulled out the third cucumber and handed it to Bella. Bella looked at it longingly. I think they were turning our little Bella on.

"Bella, I want you to work on taking the cucumber as far into your mouth as possible. You will drive Edward absolutely nuts if he can touch the back of your throat and you not gag." Bella grabbed her cucumber like a pro and started trying to deep throat it. She gagged the minute it got too deep.

"You need to relax your throat. Don't think about it. Just think about Edward." I could actually see Bella start to relax. I didn't even want to know what was going through her mind. "Good. Now try again. Work up to it if you need to."

Alice and Rose started working their cucumbers with Bella. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. All I could focus on was Rosie working that cucumber. I kept imagining it was me moving in and out of her mouth. Bella gagged again and brought me out of my little fantasy.

After about ten more minutes, Bella had finally gotten the hang of what she needed to do. I thought that surely they were done. I was praying they would leave the room so I could make a stealthy exit and make a mad dash for my room.

"Bella, you're doing a great job. There is one last thing we need to discuss, to swallow or not to swallow." Bella grimaced at Alice's words. She obviously hadn't thought that far ahead.

"You mean girls actually swallow guys, um, uh, you know?" Bella was beet red and shifting uncomfortably back and forth.

"Yes, Bella. Girls actually swallow a guy's come. There's nothing wrong with it. Most guys prefer if the girl swallows but understand if she doesn't. You have two options. When he gets close you can stop using your mouth and finish him off with your hand, or you can finish with your mouth and swallow once he's done. I'm sure Edward would be fine with which ever option you choose." Rosie made it sound so easy. I had a feeling poor Eddie would be too shocked at having Bella's lips wrapped around his dick that he wouldn't care where his spunk ended up just as long as he came.

"So, he would like it better if I swallowed?" she asked timidly.

"Honestly, Bella, Edward will probably be in such shock that you went down on him he wouldn't care what you did. You do what you feel comfortable doing." Alice patted Bella's back.

I heard the front door open and figured Edward and Mom were finally home. Maybe I could finally make it out of the closet. This oral lesson did quite the number on me, and I was in dire need of relief. The girls quickly put away all signs of their lesson and started chattering about some new movie. There was a light knock on the door a few minutes later. Edward walked into the room and pulled Bella close to his side.

"Hey, ladies. We've got Chinese takeout down stairs. You might want to get some before Emmett finds out and there isn't much left," Edward teased.

The four of them left the room giggling. I waited a few minutes to ensure that everyone was downstairs before I exited Alice's closet. Luckily I had calmed down a bit and was able to join the family downstairs.

I passed Edward and Bella on the stairs. They were obviously on their way up to their room to have a private dinner. I wondered if Bella would put her newfound skills to work tonight. I smirked as I passed them. Edward gave me a questioning look. I shook my head and chuckled as I continued my trek downstairs.

I finally made it to the kitchen and went straight for the fridge. I was in desperate need of a nice cold beer. I took one look in the fridge and froze. There was a produce bag full of cucumbers and carrots sitting on the top shelf. I felt myself instantly get hard as a rock. Would I ever be able to look at cucumbers and carrots without getting hard again?