Title: Melancholy Thoughts
Authur & Email: DC James/Kura Okamiko (x . dcjames . x gmail . com) (remove the spaces)
Archived: DC James' Hideout (kuraokamiko . wishing-blue . net) (remove the spaces)
Fandom: X (X/1999)
Type: One-shot POV Sonfic
Warnings: POV, shounen ai, angst, depressing, songfic, some spoilers, sap, maybe some waff at the end.
Summary: Kamui goes out in the rain to think to himself, and runs into Subaru.
Pairing: Kamui+Subaru, mention of Subaru+Seiishirou (Sakurazukamori)
Written On: 24 October 2001
Edited On: 11 September 2006
C&C is welcomed privately.
All rights and privileges to X belong to CLAMP, Kadokawa Shoten/Bandai Visual, Marubeni Corporation, Shelty Co., Sega Enterprises, Victor Entertainment, and associated parties. The characters of this series are used without permission for entertainment only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.
The song, 'Moment's Like This', is copyrighted to Alison Krauss and her band and others who helped in the production and creation of the song. Also used without permission for the purpose of entertainment with the story.
(words) Actions within Speech
words Exaggerated Words
I don't know why I still try. Maybe it's just some selfish persuit of mine to find a reason to live, even if it does no one any good. They put so much faith in me; my allies. Could I really let them down? I most likely already have. So weak and useless. I can't even kill my twin star. I can't protect them when they're hurt. I don't believe that they should get hurt to protect me. I'm not worth lives. Why did this have to happen?
I stand here now, the rain pounding over my head. It felt fitting, so me. Always lost in the rain, knowing there are others out there ready to help me, but do I accept? I shouldn't, everyone I care for get's hurt at the least. At the most, killed. I should, because it's what they expect and I don't like to disappoint. I lower my head to the ground, melancholy enveloping my feelings. I'm no fighter, just look at me. Would you see the power of God in this body? Power of God, how amusing. I smirk to myself, because if there was a God, why would he hand down this fate to creatures such as humans? Because we are the most intelligent dominate species? I don't know what to believe anymore. With a sigh, I turn my face heavenward, watching the cool drops of rain descend to earth, like millions of fallen angels.
I should have been more prepared. I should have been taught what to do with my burden. Heh, I don't even know what to call it anymore; burden, gift, blessing, curse. It makes no difference to me, they all represent the same thing. I don't even want to think about it. Turning my head back to the direction I had walked from, I realize I probably should head back soon, or the others would get worried. I frown, wanting-needing-to stay away just a little longer. I'm so tired of their concerned expressions, their varying ways of trying to cheer me up or bring me out of my shell. I know they mean well, but I rather just be alone right now.
It's no secret I miss Subaru.
I understand his reasons and explanations, and I know it's as clinging and selfish as hell, but I need him around me. I have no one else but the Seals. Even if he has nothing to offer but his presence, that's enough. Knowing he's out here, wandering, alone. I'm no fool, just a child. Yet I am mature enough to know that with his... I hate to say this, but weakened state, he is made an easy target. Even if he doesn't see himself as a Seal anymore, he's still a target that Fuuma can use to affect me more. And what's worse, he knows it will affect me more than any of the others.
I swallow, my chest tightening at the thought of Fuuma catching Subaru unprepared. You can't escape fate, Subaru. I've tried, and you've seen what happened. I know you've tried also and know the consequences. Why do you still run? Are you afraid of something? Do you think I'm so cruel as to use you until you have no purpose on the battlefield and then toss you asside? Damn this conflict I'm having.
Subaru is gone. I should let him be to find his wish, to find his purpose. I should let him go, concentrate on saving humanity. I lean my back to the soaked side of the closed building I'm in front of. Is humanity worth saving? We've done nothing but pollute with our mind and our offspring, and destroyed the earth. I only chose to save Fuuma and Kotori. But they're gone. Then the Seals--my friends. Mostly Subaru. Is... is it worth fighting for the cause now that I have no reason to? When I see children with their parents, I feel nothing but jealousy, and regret.
Could I do that to children, or anybody? Take away their loved ones by not even trying? Maybe that's why all those closed to me are hurt. I'm not trying hard enough. But I'm doing my--no. I narrow my eyebrows, jaw tightening. I am not doing my best, not even close to it. I can be stronger than this, but something holds me back. Fuuma? I hate him, but I still love him as my best friend. Could I really kill him when the time comes? I may have the bark and the power to back it up, but could I really react as I've so often threatened?
The sudden loss of the rain plummelling on my head shakens me out of my brooding mood. Looking up, I meet the underpart of a black umbrella. :Who...: Turning, My eyes widen in surprise, worriment, and fear. Subaru stares back at me, a small scowl on the corner of his lips.
"What are you doing out here like this?"
Normally, if it was someone else, I would have a hot reply ready to spill from my lips. But this is Subaru. The same Subaru I... I stop myself right there. He refuses to be any part of this or to return, so I shouldn't even bring it up in thoughts. He clears his throat, and I realize he's waiting for my answer. "I needed a walk." It sounds lame, even to my ears, and I know it wasn't convincing. I quickly change the subject, "How are you?" Dumb question, Kamui.
He shrugged, not answering my question verbally. I know he couldn't really. "I'm not coming back."
"I know." I answer softly. "I'm not here to bring you back." I hear the defeat in my voice and quickly added on "Can't a guy come out here to think?"
"In the rain. In your school uniform. With no other protection." Subaru scolds me, green eye hardening with annoyance, the milky one as expressionless as the face can be.
I don't care to reply to that accusation. He lets out a breath of air, shaking his head at me. "Go back to the others. The last thing they need is their Kamui to catch a cold."
"Their Kamui." I whisper to myself. Is the distance between us that gaped that he only refers to me as a possession of someone elses? What else could I have expected. I never stood a chance with Subaru, his obession with Sakurazukamori made that perfectly clear. I nod my head to him, keeping my eyes averted. "You... you be careful. Take care of yourself."
I turn to walk away and he stops me with words. "Kamui..." I turn my head, showing I was listening. He seems to hesitate, as though he doesn't even know why he spoke. Finally, he shook his head, "You too."
Last goodbye. At least this time it was less emotional on the external view. I nod my head, and I made the mistake of glancing to his emerald and milky eye. I didn't expect to see anything in there, he's very guarded, now even against me. But this will be the last time I probably ever get to look at the eyes to this beautiful soul. I turn on my heel, wrapping an arm around his neck to catch him. His eyes widen in surprise as I reach up and kiss him.
It was a deathwish, a damnable act to Subaru, but if I die tomorrow, I want to do so with one less regret. I'll be upset, but I won't regret this act. I release him after moments of that tainted innocent kiss, just lips over lips. He stares at me in disbelief and shock, and I know his reaction would be bad. Before I can give him a chance to recover, I begin to bolt. I don't want to be there to hear him say the words that will crush me. I don't want to see the anger that will be forever attached to my name in his memory.
A strong, scarred hand grips my cold wrist, holding tightly so I jerk back when not allowed to go farther. Here it comes, I know it's going to be very bad. He spins me around, and, with apologies already spilling from my lips, I grimace, wondering if he'll get physical. He does.
He kisses me back.
My mind was suddenly silent of all thoughts as it slowly processed the fact that Subaru was kissing me. It felt so similar to my own; soft, light, gentle, so fleetingly short. He begins to pull away and I respond by tilting my head and following him, never letting his lips part from mine. He stops trying to leave, and brings his free hand up to my cheek, cupping it as the other still held my wrist prisoner between us, the umbrella forgotten on the ground.
If we didn't have to breathe, we probably wouldn't have let each other go. I don't know about him, but I wanted that moment to freeze, to never end as cliché as that sounds. He stares at me, eyes unreadable, and I stare back with all hope and love in my gaze. He drops his forehead against mine, eyes half lidding. "I won't return. I'm not part of the war anymore."
I understand that, I've understood it for a while now. I didn't want to nod, to lose the feel of his body heat against my forehead. "I know. I... I understand and forgive you for your choice, Subaru. It's your choice, not mine or the other's. But I can't leave this battle."
"Even if you want to." I affirm his statement. He smirks with no humor behind it, only bitterment. "I thought so."
He pulls away :Don't go...: and picks up his umbrella, though by now we're thoroughly soaked. He looks at me one last time, smirk fading into a serious look. He doesn't know what to say. Neither do I really. He averts his eyes to the ground, and appears suddenly uncomfortable. "Good luck... Kamui."
He starts to walk away. My head snapped up, eyes wide. "Subaru!"
He pauses, back still faced to me. Biting my lower lip, I shivver, finally realizing how cold it is in this weather. "Subaru." I smile to myself, knowing he doesn't see it, "I will be with you. Afterwards."
There is a minute silence between us, a motionless tableau with rain and thunder. I hear him over the roar of the downpour. "Afterwards, then."
I watch him walk off, hope making the doubts and fears fade away. Just watch, Subaru. I'll get stronger. Knowing we'll be together again, I'll fight. If I can't defeat Fuuma, I have friends, my allies, to help. We'll win, Subaru. And if we don't, there's always heaven or hell. At least we'll have each other for company.
A/N: Ok, truthfully, I didn't get past manga 7 when I wrote this. I know, stupid of me, but from reading a lot of fanfics (bad resource to base on part of the plotline), and bits and pieces from Asuka (thanks to a wonderful, selfless donator, even if it is just for a few minutes), I'm taking a shot in the dark. If you're familiar with Dreams of Sakura's work (who isn't?), then odds are good you know where this story line was strongly influenced. If I'm totally off the marker, so sue me, that makes it an alternate universe. Yosh? Great.