If you are…
AN: This has been lurking on my old hard drive and I found it recently and decided it would be a good ficlet. Mac's POV but the idea could work both ways.
"I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you, very simply, very truly. You're the epitome of everything I've ever looked for in another human being... and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can't take this anymore, I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are..."
So here's the thing. A decision has to be made. Are you my brother? Are you my best friend? Are you something besides these things? Cause I need to know. I need to have it stated in black and white.
If you are my brother, I love you. I love how you are there to be my rock, my protector, the one I run to when things aren't going great and I know that you will help, because you're my brother, and that's what brothers do. We can fight and disagree, but at the end of the day we're still there for each other. But you once said you don't think of me like a sister.
If you are my best friend, then I love you. I love that I can completely and utterly be myself around you. There is no persona, nothing fake, just me being gross me. And you don't hold back. We say what we need to say, even if it's not exactly alike and we will hash it out. You keep me on my toes. And when I am bored and lonely, you are there. I love that we can sit in silence and still have that be a great conversation. Talking about trivial stuff does not mean our friendship is trivial, it just means that a lot of the big things don't need to be said, they are already known. Just by looking across a room we can tell what the other is feeling and what they need and we know what to do without having to ask. That's special. Something that I never want to lose. Something that I couldn't live without.
So that brings me to another thing. If you are something besides the other two things, then I love you. I look to you to fill that hole in my heart. I look to you to complete me. I know that loving you will teach me what love really is. I love you to the ends of the earth (literally) and would do anything for you.
Which also includes sitting back and watching you love someone else. Because I know you don't see me as one of those girls. I know the others are prettier and funnier and better people. But I would love a chance. I would love to be the one. I want your voice to be the last one I hear before bed; I want your arms to be the ones that erase all the cares of the world; and I want your heart to love a broken me.
I don't know why this is so bad now. I don't know why it breaks my heart and makes me sick every time I see you with another person. Last time was fine, but now I can't fathom surviving this. I can't lose my brother, or my best friend, or whatever else you may be.
Since the last time I have gotten used to you being there all the time. You are the one who I always answer the phone for. You are the one whose IM window never closes. You are the one that I share all of those jokes and not so funny things with. You are the one that I can have a conversation with without words.
People always say it. That we are dating and don't know it. That you are the love of my life. And that's what scares me. What if you are the love of my life and this is it? Is this all I get? What if I have to watch the love of my life move on and be with someone else? And not be able to tell my best friend about it. And not be able to run to my brother for protection.
I can't imagine feeling the way I do about you for another person. I don't think its possible. You have achieved very few can, you can make this broken heart love.
And the thing is I'm terrified. I am afraid to act because I am afraid of losing the most important person in my life right now. I am afraid of how I will act seeing you with someone else and being there to hear all about it, being the constant, asexual, one-of-the-guys, type of friend. Just promise me that one day, when you are engaged, and I am alone and at a breaking point, that you won't tell me you once loved me or we could have had a chance. If you do, ever have, and might ever love me, tell me before it gets to that point.
In a world where I feel alone in a crowded room, you are my companion. The one whose entrance into a room makes the room change color, temperature, light instantly and comes over to talk to and ground that lonely newcomer all over again. If you are there then I never feel alone.
But things have changed with us. We didn't even really talk for a while. And a part of me died inside. But it also made me realize that so much of loving you was what I get in return. I will survive without you, I just don't want to. I will give so much of myself that there will be nothing left, but I don't think I should have to.
Honestly, I deserve better than this. I deserve better from you. We used to be close, what happened? What did I do wrong? I at least deserve walking together to and from the courtroom or an honest answer to what you are doing. I don't need to always be there. I would love to, but I don't have to. You can have other friends and that is OK. I don't know if you are excluding me because of something I did, or because you like someone and it is too awkward having me be around. If I was replaced, maybe it is because I know you too well and that scares you and you don't want that.
Either way, tell me. Just a simple I need space or whatever is fine. But don't leave me guessing. Don't leave me thinking the worst. Don't leave me crying. Because I deserve better than that, I deserve better from you.
I think you have been trying harder to be around recently, but there is still a distance. You are still holding me at arms length. I only get bits and pieces of the story. It is just confusing. Before I would know the time you woke up, what you ate, what you thought, anything and everything. And that was all taken away from me so quickly. Now I get bits and pieces of the story and find out the rest from other people. When they are asking me about it, like I should know.
And that's the thing, I should know. And people always will assume that I will. We are kind of a pair you and me. People see us that way and I honestly think that that is why I am left right here with you. Besides most of the world either thinking we are secretly dating or at least friends with benefits, all of the others tell me that I should marry you. What is the office pool up to now?
They say that we are soul mates, that you are the love of my life. And you know what? After hearing that so often, I started to believe it. I started to think that we were just being slow. But, let's face it, time isn't on our side anymore. This is it, our last chance. And I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about what if and I am tired of listening to everyone tell me this. Because the only person that I want to hear it from is you. I trust you completely, I always have. So, decide. Here it all is, everything and anything that I think about us. Tell me what you want. Tell me what I feel even. Because I don't know what I feel anymore.
Am I mistaking a once great friendship for something more? Am I just playing into all of the talk that is surrounding me? And, if this is something, I really don't think it's just a crush. It's kind of at the "all or nothing" point.
All I am asking, is that, somehow, in your own way, you love me. Find something, any one little thing that is good about me and love that. I am not asking you to marry me or drop your life for me, just find it in your heart to love a piece of me so that I can sleep at night. So I can wake up in the morning and actually breathe.
That's you. I have to answer it. No matter how much I don't want to want to, I have to. Maybe I will get the courage to actually say these things to you tonight.
Maybe I can finally tell you I love you and I don't want anyone else. Deep Breath. Exhale. Hopefully you can't hear my racing heart.