Teacups and Flower Pots
First Ash-Dad oneshot I've done since November. It's been a long time - almost lost my touch - and then after reading Wolfy-chan's story about the Trio of Bizarre doing Giovanni's grocery shopping, I was inspired to make Giovanni have a nervous breakdown over something so bizarre. (Thanks, Wolfy - you own. X3)
So I don't own Pokemon, or all their bases would belong to me and the world would be composed of seventy-five percent green Jolly Ranchers. :D
" You killed him. "
" Killed who ? "
" Muggie. "
".....The teacup ?! "
" Yes, the teacup ! "
Giovanni swatted the other flowery teacup to the floor, shattering the glass utensil into millions of tiny pieces. He glowered - first at the black-haired doofus with an unkempt jungle of hair from years of wearing a hat twenty hours of day, otherwise known as his son, Ash - and then at the seven, bright scarlet pieces that had once made up his prized teacup, known as Muggie. Not many people fussed over such a trivial thing like a teacup, but Giovanni, who had the temper of a frustrated former president, was not the ideal person to do a Lucky Charms commercial, because he was 'magically insane'.
So what does the ebil leader of Team Rocket do when his fourteen-year-old son breaks his most cherished utensil ?
" Ash ! I can't believe you broke my flippin' teacup ! " the man exclaimed, furrowing his eyebrows. " Your mother reluctantly asked me to babysit you while she went to that lame-o place Hobby Lobby, and I gladly take one day off of my extremely busy schedule so that you could insult my good graciousness, depress Persian, and kill my best friend and utensil ! "
Ash gave a blank stare, causing quivering sweatdrops before responding. "....You only liked that teacup because Mom gave it to you for not hurting Mr. Hale for calling you a sad-sack of a pansy. "
Silence consumed the kitchen. Giovanni's right eye twitched. His other eye glared at Ash. " You kids and your routine comedy shows that are on the Internet are starting to piss me off, " he growled.
" Uh-huh. The Internet is the way to go. Get with the times, Dad. " The boy smirked almost evilly, bringing back the quivering sweatdrops. " It's also a very good excuse for covering up your tasty crush on Mom, Mr. Madman."
" SHUDDUP ! " Mr. Madman threw the table across the room and then violently threw the chairs at the refrigerator for no logical reason. He shook his fist at Ash, taking out a couple of broken-up colored pencils from one of his pants pockets. " EVIL CHILD ! CRAYOLA REPELS YOU ! "
" Just like Mom repels you ? "
" Shi- "
" MOTHE- NOT AGAIN ! CUPSTON, NOOOOOOOO ! "
A sky-blue teapot laid in several pieces across the floor. Rapidly changing the morbid scene into a fury-filled one, Giovanni sadly picked up the remains of Teacup Number Two, Cupston.
He placed the teacup on top of the spice shelf before pointing his finger at the auburn-haired boy who was sitting in a chair next to Ash and whistling innocently. " You ! " the eldest man spat. " I knew that all of my son's little friends were creepy-crawlies that force me to drag Persian to the vet twice a week ! Why, oh, why did I allow him to invite one of his retarded little friends to my house, especially Oaky of all people ?! He made my property value go down by just walking in my house casually with his black, polyester pants and spiky hair that looks like Godzilla ! And now I've had two casualties in one day, and with two of my favorite teacups ! "
Gary crossed his arms, glaring at Ash. " Mr. K, as much as I would love to argue and say that my hairstyle is the most kick-ass one in Pallet Town, and then retaliate by saying that your hair could hold a tub of strawberry jelly, your son's a total jack-ass, and that Ashy-boy's mom will never bake snickerdoodles for you, no matter how much you pout and beg, which is probably the most hilarious thing that I will encounter in Kanto, I have rights to protect. Ash broke your teacup while you went to the bathroom. There's a piece right in front of him. "
i.i " Please tell me that Oak is lying....."
Ash patted his father on the back. " Nope. Knuckleheaded boy killed lame teacup. Guilty. "
The black-haired boy stumbled from the attack on the head by a giant Oreo cookie that had appeared from nowhere. Gary sweatdropped. " Yeah....I'm gonna leave...."
" DAD ! KEEBLER OWNS ALL ! " Ash cried, throwing a neon-green teacup with 'I Heart Antiques Roadshow' printed across the bottom at his father. Oblivious to the blood that was now trickling down his cheek, Giovanni gasped in horror. " You....killed.....Sprinkles...." he said breathlessly, anger levels rising dramatically.
" STOP NAMING ALL OF YOUR DAMN TEACUPS ! " Ash retorted back, shaking the handle of Sprinkles.
" N- NEVER ! "
o.o " Dude, what the hell happened to you ? "
There were red marks. There were scratch marks. There were even....brown marks ?
Ash rubbed a brown mark that was slapped on his forehead. He chuckled, attempting to ease the tension that was between him and Gary. " Oh. Dad hit me in the face with a giant Oreo that originated from a Walmart commercial after I killed Sprinkles. "
Gary scratched his head, sweatdrops forming behind him. " Uh, who's Sprinkles ? "
" Teacup Number Three. "
".....Your dad has serious issues. I think he should get neutered. "
" Me too. "
Ash stood up from the folding chair where he was sitting. He yawned loudly before yanking open the screen door of the Oak's front door. " Well, I gotta get home, " he mumbled, fixing the hat on his head. " I promised Pikachu to have a competition on who can eat the most Legos without having their stomach pumped. "
o.o " Yeah....."
" See ya tomorrow for the shopping cart extravaganza ! "
Skipping across the grassy land stupidly and gawking at all of the annoying weeds that were growing everywhere, it took about twenty minutes for Ash to get to his home and yank his own screen door open.
" Moooom ! I'm home from eating all of Gary's Goldfish crackers ! I hope you're not exercising or anything like that, because last week I was so scared to use the bathroom while you were working out in the living room that I peed in my pants an- and what the hell are you doing here ?! "
Giovanni stifled a snicker, failing quite successfully. " I get to destroy you, son, " he said in a sinister tone. " You must pay for the demise of Muggie, Cupston, and Sprinkles. And so, I have brought a stick from my back yard to poke you with and make you itch with splinters, because I'm evil. "
" Uh, how is that supposed to make me pay ? " Ash asked, resuming his blank stare from the previous day.
" I dunno. James suggested it to me. He has half of a brain, so I listen to him the most out of the nincompoops. "
Ash sweatdropped. "....So....why are you here again, Dad ? "
" To be annoyin- ouch. "
Delia hit the stick-holding man in the head with a turner, causing him to fall to the ground. She smiled coolly at Ash, a hint of frustration under the jolly. " He came for family fun with you, sweetie, " she stated in her perky tone, though it sounded like Vikings were about to crash into her property and smash her flowerbeds. " You two are going to a community center today. "
" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! "
Ash groaned. Sitting in a metal folding chair, he eyed his surroundings with depression. Nothing but chairs and tables filled with creative materials. " This sucks. Who goes to a flippin' community center anymore ? "
He sighed. " Why are you here, Paul ? "
Paul gave his usual cold glance towards Ash before crossing his arms. " It doesn't matter. I don't want to be here. "
" So...why are you here ? "
" I fled through my bedroom window to avoid the Family Game Night that is enforced by stupid Reggie and bumped into Mr. Daddy, who dragged me to his gotdamn Volvo for an unexpected road-trip ! " Paul snapped. " So I was stuck with my dad in a car that drove on bumpy roads and rusty railroad tracks for forty-eight hours straight without any food or water, and all I got was a f--king t-shirt ! "
Cyrus expressed no emotion on his face, though he turned to Paul and sighed. " I came to examine the wiring that hooks up this community center, not because I wanted to spend time with you, Paul. I just believe that in time, you and I shall share the same goals for total destruction of the world so that I can be treated like a god and set Celebi on fire. Reggie is an odd person, though, because he wears aprons. No son of mine shall drive in technology wearing an apron. "
(Ash) O.o " Aren't you twenty-seven, Mr. Cyrus, Sir ? "
" Yes, young man who I had hoped that I would never see on the face of this planet again, " Cyrus replied in his monotone voice.
" And....Reggie's seventeen....."
" Yes. "
" Not this topic again, " Paul grumbled under his breath, placing his head into his hands.
o.o " So....you had Reggie....when you were ten ?! "
Cyrus shrugged. " I don't know why people make such fuss over frivolous things. I am a very distant person who prefers the company of a hand-held video game or a robot. I don't express myself. I suppose that's why ladies have such peculiar feelings over me. Arousement of the female sex is a mystery to those who've only done the reproduction method because they were told that they would get a captive Giratina, which was a lie. I wanted my Skorupi to eat Reggie when he was a baby, so it could be counted as a sacrifice, which I could inform the laptops on, but alas, the Officer Jennys interfered. Ah, and then there was that day in '94. Reggie ingested several nickels."
" Ash, what the hell are you doing, listening to this noncomformist weirdo ?! " Giovanni demanded, pulling the sweatdropping boy away from the emo boy and his expressionless father who started on how everyone was a pawn of chess and must be sacrificed for the greater good (high-speed Internet). " The teacher's in the room already, and we can't be chatting all afternoon with Mr. Psycho ! "
O.O " Yeah, let's get a seat far, far away......"
" Huh ? "
" S'GO ! " Ash hissed, practically shoving his father forward before Cyrus began ranting about how technology is supposedly superior to air.
" All righty, then ! Now that I've done a demo on it, it's time to start making your own teacup ! I'll check progress in twenty minutes ! "
The teacher walked away from the front of the room and resumed reading a spicy novel. While everyone else started on their cups, Ash and Giovanni exchanged a rare look of utter bewilderment.
" Ah, crap. I spaced out, " the older man murmured, sweatdropping.
" So did I, " Ash mumbled, also sweatdropping.
Giovanni groaned. " What the hell do we do ? "
" 'We' ?! You were the one who got us into this flipping mess ! " Ash growled, glaring at the older man. " If you wouldn't have told Mom about your stupid teacups and dragged us here to this stupid community center, we wouldn't be in this giant pile of crap in the first place ! "
" Well, you shouldn't have broken Muggie in the first place ! "
Ash slapped a hand to his forehead. " Don't bring this subject up again ! Forget about the teacup ! We have more important things to worry about than a flippin' teacup ! " He ran his fingers through his hair. " Now, Dad, did you listen to any words that came out of the teacher's mouth in the last twenty minutes ? "
" Uh...I started to, but then I thought that you would listen, so I zoned into my fantasies of ruling the world like a horrible dad should. "
" So...what should we do ? "
" I dunno. Burn the teacher ? "
" NO ! Let's just do something to make this clay look like a teacup, and then we will be outta trou- "
" Can I name the teacup ? "
" .......Just shut up, Dad. "
-blink- " What....the hell is that ? "
The teacher pointed shakily at the gloppy piece of clay that seemed to spread out from the table into all directions like a giant Tentacruel's tentacles. Patting his now-emo-looking son, Giovanni gave a grin that seemed to mean the end of the world for all humanity. " Its name is Pistachio, " he happily said, sending shivers down the teacher's spine for some reason. " Isn't he wonderful ? "
" ....No. "
Giovanni furrowed his eyebrows. " What the hell is wrong with it ?! " he demanded. " You told my son and me to make a teacup, and we made a teacup ! "
" Uh, Dad, maybe you should stop while you're two steps behind...."
" Nah, I wanna be one step behind. It's part of the evil dad's curriculum. "
" So, Teacher Man-Lady, isn't Pistachio wonderful ? "
" NO ! IT'S CLAY GONE PLAY-DOH ! " the teacher snapped, whacking Pistacho with a pointer thingie. " I've never saw anything more grotesque in my life ! "
" NOOOOOO ! PISTACHIO, YOU'VE BEEN INSUUULTEEEED ! "
Everyone (excluding Cyrus) sweatdropped. Ash turned to his teacher and chuckled nervously. " I'm sorry. He hasn't had his evening licorice. He's generally crazy like this...."
" SPLAAAAAAARGEEEEEEIIII ! PISTACHIOOOOOOOOOOO ! "
(Ash) " o.o "
After shouting for ten minutes at Giovanni, the teacher plopped into the chair, exhausted. " Okay, " the teacher mumbled, pressing a hot washcloth against the forehead. " Your final task in this community center tonight was supposed to paint your teacups with daisy decorations. However, realizing that you might not be mentally capable of even that, I decided that your teacups shall be now known as flower pots. Class dismissed. "
Everyone stood up from their chairs and rushed through the door except for Giovanni, who looked horrified to the max, and Ash, who sensed something horrendous was about to happen.
The teacher glanced at Giovanni and sweatdropped. " Hey, I said class was over. "
" I'M NOT USING MY PISTACHIO AS A FLOWER POT ! "
Ash's jaw dropped. The teacher stood up from the chair and took it into massive hands. With a clunk, the chair was slammed into Giovanni's head. " How dare you question my authority ?! " the teacher growled, shaking a bony fist.
" IT TW'RNT NO FLOWER POT ! "
" YEAH, IT IS ! "
" NUH-UH ! YOUR PONG IS A FLOWER POT ! "
-gasp- " You...effin'....bastard. "
Giovanni grinned. " Yeah, " he said, picking up the table. " I know who you are....but what am I ? "
" Giovanni, that is not a teacup. "
Ash snickered. The older man winced. " Oh, God. First names. "
" It's okay, Dad. Mom'll probably lie to you and say it's mediocre enough to be used as a teacup. "
" You're right ! And maybe we could go back to the community center next wee- "
" NO ! "
" What ? "
" YOU TAKE MOM TO THE COMMUNITY CENTER ! WE'RE THROUGH ! "
" What, just because I hurt the teacher with a metallic table ? "
T.T " I hate you, Dad. "
Ash stomped off into the other direction, leaving Giovanni with yet another casualty. " I HATE YOU, TOO ! I HAAAAAAATE YOU TOOOOOOOOO ! "