Author's Notes: OK, so I know that this idea is completely crazy, but it wouldn't leave me alone. Just realize…this is what happens when I watch way too much Ouran and TotA (I swear, these two anime keep appearing in my dreams).
WARNING: Contains at least 75% pure Columbian crack. Also, contains mild spoilers for Ouran High School Host Club (anime) and Tales of the Abyss.
TALES OF THE OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB'S ABYSS
If Tamaki had more room in his brain for practical knowledge rather than the customary roses and fluff that usually occupied it, he wouldn't have chosen to be in Kyouya's room at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.
Kyouya was face down in the bed, unmoving. Those who didn't know him well would have supposed he was dead, but every few seconds, the lump under the covers would breathe. Tamaki climbed up onto the bed and started shaking the lump by his shoulders.
"Kyouya, wake up," he said cheerfully. "I need to ask you about the orders of tea we made; I think I left off a page off the order form…" He paused as Kyouya rolled over and fixed a groggy yet piercing eye on Tamaki.
"No," he replied curtly, then rolled back over with a small groan. "Ugh…my stomach…"
"Kyouya?" Tamaki said, concerned. "Kyouya, are you all right?"
"Yes, just go away already," Kyouya growled before groaning again. "Move."
Tamaki jumped out of the way as Kyouya wobbled out of bed and ran for the nearest bathroom. Tamaki stared blankly after him before the sound of Kyouya's retching hit him.
Five minutes later, Kyouya was back in bed, a cool washcloth on his head. Tamaki stood nearby, worrying over his friend; a maid had just taken his temperature.
"40 degrees," the maid chirped. "You need to stay in bed, young master."
"Ah! Kyouya," Tamaki cried, flustered. "Who's going to be our cool type for the Host Club tomorrow? We were going to do policemen cosplay this Monday! We need a cool type! Kyouya!"
By then, Kyouya was extraordinarily tired with a raging fever and stomach flu, and he was not going to put up with Tamaki now.
"Get the hell out of my room!" Kyouya shouted. "I don't care about your stupid cosplay; just let me sleep!" He then fell back onto the pillows and sank into a deep sleep.
Tamaki stopped cowering against the wall and crept towards Kyouya, listening for the ragged breathing that proved he was sleeping.
"Kyouya?" Tamaki called softly. He didn't stir. Tamaki then moved away from the bed and went over to Kyouya's notebook.
"Cool type…cool type…" Tamaki mumbled, flipping through Kyouya's extensive notes on everyone he knew. Eventually, Tamaki found an interesting picture.
"Ho~? Tamaki said in interest. He quickly copied the information and put it in his pocket. He needed to contact this person and check his availability for tomorrow.
The Next Day
Haruhi showed up slightly late for club preparations; she'd had to ask a question after class.
"Tamaki-sempai," she called, "sorry I'm late."
"Ah, no worries, Haruhi," Tamaki said happily. "Just hurry up and put on your costume."
"Uh, OK," she said. Honey and Mori were already wearing their costumes, which Honey was certain to get crumbs all over. Hikaru and Kaoru had been changing; they'd tried to get Haruhi to join them, but she'd hit them over the head and refused.
After a while, she came out, policeman costume on.
"By the way," she asked to no one in particular, "where's Kyouya-sempai?"
"Ha ha ha" came a very distinctive laugh from the corner.
"Eh?" Haruhi stared. "Who are you?"
The man stood up and pushed his glasses up with a gloved finger.
"I am Jade Curtiss, an old business partner of the Ootori family," he said, smiling. "I'll be filling in for Kyouya-kun today."
Haruhi stepped back; this guy had the exact same creepy smile that Kyouya usually had.
"Um…aren't you a little old to be in high school?" Haruhi asked.
"I'm thirty-five," Jade replied. "Tamaki-kun wanted a cool, mature type today, and so I am here." He leaned towards Haruhi. "I am a cool and mature type, wouldn't you agree?"
Haruhi backed away slowly.
"Sure," she reluctantly agreed.
"Ah, Jade!" Tamaki said, rushing over to him. "You'll only have a few customers today, but I'm sure you'll be able to handle them well. Kyouya usually doesn't talk much; it's his presence that the ladies love most."
"Understood," Jade replied. "I'll do my best."
When the Host Club opened, no one could have foreseen how smoothly the first hour went. Honey-sempai never ran out of cake; the twins were able to create multiple excuses for the "brotherly love" routine, and Tamaki was as charming and popular as ever. Surprisingly enough, Jade had also acquired quite a bit of interest. Girls were swooning over his hair, his height, his glasses…
"Tamaki-sempai," Haruhi asked. "Don't you think it's a little strange that the girls are going crazy over someone over twice their age?"
Before Tamaki could answer, the door to the third music room burst open.
"Jade!" a red-headed man cried. Everyone turned to look.
"Who…" Haruhi started, but then five others tramped in behind him.
"There you are, Colonel; we've been looking for you," a small girl said.
"C-colonel?!" the Host Club exclaimed in unison.
"It's a nickname," Jade explained a little too quickly.
"What is this place?" a blond man wondered, staring at all the lavish settings. He moved over to pick up one of the tea cups.
"Just stop right there!" Tamaki ordered; all the intruders froze. "This is the Ouran High School Host Club, and we demand to know who is interrupting our meeting!"
Quickly, the gang introduced themselves.
"I'm Luke fon Fabre," the redhead said. "This is my assistant, Guy." Tear, Natalia, Anise, and Ion introduced themselves as well.
"We're friends of Jade," Guy said. "We all work in the same office building."
"Oh, dear," Jade sighed. "I thought I told you not to follow me here; I have important business to attend to…"
"And apparently, that business involves flirting with lots of beautiful girls," Anise said teasingly. A few of the girls sitting near Jade blushed and giggled. Tear frowned.
"Well," Tamaki said jovially, realizing none of them were threatening his club, "why don't you spend the day here?" He cupped Natalia's chin. "I would love to get to know you better, Natalia-hime."
Natalia's face turned purple.
Before long, Ion and Anise had gravitated towards Honey and Mori; Anise and Honey were soon inseparable, especially when Honey shared some cake with her. The girls didn't seem to mind; they were plenty fascinated with Ion.
"He's just so cute!" they kept squealing, while Mori kept a protective watch over the smaller boy. Ion reminded him a bit of Mitsukuni...
Tear, meanwhile, started at Honey's Usa-chan, a faint blush over her cheeks.
"K-kawaii," she whispered.
Guy ran past the couch where Natalia and Tamaki's usual customers were sitting spell-bound next to the "King." Guy was having a pretty hard time of it; every time a girl got close to him, he would run away—smack into another girl.
Luke, of course, thought the whole situation was ridiculously funny.
"Come on, Guy; any other man would kill to be surrounded by a bunch of beautiful women."
The twins popped up behind him.
"What's wrong with him?" Kaoru asked. "He doesn't seem to like women."
"Could it be," Hikaru said in an over-dramatic voice, "that he could be…"
"Gay?!" they finished together.
"Naw," Luke scoffed. "He just thinks girls are scary; he had a bad experience when he was young."
"Oh," the twins said, disappointed.
"You know," Luke said, "you twins don't just look alike; you act the same."
"Yeah; so what?" they replied in unison.
"Oh," Luke answered, "it's just that that my twin brother is completely different from me, and it's kind of funny seeing you guys act so similar."
"Oh, you have a twin brother?" one of the long-time "Brotherly Love" customers asked. "Do you sleep in the same bed?"
"Uh," Luke blushed. "No…we don't even share a room…"
At that moment, another man burst into the room; he looked exactly like Luke, except that his hair was a darker shade of red.
"Huh?" Hikaru said. "Is that your brother?"
"Asch!" Luke shouted, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask the same of you," Asch replied. "You left the office early; I should fire you for that!"
"A-asch!" Natalia suddenly jumped away from Tamaki. Asch looked over at her and sighed.
"Natalia…what are you doing here?" He blushed slightly, then turned back to Luke. "You had to drag everyone out with you, didn't you?"
"No!" Luke shouted back. "Everyone demanded to come along when the Colonel went missing."
Haruhi looked at Jade.
"I told you, it's a nickname," he replied happily. Haruhi wasn't sure whether or not to believe him.
Meanwhile, the "brotherly love" fans were going crazy over Luke and Asch's confrontation.
"It is impossible to reason with you, Luke," Asch spat. "Fine! I'll forgive your absence, but you're not getting paid today!" He started to walk out, then stopped and looked at Natalia.
"I thought you knew better than that," he said scornfully, then left the room in a huff; Natalia gaped for a minute, then ran after him, trying to explain herself.
"Keh…not that I really care," Luke said spitefully. Tear shook her head. Now that there weren't two attractive boys fighting, the fangirls instantly lost interest.
"What is with these girls?" Luke complained to Guy as he watched Hikaru clutch Kaoru in a tight embrace.
"You and Asch can barely stand being in the same room together for too long," Guy replied. "I can hardly imagine being you being that close…"
"My, my, everyone is so lively," Jade observed. "It's good to be so relaxed."
No sooner had he spoken those words than the doors of the third music room once again burst open. Everyone turned to look.
"Ah—" Jade started, but he was cut off by blood-curdling screams coming from Tamaki and the twins.
"A homo-homo supporting character!" they yelled, pointing at the new intruder.
Upon first observation, they appeared to be right; the man was wearing purple pants and lipstick and some sort of ridiculous pink flowery collar.
"I-I am NOT a supporting character!" the man, who was none other than Saphir Wyon Neis, more commonly known as Dist, shouted. "I'm one of the major villains!"
"I note that he doesn't deny the accusation of being homosexual…" Jade mused.
"Gi—!" Jade!" Dist yelled. "I won't forgive you for that prank you pulled last week."
"Now, now," Jade said in a mocking tone. "You really wouldn't want your nose to run now, not in front of all these important people."
Dist sniffed hard then looked around at his surroundings.
"Oh…" Dist mumbled. "I didn't…realize…" He blushed, realizing that every person in the room was staring at him.
"Saphir," Jade sighed before pushing Dist's head down in an apologetic bow.
"Ha ha ha! Please forgive my friend here; he doesn't know any better."
Haruhi sighed. What kind of relationship could those two possibly have?
Suddenly, Dist was surrounded by women. He shrank back; their stares were making him uncomfortable.
"W-what do you all want?" he snapped. The girls giggled.
"He's kind of cute, isn't he?" one of them said.
"Eh?!" Dist freaked out. "JADE! Save me!" He leapt towards Jade with outstretched arms, only for Jade to reach out and hold him out at arms' length away.
"No, thank you."
Suddenly, Guy, being chased by a new group of rabid fangirls, smashed into a table. Cake and tea flew everywhere; the twins grabbed trays and shielded themselves from the rain of debris. Mori grabbed Honey and Ion and swept them both off to safety.
Tamaki and Dist, however, each got a faceful of cake, causing both men to throw overdramatic fits.
"My beautiful face! Noooooo!" both men yelled simultaneously.
"Geh!" Dist raged as he wiped the cake off. "Jade, why ever did you come to this place?"
Tamaki, however, pointed a shaking finger at Guy.
"What do you think you're doing?" he shouted. "Why can't you attend to the ladies?"
"I…I'm sorry…I can't help it," Guy said, hanging his head. "I've had a fear of girls ever since I was a kid."
Why does everyone here have to tell his life story? Haruhi thought. Seriously, we never get anything done in this club…
"Tono," the twins sobbed. "Such a sad story!"
Indeed, the "King" had tears flowing down his cheeks.
"How sorrowful! A man who cannot ever feel the touch of a woman! My heart cries for him!" He grabbed Guy's hand.
"Yoshi! I now propose the start of Operation 'Help Guy Lose his Fear of Women!'"
Guy began sweating profusely.
"R-really, it's OK…you don't have to do this for me." He backed up, but tripped on a random banana peel. The twins leapt on him.
Within seconds, Guy was tied up with the twins happily pushing girls towards him. Guy struggled for a while, then passed out cold.
"Now that wasn't very nice," Jade remarked before going back to his tea.
The door to the third music room burst open for the fourth time.
"Seriously, already," Haruhi shouted. "Why do we keep the doors unlocked so that just anyone can come in?"
The person in the doorway just stayed silent. Everyone kept staring at him, wondering when he would make his move, when suddenly Tamaki let out a gasp.
Indeed, the bathrobe-wearing man in the doorway was Kyouya, who looked as though he was having trouble standing up. The entire room went silent; even the sound of cake and icing dripping off of Dist's face could be heard in that kind of quiet.
"Tamaki," Kyouya said in a voice that instantly chilled everyone who heard it, "who is sitting in my chair?"
Jade pushed his glasses up.
"I'm filling in for you, Kyouya-kun. Tamaki asked me because he thought I fit the cool type." He looked over his glasses, his red eyes serious. "Is there a problem?
Kyouya stared back just as intently.
"This is…my…club," he said bitterly. "I won't let some…stranger take over it." His strength gave out, and he collapsed onto the floor.
"Kyouya!" Tamaki shouted. "This is my club, and I needed someone here! It's not like the club can function without…" He paused.
"Kyouya, you don't think we replaced you, did you?" Kyouya didn't say anything, so Tamaki instantly began to worry. "Kyouya…were you sad?" He hugged the motionless man beside him. "Oh, Kyouya! We would never abandon you!" At that moment, Kyouya flopped over to reveal that he was dead asleep, probably after passing out from exhaustion.
After Kyouya had been put to bed on one of the couches (many of the customers had volunteered to watch over him), Tamaki and the others gathered around Jade and his friends to say goodbye.
"Anise-chan!" Honey cried. "I'm going to miss you." He gave Anise his address and told her to visit often. Anise nodded enthusiastically.
"Bye, Honey-sempai! Mori-sempai!" She giggled to herself at Mori's name; if things went her way, eventually he would be serving Anise too.
Ion and Mori were particularly sorry to separate; Mori had been giving the frail boy piggyback rides all day, but of course, Mori had Honey to distract him. Tear also was reluctant to say good-bye, but mostly, she was still very enamored with Honey's stuffed bunny. Luke eventually managed to pull her away.
"Well, I guess it is time that we were headed back," Jade observed. He grabbed Dist by the back of his collar. "I'll take this one back to the office with me."
"Jade! Let go of me!" Dist yelled, but Jade held on tight.
"Please excuse his rudeness," Jade said happily.
This guy… Haruhi thought. He's just like my dad sometimes… Then it hit her.
"Ah! Jade! Do you know my dad?" she asked.
"Hm?" He peered at her. "Your last name is Fujioka…"
"He goes by the name of Ranka," she stated.
Dist fell silent immediately.
"Ha ha ha," Jade laughed nervously. "Never met him. This guy, though," He pointed at Jade. "I believe he would know him very closely." He smiled wickedly. "Dist, isn't that the name of one of your co-workers at your part-time job?"
I thought so, Haruhi thought.
"Ah?" the twins said in unison. "This guy is a homo-homo then."
Tamaki just smiled as Luke and Guy shook hands with everyone, as Anise, Tear, and Ion waved goodbye, as Jade dragged a very angry Dist out of the room.
After the door shut, he walked over to Kyouya, who had just woken up from his nap.
"Where am I?" he asked in his still raspy voice.
"You're in the third music room," Tamaki told him. Right here where you belong.
More Notes: Awwww! The ending turned out so much cuter than I expected (and the whole thing about Dist working at the gay bar came to me out of nowhere). Tee hee! Hopefully, everyone just has fun with this story and doesn't take it too seriously.