Dear Mother, With Love
Chapter Three: Dear Mother, May I be your child?
"I have no positive proof that I can make you happy, but if I told you I love you… I can't help but wonder. Will you disappear?" – Ayame Sohma, Fruits Basket Vol. 19
That night, as I lay in my bed, I could feel my weight in the mattress, kind of pushing back against my back with a slightly uncomfortable force. My body was not really making much of an impression on the bed, even after two years of sleeping on the same bed. Above me, the ceiling of my room was being washed by the shadows of trees, the stars and moonlight creating an almost ethereal glow that clouded my room. Though this light was filtered by my window, it had nearly the same effect as the pure moonlight would from outside with the crisp air to smother my lungs. Around the source of the angelic brightness were twinkling spheres; they were only mirrors though, reflecting the moons shine, and making it only that much stronger.
In my mind, I was sure that my eyes also glimmered with the light in the sky. I had been in bed for nearly two hours at this point. I had watched the sunset, hoping for sleep to quickly take me under its wonderful spell. No such thing happened. As the moon and stars made their appearance, I had gotten tired, but remained awake. Being unable to sleep, I had recently given up on my falsely placed hope. The only thought occupying my mind was the last words of my letter.
'May I be your child?'
At first, I worried. Would she be offended at my somewhat rebellious request? If so, when she declined me, I was prepared to profusely apologize to her, and offer some kind of compensation for my silly, childish impulse. Then, the thought crossed my mind, what if she understood me, and accepted? I couldn't think of a single way to handle such an overwhelming situation.I decided quickly that I could only make a decision when the time came. My thoughts then drifted to the sky once more. As I looked at the sky, which held beauty beyond expression, I finally understood how Kyo could lay on the roof for hours at a time. Though, I knew, I preferred to stay in my bed, if given the choice.
However, I continued to think of how it would feel to experience this scene painted outside my window, only with the endless canvas of the world before me. Curiosity was getting the better of me, and soon I was whipping the blankets off my body, and finally ridding my bed of my weight. It groaned with relief, I ignored this though, as I made my way to the door. Sliding my door open, I stuck my head out a little to make sure everyone was sleeping still. Getting my confirmation from the almost eerie silence of the hall, I stepped out of my room and headed downstairs. I was unsure of how Kyo made it up so high, but the only way up there, which I knew of, was the ladder in the backyard. I was sure, that he had never even seen that route. For the only times he goes outdoors is to either get to school, or go to his special place on the roof.
This was his special place.
The roof was Kyo's special place. What right did I, the one he has hated for our entire lives, have to invade the one place he could be himself in this house. Even I had a place like that. Out in the forest we lived around was my garden. The thrill it gave me to see my plants grow, to give life to something, I imagine it's the same for Kyo. I was just behind the sliding door that separated me from the outside, gazing up at the stars and their misty glow.
What's the harm of one trip?
This thought took over all my functions the second I thought it. And in an instant I was on the other side of the door, and searching for the ladder. The dark figure, illuminated by the lighted darkness of the sky, stood out like a sore thumb against the lighter colored house. I walked up to the dark ladder, which was not much taller than our house, and began the climb. As each of my feet continued to his the rungs as I climbed, I slowly regained coherent thought, or at least as much as is possible late at night. I thought, 'What if he's up there?' I was considering starting a decent back down the ladder, but I could touch the roof if I wanted; I was so close. Besides, if he was up there, he would have already heard my not-so-quiet steps hitting the ladder.
My hand landed on the rough, almost sandpaper like surface as I swung my legs over the edge to get fully on the higher up ground. As soon as I was sure I wasn't going to fall over the edge, having moved a few feet from said edge, I looked up and gasped. It was almost like my eyes had been cleared of a sort of film that cleared my vision, allowing me to see better by ten-fold. I felt like I was soaring, and nothing would dare to cause me to crash. Below me though, I felt my entire being tremble, not from a cold chill, but from the emotional impact this had on me.
I felt free…
I knew that it was silly, but I felt like nothing troubling existed. It was as if the zodiac curse was a childs tale, and that Kyo was not an enemy, and Akito and my mother were not unhappy with my very presence on Earth. It felt so amazing, and I felt euphoric. So much so that it caused a tear to stream down my face. My hand flew to my face in an instant, and I wasn't flying anymore. I had crashed, all in an instant, my high was over, and all my problems were in fact real. Nothing would ever change that. I think I was stupid to think, even for a second, that any other reality was possible. A burning sensation reached my face in this moment. I knew that a deep blush covered my face, and that was fine, I deserved it for the outlandish thoughts I was starting to have.
With my hand on my cheek under the eye that had shed that one tear, I was starting to get the urge to really cry. It was something I had not done in years. Then a deep, hearty chuckle reached my ears, and my eyes got wide. It was a familiar laugh that I had heard. More color flooded my face, and my head whipped around, hand still glued to my face. A bright red dot crossed my blurred vision, and I tried to focus. I eventually succeeded, but not before his humored voice reached my ears again.
"What's your problem?" Kyo's darker face was smirking towards my blushing pale one. It didn't help at all that the light was shining more on my face than his, and I knew that he knew this. Still, his bright red eyes glowed, just like a cats. "I-I'm sorry… I really shouldn't be up here at all." My voice trembled with fear, and uncertainty, and the dam behind my eyes broke. My cheeks and hands were quickly soaked with the salty water of my tears. Kyo's look changed from humored to worry. I had never cried in front of him, or anyone in this house.
"Are you alright?!" His voice dripped with concern, and I felt horribly guilty for being the cause of it. I started to sob softly, and quietly managed, "I-I'm fine…" I knew perfectly well that my voice, saturated with my sobbing tearful state, would only worry him more. Yet, I could help but wonder, maybe I wanted that. For someone to worry, I think would make me happy. It seemed pathetic to me, but once I accepted this, I tried to clean up a little. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and cleared my throat. I felt like what I was trying to do was sort of sad. He had already seen me with his piercing red eyes, so why was I trying to cover up now?
You're… allowed to be sad, ya know?" His voice was filled, not with pity for me, but sympathy because he understood. I shook my head, ad he laughed a bit. Obviously he had expected me to disagree. He looked like he understood though. He knew exactly what I meant.
I was the rat, the one who got everything. I got to be number one, and supposedly got whatever I could ask for. I was a role model for the rest of the zodiac, and God's favorite as well. I was not supposed to be sad. It was practically forbidden. If I broke down, then what hope was there in this depressing existence?
Across the roof from me, Kyo sighed quietly. I looked up to meet his gaze, which was still glued to me. His eyes were not full of the sympathy anymore, but seemed to be searching. For what I was unsure, but when he noticed my eyes on him, he signaled me to come over to him. I stood shakily, and crossed to the other side of the roof where he was sitting, his legs were spread out, and he had been laying on his elbow. When I had sat down next to him, my legs crossed in the traditional Indian style, he moved to lie on his back. The hair on his face fell and spread around his head, and his eyes seemed to be looking for answers to unspoken question in the stars.
Then, his head turned to face me once more, and his ruby orbs scanned my face. He analyzed the eyes people had said resembled an amethyst jewel, and skimmed over my pale porcelain skin, finally through my silver hair, which Manabe-San enjoyed teasing me about. Finally he took in a breath in preparation to speak. "Why are you trying so hard? What reward are you getting out of this? She hurt you so much, but you still want her to approve of you?" I didn't know a decent answer to that question. Why did I still chase after her? Was it because she was on a timer, and that I knew when she would die? Or was that just my trigger? "I don't know…" This was the only answer I could think of, and Kyo just looked at the stars again.
Kyo let out a heavy breathe, but I noticed that it was a little shaky, and he had been trying to avoid that. "It's because you want her to love you. She disowned you so viciously that you just want her to approve of you just once. For her to say, 'I love you.'" I was awestruck. I had not expected to hear Kyo say anything remotely deep, though I suppose I should have, given the direction of this conversation. It made sense though. And I think that my heart is crying out for some form of acceptance when I am near her. "Why are you telling me this?" I couldn't think of anything else to say, and the silence had been uncomfortable. All I could think of was a question to his motives.
He began to talk again, and while he was speaking, his eyes never left mine. They were filled with certainty, and a confidence I wish I had.
"Over the years, I've been pretty stupid. I've made promises I know I can't keep, broken ones I could have kept, and probably hurt some people I loved. I'm getting sick of it. Always screwing this up, and hurting people. Hurting myself. I want to be someone that people can rely on, and can put their trust in. I also wanna make amends to the one person I made my biggest promise to. I need to apologize to her, but before I can do that, I need to make sure I can keep my word. Next time I talk to her, I need to be prepared to go through with it this time. Told her I would protect the one thing most precious to her. I was just a kid at the time, but she made me feel like… Like a superhero. I thought I could do it, but shit happened, and I took the coward's way out. What I've come to realize though, is that it's a fuckin' small world, and you can't just run away from shit. It'll follow you no matter what. I need to become a better person, and with what time I've been given, I wanna tell Kyoko that I need her to forgive me, and that I just can't protect Tohru for as long as I told her I would. I'm living on borrowed time here, and it's killing me, because I waited too long to start makin' amends. Now I gotta pay for that mistake. Maybe though, if I can convince someone else to do the same before their time comes, I can start to at least forgive myself."
I was stunned by the speech Kyo had given, for he was normally a person of few words. I felt the tears quickly well up in my eyes again, but I refused to cry. Kyo still watched me. He was now smiling though, as if a weight had been taken off him. I felt that this is what he had been wanting to say since our last encounter. "I too want to be forgiven, both by myself, and from my mother." I whispered softly, and Kyo only smiled knowingly. "Figured," Was all he said for the rest of the night. Slowly, I at last got tired, and fell asleep next to him on the roof. It was the best sleep I had gotten in quite a while.
I forgive you, if that counts for anything..
I don't think I will ever know who said that somewhere in the starlit mist of that chilly night.
Hehe, I love how this story is goin so far, and the few people who read this should be happy that I updated TWICE today! ^_^
I already know how this story will end too!
Oh, by the way, sorry for my writing style changes in this chappie~!