Tiny Toon Adventures:
Rated T for gratuitous cartoon villainy.
Two unlikely rivals get into an April Fool's Day contest.
Disclaimer: "Tiny Toon Adventures," Tiny Toon Adventures characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.
Calamity adjusted the final calculations on his new Beep Stopper 1000. The small grey coyote stepped back, running a critical eye over the roadrunner netting machine. After consulting his blueprints one last time he adjusted the skateboard ramp under the skateboard itself that would roll down the ramp, launch into the air and knock out the red wagon's cotter pin on the lever holding the hockey net aloft. Then the young genius carefully cocked a mousetrap to use as a trigger and placed a spring loaded dish on a neat 'X' painted on the sidewalk. He poured premium bird seed into it.
If he knew Little Beeper, and by now Calamity certainly should, the fleet footed-fowl will have rushed off without breakfast. The coyote providing breakfast for the red and orange roadrunner on the way to school had lately become something of a 'habit' for the comedy duo. Unfortunately, to Calamity's way of thinking at any rate, the bird had yet to make . . . or perhaps more accurately stated, become . . . a meal for the coyote.
Calamity sighed. So much work when his custom made roadrunner net launcher would have been perfect in this situation, but he'd been forced to leave it at his cave. Ever since the censors had banned guns from the Looniversity, he'd had to resort to some of his less sophisticated inventions. Not that his net launcher was really a gun, it just resembled one. The small, grey coyote snarled quietly to himself. The next thing you know, they'd be banning dynamite!
Hearing the soft whir of spinning, sneakered feet, Calamity ducked into the alley. The young genius rubbed his forepaws together, as much as in anticipation of watching his latest creation in action as in the prospect of finally catching Little Beeper!
True to form, with the sound of a plucked rubber band, Little Beeper came to a vibrating stop just short of the pile of birdseed. It looked delicious. Peck, peck, peck. Mmmm, it tasted delicious too. Calamity sure knew how to pick the right bait for a roadrunner! It seemed that the little red roadrunner was always rushing around getting everything gathered for school. Even though he was the fastest thing on two feet, he never had time to grab breakfast. Luckily, to his way of thinking, since his comedy partner was the aggressor, the small coyote's traps always backfired.
Within the shadow of the alley, Calamity again quietly snickered to himself. Beeper finished his breakfast and sped off. The young genius' eyes widened in disbelief. No way should his trap have a failure to launch! The little coyote crept to the now empty seed dish atop the mouse trap. He tentatively poked at the triggering mechanism and abruptly pulled back. When it still didn't trigger, he poked it again, puzzling over why his invention didn't work. Becoming exasperated, Calamity started jumping up and down on the spring loaded plate to get the mousetrap to go off. Amazingly enough, even with the tension bar released, the trap remained loaded.
Across the street, two small, white lab mice were making their way home after another night's fiasco of failing to takeover the world. Both mice had pink hands, feet and long, slender tails, but their white fur was smudged with soot from their latest failed scheme. Though their height could be measured in inches, the two had big ambitions. At least the shorter, stockier of the two did. His comparatively tall companion tripped alongside his ambitious friend, cavorting about and thoroughly enjoying the crisp morning air.
It was generally agreed that one of the pair was a genius, and the other insane. Though there was considerable debate on which mouse filled which description. For it could be argued insanity for a mouse to try to take over the world, despite his vast intellect. At the same time it could be considered genius to just lark about having a great time.
The Brain stopped short watching the comedy scenario unfold between the chase duo of Calamity and Little Beeper, causing his partner, Pinky, to run into him and tumble, laughing, to the ground. The stocky mouse shook his over-sized head as the coyote pup's ingenious contraption went into critical failure. If Wile E. Coyote's protégé ever got the bugs worked out of his inventions, the kid could be a great technical resource for the would-be tyrant. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain." The lanky mouse stopped his frolicking, a look of intense contemplation crossing his features. "But where would we get enough silly string to hang all the pots from the cafeteria ceiling?"
Brain's face fell and his large ears drooped. He didn't even want to know what was going on in his partner's head. He grabbed Pinky's long snout and stalked off for the lab dragging the taller mouse with him. "Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tonight."
"Why Brain? What are we doing tonight?" Pinky's Manchester dialect sounded a bit muffled as Brain still gripped his muzzle.
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky." The Brain turned and paused dramatically. "Try and take over the world!
Still puzzling over his jambed invention, Calamity traced the workings of his Beep Stopper 1000 from its spring loaded pressure plate trigger clear back to its skateboard ramp. By way of thanks for breakfast, Little Beeper zipped up behind Calamity and beeped at him. Startled, the small coyote jumped, smacking his head into the contraption's crossbeam. The fulcrum tipped and the beam began to slowly overbalance. Little Beeper stuck his tongue out a couple of times at his chase partner, hopped into the air, revved up his feet, and dashed off to school.
Calamity snarled silently and, with balled fists, huffed a few times to get his steam up. An ominous creaking sounded. Calamity looked up with 'Impending Doom' written in his eyes where his pupils would be normally. His ears drooped. Reflectively the young coyote held an absurdly dinky, green umbrella over his head, even though he knew it could not possibly shield him from the fallout of his own self-destructing creation.
Jostled by the impact of the small grey coyote's head, the skateboard zoomed own the ramp, flipped into the air and crashed into the red wagon. The cotter pin went flying. The lever and hockey net swung down, swiping across the mousetrap trigger and entangling it in the net. The lever continued its arc, coming full circle. It swung up and over the cowering coyote whereupon it abruptly lost all momentum and became subject to the law of gravity.
Plucky crashed into Buster Bunny when the blue lagomorph stopped short at a disturbance coming from the alley across the street. The braggart duck repeated almost exactly Pinky's tumble of earlier. The green duck sat dizzily on the sidewalk watching the small blue bunnies hopping around his head. Shaking his head vigorously to banish the bunny phantoms, Plucky Duck sprang to his feet. "Hey! Watch it!"
Shirley the Loon, floating in the air in her psychic lotus position and Fifi La Fume, the lavender 'femme fatale' skunk exchanged giggles. The small green mallard had been flirting with Shirley and hadn't seen Buster stop in time for him to avoid a collision. The blond haired loon covered her bill with a white feathered wing and giggled. Plucky felt the heat of embarrassment flush his face. Running into his best buddy wasn't very suave.
"What's up, Buster?" Babs Bunny (no relation) took the opportunity to straighten the two pert violet bows tied to the tips of her long, pink ears.
"Be back in just a minute, gang. I just want to check something out." Thinking that it might be Furrball in the alley trying to evade Amby and Lloyd, the Alley Cat duo that always picked on him, the Acme Looniversity class president crossed the street and stepped into the alley.
Always willing to help, the blue bunny was nonetheless surprised to find, not Furrball, but Calamity Coyote tangled in the remains of another failed trap. Buster briefly considered just turning around and leaving. The young genius often played the villain . . . Calamity had even hunted him before. Still, with his long, coyote ears smashed down by the net and a hint of tears in his hangdog eyes from a mousetrap clamped to his tail, the young coyote did look pretty pathetic there. The blue bunny sighed and offered his hand to help with Calamity's calamity.
Calamity stared at Buster Bunny's white gloved hand for a moment, a hint of suspicion clouding the grey coyote's eyes. It was . . . odd . . . that instead of mocking him, one of the 'stars' of Tiny Toons was actually willing to lend a hand. A strange feeling came over the young, school villain.
"Well, you want a hand up or not?" Holding quite still, and a little alarmed at his own temerity, the blue bunny held his white gloved hand steady to the small predator.
Still suspecting a trick of some sort, Calamity hesitantly took the rabbit's hand. When he was NOT shocked by a joy buzzer or other comedic gag, the small grey coyote allowed Buster to pull him to his pink sneakered feet and help him disentangle from the hockey net. Calamity tugged off the mousetrap from his tail and brushed himself down.
"Well, gotta get to class. See you at school, Cal." Smiling broadly, Buster waved goodbye and joined his friends waiting for him across the street.
Calamity stopped patting off the dust and stared after Buster in silence. The young genius watched as the popular blue bunny shrugged off his friends' questions. Being a villain did have its drawbacks. The small grey coyote rushed after Buster to catch up.
Seeing the vicious predator dash against her boyfriend, Babs did a spin-change into the tailored, navy blue and white uniform of a school crosswalk monitor. The pink bunny whipped out a big red sign.
Babs blew a shrill blast on a silver whistle that dangled from a lanyard around her neck. TWEET!!! "Hold it right there, buster!"
Buster did a quick double-take to see why Babs was yelling at him. But then he realized that the pink bunny wasn't calling his name, just a general moniker. True to the ingrained involuntary reflex common to many toons, Calamity jerked to a stop, even though he wasn't all the way across the street.
"Don't you know that this is a 'NO Coyote' Crossing-Zone?" Babs voice held a commanding tone.
"Yea, loser, who're you working for?" Plucky folded his feathered arms across his chest. More times than not, Calamity was hired out to one or another of the Looniversity's villains. "Monty again? or is it Elmyra this time?"
"Like, for sure," Shirley piped in. Then the psychic loon frowned. She wasn't getting any 'bad vibes' from the little coyote. The pretty white fowl vigorously shook her head. Her aura must be out of alignment.
Calamity hunched down against the verbal assault. He just wanted to thank Buster for helping him. But of course that was too much to expect from the so-called 'heroes' of the Tiny Toons!! The strange, new feeling evaporated . . . replaced by a very cold, familiar one. He wasn't working for anyone! . . . this time anyway.
One of Calamity's first, and subsequently ONLY, attempts at honest money making was as a pool lifeguard . . . but due to Elmyra's interference it turned out being a nightmare. Even after he managed to save his boss from drowning, Arnold the pit bull had fired him out of jealousy for being popular with the ladies. No one realized how expensive parts for his inventions were. Sure he had an unlimited Acme charge account, but their rates were absurdly high and he avoided using their credit card whenever possible. Plus, their stuff was junk. He'd suffered more from exploding inventions due to substandard equipment than even he, genius that he was, could count. And it wasn't like you could order a burger and fries from Acme anyway.
As Babs tucked her [STOP] sign away, a huge truck appeared out of nowhere and ran down the hapless coyote in the street. Dizzily trying to swipe away the dancing stars and lorries circling his head, Calamity staggered around in circles a few times before managing to make it to the sidewalk.
Fits of laughter beset the gang of toonsters at the little coyote's expense. One thing you could say for Wile E.'s protégé, Calamity could sure take a pratfall hit. The whole gang remembered numerous times that the young genius operated against them. Plucky rolled on the ground laughing in hysterics. The opportunistic green mallard was pleased that Buster was safe from Calamity; he just wished he could have collected a few side bets beforehand. "Hoo boy! That was even funnier than the time, Montana Max, Dizzy Devil, and Calamity got Buster and Babs cornered in the wrestling ring. Remember that, Buster?"
Having discovered that Calamity wasn't on his tail feathers, Little Beeper zipped back to see what was keeping his comedy partner. "Beep, Beep!"
Startled yet again by the small red quickster, the grey coyote sprang into the air only to land hard on his tail a few moments later. He sprang to his feet again. Actually glad that Little Beeper spared him further confrontation with the stars of Tiny Toons, Calamity nonetheless clenched his fists at his sides, growling briefly before tearing off after the annoying little roadrunner.
The small coyote ran off before Buster could intercede for him. The blue and white bunny lost track of what Plucky was saying. Buster shook his head, watching the comedic chase duo disappear around a corner. A concerned look crossed the normally carefree features of Buster's face. Poor Cal, he was stuck in a stereotype. The young genius couldn't change if he wanted to.
Fifi dreamily gazed after the chase duo of Calamity and Little Beeper, reminded of her own comedic signature chasse de l'amour. The purple skunk's love chases gave her an idea. Sneaking a sideways glance at Babs as the bunny re-spun into her normal attire of a yellow sweater and violet skirt, Fifi conspired with the loon.
"Yeah, I was concerned!" Completely unaware that he'd lost his audience, Plucky vehemently defended himself. "If you'd have lost that match, I'd have lost all those bets I took on you two."
"Gee, Plucky." Buster deadpanned. The Looniversity class president searched his mind, trying to figure out what the duck was going on about. Then the blue bunny shrugged and decided that it didn't matter. "You're all heart."
"I know." Plucky ran a hand through the unruly green feathers on the top of his head, striking what he obviously thought was a dashing pose.
"Like in your dreams, Plucky." Shirley raised her bill into the air and turned away from her would-be boyfriend.
Deciding that enough was enough, the loon reached off screen, tugging the city scape into a scene change.
"Okay, Babs, like there he is. Go for it!" No longer sitting cross-legged in the air, Shirley elbowed her pink bunny friend.
"I don't know, guys." Babs responded to her friend's prompting. Normally the Looniversity Comedy Queen wouldn't hesitate to accept a comedic dare from anyone, but after all Calamity Coyote was the nerdy brainiac of the school. "I don't think this is such a good idea."
"But why not?" Momentarily taken over by Byronic romanticism, Fifi had hearts throb in her eyes. "Vous really should, how they say, kees and make up."
Feeling Babs' hesitant aura, Shirley glanced slyly at her purple skunk friend. The psychic loon hated to see Babs constrained but she knew just the thing to get her going. "Like Babs is totally right, Fifi. Don't forget Professor Fudd's quiz later this morning. She needs to conserve her hilarity for it. Babs like totally used major comedic karma this morning on the way to school. She just doesn't want to run out of humor, or some junk."
"WHAT?! As if I even need any comedic reserve to pass one of the Fudd-meister's quizzes!" Babs could not believe her long pink ears. "Conserve! I don't need to conserve my comedy. I've got oodles of comedy! I've got comedy to spare!! I've got comedy coming out of my ears!!!"
Brushing the colorful streamers and clown flowers that bloomed from her ears in consequence of her last comment, Babs performed another spin-change. In a repeat of one of her very first on screen spin-changes, Babs was instantly dressed in a sheer lavendar evening gown with a slit up to her hip, matching gloves, and her ears draped back seductively. In her 'Jessica Rabbit' persona, Babs slunk over to the school genius.
"Hey there, short, light, and fuzzy." Her voice sultry and low, Babs ran her fingers through Calamity's long, coyote ears.
Not knowing what was going on, the small coyote tentatively smiled. His tail wagged a bit and he even started to melt. As the genius was about to loose all cohesion, Babs popped back into her usual skirt and sweater and blew a raspberry at him. The 'Fantastic Three' of Babs, Fifi, and Shirley dashed off giggling.
"Inside joke!" The three most popular girls in school chimed together as they took off. The words 'nerd' and 'geek' drifted back as they disappeared down the hall.
Angry, with paws raised to pounce and growling, Calamity paced forward tempted to give chase. But it wasn't just the comedy queen and her cohorts' catcalls resounding through the Looniversity halls. The whole school was laughing at him and repeating the call of 'Geek' and 'Nerd.' It didn't help that the small coyote was officially considered one of the school's villains. The designation seemed to open him up to the derision of the 'hero' toons as well. Even Monty, the spoiled, brown haired, rich kid with typical 'villain loyalty' was laughing his head off at him.
[Humph! I prefer 'Gearhead.']
Calamity tossed his sign to the floor then stalked off and into the student lab that he often used. The door slammed behind him with a little sign swinging on the doorknobs.
[Do Not Disturb!]
Once alone, the young genius collapsed back against the door, dejected. His ears and tail drooped. Some genius he was! He'd fallen victim to another of the bunny's pranks. Reacting to a joke was funny, being moody and hurt by it was not.
Montana Max pulled himself up off the floor where he'd fallen in a fit of hysterics. The gap-toothed, brown haired boy straightened his preppy suit. His mirth slowly faded into his habitual sneer. Monty's gaze fixed on Calamity's lab door, the [Do Not Disturb] sign still swinging.
"Eh? What's wrong, boy?" Yosemite Sam, with his thumbs tucked in the bands of his suspenders, swaggered up to his villain-in-training. With his bushy red eyebrows and mustaches that reached nearly down to his cowboy boots and humongous 10 gallon cowboy hat, Sam looked more like a bandit than the Vice Principal of the Looniversity. "Them darned rabbits giving ya grief?"
"Nyah. I got them pretty much dead to rights." Monty cocked a thumb over to the lab door. "That is I would have except that lousy, no good coyote is slacking off with the villainy."
Surprised, Yosemite glanced at the lab door. It was adorned with various and sundry warning signs, [Danger Zone] and [Superkid genius at work] being among them. Not much taller than his student, the rootin'-est tooten'-est cowboy this side of the Klondike was one of the toughest toons around. But even he wasn't so foolish as to barge in on any coyote genius' lab. He'd seen too many of Wile E.'s catastrophes. Sam ushered Monty into his office for a private chat.
"Eeeh, Calamity's going soft on me, Yosemite! His work is substandard, he's missed my last three planning meetings, and he's refusing to make me anything else until I pay him for the last project! Imagine!" Pouting petulantly, Monty flopped down in the chair by his mentor's large wooden desk.
"Huh, minion problems, hey Monty?" Sam ran a hand down his red whiskers. He'd never had much use for minions himself. In the old days it was just him and his mule matching wits against Bugs Bunny. Course his mule did give him plenty of grief. That darned sass-a-frassin' rabbit! Suddenly Yosemite grinned. "Hmm, sounds ta me like ya just gotta remind Calamity who his friends really are, an' just maybe kill two birds with one stone. Or should I say two RABBITS!"
The scene irised out as both villains broke out into evil chuckles.
A/N Guest appearance from Pinky and the Brain of "Animaniacs," trademarks of Warner Bros. Inc.