AN: My first ever Supernatural Fic. Just recently got addicted to the show, and have only seen a few eps, so forgive me if my characterizations are off.
This is just a drabble. A quickie. And probably one of the shortest I've ever written for any fandom, lol, but I don't really have a lot of time. This one was nagging at me and just wouldn't be put off until summer, lol.
Hope you enjoy! Reviews are loved! Needed! CRAVED!!! Lol.
Spoilers: Season 2, What Is And Should Never Be. Warnings: Hoping for a hanky, but not really. See Standing Disclaimers on Profile.
Wanting to Give.
"We don't talk outside of holidays."
"I can't believe we're even related."
"It's still better than anything you had."
"Dean, stay with us. Get some rest."
"You don't have to worry about Sam anymore. You'll get to watch him live a full life."
The voices echo around my head, each sentence as painful a stab as the knife that woke me up. But your voice is stronger.
"But people are alive because of you. It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair, and it hurts like hell, but it's worth it."
I can hear what you're saying, Sammy, I really can. I just can't bring myself to believe it. You weren't there. You didn't see. You were happy, Sammy. You didn't need me to protect you anymore, and that was okay, because you were safe. You were loved and in love. Ready to start your nice, normal life.
Mom was there too. Beautiful. I know you don't remember her, but there's a lot of her in you. You never understood, how much it hurt Dad to look at you and only see her. I did. It's why I stayed with him. When you went away to college and he told you to never come back, it was never because he was angry at you for leaving. It was because he felt he was losing Mom all over again. Me n' Dad, we're soldiers. Two peas in a pod. But not you. Sweet, gentle, innocent, Sammy. So much like her. A beautiful soul that could see beyond the darkness of our own.
I wanted that life for you, Sammy. Even if it meant losing you, I wanted to stay, to give it to you. To give back some of what I've taken from you. I'm so sorry I ever took you away from school. I'm sorry I ever came back into your life. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay away.
"Dean, it's worth it, right?"
No, Sammy, it's not. Not to Dean Winchester, brother to Sam Winchester. Not to the son who lost his parents to a world he wished he never knew existed. Not to this mortal man sitting here staring at eyes that seem to delve every inch of my blackened soul. But I'm not just a brother, not just a son. I'm a soldier in a war that can never be won, never be finished once and for all. And soldiers have responsibilities, duties, honor. It wasn't strength that drove that knife into my chest. It was weakness. I was too weak to ditch everything I had been brought up to value, and for that, once again, you've suffered.
Not just a brother. Not just a son. A solider. Fighting for what was right, not what was easy. Fighting to give you every chance I can to stay alive, knowing all the while it's not enough. Nothing can give you back the life I took from you, not once but twice. Nothing can give you back the innocence I've robbed from you time and time again. But I'm a soldier. And soldiers don't think like that. They don't think, don't feel, not on the field. Soldiers do as they're told, and I see your eyes telling me, ordering me, to let you know it's all okay. That every life we save somehow puts another dent in the pain you've suffered, given all the sacrifices a reason. That in the end it all balances out.
I'm a soldier. And soldiers do as they're told.
"Yeah, Sammy, it's worth it."