Author's warning; This is a CRACKFIC. It's gonna be random, sexual, violent, profane, crazy and let's not forget, hilarious~ If you have any problems with the things I just mentioned, and if you don't like homosexuality, don't read my story. Don't read any of my stories, because they're all like this.
Now, with that out of the way, please enjoy this somewhat crazy Harvest Moon series. o__o
Forget-Me-Not Valley was a peaceful town with limited modern conveniences. For example, there was not a single bathroom in the whole entire town so the villagers are forced to pollute their rivers and lakes, and actually, there is only one river and only two lakes. So they were pretty much screwed over with plenty of nice diseases. Ever wonder why there are hardly any wild animals?
There were nearly thirty people who came in and out of that valley. Most of them lead pathetic lives that followed the same pattern every single day.
Most of the time they woke up, walked out of their houses, headed for some silly destination like the Goddess Pond, the beach, or some very polluted lake, stayed there for countless hours doing nothing at all, then headed back when the sun set. If one had any bit of excitement in his life, he'd most definitely hit the bar when it opened. Otherwise he was stuck back at home doing absolutely nothing.
Now, you would expect these people--these simple minded people who lead simple lives--to be perfectly nice and innocent. After all, there isn't much to do in this town, so what kind of horrendous sins could be committed?
Looks are everything and everything is a lie.
Those villagers may not have been so simple and innocent. Who said that everybody was friendly? Who even knows that the hell they do when they stared, for countless hours, at a polluted lake, or even stayed for countless hours standing in the same spot?
Beyond the innocent appearance of this village lay dark secrets that only the privileged, or the twisted ever find out out. Who knows? Maybe they're all a little tWIstEd.
It wasthere, in fair Verona--I mean, a small, pathetic farm--that we found our scene.
Miyabi, owner of the the crappy little farm, along with Kaoru, co-owner of that farm, had almost just experienced the more pathetic display of inability to fight back they had ever seen, had they not seen asleep.
The Harvest Goddess, rumored to be such a bad-ass, living at the bottom of a polluted lake, (and yes, some villagers were desperate enough to do such a thing to the Goddess's pond), praised by many villagers and towns, adored by all the Harvest Sprites, keeps the Witch Princess's evil at bay and yet, she couldn't even navigate through time and space?
The Harvest Lord was a rather touchy fellow. If he hated being bald, why doesn't he make himself some hair, being a lord and all? Anyway, this guy, being the sensitive man he was, got offended by a comment from the Harvest Goddess. Yes, man really do cry over being called bald.
To make a long, annoying game intro short, the Harvest Lord sent the Harvest Goddess, along with 101 Harvest Sprites, away to another universe of sorts, which probably could have, and should have, been avoided.
But, it had happen and someone had to fix it. So who to turn to? The two girls who the Harvest Goddess had been visiting right before she got zapped.
The Witch, who supposedly hated the Goddess, brought it upon herself to force these two girls to bring her "rival" back. Conclusion: The Witch is the shittiest "villain" ever.
Miyabi and Kaoru were awake, sitting in their farm house, which in reality didn't deserve to be called a house at all, just getting done with listening to the Witch explain things to them.
"Be dears and bring the Harvest Goddess back to life, will you? I'm so lonely. I won't be able to get any happy tiem until she comes back! Got it? До свидания!!" Then with a flash of neon pink light, she was off.
"Oh damn. Did she just cast a spell on us?" Came from the brunette Miyabi.
"I think she was speaking a different language." The blonde, Kaoru, said.
"Oh. So that was like, German?"
"It was definetly Canadian."
"Oh please, she didn't say "eh" at the end of her sentence." Miyabi rolled her eyes.
"I dont know, it kind of sounded like she went "До свиданияehhhhhh" to me."
Miyabi sighed, "Let's just go out and pick up grass or something. Maybe this town has some hot boys."
With that, Miyabi headed for the broken door which should have recently been repaired.
"Do you think the Harvest Sprites are sexy, Miyabi?" Kaoru asked, following after her friend.
"Hell if I know. They better be,." Miyabi leaned against the door to push it open. Yes, it didn't even lock so all one had to do was push.
Unfortunately, Miyabi leaned a little too much into it, and the door collapsed leaving Miyabi crashing to the ground.
"Ooh~ I think the door is trying tell you that you're fat." Kaoru smiled.
Miyabi growled and picked herself up, "Come on, let's go molest some guy." This was actually something she enjoyed doing. It was a rather effective way to relieve anger.
Rock looked over his merchandise. To the looker, it appeared as if he was simply observing the plants in the Inner Inn. Only few knew better than that though.
Soon the plants would be fully grown and ready to harvest. His eager buyer would be crawling back to him, paying him anything for just the smallest amount. Yes, this was a risky business, but it amazing benefits.
Luckily for him, everyone in this town was slow. No one knew that these plants were more than just plants or that they weren't even fake. But, there was a chance that someone could find out. Rock had that taken care of, however.
That medallion that he wears, it's not just for looks, although he thought he looked like quite the hipster with it on. A small, mechanical device is attached to the back of it. This device prevented the trigger of a high powered laser. This laser would trigger when anyone without the medallion took the plants out of the Inn lobby, or if anyone other than Rock himself got to close to the plants.
You see, Rock had sneaked into Daryl's lab one night, and with the help of a secret accomplice, he was able to get possession of this laser. He installed it in the roofs of the Inn that very night. How the hell Rock was smart enough to install laser? The world may never know.
If the laser really did happen to go off, it would aim itself at the plant, burning it.
The plant will burn and the "high" creating fumes will be released. Being slow, primitive people, everyone will think the high was from the lack of oxygen due to the carbon monoxide that smoke contained. Actually, Rock doubted they even knew what carbon monoxide was. (( Rock didn't even know what that meant, but that's besides the point...)) They would probably ignore the whole thing all together once the initial fire was out.
Yes, Rock was a smart one.
Then Lukina, er, I mean--Lumina, walked in.
Rock jumped. He needed a way to distract the women(?) he admired so.
"Yo, Lumina!" He called out, walking over to her(?), a smile on his face.
She(?) merely looked at him as if he were a joke. Oh, little did she(he/it/cactus) know that Rock could have been the one to make her(?) happier than she(?) had ever dreamed.
Drug wise, that is.
Or maybe...the other kind of way too.
"How about we go somewhere, Lumina? The Goddess pond, lake, landfill....hey, what's a landfill?"
Lumina rolled her(?) eyes, "You're slow, aren't you?"
"Yeah, that's what she said."
Rock stared at her(?) blankly, "That's what she said. You know..."
"No, I dont. Who's this 'she'?"
"Let's just go somewhere. If you're lucky, I'll give you a kiss~" he teased, trying to be seductive. It failed.
"You are such a pervert!" Lumina cried, storming out of the Inn, which was strange. What kind of girl(?) would not want to be kissed by a guy of decent sexual appeal?
In any event, Rock was just glad to have her away from his merchandise.
Miyabi and Kaoru paraded the town, searching for any hot men they could find. They only found a few that were slightly decent looking, at best. Even the flirt watering the Inner Inn's plants wasn't nearly as hot as they had liked....
It was well into night when they had came to the end of their search. It had taken them a long time because they had to introduce themselves to all the pleasant (psyche!) town's members.
And here comes the recollection of the day's events...
First, there was that little girl who threatened to send them into the depths of Oblivion if they didn't beat up another little kid, Hugh.
They beat Hugh up, of course.
Then his father had had something to say about that. The father had some sort of eye condition so it was easy for the two girls to kick him and run.
But then the guy's wife found out. Her huge, secretary glasses were the key to her power. All Miyabi had to do was steal them. It left the woman helplessly on her knees searching for them, even though a normal human being would most certainly be able see right in front of her without her glasses.
From there they had ran to the badass villa on the top of a hill.
Without giving it any thought, and because the door was unlocked, the two girls ran inside, hiding from the family they just humiliated.
Inside, Lumina(?) was at the piano, just playing away at a solemn tune, "Oh Rock, will we ever be together? I know I have treated your poorly--but it is only because I don't know how to express my love. No- it's because I can't express my love! My love for you is forbidden, for I am not who you think I am~" the sad girl(?) sang as she(?) played.
"Hey chick, are you okay?" Miyabi asks, approaching her(?).
Lumina jumped and let out a small cry of surprise. She(?) quickly turned to give the both of them the finger, "Say that you heard anything and I will eat your babies!" then she(?) ran off and up the stairs. The sound of a door slamming could be heard.
Both girls blinked twice then ran out a fast as they could.
"Im going home. These people freak me out." Kaoru shivered.
"It's kinda funny~" Miyabi smiled, amused with the whole town.
"I guess if you look at it like that..." Kaoru turned to walk away, "Be careful. If you die, I'd have to pay for everything myself." and she walked away.
Miyabi wonderd what it would be like to kill Kaoru in her sleep.
Just as Miyabi was about to venture around the town more and, with all desperateness, molest Rock, someone walked out of the mansion. Scared to death that it was the melancholy freak who might kill her children one day, Miyabi jumped and spun around, ready to knock a bitch out.
But it was not Lumina(?). It's an angel, or least, someone who looks like an angel.
"Bow chika wow wow." Miyabi smirked as she looked over the man who had walked out.
The silver haired prince, who made Miyabi want to touch herself, appeared to not have heard that comment, for he walked right up to her.
"A fair maiden is walking alone, at this hour?" His voice rather heavenly. "Why don't you let this prince take your hand and walk you home? For someone of such beauty--it must not be safe to be left by herself."
The same could be said about him, however, Miyabi didn't tell him this. She was too busy staring down at this man's crotch.
"Sleep with me."
"One night, my maiden, we will sleep under the stars; it will be just the two of us."
Miyabi frowned, "No, I mean, I want to have se-"
"THIEF!" Lumina(?) screamed, running out of the mansion and pointing at the beautiful boy, "I will eat your freakin' children!"
Mr. Wonderful turned to Miyabi and smiled at her, "Heh, looks like I've got to run." Before taking off, he looked back at Lumina(?), "I will see you in my dreams tonight~"
"Oh!" Lumina(?) squealed, blush on her(?) face, "Rock! I am afraid that I have another man pulling at my heart! Oh~ what bittersweet love affair!" and with that, she(?) ran back into the mansion.
Miyabi let the pretty boy get away, obviously too occupied with looking at him his cute little butt as he walked off to do anything.
Before the gorgeous thief walked out of sight, Miyabi shouted to him, "Steal my virginity, the one I don't even have!."
Okay, so that was all that happened. Now Miyabi and Kaoru were back at their farm house.
That night, Miyabi had to sleep on the epic fail bed because Kaoru stole the good one. All was not lost though--
Miyabi would have dreams about that man she met.
I'm sure you can imagine what was going on in those dreams.
Bow chicka wow wow, anyone?
Author's ending comments; If the whole Lumina thing, you know, with the question marks after the 'she's' and 'her's' and such is confusing, it'll all be cleared up soon, so don't worry. Just know that Lumina might not be a girl. :0
HAVE I SAID TOO MUCH? D: