This is what happens when there are no new fics or updates involving my favorite mech and his femme. So blame other writers or just blame my muse for this one! I swear I need to stop being bored at work! My mind comes up with the craziest slag sometimes.
For this fic we'll be using my favorite movie universe vehicle models with a little bit of the Transformers Energon technology involved…mainly the warp room.
Summary: April Fools! A freak accident (nothing to do with Wheeljack) causes the consciousnesses of Optimus Prime and Elita One to switch bodies. Optimus must deal with the issues of being in a femme's body. Elita must do the same in a mech's body. But there's a twist to this story as well…which is revealed in this chapter. Let the mayhem begin! Woohoo!
We'll start off with a T rating for now. Said rating may go up to M in later chapters. Oh yeah, one more thing! This is a totally cracked fic!
It had started off as a good day. Peaceful. Quiet. Even the twins, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, were behaving themselves. Although, Prowl was ever watchful of them as he seemed to be the focus of their pranks this week. They've already caused his CPU to crash twice the three days. They wont be bothering me for some time as I made their maintenance check ups a living pit the other day. They're whiny and crying was almost music to my audio receptors as I flushed their tailpipes.
The only blemish of the morning was the shouting I heard coming from Optimus and Elita's quarters. Usually Elita did most of the yelling. It was a rare thing for Optimus to ever shout back at her during an argument. The mech loved her too much. But this morning they were both really going at it.
I had noticed that Elita had been particularly moody the past few days. More so than usual for her. She just seemed to abruptly change moods in mid sentence. Yesterday poor Jazz got his audio receptors chewed out for no particular reason. When I inquired about her behavior with Optimus he just attributed it to her still trying to adjust to her new life on Earth.
He could have been right as she'd only been on Earth for about a month now. Many of us were still trying to adjust to our new home. It certainly wasn't anything like Cybertron. For if we were, I doubt the events that were about to unfold would have ever happened on our home world.
Somewhere I know Primus was laughing for said events had to be part of the biggest cosmic joke in the history of the universe!
Earth April 1st 2010 midmorning
"Has anyone seen Optimus?" Prowl asked, standing in the doorway of my medical bay.
"No I have not seen him," First Aid replied looking up from the work he was doing on Wheeljack's arm.
"He's probably just blowing off steam somewhere," I replied setting starting the diagnostic scan of Ironhide's weapon systems.
"Probably," my friend agreed. "He and Elita were arguing something fierce this morning. Ratchet and I thought we might have to intervene."
"Bumblebee said he saw Elita peel rubber towards the warp room with Optimus chasing after her," Bluestreak chimed in, from the med birth he was resting on after his latest car accident. "He only knew that because she nearly ran him over when he arrived back from his patrol."
"Thank you, Bluestreak," Prowl sighed.
Claxons suddenly sounded across the base followed by Ultra Magnus' voice over the PA system.
"Optimus and Elita are under attack! Units one and two head to the warp room!"
I quickly disconnected Ironhide from the diagnostic scanner. Then the two of us raced out of the med bay hot on Prowl's heels. Jazz had joined us on route completing our unit. Magnus, Bumblebee and the twins consisted of unit two were right behind us.
"Got anything Jazz?" Prowl asked.
"Just that they're in South Dakota."
"Why there? It's the middle of nowhere?" Ironhide asked.
"Elita was so slagging pissed off that I don't think she cared where she was warping too!" Bumblebee replied.
"Coordinates are already programmed in, lets just hurry and get there," Magnus ordered.
"Do we know how many 'Cons we're dealing with?" Prowl asked.
"I lost communication with them before I could find that out," Magnus answered.
"We'll deal with it, just keep them off Optimus and Elita so Ratchet can work on them if they're injured," Ironhide suggested as we ran into warp room."
"Agreed," Prowl nodded. "Let's do this."
"Coordinates set, ready to launch when you guys are," Jetfire's voice sounded over the warp room's intercom.
Prowl glanced at all of as waiting for us to each take up our positions.
"Launch us Jetfire!"
"Right, activating the warp field…now."
"I hate this part," I muttered as the room went dark. "I still always get a queasy feeling in my tanks."
"Just don't blow energon chunks on me like you did back on Lunar Vega," Ironhide seriously said making the twins and Bumblebee laugh.
"Focus men," Prowl ordered as the image of the location we were warping to appeared before us.
A moment let I felt the subtle pressure on my systems as the warp field extended around us. A slight tingling sensation traversed from head to foot. I could literally feel the pull on my tank a split astrosecond before we warped from the gate room to South Dakota.
The disorientation was brief. Not enough to slow any of us down. Prowl immediately tried to make radio contact as we went for cover.
"Odd, I'm not detecting any Decepticons in the area," Jazz frowned.
"Neither am I," Magnus said, worry etched into his features.
"Jetfire, can you confirm that there are no Decepticons in our immediate vicinity?" Prowl asked.
"Teletran is scanning the area now…That's affirmative. No 'Cons in the area. There is a high energy field near your location. It seems to be diminishing. Optimus and Elita's energy signatures are in the middle of the field and very faint. Sending you their exact coordinates now."
"Let's move out," Prowl ordered as we all received the coordinates.
Even before we reached the location things weren't looking good. The ground up ahead looked like it imploded in on itself. There was a huge hole. And as we reached the out rim we looked down and saw the largest cluster of huge quartz crystals I'd ever scene.
"There they are!" Sunny shouted pointing.
The young mech was about to head down into the hole but I grabbed his arm stopping him.
"No! Wait! The crystals are so charged right now! This energy field needs to dissipate first! It's strong enough to knock your CPU offline!" I said, my concern for Optimus and Elita growing.
"But we need to get to Optimus and Elita!" Prowl exclaimed.
"We need a way to disperse the energy," Jazz mused.
"According to Perceptor and Wheeljack's calculations the energy field should disperse itself any moment now," Jetfire said.
As usual our top scientist and engineer were right on. The moment the field dissipated I slide down into the chasm. Dirt and rocks cascaded down with us all the way until we reached the bottom. They uneven terrain of dirt and crystals made it difficult to maneuver but I did the best I could. I had to reach my leader and his sparkmate.
From what I could see so far, Optimus was wrapped around Elita, shielding her from whatever danger they had faced. So typical of our Prime. Always putting himself in danger no matter what the risks are. As much as I bitch to him about putting himself in harms way I am forever grateful for him saving my own life doing just that on a number of occasions.
"They're alive…Optimus took the brunt of the laser fire…" I said, kneeling beside them and slowly pulling Optimus off Elita and laying him on his back. I also gently laid Elita on her back and started my scans on both of them.
"I don't like it here," Prowl grumbled. "We're too exposed and what happened to Optimus and Elita can happen to us."
"Agreed," Magnus said. "Ratchet, can we move them?"
"One moment," I said as my scans were nearly complete. A warning flashed back from Elita's scan so I quickly moved to her side as I analyzed the results. "Well that's interesting."
"What? Is Elita ok?" Jazz asked, kneeling beside me.
"I may have found out why she's having these abrupt mood swings," I chuckled, keeping the secret to myself for the moment while doing a further scan to ensure everything with Elita was fine.
"Great, she's pregnant!" Ironhide huffed. "That's all we need!"
"Ah, come on Hide," Jazz grinned. "You make it sound like a bad thing."
"Jazz, don't start," Prowl groaned.
"I'm not obsessing."
"Yet," Prowl added.
"Thank Primus you two can't procreate," Ironhide said. "The poor sparkling's processor would lock up every time it laughed or farted."
"Well its better than a sparkling blowing itself up likes yours would," Jazz countered defensively, rising to his feet.
"Wrong, if Chromia and I had a sparkling it would know to keep the safety on, have good aim, and shoot you in the aft!"
"Shut up!" Magnus snapped. "Focus. Ratchet…"
"We can move them," I replied. "They've suffered a few burns from the laser fire. Nothing too serious. I do need to run a more thorough scan on their processors."
"Are they offline?"
"Not anymore. They booted back up a few moments ago. But something's…off. I'll know more when we get them to the med bay."
Just then Elita's optics snapped online and she tried to sit up.
"Whoa, lay back down," I said, grabbing hold of her shoulders.
"The 'Cons…" she started, her optics scanning the skies.
"They're gone," I said.
"Can you tell us what happened?" Prowl asked.
"Later Prowl, lets just get Elita and Optimus back to the base," I insisted. I too was getting anxious out in the wide open. The 'Cons could come back.
"Elita! Where is she is she ok?" the femme asked worriedly.
"Uh?" was my initial reaction.
However, it seemed to only enrage the femme!
"Where is Elita? Where's my sparkmate?"
"Uh…Ratchet?" Jazz questioned. "Did she lose a few screws?"
"I'm not sure," I said, my processor trying to calculate what might have happened to Elita. "It's not amnesia…"
"Amnesia?! What the frag?!" Elita snapped. "I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots and as your commander I demand that you tell me where Elita is!"
We all literally froze. There was a crash somewhere close behind me. Presumably Prowl's logic circuits just locked up and he went offline. Frag, my logic circuits were threatening to crash too! I think all of ours were as Jazz didn't even budge to see if Prowl was ok.
"I'm going to ask one last time," Elita said slowly, threateningly, as she sat up. "Where…"
The femme suddenly seemed startled noticing her mate lying beside her.
"That's my body!" she exclaimed. "Frag! What happened to me? Where's Elita?"
"Uh…I hate to break it to ya, but you are Elita," Jazz said as gently as he possibly could.
The femme took one look at herself. Her optics widened to the point of straining the optic port so badly that I thought her optics were going to pop out!
A second crash sounded as Elita's…or um, Optimus'…or whomever's own logic circuits finally froze up taking the processor offline.
For the longest moment none of us said a word. What was there to say? But leave it to Sunstreaker to comment on the situation from his own deviant point of view.
"This is so cool!"