Hey there! Lemme introduce myself here; I'm Q. Not the Q you know, of course; I'm his, mm, you can probably best describe it as "older brother." I'm the guy who got him kicked out of the Continuum way back when, and even now that he's a big war hero and all that, every so often he needs me to... keep his ego in check. Otherwise it'd eat the Continuum and then where would we all be?
See, he sorta lost a bet to me. So now I get to tell you about one of the episodes in his life that he was never, ever gonna tell anybody, due to the sheer embarrassment factor. And since I'm, y'know, omniscient and all, I'm going to tell it to you like a real story, in third person and everything. The thing about being a Q that's really great when you're not on the wrong side of it, and really awful when you are, is that we know every embarrassing secret that ever happened to any of us, in full technicolor detail and usually from the perspective of everyone who was in the room at the time. So I'm gonna tell this story from the perspective of the human in it, 'cause most of the audience is human, or almost human, and besides, it's much funnier this way.
So you all know Captain James T. Kirk, right? Starship captain, human, lived in the 23rd century? Right. Just checking. So here's Kirk, on shore leave. Kicking back, having a drink. And the bartender hands him a new drink when the old one's done, and says, "Compliments of the lady, over there." Kirk looks over and sees this tall, dark-haired humanoid-looking woman over at a table, who smiles and tilts her glass at him as if she's toasting him across the room.
Now it's technically not true that Kirk was the biggest man-slut in Starfleet history. He never slept with anyone under his command, he never slept with anyone underage, and a lot of the time when he went catting around on missions, it was because he saw sexing up the lady of the week as a way to protect his ship, stop a war, or some of that heroic jazz. On the other hand, he also never turned down a challenge, and a woman he doesn't recognize buying him a drink sort of qualifies. So he heads over to her table and sits down, and says, "Thanks for the drink. I haven't had a good Saurian brandy in weeks."
"You looked like the sort of man who appreciates the good stuff," the woman says. "So you're the redoubtable Captain James T. Kirk. I've heard the most amazing stories about you."
"Mostly good things, I hope," Kirk says.
She smiles sardonically at him. "Oh, mostly good things, definitely."
"You seem to have the advantage of me, Miss..."
"It certainly looks that way," the woman says, smirking.
Kirk tries again. "I'd like to know the name of my benefactor."
"That's humanity's lot in life, isn't it? Always wanting to know things. You've just got to find things out, even when it's dangerous." She sips at her drink.
Kirk smiles, amused. "Are you saying it'd be dangerous if I knew your name?"
"So you're a mystery woman. I take it you're not actually human, either?"
"What gave me away?" she asks lazily.
"Referring to humans as 'you' is usually a dead giveaway. What species are you, if I may ask?"
"You may ask all you like."
"But you're not going to answer."
Her grin gets bigger. "It's amazing how quickly we're getting to know each other, isn't it, Jim? Can I call you Jim?"
He's enjoying flirting with the mystery woman; witty banter's always fun. "Only if you give me something I can call you. I can't very well be saying 'hey you', now can I?"
"Captain, an intrepid explorer like you must be constantly giving names to new phenomena, new planets, new non-sentient species... or sentient species whose name you can't pronounce, for that matter. Why don't you make up a name for me?"
He thinks about it. "How about Anastasia?"
"As long as you don't try to shorten it to Annie or Stacy, that'll work."
So they banter back and forth a little while longer, Kirk continuing to try to find out the mystery woman's name, species, purpose in being here or how she knows his name, and "Anastasia" playing the flirtatious mystery woman to the hilt. When Kirk's gotta go because he's got a prior engagement to go out sailing with his doctor and his first officer (who does not want to go anywhere near the water, to be honest, but he's being all Vulcan about it and coming up with half a dozen rationalizations as to why he shouldn't be on shore leave at all, let alone sailing with Kirk and McCoy, but that's a totally different story), he asks her for her contact information, and instead she promises to meet him for dinner tomorrow night.
He's almost thinking she's stood him up when she arrives twenty minutes late, with her hair pinned up in one of those 23rd century amazing hairdos that you almost think the women need to be telekinetic to be holding up, and a dress that between the backlessness, the cleavage, and the micromini hem, might as well almost not be there. She's gorgeous. Okay, her nose is too big and her lips look like she got stung by a bee and she's taller than he is, even if she wasn't in heels and her hair wasn't taller than her head, but hey, he doesn't hold things like that against a gorgeous woman. They eat dinner (mostly, he eats dinner and she plays with her food and uses her fork as a prop when she talks with her hands, which she does pretty much all the time), and drops hints that sort of imply that maybe she comes from a more advanced civilization and she's kind of doing the same first contact scout thing he does when he visits new worlds that have never heard of the Federation. So of course Kirk wants to impress her, and they end up walking around on the beach, talking about the difference between the metaphorical significance of stars vs. the fact that really they're just big balls of gas, and then they talk about poetry, and Shakespeare, and maybe she sort of implies that she might have met the guy, and Kirk is fascinated because he's only met a handful of people who live that long, and by now he really wants to get her in bed. She's hot, she's mysterious, she's extremely intelligent, she's witty, and the way she's looking at him he thinks maybe she's pretty hot for him too.
They sort of kind of wander over to where he's got a cabin, since she's conveniently not showing any signs of wanting to head toward wherever she might be staying, and then he asks her if she wants to come in for drinks, and she laughs and says that she's drunk plenty tonight, but if this is his way of asking if she wants to come in for sex, she thought he'd never ask. He's kind of taken aback that she's being so blunt about what she wants, but on the other hand, he's used to women being all coy, at least verbally (plenty of them have literally jumped his bones, but no one's ever said 'If that's an elaborate euphemism for "do you want to come in and have sex with me", well, I thought you'd never get around to asking'), so it's kind of hot too. He kisses her, which is a bit awkward because with the heels she towers over him, so she kicks them off and they sort of swing each other through the door to the cabin, leaving her shoes outside on the walkway, and they do in fact make it to the bed before he's naked but not before she is.
And as they're going at it hot'n'heavy, there's a sudden flash of light in the room, and an eight-year-old boy appears, stomping his feet and says, "That's my toy, Mum! You told me I wasn't allowed to play with him and here you are playing with him! It's not fair!"
Kirk is horrified at the sudden intrusion of a little kid into the room. He rolls off her and yanks the blankets up over them both before you can say "small children are excellent birth control". She sits up and starts yelling at the kid. "Q! How many times have I told you not to bother me when I'm with mortals? Wasn't Q supposed to be watching you?"
The kid pouts. "He wanted to go watch the Klingons fight the Romulans in the Deropa sector again. He said I should go see what you were doing. And besides, we're supposed to use names in this time period, Mum! Didn't you tell me I was supposed to use a name when I talk to human mortals, because you haven't made first contact with them yet?"
"Mortals?" Kirk asks.
The woman puts her hand to her head. "Oh, give me strength," she mumbles. "Yes, I did say that."
The boy smiles triumphantly. "Well, then you have to call me Trelane, not Q."
Kirk's eyes get so big they are in danger of falling out of his head. "Trelane?" He stares at the kid, and then at the woman. "You're Trelane's mother?"
"She was my papa the last time you talked to her, when he yelled at me for playing with you," Trelane says helpfully.
"She was your papa."
"Mum, did you break his eardrums? He doesn't seem to be hearing as well as he did when I played with him."
"Trelane. GO. AWAY. Don't you have anything to do?"
"I found a Borg ship," the boy says. "Can I play with that?"
"NO. Put it back now. Go practice making a nebula."
"I don't want to make a nebula! I made two nebulas already! They're boring. I want to play with mortals." He hops up on the bed. "Can I play the game you're playing?"
Both the woman and Kirk say, "NO!" at the same time.
Kirk is desperately looking around for his underpants, only to discover to his horror that he left them too far away from the bed to get them on without getting off the bed and out of the bedcovers. Being naked in front of his partner's small child would be bad enough, but if this is actually Trelane... He's having a hard time imagining a worse situation and not coming up with much. Maybe if she was married to a Klingon warrior who walked in on the two of them. No, actually this is worse.
"Look, uh, Anastasia, I don't want to be rude but maybe I should go. You seem to have your hands full." At any other time, learning that the woman he'd just been enthusiastically banging was some kind of unfathomable superpowered alien with godlike powers might have intrigued the explorer side of his nature, but kids and sex don't mix, and especially Trelane and sex do not mix. He still remembers the alien child putting on a show of courtliness for Uhura, and doesn't want to think about what might have happened if the kid had thought sex was as worth investigating as other aspects of human behavior.
"What, do you always run out on your women just because their annoying children interrupt? Trelane, if you do not go away and find something else to do RIGHT NOW, so help me I will drop-kick you into a black hole and you can be there for the next twenty years."
"You always say that, Mum. But when Papa does it you say he's being cruel and I'm only a little boy. So aren't you being a hypocrite?" The child smiles triumphantly.
"I am this close to agreeing with your father that you are a menace to society and should be locked up."
"I think I should go," Kirk says, grabbing a pillow and using it to cover his naughty bits as he makes a strategic retreat in the direction of his underwear.
"I think my son needs to go. You and I could at least finish things with a civil conversation, even if you can't manage anything more... vigorous."
"Your son once attempted to hang me for the crime of not wanting to play with him. He also attacked my ship."
"I would have put you back together after I hung you," the boy says, pouting.
"No, you wouldn't have. You don't know how," the woman says. "You would have come whining to me that you broke your toy, like you always do, and expecting me to fix it for you, because I am entirely too soft-hearted toward mortals and you know I'll actually do it, unlike your father, who has never forgiven me for picking a mortal to try to procreate with first before settling on him."
"I almost know how."
"Almost doesn't cut it when you're resurrecting sentient beings. Now get out of here!" She gestures, and the boy vanishes in a bright flash of light, with a surprised look on his face.
She turns back to Kirk, breathing heavily and running a hand through her hair. She's flushed, her face bright red. "I... apologize for that. His father was supposed to be watching him."
"I understand completely," Kirk says. "But I really do think I need to go." He's at least gotten his underwear back on. "I... you know, I'm not sure this was a good idea."
"What, because I'm virtually omnipotent you don't want to have sex with me? What is it with you starship captains? Picard's all 'we can't trust you' and Janeway thinks her lapdog the wooden Indian is sexier than I am, so I go for the infamous nail-anything-that-moves Jim Kirk and he turns me down too! An entity could get a complex from this!"
Dealing with godlike entities isn't something Kirk ever enjoys having to do. Dealing with one who's feeling rejected seems like especially dangerous territory. "There's nothing wrong with you, Anastasia. You're beautiful, and you were great. It's just... your son would have ruined the mood even if he hadn't once tried to kill me."
She puts her face in her hands. "I have been turned down by Kirk. I will never live this down."
"I... you know, maybe sometime, if we could get to know each other a little better? I mean, your species has to be very different from mine, and I'd like to know a little more about you before I go rushing into anything."
She glares at him. "You were perfectly happy to go rushing into me without knowing a damn thing."
"Yes, but I thought... Well, I thought you were actually a humanoid like me, someone on my level. Not a... goddess."
"I'm not a goddess. Only losers like that wanna-be Apollo actually want to be worshipped." She looks away at nothing, and then back at him. "Look, Kirk, I can't tell you all about me, because I'm actually from the future and I haven't made first contact with your species yet. I just wanted to get laid. Is that a crime?"
"By a starship captain in particular, or would any human have done?"
She turns red again. "I do kind of have a fetish for starship captains, yeah."
The little boy appears again. "Mum, Papa says that you're the one who wanted me, so you're stuck with me, and it serves you right for letting me turn into such a brat."
"Did he maybe forget the part about you stopping a war?"
"Trelane stopped a war?" Kirk asks, because somehow it seems more in character for the god-child to have started one.
"I'm supposed to be the messiah of my people. I was born to end the conflict," the boy says cheerily.
Kirk looks at the supposed messiah of his people, and then at his mother, and tries very, very hard not to think "How's that working out for you?" too loudly in case she might be a telepath.
"Trelane. Future knowledge. Shut up. Now go bother, I don't know, Amanda or something."
"Amanda said it would be a cold day in hell before she babysits me again."
The woman snaps her fingers. "Done. Go tell Amanda it's snowing buckets in Hades, now do me a favor and watch you for a few minutes or I will tell absolutely everyone about the time she had sex with a Denobulan sea slug."
The boy vanishes again, this time apparently under his own power because he's smirking.
During the conversation Kirk has been getting his clothes on. He's now shirtless, but has his pants and boots on. "I'm sorry, Anastasia. It's not your fault, but we mere mortals have limits. I just can't do anything with you when I know that first of all, your son might come in at any time, and secondly, he's Trelane."
She sighs very deeply. "Fine. The mood's ruined, you can't bring yourself to knock boots with a goddess anyway, and my idiot son will certainly come back to interrupt if I try this again. I'm just going to have to go take out my frustrations on Picard or something."
"Is Picard another starship captain?"
"Future knowledge, Jimmy, future knowledge. Can't tell you that."
"Well, I'd really prefer you didn't take your frustrations out on another human being. Or for that matter another sentient being."
"Are you going to finish fucking me?"
Kirk is somewhat taken aback. It takes him a moment to find the voice to say, "...No. I really can't."
"Then you don't get a say in what I do about my frustrations. Go away, Kirk."
Suddenly he is standing in the middle of the street, shirtless, under bright streetlights, and becoming aware of the various scratch marks and bruises from too-passionate kisses that cover his neck and back, not to mention the mussed condition of his hair. Several people are staring at him.
Kirk tries to put on an "I meant to appear out of nowhere on the middle of a crowded street looking like I was just having sex" manner, and strides down the street. This is totally ruined when Spock's voice comes out of nowhere. "Captain? How did you get here?"
"Don't ask, Spock. Just... don't ask."
And that, pals, is the story that Q was never gonna tell you. Feel free to tease him about it. All of us do.