What would happen if Bowser got his way?
A short fanfic by Stephen Paget.
One day in the Mario Brothers home. Mario heard the phone ring, it was Toad.
"Mario! Help! Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser again!" he yelled on the phone.
Mario sighed. "I'll see what I can do." And hung up.
Luigi walked in the room. "Who was it?" he asked.
"Toad. Turns out Peach has been kidnapped again." Mario groaned.
"Christ….doesn't the mushroom kingdom castle have any knights or something that could battle Bowser's army?"
"Nope….just get people who plumb for a living to do all the work." Mario sulked.
"Well are we going?" Luigi asked.
"No way, didn't you read 'Mario and Luigi vs the Fast Koopa Burglar' by the same author of this story? I broke up with her and I'm seeing Pauline."
Luigi scratched his chin. "You know I've been wondering about something. What would happen if Bowser took over the mushroom kingdom. What would he do different?"
"Better yet, how does he run his own kingdom? He can't be truly evil all the time. How does he treat his own army? I mean I bet even Saddam Hussein had some good in him, I'm sure the reason he attacked everyone is because of his poor life in Iraq. Everybody at least has a little good on them."
"Oh…I don't know the T.V cartoons on Bowser made him look totally evil."
"Oh….forget those! Word of advice, Luigi! Cartoons and movies based on video games can be very different compared to the actual games themselves. There were a lot of things different in those."
"Like how all 7 of Bowser's kids had completely different names? Example, Wendy O'Koopa was called Kootie Pie?"
And how Shy guys and Snifits belonged to Wart in the games, but in the cartoons belonged to Bowser who was only ever called King Koopa?"
"Yeah!" Luigi giggled. "And there were some god awful differences too!"
"Yeah…." Mario laughed "Since when did we ever have two cousins called Marianne and Luginnea? Or two hillbilly cousins called Mario Joe and Luigi Bob?"
"Honestly the cartoons make so much less sense than the games!" Mario laughed. "A special dance for plumbers? Alligators as pets? Dracula as a customer!? And why do all our fake relatives have similar names to Mario and Luigi?"
"Don't even get me started on the SMB movie!? How can they forget to give me a mustache!"
"Not to mention I look like I was in my 50's!" Mario chuckled. "And Bowser or Koopa, I should say. What the holy fuck!?"
"And the theory that our last names were Mario!" Luigi grinned. "Oh don't get me started on that."
"Don't." Mario snapped out of his laughter. "The author already made a 5 part series on that. I'm sure everybody's sick of that by now. We have no last names, Nintendo have confirmed that."
Luigi came out of his laughter. "Anyway what do we do about Bowser?"
Mario pondered "Hmmmmm….grab a notepad and pen, and follow me."
So Mario and Luigi went to Bowser's Kingdom, but they weren't going to stomp on any turtles. They were going to interview them!
Mario and Luigi waited in the bushes waiting for a Koopa to come along. When one did, they popped out of the bushes.
"Yipe! The Mario Brothers! Take anything you want! Just don't kill me!"
"Relax….little guy. We just want to ask you a few questions." Luigi clicked his pen.
"Can you spare 30 seconds?" Mario asked.
"Uhhh….sure." the koopa said.
"Do you work for Bowser?" Mario asked.
"I sure do." The koopa replied.
"What's your paycheck like?" Luigi asked
"Oh about 12,000 gold coins a year." The koopa turtle replied.
"Interesting." Mario smiled. "That's 5000 more what Peach pays the toads a year!"
"Plus we get health insurance! And pizza night on Thursdays!" the koopa went on.
"Oh…that's great. You getting all this, Luigi?"
"Every single bit!" Luigi, continued writing.
"Thanks for your time. Have a nice day!" Mario turned to Luigi. "C'mon we still got work to do!"
So Luigi and Mario went to the town and studied what kind of buildings that Bowser had.
"Look at that! They have a sushi bar!" Luigi pointed. "And a snooker club!
"And the library is so much bigger! Let me take some notes, Luigi!"
And so Mario took some notes on what the scenery was like. Bowser actually made sure that the town never went into ruin. And the two brothers asked the koopas some more questions. There were lower taxes, good clean cities. Mario couldn't believe his eyes he actually ran his town much better than Peach ran the mushroom kingdom. And it turned out after some more research on Peach's castle back home and at a look at a huge amount of sheets of paper. Mario was shocked at the sort of princess Peach had been. She had been a tax cheat, there were numerous complaints that she had been very lazy about. Like huge holes in the road, and she had been lazy about crime in the city. And the huge amount of pollution in the lakes.
It turns out she had been using tax money for her own selfish needs and it showed, when Mario looked at the huge amount of expensive clothing in her room.
"I don't believe it." Luigi snarled "She really isn't as innocent as she looks."
And so Mario and Luigi went home and prepared a speech to give out for the mushroom people, and gave out how Bowser actually cared for his village and people very well when he wasn't planning to take over the mushroom kingdom. That there actually was a good side to him! And after a long speech the people actually agreed to let Bowser take over the kingdom with no war or fighting whatsoever!
Mario rang the doorbell on the castle of Bowser to tell him that he had won. He had Luigi with him.
"Yes?" A koopa turtle butler asked.
"Hi! Can we speak to Bowser please?" Luigi asked.
"I'll take you to his room." Said the butler inviting them in. When Mario and Luigi entered his room he found him playing chess with Peach.
"Well! Well! The Mario Brothers! You'll wish you never came here!" Bowser snarled at them.
"Mario! Luigi! You made it! What took you two so long!" Peach snapped.
"Actually Bowser, this may come as a surprise to you, but you've won." Spoke Mario.
"What?" Bowser spoke raising an eyebrow.
"What!?" Peach snapped again.
"We've decided to hand our village over to you. You've won the battle, the mushroom kingdom is yours."
Bowser wiped away a tear of joy. "I don't know what to say."
"But Mario!" Peach pointed a finger at herself. "What about me?"
"What about you!" Mario snapped. "Aren't you forgetting that we broke up and even if we were still dating. You've been nothing but trouble ever since we dated! You have the most piss poor bad luck of all time! I've had to bust my balls 25 million times to rescue you, and what happens? You get kidnapped the next day! And not just by Bowser, but by plants, pirates, space aliens, huge goombas. The list goes on!"
"I can think of other enormous bad luck you have." Luigi offered. "Like how you got struck by lightening last week."
"And the time last month when you got food poisoning and had to go the hospital! Face it you're the most irresponsible, clumsy, weak, klutzy woman I know!" Mario finished. "It's an insult to women everywhere how you act! It's an even bigger insult to women then how big an insult we are to Italians! At least with King Bowser in charge, he won't get kidnapped and have a conversation for more than 5 minutes!"
"Got that right!" grinned Bowser.
And so Bowser took over the mushroom kingdom and surprisingly they lived happily ever after. Peach actually got married to Bowser, but Mario didn't mind just as long as he didn't have to do any more rescuing. The turtles and toads learned to live and respect each other and there was no more war with them. And Bowser helped liven up the mushroom kingdom turning it into a much happier place.
THE END TO OF ALL THE MARIO GAMES EVER MADE.