I'm not sure how to start this. There's just been so much that's been going on since I last wrote anything that I'm not sure I can even convey what is going on or what I'm feeling right now.
I imagine you're all relieved that I'm not dead, but that that relief fades away to utter frustration at the fact that I have not updated any of my stories in what seems like years.
The simplest thing for me to do would be to say I'm sorry. I won't make excuses, but I will go ahead and give you an explanation. You see, I believe there is a fine line but a very huge difference between making an excuse and offering an explanation.
So, here goes:
Since the last time I wrote to you guys, I had been hired at a local marketing/graphic design company, and I thought my career would only go up from there. However, either in late September or early October, something happened that I could never have predicted.
I had something of a mental breakdown.
Like many of you, I take trips into the web to see if I can find anything new and stimulating. On one such trip, I made a visit to a webcomic that I frequented since I was in high school. I saw one of the pieces of art that the artist had made on the side, and all of a sudden I just broke down. Everything I thought I knew about everything I hold dear had been flipped upside down and nothing made sense anymore. I could no longer see the truth.
After that happened, my work started to suffer, and I got into more and more trouble with my bosses. I started to close myself off from my family and friends. I spent more time in my bed than up and about, because in my bed was the only time I ever got a break from my woes. However, even that stopped being a safe haven for me, as more and more, I found myself waking up with the shakes, and the feeling of a great, big, empty, bottomless hole where my heart and stomach should have been.
I tried everything I could to get out of my slump. I started going to sleep more, hanging out with my friends as much as I could, went to a store to buy some sort of relaxing tea…I even remember one night that I spent with only a bottle of Captain Morgan Black Spiced Rum as my only company. I emptied that bottle and part of another before I finally broke down and cried myself to sleep.
I finally ended up telling my parents about it, all the while scared that they would reject me if they found out what was going on with me and why it was happening. You see, I kept it to myself not because I don't trust them. I wanted to. However, I cared too much about having them in my life to risk losing them. But my parents were actually unbelievably supportive. My mom told me to go to the local clinic and try to get myself on some kind of medicine. I saw a doctor who put me down on prescription for an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. He also scheduled me to see a therapist after new years. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas trying to get better and feeling like I worried my family over nothing; feeling ashamed of myself and feeling like I was ruining everyone else's time just by being there.
I am truthfully glad that I told my parents about what was going on. I'm fairly certain that if I'd kept it all to myself for much longer, I would be in the hospital right now – either on purpose or on accident.
In addition to my plight, I had also had something of a falling out with one of my friends sometime after my problem hit me. I had started hanging out with him and his girlfriend more and more, and they eventually introduced me to their kids. I ended up becoming something of a fun uncle whenever I hung with them. However, sometime down the line, my friend's girlfriend had said that she didn't like how cozy I was getting with her kids. A big misunderstanding ensued. I was hurt, my parents were angry, and my friend and his girlfriend panicked.
Eventually, we were able to work it out where I was able to see them both again and we were on good terms again. It turned out that they had only approached me regarding their kids because, while the two of them realize I meant nothing bad toward her kids, the rest of her family may not be so understanding. And that makes sense because I have met her mother and her sisters. Her mother and one of her sisters is alright, but the others can be real….I'm not even sure I'm allowed to say that here.
Anyway, with that solved, I went on a vacation with my parents. I had fun for a time, but all the free time on my hands meant more time for me to think about the problem I was having, which caused me to feel really uncomfortable all the time. Finally, I told my family that the whole vacation, I felt I was ruining it for them. They assured me that was false.
But my trouble didn't stop there. Once I got back from vacation, my bosses pulled me aside and said they were letting me go. I packed my stuff and left. I've only visited one time since then and never so much as set foot on their sidewalk.
The day I was let go bears the fortune of being the same day I saw my therapist for the first time.
Since I started seeing this therapist, I've been able to make sense of many of the problems I face. I started realizing what was wrong and how to deal with it. He has taught me to notice what I feel, and he has helped me find new ways for me to understand and cope with many of the challenges I'm facing.
And challenges I do face, because my therapist diagnosed me with Asperger syndrome.
For those of you who don't know, Asperger syndrome is a disorder that is on the autism spectrum. Essentially, I am the highest functioning form of an autistic patient. What this means is that my brain does not process information the same way you do. I guess the best way for me to explain it is to phrase it like this. You see, in one clever fanfic I read on this site, Pepper Potts said of Tony Stark, "Tony Stark may be a genius, but that doesn't make him smart." I would not call myself a genius, but I believe that the principle applies here nonetheless. I know a lot of things that I either have no business knowing, or that people would never guess I would know in a million years, but on the flipside, a lot of things that would seem obvious to you are not to me. Kind of like how Sherlock Holmes knows the names and types of every single fragment of dirt in London, but does not know that the Earth goes around the Sun.
In addition to the way I process information, I also have a tendency to hold onto things, whether they are things people have done to me that I need to let go of, or just some random conversation I had with someone years and years ago. And the killer thing is, I don't even do it on purpose. It just sits there and collects dust until I find it again. My condition also has the effect of making things in fiction seem more real to me than anything I encounter in real life. I took solace in fiction for a long time. Perhaps that's what drew me to writing my books, writing my fanfiction, or even to writing this announcement to all of you.
As you can probably guess, it has been hard on me. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I was screwing something up. Hell, I had a meltdown a few weeks ago in front of my parents. I wasn't understanding something and instead of being able to deal with it like I normally do, I just broke down crying right in front of them, damn near collapsing to the floor in sheer misery at not being able to just do things right.
But my parents assured me that I'm doing a good job and that they're very proud of me. I've grown to love them more than I have before just for that.
What my parents and my friends have helped me realize is that I'm sick, and I need to get better. That has to be my first priority other than finding a job. And in order for me to get better, I have to keep doing what I'm doing, i.e., going to therapy, applying for jobs, and just going about my business. And you know what? I count all of you as being part of my business.
I fully intend to come back to writing and I want to make sure that what I write is something that will satisfy all of you. I have my fanfictions that I would like to continue, the ones that I would like to re-write, which I have told you about already, and I have some new ideas that I would like to put into print as soon as I can.
But, you see, in order for me to decide what to do, I need to know what you all want. I would like to know what you think of my ideas so that I may put them into a satisfying format for you.
As you know, I plan to re-write Code: Insomnia, My Kingdom Hearts Adventures, and Fullmetal Titan, I have Code Lyoko: Eezo and Assassin's Creed: Elf Song on standby, in addition to the projects I would like to return to someday in collaboration with Dartz the Fire Demon, or whatever name he is going by now.
In addition to all of this, I have come up with a string of ideas for stories, heavily inspired by my newest kick: the Metal Gear Solid franchise. This is another side effect of my condition. Whenever I find something that catches my attention, I go overboard.
Anyhow, this newest kick has prompted some new ideas for stories. They would all be crossovers with Metal Gear Solid, and the ones I would like to look into crossing it with are Harry Potter, Elfen Lied, Code Lyoko, Elfen Lied, Cat Planet Cuties, Kingdom Hearts, and of course, My Kingdom Hearts Adventures.
Now, don't get me wrong. I do realize that some of these ideas can be strange and in some cases even laughable, but I do promise that I have a good premise behind my selections.
However, I will not divulge my full ideas here. If you would like to hear my ideas in full detail, please let me know. But before you do, I want you to tell me what you want to see from me in the near future.
In the meantime, while I wait for your responses, I will start working on my newest chapters for my stories, in addition to the work I have already started with my fiction books, and the new self-help book concept I have come up with.
Rest assured, readers, I have not left you behind, and I am still alive.
Your obedient servant,