Chapter 8: Feeling Better
Buffy looked nervous as she sat on the end of a bench in the cemetery. She sat sideways on the bench with one leg tucked under the opposite knee fidgeting with her hands. She was slightly chilled but knew that was because it was a chilly night, not because she was still sick.
She longed for the way she had felt when she was sick. She had felt so safe and comfortable with Spike and felt as though he would make the world right again. She wondered if that was just the fever talking or if she really felt that way and just never let it show.
Spike sat quietly not saying a word watching her. His legs were split on either side of the bench and he was smoking a cigarette. His eyes looked curious but still he said nothing as he watched her fidget obviously lost in thought. He finished his cigarette and was about to light another when Buffy finally spoke up, "Spike?"
Spike's eyes shot up to meet hers, "Yes luv?"
She frowned and wasn't sure how to voice her thoughts. She wished she could let him just tap in so she wouldn't have to say anything. Then he could see her confusion, see her feelings and help her make sense of them. She frowned even more as she declared, "Read my mind."
Spike laughed loudly, "Um if I could, I would have already pet. You drive me up a bloody wall with your hot and cold. I'd love to know once and for all which was the act. Was the warm loving side of Buffy who seems to give a rat's ass about me, the real feelings or was the cold, calculated Buffy who only cared about herself, the real feelings."
Buffy eyed him a little insulted but knew he had a slight point. Just not one she wanted to verbally acknowledge so instead she tried again, "I'm confused."
Spike nodded saying nothing letting her get it out. He knew her well enough that if he was silent long enough she would talk. She just was a person who needed time to get her thoughts together and by pushing her before she was ready, you ended up with results such as kicking and punching and anything else physical rather than verbal. Buffy glanced up into his blue eyes, "You confuse me."
Spike grinned, "It's mutual."
Buffy sighed thinking that wasn't a help at all so she tried again, "One minute you seem human and the next you seem vampire. One minute you're sweet and loving, and the next you are full of hatred. You kill yet save. You drink blood and eat human food. You write poetry about love and murder."
She clinched her hands together as she said, "You love me yet vampires aren't supposed to love. You'd die for me and not even Xander would do that. You're everything I'm supposed to hate and yet I don't. What am I supposed to do about it?"
Tears fell from her eyes as Spike glanced over at her. He had no idea what to say. This was his crumb, the little smidgen of hope he had asked for and yet it seemed so wrong this way. He didn't say anything because he was fighting the urge to run away like the ponce William was. This was ripping him apart. She sighed, "Tell me something, William. If you had no chip, what would be the first thing you would do?"
Spike looked at her searching for what she wanted to hear and seeing just tears and no hints he ventured, "Right now?"
She nodded biting her lower lip and he replied, "Honestly? I don't rightly know. I can't feed anymore and I don't really miss it. I don't wish to kill humans anymore as you guys are…"
Buffy offered, "Friends?"
Spike agreed, "Some are. Some are more than that. I guess my life wouldn't change much at this point. I'd be able to punch Xander if he deserved it. I could defend myself against blokes who wished to hurt me but other than that, nothing would change."
Buffy nodded, "You could hurt me yet you don't. That confuses me."
Spike still had no idea what to say and Buffy finally stood up, "If we tried this thing for real…"
Spike looked hopeful, "Try what for real? Like you and I?"
Buffy nodded re-biting her lower lip. She had bitten it so much in the last few minutes she felt as though se would bleed. She paced as she spoke, "Everyone knows about us. I like spending time with you, Dawn and Tara and Anya don't seem to be against it. Xander and Willow I'm guessing will come around. Perhaps even Giles will come around as well as Angel but what does that mean for me? Does that mean I kill good vampires everyday?"
Spike shook his head as he turned around putting a hand on either side of her bracing her by her elbows as he gently shook her, "NO Buffy. You kill evil blood sucking vampires who have no cares in the world. I'm in love with you. I'd do anything for you."
He felt a presence behind him and saw a vampire and lunged at him grapping him around the neck as he asked, "Vampire, what do you want to do right now? If I let you go, what would you do?"
The vampire shrugged saying, "Bite her?"
He pointed towards Buffy and Spike nodded, "Well here I am, I'm free, I've tasted your blood Buffy and do you see me biting you?"
Spike jammed the vampire up against the tree behind the bench, "What else do you think about doing?"
The vampire replied without hesitation, "Eating, drinking, killing."
Spike smirked, "Sex?"
The vampire nodded his head liking the fact he was still alive, "Sex is great as well. I might even fuck her before I bite her."
Spike growled but ignored the comment already deciding he must die, "So if you knew the world would end today unless you helped the slayer, would you do it?"
The vampire laughed out loud, "No."
Spike shrugged and snapped the vampire's neck wiping the dust from his hands as he explained, "I'm one of a kind Buffy. Angelus always said Dru did the job wrong. She forgot something that would make me less human. I dismissed it but I think he's right. Why else would I be content with my life?"
Buffy looked up at him meeting his eyes with tears in her eyes. She flung her arms around his neck as she pleaded, "You won't leave me right? You won't leave me like Angel, Riley and Parker did and even my dad did. You won't disappear right when I need you the most right?"
Spike shook his head, "Nah I'm here as long as you want me to be and probably even longer than that. This is my home with you even if you don't want me."
Buffy nodded whispering against his ear, " I don't want you to go with Angel. I want and need you here with me….I'll try the dating thing even though I'm just going to warn you, I suck at it. My relationships always end badly and with the guy leaving."
Spike chuckled, "Well I'm not leaving so tough luck on keeping that reputation."
Buffy grinned as Spike picked her up and twirled her around, "Sod my own reputation. I'm DATING BUFFY SUMMERS!"
He glanced seeing a vampire approaching and he pulled a stake from Buffy's coat and tossed it hitting the vampire square in the chest as he exclaimed, "AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME!"
Buffy laughed placing a kiss on his lips as she stated, "I think this will work."
Spike beamed at her, "I think so too pet. So where would you like to go on our first date?"
Buffy giggled as she suggested, "How about to bed? I'm exhausted still."
Spike picked her up carrying her in the direction of his crypt as she shook her head, "No my bed…it's time you were let in completely."
Spike smiled so grateful for her being sick as he walked in the direction of her house knowing he would be finally accepted in.