Mambo No. 5
by Ticcy

Cytherea or Tianna Lynn: The Porn World's Most Famous Squirters.

House has never liked squirt porn. But he has watched it. Does watch it. On occasion.

The whole squirting thing is a crock of shit. He's a doctor. He'd know.

But that's never stopped him from being intrigued.

He sits on his couch, laptop on the coffee table, and cocks his head to the side with a slightly incredulous frown as another explosion of dubiously urea-like fluid sprays out from between Cytherea's thighs like a malfunctioning garden sprinkler.

No, he decides, wrinkling his face as flecks of this suspicious fluid splashes onto the camera lens that had filmed the scene. Not sexy. Or hot.

...but still intriguing.

Carmen Electra, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek (especially Salma Hayek), Lucy Liu... The A-List Of Hot Babes Goes On.

Hey. A guy can dream, right? Preferably wet ones.

Lisa Cuddy, The Woman Whose Vagina Surprisingly Doesn't Have Teeth (At Least, Not The Last Time House Checked, Though Times Can Change).

He's been there. Tapped that. Got the t-shirt. The one that says, "I tapped my boss and all I got was a lousy threat she'll give me a spinal tap if I don't do my clinic hours."

Well. That's the joke he makes out of it, anyway.

He has tapped that. Once. And it wasn't by any means a bad lay.

Which is kinda the problem. Would've been way easier if it was a bad lay because cracking jokes about it would be a lot easier. Nothing to lose or miss out on, or hope for a second time, if it sucks, right?


Except it's not so much the idea of it happening again that House is scared of, but the idea of it not happening again. Rejection and House have never mixed well together. Especially when he's rejected by someone who means---


Let's just stick with calling it a lousy t-shirt, he decides firmly to himself. Because then he can crack jokes about Cuddy and wet t-shirt competitions.

Cracking jokes is definitely much easier than admitting what he really wants.

That Hooker Whose Name House Can't Recall (Did She Even Tell Him What Her Name Was?).


That hooker was a bad idea. Way overpriced, too.

House definitely didn't pay over a hundred bucks just to get teeth marks on his penis during a blowjob.

That Other Hooker Whose Name House Can't Recall, But Boy, Did She Have Great Tits.

She had really great tits.

And the whole reverse cowgirl thing she did with him was enough to make House feel like a stud, at least until the afterglow of orgasm had faded to black.

Oh yeah, she was hot. Worth every penny.

Penny, House suddenly remembers. Her name was Penny. Penny with the fantastic tits.

He makes a mental note of her name and decides he'll see if he can get her services again sometime in the future.

Crandall's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (House Can't Remember Her Name, Either).

So, maybe seducing his pal's girlfriend was a little low of him.

But, hey. It was a noble gesture. House had come to his friend's rescue, stopped Crandall from tying the knot with some needy, manipulative chick. She gave pretty bad blowjobs, too. So, Crandall really wasn't missing out on much, even if she was something of a looker.

Okay, maybe not so noble. House has always felt a bit guilty about what he did there.

But just a bit. She was nuts, after all.

Lisa Cuddy. Again. Probably Now With Extra Teeth.

No, he really has only tapped that once.

And no, he has no intention of tapping that again. Tapping Cuddy would earn him a spinal tap in the end. Physically, knowing Cuddy and her crazed moments of wanting to have his balls mounted on a plaque in her office. And emotionally. He knows he'd no doubt return the favour. Mutual spinal tapping. Not pretty.


That doesn't stop him entertaining the idea of it every now and again.

Cameron. And Thirteen. And Cameron And Thirteen Together. And Maybe Cuddy Thrown In There, Too, For Extra Lesbian Hot (Minus Vaginal Teeth Would Be Preferable).

Cameron's pretty. House has always thought that. Sometimes, she's drop dead gorgeous.

As for Thirteen - she's pretty hot herself. And House has always had a fascination with girl-on-girl action.

But House knows how that would end. Cameron would get attached. House likes people getting attached to him about as much as he likes leeches attaching themselves to him. Besides, she's already attached. Chase is either very lucky or very tolerant.

As for Thirteen...

Nah. Wouldn't work. At all.

Wilson, The Great Enabler.

What was he thinking?

No, really.

Don't ask.

Stacy. God, Stacy.

Probably the second biggest mistake House ever made with Stacy was telling her he didn't want her to leave.

Everything about her had been so familiar. Her scent. Her hands. Her lips against his mouth and his throat and chest, and around his penis. Her voice low and loving in his ear. The way her body had arched underneath him.

The biggest mistake he made was whispering against the shell of her ear as they lay in a tangle of sweaty limbs, "I missed you". She'd smiled, touched his cheek and pressed kisses to his lips, murmuring, "I missed you, too, Greg. So much."

Telling her to leave...

House doesn't like to think about it. At all.

Yeah, definitely his biggest mistake.