Disclaimer: Don't own anything
Warnings: This is Slash, McShep to be exact, so turn around if that's not your thing.
A/N: Sorry but this is NOT the promised sequel!!! This is a tag for Ship of Fools! Or maybe a bridge between SoF and the still unnamed sequel!? Anyway, this story plays circa 2 weeks after the events of SoF! Hope you'll enjoy and leave some reviews!^^
Not betaed, so mistakes are fair game!
There are some nights when I just can't fall asleep, no matter how exhausted I am.
In the majority of cases I can blame my big brain for that. It's one of the disadvantages of being a genius. Your mind won't calm down, no matter what you do. It works against you and throws problems and questions at you and demands solutions and answers. My mind is fully active during such nights while my body is barely able to hold it together.
It's the main reason why I only sleep three to four hours a night. Everyone assumes that I don't need more but the ugly truth is, I can't sleep much longer. My brain won't let me and my body has resigned a couple of years ago.
I got used to it so it never really bothered me. Two weeks ago I would have paced the room or worked on my laptop on a new project to keep my mind occupied, but I can't do that now. Well, I could obviously, since these are still my quarters, but I shouldn't. Not if I don't want to wake the man besides me.
I look to my right and there he is; Colonel John Sheppard, my friend, teammate and since a couple of weeks also my lover. I blush fiercely and grin from ear to ear at the thought. I am just grateful that John is sound asleep right now and can't see me. That would be so embarrassing!
He is lying on his side, facing me. I can feel his body heat since the bed is only made for one person and we have to, literally, huggle together. John has fallen out of bed a few times and blamed me and my restless sleep but I think he's just clumsy.
I watch him for a few minutes and I am once again amazed how utterly still he is when he sleeps. He doesn't snore (Thank God!) and once he finds a position that he's comfortable with, he stays like that the whole night. John only moves when he's awake, otherwise he is totally motionless.
The first time I had one of my sleepless nights and watched him I nearly freaked out and called Carson. I hadn't been able to see him breath in the dim light and had shaken him frantically until he had finally woken up, grumpy and pissed. John had laughed at me the next morning and I had punched him for scaring me like that, although it hadn't been his fault at all.
John doesn't always sleep here, but more often than not. I guess it's because of my nightmares. I don't have them often, maybe once or twice a week, but when I have them, they are rather vivid. Probably because they are memories, rather than actual nightmares.
Jackson is gone and I know that, but he's still invading my dreams from time to time. It got better over the last two weeks but I'm rather embarrassed that I can't seem to forget this little unpleasant incident. It's not like he actually raped me right? But I always think that he wanted to and that he only couldn't do it because John interrupted him. Sometimes, in my dreams, John doesn't find us. He just doesn't come although I scream his name over and over. Those are the worst and I always wake up covered in sweat and breathing like I've just run a marathon.
John is always wide awake when I jolt up, ready to put his arms around me and to whisper reassuring words. I wonder if I'm trashing and screaming in my sleep or whether he just somehow knows when it's time to wake up to comfort the shaking scientist.
Heightmeyer says that those nightmare will disappear over time when I talk about them, but I think that John's presence is better than any session that the doctor and me could have.
After a nightmare I tend to cling to John like I'm afraid that he will disappear if I let go. He never makes fun of me or tells me to get over it, but holds me and kisses me until I fall asleep again.
It's never more than kisses and touches though.
Sex hadn't been a topic yet. I don't know why, but I think that John is waiting for me to make the first move, that he doesn't want to force me into something before I'm ready.
It's comforting but also really frustrating. Sometimes I wish that John would just throw me on the bed one day and demand sex. I would give it to him. I wouldn't push him away or clam up because I'm too traumatized over the incident with Jackson. God, I wanted John ever since I met him, and that hasn't changed one bit.
But I just can't seem to bring myself to make the first move. It was always one of my weaknesses, even as a little kid.
I remember how I once almost drowned in our pool. I must have been ten years old and I couldn't even go near that damn thing the rest of the summer. I really wanted to swim with Jeannie, especially when I saw how much fun she had, but I just never could bring myself to step into the water on my own. One day, Jeannie had sneaked up to me when I was longingly staring into the water and just shoved me into the damn thing. I had bitched and screamed and not spoken with her for the next couple of days. Secretly though, I had been really grateful. It was all that I had needed, a little shove.
I wish that John would push me a little bit but he's too understanding for that. He won't risk it and it's understanding. After all, it would be his first time too. With a man, that is.
I guess I'll have to work this out myself. I'm actually okay with the slow pace we're taking right now, we have to be careful after all, but sometimes I'm not sure if John is okay with it as well...
John shifts beside me and although I know that it means that he's awake, his voice startles me when he asks: "Rodney? Is everything alright?"
I turn my head and see that John is awake and staring at me. I just hope that I didn't wake him.
"Yeah. Just can't sleep, that's all."
He looks at me for a long moment and I begin to blush under the intense stare until he lifts an arm in invitation and beckons me over. "C'mere."
I fight a surge of envy while I scoot over into his arms. John is acting so damn relaxed and natural about our relationship that you would think that he's the one who has been bi since his teenage years and not me. I'm still not able to kiss him without acting all flustered and jittery.
He maneuvers me until I'm lying half on top of him, with my head resting on his shoulder. I don't know why he likes that position so much. I must be really heavy and it has to be uncomfortable for him, but he never complains about it.
His hand begins to run circles on my back and I close my eyes and listen to John's breathing.
I merely hum in reply, already on the brink of sleep.
John sounds sleepy but happy. He always does when we are lying together like this and in those moments all my qualms are disappearing and I just enjoy the feeling of his skin under my hand.
He takes my hand and kisses it lightly before we intertwine our fingers.
I know that we will wake up like this in the morning, because John never moves when he sleeps and because he won't let go of my hand until he's awake. The thought is accompanied by a wide yawn.
And that's when I'm finally able to fall asleep.
"Part Two: John Sheppard" is coming soon!
Tell me what you think. :)