I couldn't believe he did what he did. Even though I slept it off, I was still so angry. I hadn't been able to sleep for hours. I didn't understand the whole physical contact no-no bullshit. I mean I wasn't a fragile little full-human, I wasn't as breakable as he thought. I mean the way I looked at it is, if its my time to go, I definitely wouldn't mind my last moments to be being touched and pleased by Edward. But unfortunately I doubted he would see it that way. All I wanted was alittle attention, we didn't even have to have sex, I wasn't sure I was ready for that anyways but he went and flipped for no reason.
He had let me sleep in his room without coming to check on me. In a sense I was glad because I was never big on needing someone to run after me when I stormed off. But when it came to Edward, I always wanted more attention than usual and kinda hoped he would've come after me.
I smelled some food, thought maybe pancakes, sausage, bacon and eggs. Sounded good to me but I was alittle embarrassed to go downstairs after everything that had happened last night.
But like always, by hunger always dominated any other feeling I ever felt, so I went downstairs.
Esme and Carlisle were at the kitchen table reading todays newspaper. Both looking very intrigued by what they were reading. Rosalie was coming down the hall from the backyard and going into the living room. Alice was cooking breakfast, which I had been completely right on everything she was making. I couldn't find Jasper, Emmett and Edward.
''Smells good Alice.'' I said.
''Thank you very much hun.'' Alice replied, basically answering before I even finished my statement. These vamps had a very quick thought process apparently.
''Eggs, bacon, sausage and pancakes I suppose.'' I said, conceitedly.
''Exactly.'' She smiled at me while scrambling my eggs.
I walked passed the kitchen table, saying good morning to Carlisle and Esme, to stand near Alice. The one I always seemed most comfortable around.
''So um where are Emmett, Jasper and Edward?'' I asked, alittle shy. Not knowing if I sounded desperate or if it was normal to want to know where your guy is every second.
''They are out in the mountains. Hunting.'' Alice said with the most innocent high pitch voice.
''Oh. Last night wasn't what triggered this hunting trip is it?'' I asked, thinking maybe him being very thirsty was why he freaked on me. Maybe he needed this, maybe we could be closer now, or I was probably just getting my hopes up.
''In a sense, yes.'' Alice said, again in a very animated voice.
''Oh. I hate causing all these problems.'' I said as I leaned on the counter.
''Don't, its okay. They needed their guy time.''
''Oh.'' Is all I said. My pride was alittle hurt. Was I becoming the girl in this relationship? I mean come on, hes the one who turned down sex, he should be the girl. Fuck that.
''I don't know. I just feel like he went just to complain about me or something.''
''No. Thats definitely not it. They do this alot. They get to have their sex talks and vent to each other but from what ive seen,'' She said winking. ''the talks haven't ever been a girl bashing on us so I doubt they'd start just cause you're here.''
''Yeah thats true.'' I said turning to Carlisle. ''How come you didn't go with them Carlisle?''
''Well as Alice said they usually go to have their sex talks and things like that. Usually I know when they plan on having these talks and prefer them to come to me personally about this stuff and plus I haven't had much of a thirst problem since you've been here.'' Carlisle said turning from his newspaper.
''Oh ok. Yeah I kinda thought that was why but wasn't sure.'' I said giggling. I turned back to Alice, while Carlisle turned to his newspaper. ''So how annoyed is he by me, did I irritate him by coming on so strong?''
''I don't think so dear. I mean you are a boy, a teenage boy at that. Hes known since day one he was gonna have to deal with this. He probably just didn't imagine id be so hard to resist. He was more annoyed by himself that he couldn't give you what you wanted.''
''So he talked to you about it?''
''Uh no.'' She said putting her fingers over her mouth and smiling. ''I over heard but he realized I was listening and didn't care but anyways yeah. Hes just disappointed with the situation. He wishes he could give in to temptation completely or resist it completely. Hes caught in the middle.''
''Yeah, I do understand that. I don't want him to be upset with himself, I mean he didn't have to throw me against the wall but what else should I expect from someone with superstrengh.''
''Hmph. well don't blame yourself either hun. Its no ones fault. you guys are in a complicated situation and the odds are always gonna be against you..''
Esme cut her off. ''Alice, hunny. Don't you think maybe him and Edward should have this conversation.''
''This is very true. I wouldn't wanna say too much.'' She said, smiling and winking at me. ''He tends to have alittle bit of a temper when people meddle but meddling is my middle name, I cant help myself.''
After my little talk with Alice, the food was done shortly after. The food was amazing. they could really cook for people who didn't eat.
After dinner I went back upstairs to my new room. I sat and for about an hour by myself. Edward was home alittle after that.
He knocked on the door. I found it funny that he was knocking on his own bedroom door.
''Come in.'' I said quietly, knowing he could hear.
He opened the door and looked up at me quickly. After he closed it he was walking slow, even for a human.
Was he nervous?
''Hi Babe.'' He said leaning against the same wall he threw me against.
''Hey. You can come over here you know.'' I said.
He came over and sat on the opposite end of the couch as me. ''Um how are you?''
''I'm fine. Its whatever. I shouldn't have overstepped my boundaries.''
''Why are you apologizing. I messed up. I threw you when all you were is what every other person in the world needs from the person they're with.''
''Well we aren't other people. I shouldve known. you've told me before.''
''Stop. theres no excuses for what I did. I should have handled it different.''
''Yeah you definitely should have.'' I said with attitude. ''I wasn't going to rape you, you could have just told me to stop.''
''I know but I didn't .. want you too.''
''Um okay. Well.... I don't know what to say to that.''
''I know, im not expecting you to say anything... I just need you to know, the sex cant happen. And if by some chance I ever give in and think its safe, it wont be for a while. If you don't want to be with me then thats fine but im telling you Jacob, it cant happen.''
My heart dropped, although I did love him, I was IN love with him, I couldn't lie to myself and act like the sexual stuff wasn't important. Everytime I was even around him, I wanted to pounce. My heart races to the point of exploding when hes within touching distance and the excitement and pure adrenaline rush I felt being so close to him last night made me think I couldn't handle the no contact rule. I was not a pig. It wasn't about thinking everything was about sex, it was the fact that I truly had the hardest time controlling my urges around him. He did things to me inside that no one had ever done. I'd kissed girls.. and stuff but there was never true thrill about it. Nothing that went beyond just normal horniness. Being around Edward drove my mind and my heart and my body truly insane. I felt like my sexual frustration, for Edward and Edward only, was going to fuck with my head. It literally made my stomach hurt and my mind to dwell everytime he was close and then gone.
''Oh.'' Was all my disappointed mind could give to my mouth.
''I know thats hard for you. Trust me, I want you more than you know. But.. I want you.. alive more than I would to make love to you.''
When he said things like that it always shocked me alittle. He truly believed he could kill me. My stubborn self never bought that. ''Well I want to have sex with you more than I want to be alive.''
As I said the words I realized how serious I actually was. I needed him to be mine, in every form, emotionally, mentally, physically, romantically.. and sexually. I assumed Edward felt the truth to it too. ''Its really that important to you?''
''Yes.'' I sighed, while looking down. ''I mean I can wait.. but only for so long Edward. I need you so bad.'' I was close to pleading with him.
''Don't you just want to be with me?'' He asked. And now I realized I was hurting him. I hadn't thought he would ever think I was just wanting him for my own personal pleasure. But from the tone in his voice, that clearly was the case.
''Edward.'' I scooted to him. ''Of course. But the passion and pure excitement I feel being near you, its truly hard for me to believe id be able to control my self and behave.''
''I understand. I feel the same way. But more than how gorgeous and sexy I find you, I love you. I would never risk hurting you just to give in to a silly human temptation.''
''Its not silly. Its natural.'' I said, almost offended.
''I got that. But ive gone one hundred years without it. I'm sure you'll be fine.''
''Edward. You have been distracted and you didn't have your mate. So of course it was easier. I am human, somewhat, and have certain human needs. And I have my mate, right here, within my reach and im told no.''
''I know Jake. But we have time. I'm not going anywhere. So unless you decide to leave me, we'll have forever together.''
''What if I died tomorrow and you lost your one and only chance to have sex with your true love.'' As I said that he looked pretty upset.
''Don't say things like that. Nothing's gonna happen to you Jake. And what if I take that chance to be with you and then you die anyway.''
''Stop Edy. You wont hurt me.'' I was touching his face, he flinched alittle. ''I'm alot stronger than you think.'' I bit my lip.
''Jake stop. This isn't gonna happen. Thats final.'' He got up and walked out.
''You are such alittle bitch Edward.'' I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do with myself.
I went downstairs and stormed out the back door. All eyes on me. As soon as I got a couple steps outside the house I felt my whole body explode. I only saw red, my heart was pounding faster than humanly possible. I fell down to all four and I picked up speed. I jumped halfway through the river and landed on a rock with my front legs, then quickly switched to stand up on the rock on my back legs to launch myself across the rest of the river.
I started running as fast as I could until even my wolf side got tired. I realized I was basically at the tip on one of the mountains that was located miles from the Cullen's house. I layed there sprawled out enjoying being in this body without voices squawking orders and asking questions. And I definitely was relieved to be without Leah's jealous bitching and revenge stories.
I felt calm but my mind didn't know how to be distracted that long. I started thinking, what if this guy makes me wait years? Decades? What if I died before I ever lost my virginity? I couldn't do it, I was not a sex crazed teenager, if I was I woulda lost it to some random girl from school at a house party. I had morals, I only wanted it with Edward, but the problem was I wanted it more than anything.
Then I started thinking, what if we did have sex and he did actually hurt me. Would I still want to be with him? Could I actually forgive him and understand like I think I would? I wasn't sure. I did remember the reaction to just kissing, imagine how he would react if we were naked, whole bodies touching and rubbing, inside of each other, getting excited and riled up.
I eventually gave up on that thought, I wasn't in the mood to be reasonable. I wanted to be angry, I tended to be more stubborn in my wolf body. I then started to use my time thinking about everything that happened in the past couple days, weeks. There was no doubt that Edward was meant to be mine. I knew with all my heart, mind, body and soul that he was my soul mate. But I wanted to have my mate, my family and my friends. Would I ever get my pack back? And even if I did would there ever be that true bond? Would things be the same and would there be any trust or forgiveness?
Ugh I was done with that too. I started getting emotional. After about an hour of lounging in the forest, thinking about my life and a couple minute distraction thanks to a funny looking bird, I heard a noise coming from the bushes to the above and to the left of where I was laying. I rolled over onto my side and looked int he exact direction it was coming from because then out popped Jasper. Jasper? Me and him barely ever talked and they sent him to come after me, odd.
I attempted to ask why he was here but, forgetting I wasn't in my form form, it came out a weird whimpering, howling sound.
''Um Jake, that is you right?'' He said, chuckling.
I just nodded this time.
''Do you want me to leave?'' He asked.
I threw my head back and forth, I wasn't sure why I did want him to stay so bad. Maybe I subconsciously wanted someone to come after me and talk to me, I wasn't sure.
''Does that mean no?'' He was chuckling again.
I shook my head 'yes', not as over the top as my 'no'. I was now up on all fours, tapping the ground with my paw, letting him know I wanted him to stay. My tail was even wagging. That got another laugh out of him.
''Hmm, not as angry as Edward said you'd be.'' I rolled my as at the mention of his name. ''Thats good... Well I brought you some of Emmett's baggy shorts. Didn't think you'd wanna have a conversation naked? Am I right?'' He was giggling now. I had never seen him laugh so much.
I walked over to him and took the shorts in my mouth and ran to the bushes. I calmed myself down, focused on wanting to go back and eventually changed back to human. It still took a couple tries to get myself back. I wasn't great at it yet.
I went back to where I was laying and Jasper was standing there in an army stance. Jasper was always so uptight, I wanted him to relax and chill out.
I sat down and looked at him wondering why he was still friggin standing. ''Come here.'' I tapped on the ground. ''I don't feel like standing.''
He nodded and sat next to me. ''So Jake.. whats wrong buddy?''
''Edward didn't tell you?''
''He stormed off too. Just opposite direction.''
''Oh.'' I was alittle disappointed, I kinda thought maybe he was worried about me and sent someone to find me. ''So Edward wasn't who made you come?''
He looked alittle offended. ''No one made me come Jacob.''
''Oh. Well I just didn't think.. that. I don't know.''
''That i'd care?''
''Yea I guess. You and Rosalie, especially, don't seem to be a part of my fan club.''
''We're not.'' He giggled. ''We're, or at least i'm just concerned about your safety.. and ours, im not gonna lie.''
''Why wouldn't you guys be safe?''
''Well now we do have your pack most likely planning some revenge. We have you and Bella who know our secrets, the Volturi don't like mortals to know about us...''
''Edward mentioned the Volturi once and I already knew who you guys were. When I first changed, they told me why we become like this, my dad said it happens when vampires are here and you guys have been here since Sam first changed.''
''Well yes, that is true but for all you knew it was your dad blowing smoke up your ass. And that doesn't excuse you telling Bella.''
''I'm sorry about that.'' I felt so ashamed telling their secret. Were they all that mad that Bella knew?
''Its fine Jake. You didn't know it had to be a secret. But form now on, no one else can know who we are and if anymore people find out, the volturi will most likely find some way to find out and we will have to leave... without you Jake.''
''Oh.'' I never thought of that.
''Anyways. I didn't come here to lecture you. Just want you to know that my attitude isn't about not liking you, its scared for my family.. and you. But I just wanted to see how you are doing.. being here and what happened the past couple days.''
''Well I could be doing better, we'll leave it at that.''
''Oh I know this. I basically know exactly know you are feeling.'' He said smiling with a wink. ''But I wanted to hear you explain it and get it off your chest.''
''You don't have to. I'm not normally a nosey person. Tell me to go mind my business and ill leave Jake.''
''No no. Its just that I don't usually talk about my feelings and shit. Its just not my style.''
He made a face and nodded. ''I feel you on that. I'm not a man of expression either.''
''Yeah. Its just, why tell someone something if theres nothing they can do about it. Might as well just keep it to yourself.''
''That is understandable but I can just offer some advice. Cant make your troubles go away but we can still talk about them and figure something out. Maybe ill even help you understand what Edward is going through.''
''What could he possibly be going through. He's got me, hes got his family, hes got tons of money. He can gets whatever he wants with the bat of an eyelash and smile. I don't understand what could possibly be wrong in his life Jazz.''
''Is that truly how you feel?'' He scrunched his eyebrows together, shocked and I just nodded, yes. ''Well you're wrong Jake. I know things are alot harder for you right now, with being in a house you are not used to, around people who not all of them have warmed up to you, you lost your friends and maybe family. And in your head you're feeling rejected by Edward.'' I was surprised he knew that... oh wait nevermind, he had 'abilities' to call us all out on our fronts. ''I'm very sorry you feel that way but you are very wrong about Edward having nothing to worry about.''
''Do you know how hard it is for him to be away from you?''
''He's the one who pushed me away.''
''Okay Jake, can you put sex out of your mind for one second please and listen. He's very conflicted right now. His head says one thing and his heart says another. He wants so badly to give you everything you want, everything you need and he wants to be able to fix things for you and make you happy. But hes very, very scared on multiple levels for many reasons. He loves you so much, words cant explain. I sense a stronger bond between the 2 of you then I do between any of the others, well besides me and Alice.'' He said laughing. ''As much as he loves you is as much as he wants to protect you and keep you safe but in his mind, he's the one you should be protected from. He is very scared to hurt you, he would not be able to go on living if something happened to you, especially if he was the cause.''
''I know but how does he know he'll hurt me?''
''Jake, I think you are one of those people who thinks you are invincible, unbreakable. Don't deny it, I know it. You are a typical human who doesn't believe anything bad will happen to them. Or just doesn't worry about it until its too late. He has kept himself very composed around you. He's made sure you weren't around when we were hunting, when we weren't in good moods, when we were thirsty. You haven't seen the negative side of being what we are. You've seen the glam side, the money, the popularity, the beauty, you haven't seen how ugly and scary this life can be.''
My mind was racing. It was hard to imagine these very nice, polite - with one exception - people being anything close to ugly and scary, especially Edward.
''I mean even what Edward did last night will eat at him for ever. Whether your dead or alive, whether your together or not. He will remember last night for the rest of his existence and hate himself for it and that wasn't even an ounce of the damage we could do when we aren't under control.''
''I know Jasper. But if its meant to happen, its meant to happen.''
''You cant think of life that way. You have to think of life as one big test. Testing your strength, testing your temptation, testing your morals. Life isn't scripted okay, things are thrown at us to see how we deal and if the way you deal is, okay ill put myself in danger and if the almighty above doesn't think its my time then ill be fine. And thats fine in a sense to be so strong in your beliefs but you cant be sure of anything. What if it wasn't your time to go but you didn't even try to fix it, maybe god works differently than you think and you giving up is you failing your test.''
We were both silent, I truly thought about everything he just said. Jasper was very wise and made way to much sense.
''I didn't want to get into religion or anything. Cause thats always subject to opinion and faith but lets think about what you said in a more logical and realistic sense. Do you know what you would do to Edward if something happened to you?''
I shook my head.
''No. You still don't believe he truly wants to be with you forever. You are a typical human who is insecure about love and doesn't know if someone can truly want them unconditionally. You think he'll move on, maybe be heartbroken for a couple years and find someone else. Well you are more wrong then you know. Do you see how easily I am reading you and you know ive been right about everything else. Do you even know how much more sensitive I am to his feelings. I could tell you more about hows hes feeling right now then he could.''
He was right about everything he said about me, I truly wasn't sure if Edward loved me like I loved him. I wanted to know exactly how Edward felt but I also wanted to hear it from Edward. But if I hadn't truly believed him yet, how would I ever. Maybe I needed someone from third party letting me know how it is.
''Edward is beyond in love with you. Like I said, ive truly never sensed a stronger connection then between you too. Definitely not any humans have come close and not even anyone in my family has as strong of a bond and thats saying alot. Edward is basically incomplete without you. Hes been very distance and very.. broken since ive met him. Ive never seen true happiness or excitement wash through his body for anyone or anything. He's been truly incomplete without you. But when he met you, man let me tell you. It was like a blind person seeing for the first time and not only seeing anything, seeing the friggin sun for the first time. Something lit up and it almost seemed literally, liked something lit up inside his body, like he actually felt life and thrill for the first time. Yes it got alittle clouded with his shock and confusion over it being you he felt this for but that light still showed in his face even when he was concerned.
''Anyone in my family will agree with me but I just have the actually ability to confirm what they think.'' He laughed.
''So like how imprinting is for my kind, is.. like how he felt for me?''
''Um I don't know exactly what imprinting is. I know its like love at first sight but is that all?''
''Um yes but its undeniable. We have the extra sense to know thats our mate and not just hope. Almost like someone comes down from heaven and says 'this is your soul mate'. Your change for them, you do anything for them, you'd fight for them, die for them. Its just like being the same person in 2 bodies.''
He smiled. ''Well then yes, thats how he felt. And from what im sensing, you weren't taught that explanation were. You've figured that out yourself huh.''
I blushed. I never had believed in imprinting when it happened with Sam and Emily, I just figured they got lucky. ''Yeah. That kinda just spilled out.''
He smiled. ''Yes. Thats what happened when I found Alice.'' He looked down at the ground and sighed.
''Yea even though you guys are very nonchalant about your relationship. I can see how much you guys love each other.''
''We definitely do. We don't need to flaunt our love. No diss to Emmett and Rosalie, thats just there personality. But I feel love is personal, its between the 2 of you. No one needs to witness it. I mean trust me I understand not being able to control it. Theres times where I just want to take Alice away form you guys and just... you know.'' He sighed.
''Ha ha. Yeah. You are just lucky you actually have that as an option.'' I giggled but he saw through my 'joke'.
''Jake. listen I know its tough. Yes me and Alice and the other even got lucky. We found someone who was equal to us... in strength.'' He quickly made sure I understood the last part and didn't get offended. ''Someone who would be able to hold there own, someone who really couldn't be harmed and even us guy's cases, the girls could harm us just as easily, so its always fair. But Jake you are human, maybe only half but you are. You have a heartbeat, you can die. And We are basically unbreakable. Theres only one way we can die..''
I thought he was about to finish but I didn't really care about that at this point.
''Listen Jake. I'm going to tell you a secret. Its very hard for me to talk about but it needs to be said.''
I was scared at what it would be about.
''Okay way back, before this family, before Alice. I had a different life, I didn't .. um .. preserve humans the way we do now.''
''You've killed people?''
''Yes Jake. And the only ones who haven't are Alice and Carlisle.''
My heart sank.. Edward.. Edward had killed people?
''I'm sorry that wsnt my business to tell.'' He looked ashamed.
''Its okay. I wont say anything.''
''Its okay Jake. I made the mistake, if you feel the need to mention it, ill take blame, plus Edward will know as soon as hes around me. Thats not the point right now. I had been involved with a human once. When I thought I was under control. I thought she was beautiful and shockingly didn't want to... make her dinner. I liked this human, she was interesting. I wasn't in love, I was in lust. She was gorgeous, with a very amazing body. One night, we.. got close. We were kissing, I was alittle anxious but I was fine. We started touching, the excitement was becoming more but I thought of it as.. well normal. We got ...undressed together and I was becoming very nervous. I was beyond excited, my blood was basically boiling.. well if I had flowing blood that is. We started to have sex, that was it. My head was spinning, my fists clenched, I started to hurt her...''
''From the sex or did you hit her?''
''The sex was becoming too rough for a human. And um.. well how much detail can you handle Jake?''
''As much as you are okay with telling.''
''Okay well. Humans are sensitive. And so are females.. bodies. She started to um bleed from the.. amount.. of um.. she started to bleed inside. We'll leave it at that. She was crying. My brain wasn't working properly. I couldn't see straight already and when my nose got a whiff of the blood, my body reacted before I could even think. I pulled out of her and bent down and bit her neck. I sucked until there was no supply to her neck. I pulled away still thirsty and bit her in the thigh being that it was far from her neck. I sucked that dry but she had been gone before I was even done with her neck. After I calmed down, I saw what I just did. I killed a human being from having sex. She was laying there naked and bloody. I did that. I had liked this girl. Like I said I wasn't in love but I was find of her. I liked her but just because the poor girl bled like a normal human would have from the amount of force she died. She died because I smelled blood and wasn't under control like I thought. I live with that everyday. I've killed a few people in my day but that one haunts me. She was innocent. She cared about me and wanted me like every human wants someone they have feelings for and she died for it.''
My jaw dropped. I felt the pain in his voice when he told this story. ''But like you said you weren't in love. Maybe if you were..''
He cut me off. ''No Jake. Besides feeding, sexual attraction will drive us most crazy. Its the most intense emotion we feel. Now this is very personal and im not going into detail but even when us, my family are.. together, things can get out of control, only we are with someone as strong as we are so you wouldn't really say its dangerous.''
''Oh.'' That made sense. Of course, they probably bit each other and threw each other - I wasn't sure, didn't want to ask that personal question – but the other could take it, the other wouldn't be harmed from it. Damn it. I was wrong. I wanted so bad to say Edward couldn't hurt me and I wanted to believe it but obviously he would. My heart was very disappointed.
''Yea. I know you are disappointed.'' This time I figured I was just obvious, instead of him annoyingly knowing everything about me. ''But maybe with time, he'll learn control. Him, Esme, Alice and Carlisle seem to have alittle bit better of self control than me, Emmett and Rosalie. Maybe Edward wouldn't harm you but I wouldn't advise you to take the chance Jake. Give it time. He loves you and is in it for the long run. Maybe you eventually be able to be together in every form.''
''Yeah.'' Was all I said.
''Well listen Jake. If you need to talk about anything ever, im here. But im going to go back. Ill see you later okay. Don't get to down.''
''Yeah. Thanks though Jazz. I do understand better now.''
''Yeah. You were probably hoping id make no point at all and you'd keep seducing Edward?'' He said laughing but I wasn't in the best mood, I just smiled.
''Well ima go. Talk to yah later buddy.''
I nodded. I sat and dwelled for alittle while. So I really was going to go without any.. physicality.. maybe forever. I didn't know how I was going to do this. But I did love him and was going to try but I didn't know how successful id be.
After another hour, I heard more rustling and I turned and it was Edward this time.
''Edward.'' I said. Shocked to see him.
''Yeah, its me baby.'' He said in a very annoyed but sexy voice.
''Are you okay now?'' I said, sort of sarcastic, sort of sympathetic.
''Yes, im calm. I had a talk with Emmett.''
''Yeah I had a talk with Jazz.'' I said at the exact time he said. 'I know'.
I figured he was annoyed and knew what we talked about.
''Don't be mad at him. I do finally understand now and im gonna try and leave you alone.''
''I'm not mad at him, just wish I could of told you instead but im glad he got through to you. He's good at that.''
He sat down next to me. ''Listen, I didn't want to think you could hurt me, I didn't want to believe it but you aren't Carlisle. You cant get excited or have blood spurting at you and have this magical control. I just think you're perfect and could never do anything wrong. But even you could mess up and I should appreciate that you care enough to give up something you probably want just as much as me to keep me safe.''
''Wow. He did get through to you. But you are very right. I want to be with you and have you as mine in every form possible. I don't want one part of you to go unclaimed by me. But your safety in higher on the list than pleasure and intimacy. If I knew 100 percent, for sure, no doubt that I wouldn't hurt you, things would be very different but I cant risk it until I feel that way. And my insides still knot up everytime you kiss me... hell I get excited when you look at me, I couldn't imagine what your naked, sweating body and your rapid heartbeat and your heavy breaths would do to me.''
He paused. He closed his eyes. Took a deep breath and kept going, but now he was looking away from me. ''I cant and will not risk losing you for my own selfish needs.''
''Baby. I didn't know this was so hard for you, you always seem so controlled. I'm sorry I didn't try and understand and I kept pushing it and doubted what you were saying.''
''Its okay baby. None of this is your fault. Not one bit of it.''
We looked at each other for a while and then at the view. We were both really having our situation sink in.
''Um.'' I broke the silence. ''Is kissing still okay?'' I asked innocently.
He looked at me, smiled and turned his body towards me. He got up on his knees and crawled to be in front of me. He grabbed my legs to extend and straddle himself over them. He pushed my upper body down lightly and layed on top of me. He kissed my mouth once. Then pecked the corner of my mouth, kissed every inch of my jaw, sucked on my ear. My body was literally shaking. I couldn't help but let out a couple whimpering sounds, because everything in my body was tingling and I was fighting so hard with the urge throw my arms around him and... yeah. After sucking on my ear, he went behind it, which was a very shocking feeling. That was definitely a sensitive spot and he knew it. I placed my hands on his ribs and everytime something was beyond amazing, I would squeeze alittle, that always gave me away. He eventually went down to my neck, which drove me completely insane. I could have sworn I almost felt tears forming in my eyes from the intense feelings I got from the nips and sucking. He kissed and pecked lightly down to my collar bones. He licked all the way up to my chin, then came to my lips. He bit his lip before kissing me. His tongue had alittle adventure through my mouth. He now basically had a hold of my tongue my his lips, he had his mouth so tightly suctioned around my tongue that I gave up and just stuck my it out of my mouth. He kissed, licked and sucked on my tongue and I slipped it back in. We both stared at each other for a good couple seconds. My mind was hazy. Certain areas of my body were still reacting to the kiss.
''Yes.'' He whispered. ''Kissing is definitely okay.'' He smiled and rolled off of me. We laid there for about an hour barely speaking a word.
hehe teasing is fun
review please. might take a couple days to update.