Disclaimer: Um no. Not mine.
Summary: Emmett, the jokester of the Cullen clan, decides to play a prank on Edward early in the morning for April Fool's day!
Author's Note: I love Emmett. He's too funny. This is told from his viewpoint and set during Twilight.
I was waiting for Edward to go watch that human sleep again so I could think of a great prank to play on him for tomorrow. I had considered kidnapping Bella for the day but a single hiss from Edward had canceled that really quick. Like I'd hurt her! I'd just give her some movies and ice cream since that's what humans seem to like and keep her away from Edward for the day. Unfortunately, keeping her away from Edward would be a challenge within itself. Normally, I wouldn't mind a challenge like that but not when I needed to make sure everyone celebrated April Fool's day properly. At least the idea of kidnapping Bella was something I could keep in the back of my mind. Another hiss from upstairs. Give it a break already, little brother! Go watch your human sleep!
You know, Edward that is really mildly disturbing. I mean, I read just last week about how this guy was…great, now he was in my face glaring at me. I crossed my arms and grinned at him. It wasn't like I could control what I thought so why not bring it on? I'd love a good fight.
Of course, Edward backed down. He pinched the bridge of his nose. I swear, he must have worn glasses as a human because he had this obsession with the bridge of his nose and…another glare. Like that is supposed to scare me bro? I'm bigger than you and I'm stronger than you. Not to mention that if you are glaring then it must mean your really were some four eyed…Great, he has me by the collar of my shirt.
"Emmett, stop trying to test my patience today," Edward growled at me.
"Chill, Edward," I told him. I love that word. It came about as a slang term in the 1980's and I've been using it ever since. Really, I love the pop cultural terminologies…oh great, now he's smirking at me. At least he didn't rip this shirt since I'm pretty sure it's my last clean one.
"You could learn how to do your own laundry you know," Edward said off-handedly. I just narrowed my eyes at him. I knew he was scared of what I might be planning for tomorrow and that's why he wasn't watching Bella sleep…in her underwear. Great, another growl. Get over it, Edward! You're the freak that climbs through her window every night and she doesn't even know it!
Aww, man. Now he was hanging his head looking all sad and dejected looking. I hated seeing him like this and it was starting to drive me nuts! Actually, I think it was starting to drive everyone crazy. Ever since the family fight he's been even more morose than usual. Edward managed to scoff at that thought. Yeah yeah, Edward, I actually can be overtly verbose when the occasion necessitates it. I just don't go around sounding like my age unlike you and Carlisle. I mean, aren't we supposed to be pretending to be human? So shouldn't we act like the ages we are pretending to be? Edward's lips twitched down into a full frown before he answered.
"We may be attempting to fit in, so to speak, with the local population but that should not mean we need to insult our own intellects to do so. After all, not all humans are incapable of speaking without using the more modern colloquialisms," Edward stated. I just looked at him like he was from another planet because he sure as hell sounded like it. He rolled his eyes at that one. "Whatever….dude," he smirked.
"See? That wasn't that hard, now was it?" I teased him back, grinning before slapping him on the shoulder.
"Yes, quite painless. Can I recollect my brain cells or do they simply slip away with each new use of the modern vulgarity?" he teased back, purposefully using words and a language style that hasn't been popular in a hundred years.
"Eh, you don't miss 'em after a while," I shrugged and leaned back against the couch again. I couldn't help but grin after that. I knew that using slang didn't affect much more than your way you thought in general and not your thought processes. Oh well, at least he wasn't looking all mope-y right now. I really can't stand to see him like that.
Edward gave me a weak half smile. "Sorry," he said to me. "I don't mean to get so depressed," he continued, looking down.
I grinned at him, hoping to cheer him up without Jasper's help. "Go check on your human," I teased him. "Make sure you are the scariest thing hiding in her closet or under her bed," I continued. He managed a small smile at that.
"Thanks," Edward whispered and I just grinned at him in response. No problem, little bro. Wait, we do get to meet your human eventually, right? If you don't like eat her first? He rolled his eyes at me and muttered something about being "as bad as Alice" before running off out the door. I just flipped through the channels on the tube before thinking about April Fool's day again.
The hardest ones to prank where always Alice, Edward, and Jasper because of their "abilities" and all. Alice knew what you were going to do sometimes before even you knew you were going to do it. Last year she got all mad at me and I couldn't even recall what I had been thinking of doing until she started screaming something about "red paint". I don't see what the big deal was. It's not like having the entire sewing room painted in cherry red, including the sewing machine that I'm pretty sure is older than she is, would have been that bad. I thought it was a great idea myself.
Jasper, well, he has protection in the form of Alice and then he can also tell when you are in a pranking mood. He also get retaliatory and it tends to escalate. Esme got so mad at us a couple of decades ago when he ended up placing her entire garden inside my and Rose's room; dirt and all. I had bolted all of his and Alice's furniture to their ceiling and super glued anything I couldn't bolt up there. It did take a while to clean up but Esme still wasn't happy with us. So, trying to do something that won't escalate, still get at him, and not have his wife see? It's not easy.
Edward use to be the hardest. He's hear you planning and that was it. Since he can read everything going on in your head he'd just come over and hit me, which would lead to a wrestling match so I didn't mind so much, or he'd threaten something that would keep me from Rose. I much preferred the wrestling matches.
This year was different. This year, Edward-boy was off to go pay attention to his sleeping beauty. He was far enough away, by now, that he couldn't hear my thoughts. A smile crept on to my face as I realized I really could get him this year. I could do something like switch all his furniture with someone like Jessica Stanley's, since I know he doesn't like her after the problems last year. I laughed thinking on how that girl just threw herself at him practically every day. She'd wear these low cut, tight fitting blouses that made me wonder why her parents even let her out of the house like that. I mean, did they just not know that she dressed like that? Anyway, every time she'd bend over, directly in front of Edward, you could see everything. He, of course, would look away politely. It was hilarious to watch.
I wonder if Bella wore something like that if he'd look away politely. Hmmm, I've got to get Alice in on that one. She'd happily dress Bella up if Edward would let any of us near his human. That would be the best prank ever; to have his human all dressed up in a way he couldn't ignore. He'd get so upset with us for sure. Maybe next year he'll let us play with her too…
Alice came hopping down the stairs, grinning. "We'll get to play with her next year, don't worry!" she said happily. I grinned back.
"Alright! You have to dress her up next year and then we'll see how 'polite' he is," I challenged.
Alice's face fell and she sat down next to me. "I really wish he'd let us play with her this year. You are going to like her too," she told me. Really? Huh. I guess it would be fun to have a human around. I've seen them do some crazy stuff before that I just don't get and I totally don't remember doing when I was a human.
"How much longer is he going to be all emo boy?" I asked her, curious. I wanted to know how much longer we had to deal with Edward going from perfectly happy at school to being depressed at home. Plus once he finally decides to eat her or not eat her, well, we could play with her if it's the latter.
"I don't know! He won't make up his mind," Alice pouted. Aww, poor little sis. I'm sure Edward is driving Jasper up the wall too with his emotions going all over the place. Might explain why I haven't gotten into a fight with him in a couple of days. He isn't avoiding me, he's avoiding Edward. And of course Alice is all upset because she saw that Bella was going to be her best friend but Edward won't let any of us talk to her yet.
"It looks like maybe next weekend we might get a chance to talk to her," Alice huffed, her arms crossed. She looked like some little china doll or something when she pouted like this. "Assuming our dear brother doesn't screw up," she added on quickly. I tussled her spiky hair getting a playful pout and a swipe out of her.
"He won't," I told her confidently. She just looked up at me quizzingly and I grinned in response. "If he does, we'll have to kill him because do you really want to deal with mister Ed-ward moody-pants after something like that?" I asked Alice playfully. She giggled in response.
"Just don't be too hard on him this April Fool's," she smiled. Alice kissed me on the cheek and then hopped away to go outside. Who knows what Alice was up too?
I leaned back into the couch to try and think up something to do to Edward. He wasn't here so I had full access to his room and no one to stop me. Well, no one but everyone else in the family but I doubt they'd try as long as I didn't totally thrash the room. So, maybe something to his room? What did he have in his room? He had that stupid black leather sofa…
A smile grew on my face. I wondered how much bleach I would need to get the black leather white. It might be easier to just go buy a bunch of white leather but where did you get white leather at ten o'clock at night? It's not like I couldn't do that myself, make hides and all, but the whole process took like three days and time was not my friend right now. Edward would be back in the morning so bleach…and lots of it. The Walmart in Port Angeles should have that.
What else could I do to Edward's room? He loved his music and his walls were covered with shelves of music. I wouldn't destroy his records and cds but I could hide them. Maybe even put something else up in their place like….Abba! Or the Village People! He hates those with a passion. When the girls dragged us to go see Mama Mia –gag! I mean you think with Pierce Brosnan in it it would have had one or two explosions or something- us guys dragged Edward along. Just because he didn't have a spouse didn't mean he got to get out of the torture! It was hell.
So a new collection of CD's from the 70's, maybe some of that modern rap junk, and the anything post Sergeant Pepper. I can't remember if he liked the Eagles or not but Hotel California just doesn't seem like his kind of song. Oh well, I just grab what I can when I head over to Wally-World. I might stop by the Target too since they might still be open, I think. Grinning, I grabbed my keys to my jeep and decided to head on out.
I got back home at a little past mid-night. Late night shopping was simply weird. There were kids there in their PJ's running around the store. I guess they were about in high school or college so they looked as old as I did but still, didn't humans have to sleep? I mean, Bella sleeps and I remembered sleeping as a human but where these guys like sleepwalking around the store? It might explain the PJ's I saw. Weird.
And one girl kept walking right in front of me trying to show me her butt or something. I didn't get it. She had on these sweatpants that had something written on the back of them. Why would you want writing on the back of your pants like that? Why would you want anyone to look at your butt? I mean, didn't most girls want guys to look at their face or listen to their intellect and not openly gape at their bodies? Wasn't that the whole point of the feminist movement during my time and later? And yet this girl was wiggling in front of me like some little…oh well, at least Rose didn't come with me. I don't think that girl would have worn anything more than full length muumuu's the rest of her life if Rose had her way. Assuming the kid had lived.
So I got the bleach and all the CD's I could find with music from the late 60's and the 1970's. I even got Chaka Khan, Salt & Pepa, and the entire anthology of New Kids on the Block. The early 90's were interesting in terms of musical tastes. I was kind of disappointed that they didn't have MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice in either the Walmart or the Target but oh well, I still got a bunch that I knew he would hate. Now to put my prank in motion.
As I was unloading the bags from my jeep, I saw Alice and Jasper out of the corner of my eye. Oh no, they weren't going to stop me, where they? Alice was just shaking her head and Jasper was grinning. I guess not. "Hey, guys," I greeted them as I jostled the six or so bags I had hanging off my arms.
"Edward is going to kill you, you know," Alice teased. I doubted he'd really kill me because then Jasper wouldn't really have anyone to fight with anymore other than Edward and I'm pretty sure Jasper would get bored of that pretty quick. Since Jasper needed me around, Alice would need me around too or else deal with a very bored husband. That, and Alice loved me too.
"Naw, he'll get mad but I'm not actually going to throw his CD's away. I'm just going to make him think I did!" I grinned.
Jasper laughed at me. "And the bleach is for…?" he asked, smiling.
"You know he hates the color white so I figured it would work on his leather sofa," I told him with a shrug. Alice just shook her head and Jasper laughed more at me.
"Here," Alice said handing me what looked like a bucket of paint. "It will work much better, trust me," she said. I looked at the bucket and moved the bags on my arms to grab it. It was white paint left over from the last time Esme painted the living room. Awesome!
"Thanks!" I grinned and then went into the house to go up to Edward's room. I saw my drop dead gorgeous wife on the way up and smiled at her, kissing her as I past.
"What are you up too?" Rosalie asked, eyeing the bags suspiciously.
"Torturing Edward," I told her because it was kind of true. I shrugged and looked at her, waiting for her response.
"Have fun!" Rose smiled at that, an evil glint in her eye. She was still mad at him because of the whole Bella-knows-what-we-are thing from a couple of days ago. Anything I did to him right now short of killing him was probably okay in her eyes which bugged me a bit. I really wish she wouldn't take it out on him, I mean, he explained that he hadn't actually told her or anything; it was that Jacob kid. I hated to see my brother and my wife fighting like this, but right now, I needed to focus on my task.
I stole another kiss from Rose and ran up to Edward's room. First things first. Hide the CDs and records he has somewhere. Maybe in the storage area of the garage? My scent is all over that place anyway since I help Rose with fixing the cars and all so that wouldn't be too suspicious. I emptied the bags I had and quickly, but carefully, stashed the CDs and records from his shelves into the bags. I ended up needing a couple of boxes too but Rose helped me with that one. We placed everything in the storage and locked it. Only Rosalie had the key so I knew it was pretty safe unless he just ripped the door off to get his stuff back.
The next project was to put up all the CDs I got him, like the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever among many others. I chuckled as I placed the CDs on his shelf, seeing the bellbottoms that we all use to wear, unfortunately, and the leisure suits none of us were dumb enough to try. I mean, baby powder blue? Never! I'd rather wear pink! Honest! Well, a pink cotton oxford shirt wouldn't be nearly as bad as baby blue polyester bellbottom leisure suits… I just hope Alice doesn't find out.
Once that was done I went and looked at his sofa critically. I carefully painted it white to make sure none of the black showed through and I didn't get a drop of paint on the floor. Still, I got it all done in about an hour or so. I had to make sure it dried right so you really couldn't tell it had been a black sofa at one point. Maybe I should do something to the curtains too or start to bolt everything upside down again…
"That's enough, Emmett. Unless you want to get Esme upset with you too," Alice piped in.
"Fine," I muttered and picked up the paint can, ruffling the little china doll's hacked off hair. She really looked like some little girl's overly loved doll that got "beauty shopped" one day and was now sporting the little girl's attempt at a hairdo. At least she was cute and I doubt she'd care if she knew I thought she looked like someone favorite doll. Of course, Jasper might get mad if I told him he likes to play with dolls. A grin overcame my face; that would be a sure fire way to get Jasper to fight again. Jasper plays with dolls. Okay, so it's only one doll who really isn't a doll, just Alice who happens to look like a doll…damn circular logic.
"Oh, Carlisle won't be home until late so I don't think you'll be able to pull anything on him but you can probably get the rest of at school and Esme when we come home," she informed me.
"But how am I supposed to do that if you'll see it coming?" I asked her. She just smiled up at me sweetly.
"You have three hours until Edward comes home," she told me before skipping off. Huh, three hours until I get to see Edward's reaction to my first ever accomplished prank on him. I need to find a camera! I need to…about then I walked by my room and saw Rose sitting on the bed reading. I had another plan for what I wanted to do for the next three hours and it involved Rose and that bed.
About three hours later, it was time to get ready for school. Rose managed to tear herself away from me so she could do her hair and get ready. I just pulled on my jeans and shirt and found my Mariner's baseball cap. I was ready. My book bag was probably downstairs were I put it after the five minutes of homework we had last night. Yeah, it was supposed to take a couple of hours but that was the great thing about being a vampire; great memory recall. I just wrote down all the answers as quickly as I could and I was done. Straight A's again this year.
I heard the front door open and knew Edward was home. I grinned and went out into the hallway to listen for his reaction. He had gone straight up to his room, only pausing to say hi to Esme for a second. I was practically dancing at the bottom of the second flight of stairs because I was so happy about actually getting Edward after 70 some odd years of trying. I just kept thinking things like school and the look on Mike's face when I fill his locker with silly string. I had a nice batch of Jell-O I want to use for the floor of the teacher's lounge too…
"What the…?" Edward muttered as he walked into his room. I grinned, listening, while I thought about getting tin foil to keep the Jello from leaking out of the teacher's lounge. It's a good thing Esme got a box or two each week. I've been hoarding them but didn't tell her why.
"Emmett!" Edward shouted and I grinned. I could hear a Jasper laughing downstairs. "What have you done to my room?!?" he yelled louder.
Before he could come down the stairs and find me, I ran towards my jeep, grabbing my book bag on the way and yelled back, "Happy April Fool's, Edward!" I had finally managed to prank the telepath. I really needed to thank the human girl for her help even though she didn't know she had helped. Maybe I could keep that Lauren from her because I think Edward said something about that brat bugging her. That's what I'll do for the day, bug Lauren. Rose will help! After I Jello the teacher's lounge and fill Mike's locker with silly string, of course!
Author's Note: I hope y'all liked this little one-shot into Emmett's mind. He's actually pretty bright just not always thinking of the consequences of his actions and I hope I conveyed that. Tell me if you like it!