College is tiring. I can't wait for spring break. (just two more days of classes, two tests, and a paper left before I'm free for a week) *has a mental breakdown*

But, I still managed to find time to write a one shot (cause I was procrastinating).

Warnings: underage drinking, swearing, shounen ai, and other stuff

I suppose I should apologize beforehand for some of the heretical things in this fic. (that was the apology)

Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray Man. I don't even want to own it.


If he had to name the one thing he hated most, Allen wouldn't say the Millennium Earl. That's not to say that Allen didn't dislike the Earl, it's just that according to him, there was something in the world worse than the Earl. And that was alcohol. Any thoughts of alcohol led to thoughts of his Master. And thoughts of his Master led to thoughts of the piles of unpaid debts. And thoughts of unpaid debts led to traumatic memories. Thus, alcohol brought back traumatic memories. Still, past traumas and gargantuan debts aside, Allen wasn't a fan of alcohol or it's effects.

Cross Marian may have been a genius, but the constant supply of alcohol over the years had probably dried up his brain cells and definitely destroyed what was left of his liver. What other reason could explain why a General of the Black Order would do all the things he did? Of course, Allen wasn't brave enough to voice out these thoughts. Not with that hammer his Master seemed to always have on hand. Allen treasured what brain cells the hammer had yet to traumatize. So, with his intense dislike of the filthy drink, Allen was most surprised to discover that Kanda sometimes indulged in that particular pastime.

It began with a mission that didn't go as planned. They passed by bloody bodies and empty sets of clothes as they ran towards the church supposedly housing the Innocence. By the time they got to there, it was already in a Noah's hand. They were forced to watch as the glowing fragment was crushed into dust. Laughing, the Noah walked away at a leisurely pace while leaving hordes of akuma behind to keep them busy. Over an hour and a few buildings reduced to rubble later, the Noah was gone and they were left with the bitter taste of failure in their mouths.

They reported to Komui and booked two rooms at the run down hotel on the other side of the city. Kanda disappeared into his room and slammed the door. Allen quietly entered his own room to get what sleep he could with Link following behind him.

In the middle of the night, Allen jerked awake from another nightmare. More than a little shaken, he jumped out of bed, sidestepped Link and stumbled out into the hallway to stand in front of Kanda's door. Hesitating for a moment, Allen gently knocked on the wooden panel. When he didn't hear anything, he reached for the knob to find it surprisingly unlocked. Kanda always locked his door, even in Headquarters. Not so much afraid as cautious, Allen silently pushed the door open enough to slip in.

The first thing that hit him was the thick scent of cigarette smoke and cheap alcohol. Allen winced and covered his nose with a hand. Though it didn't help, he stepped further into the dark room. After a minute or so, his vision sharpened enough to distinguish the shadow sitting in a chair by the window. Allen wondered if he entered the right room because Kanda wasn't exactly the type to drink or smoke. What if this was some dream? Would that shadow turn out to be his Master? He reached out along the wall and flipped the switch.

The sudden bright light made the person by the window jump in surprise, and Allen found himself seeing something he never would have thought possible.

It was surreal to see the usually strict Japanese slouched in the chair that looked as though it could fall apart any moment with a bottle of some kind of alcohol in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. The other's usual glare was absent and Kanda looked younger without his brows furrowed. But, without the sharp, glittering glare, his cobalt eyes looked dull and jaded.


The older teen took a deep breath. "What is it?"

Allen was sure that he wasn't supposed to have seen Kanda's momentary lapse of control, and had it been anyone else, he would have apologized and hastily left the room, never to speak of what he had seen. But, it was Kanda. Kanda had always been the strong one. The one who would scoff at the mere thought of failure. The one who would fearlessly face down hordes of akuma on his own. The one everyone could count on to almost always complete his missions successfully. He was a constant in the endless sea of faceless finders that come and go as swiftly as the tide changes.

"What are you doing?"

"Che. What does it look like I'm doing?" Kanda's voice was hoarse. "What do you want?"

Allen didn't know what to say. Having a nightmare wasn't something to run to Kanda for, and he doubted Kanda would take kindly to the real answer. Besides, he wasn't really sure why he had come to the Asian's room. It wasn't as if Kanda could chase away his hidden monsters. But then, seeing the older teen like this, Allen wondered if Kanda had his own closet full of skeletons to hide.

The silence stretched out, making Allen feel awkward and uneasy.

Kanda turned back to look through the window again while taking another drag before crushing the cigarette out on the windowsill. "Go back to bed, Moyashi."

Allen blinked at the tired tone but still answered with his customary response. "My name's Allen. What's wrong? You're not acting like yourself."

Instead of scoffing and throwing back an insult about Allen's height, Kanda laughed. Though, it was an empty sound. "Don't make assumptions like that. What do you know about me? Who the fuck are you to judge whether or not I'm acting like myself, huh?"

"Are you drunk?"

"…No. I want to be though."

Allen sighed and walked over to the Japanese. He tried to pull the bottle out of Kanda's grip, but the older teen growled and shoved him away. Allen scowled as she watched Kanda drink straight from the bottle.

"That can't be sanitary. Do you have any idea where that bottle's been?"

"Why would it matter? Maybe if I'm lucky I'll contract some vicious disease that'll kill me. Too bad it's highly unlikely to happen."

Kanda suddenly crashed to the floor. It took a moment for him to realize why. The dark haired teen spat out blood and absently rubbed his reddening cheek where Allen's left hand connected.

Allen grabbed the collar of Kanda's shirt and slammed him against the wall. Dull blue eyes met furious silver. "What the hell do you think you're saying? How can you talk about dying so casually? Does your life mean so little to you?"

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Because you're my comrade! My friend! Have you forgotten Lenalee? How do you think she'll react if you die? What about Lavi? And everyone at the Order?"

Something glinted in Kanda's eyes. Before Allen could do anything, Kanda kicked at his legs, and they went down. Kanda landed heavily on top of Allen. He pushed himself up onto his hands and knees then wrapped a hand around the younger teen's throat with a tight grip but not enough to completely cut off the air supply. Allen scrabbled at the hand around his throat but stilled when Kanda spoke.

"Comrade? Friend? Do you want to know how people would react to my death? Lenalee would mourn for a while, but she'll get over it because all that really matters to her is Komui. As long as Komui's alive, she'll be fine. So what if hundreds of finders die? So what if exorcists are dying left and right? In the end, she's secretly glad that it isn't Komui in one of those fucking coffins they burn. She'll feel guilty about it but that doesn't change her feelings. As for Lavi, as the Bookman's successor, we're just ink on paper to him. Even if he starts to care and gets attached, one day, he'll have to leave the Lavi persona behind. When he does, we won't matter to him anymore. We just become footnotes in history, if that."

Kanda's hand loosened allowing more air to fill the younger boy's lungs. "The Order will care least of all. Fuck, I bet they'd be annoyed since it's one less soldier on the field. One less sacrifice they have shielding them from the Earl and his akuma. All that matters to them is winning this fucked up war. You're probably the only one who cares the most. Even then, you have your own problems to deal with. You're sick of it, aren't you? You can only hide so much of your bitterness behind those fucking smiles of yours, and you don't always mask all of your irritation when that lapdog follows you around like some stalker."

Allen thickly swallowed as he stared at Kanda with wide eyes. "That's…not true…"

"It isn't? You're probably the most loyal exorcist in the entire Order, yet the only reason they're not trying you for heresy is because you're still useful to them. If they didn't need the Ark or if you weren't the Destroyer of Time, they would have killed you the moment they learned about the Noah in you. The Church isn't lenient about these things. Haven't you noticed? Every time there's a fatality on any of your missions, that stalker takes note of it, and at the end, once you're no longer useful, they'll blame all those deaths on you to justify an execution."

"But it's…"

"Not your fault? Do you really think they care? They'll probably claim that the Noah took over and order me to kill you."

"…Why you?"

"Che. Like any of those other idiots will be able to go through with it. Lenalee's too softhearted to do it. Lavi will worm his way out of it somehow. The Generals can't always be with you. Why do you think we've been paired together for all these missions?"

"Will you?" Seeing the confusion in Kanda's eyes, Allen clarified. "If the Noah takes over, will you be able to kill me?"

Kanda frowned. "Hypocrite. Don't yell at me about not caring about my own life when you're just as willing to throw yours away. But…if it happens, I'll kill you. You don't have to worry about that."

"Then why do you sound so resentful?"

A grin formed on Kanda's face, one full of self-mockery. "Because I'm their perfect soldier, aren't I? They expect me to jump when they say jump, and they'll expect me to kill a comrade when I'm ordered to do so. They want me to be their perfect emotionless puppet. Do you have any idea how much I hate pretending to not to care about the people who died because I didn't get to them in time to save them from the akuma? I hate this life. You're lucky. When the Noah bastard takes over you, I swear I'll kill you. At least you have a way out of this hellhole better known as Earth. I'm stuck here for who knows how long. And if Hell exists, then that's where I'm headed anyways. Not like it matters. I'm sick and tired of fighting for a God I don't believe in."

He shifted his hand until he was cupping Allen's jaw, and turned the boy's head to give him a view of the sword in the corner of the room. "I'm sick and tired of getting up day after day just to risk my life. And, do you want to know a secret, Allen?" He leaned down to whisper in the boy's ear. "I hate Innocence. I hate how it controls my life. And the only reason I haven't turned into a Fallen One yet is because I hate the Earl and his little minions even more than I hate God's precious crystals."

Allen's breathing, though no longer hindered by a tight grip, was ragged. This wasn't the Kanda he knew.

But, did he ever really know Kanda? Was the cold, anti-social, bastard just an act to hide the hate-filled bitterness inside? A shiver went down his spine as images of Suman flashed through his mind. Kanda was walking a thin line with his Innocence, and if the balanced tipped the wrong way, would he become one of those monstrous things?

Kanda let the silence linger for a little longer to let all the information seep into the dazed boy's mind before he continued whispering in Allen's ear. "You think I'm a bastard, don't you?" He felt Allen try to shake his head. "Che. I guess my acting skills are crap then. Though, I have to say that yours needs a little work, too." He paused. "Hey, Allen."

The white haired boy wasn't sure how to feel about Kanda using his name. It sounded odd. "Yes?"

"Want to sin with me?"

Allen nearly choked at the sudden question. "What?"

Kanda licked the shell of the younger boy's ear, drawing a gasp. "Whenever I go on solo missions, I usually go to some bar and find some slut to fuck. But I've been paired with you for the past several missions, so I haven't had that little luxury. And, since you're the only one available right now, let me fuck you. Besides, how can I pass up a chance to screw over the Church by screwing their savior?"

Allen knew he should have been insulted by Kanda's words, but he found that he couldn't care less. He wasn't particularly fond of the Church himself. He was loyal to the Order and the people there, but sometimes they got in the way of his mission to save akuma. Humans were important to him, but they didn't have to see the poor souls trapped within those metal killing machines screaming to be freed. Allen didn't mind being called a savior, but he never actually saw himself as one. And obviously, neither did Kanda.

Perhaps it was his own mixed feelings about everything or the warm breath against his ear, but for once, he wanted to let go and forget about everything if only for a short time. And, agreeing to Kanda's offer would give him that. "If you want to fuck me, then fuck me. No one's stopping you."


I didn't feel like writing porn, so just use your imagination. XP


Allen tugged the blanket higher over his nude form. They had moved over to the bed sometime between heated kisses and removing Kanda's pants. At the moment, the Japanese teen was sitting against the headboard. He silently watched Kanda light another cigarette. "Those aren't healthy for you."

"Then it's a good thing."

"Hmm. I guess you weren't kidding when you said that you go to bars to pick up women to fuck."

"Che. You're pretty experienced yourself. I'm obviously not the first guy to fuck you."

Allen grinned. "Why does everyone believe that I'm some innocent virgin? I've let plenty of men fuck me. As long as they pay me of course." He laughed at the questioning look Kanda gave him. "You know Master picks up insane amounts of debt, right?" He waited for Kanda to nod before continuing. "Well, I needed to pay them off somehow. Manual labor doesn't pay enough, especially after the food bill. As for poker, I didn't pick up cheating at cards in one night. So, while I was learning how to swindle money, I needed cash. The quickest, easiest way was to sell my body. There are some sick people out there with weird fantasies." Allen caught the quickly buried flash of interest in Kanda's eyes. "Wow, I never knew you were so perverted, Kanda."

The Japanese teen shrugged. "I'm 19. I'm healthy. Why wouldn't I think about sex?"

"I don't know. You just came off as the kind of person who thinks about training to better himself all day."

"I do think of training to better myself. Just not all day. I never would have taken you to be a former whore."

"It was necessary unless I wanted debt collectors chasing after me all day and night."

Allen glanced at the window. It would be dawn in an hour or so. "This doesn't change anything between us, does it?"

Kanda breathed out a lungful of smoke. "It shouldn't. I'll still be a complete bastard to you if that's what you're asking."

"I suppose that's fine then."

"Go take a shower before your stalker wakes up and adds another black mark to your file."

Allen snorted. "I doubt it matters now. There are probably enough black marks to condemn me for several lifetimes already. Another one won't make a difference."

He crawled out of bed to search for his clothing. After pulling on his pants, Allen found his shirt on the ground in front of the door. How it got across the room was beyond him. A hand settled onto his hip, and he was spun around and pressed against the door.

Kanda cupped his jaw and leaned down to give Allen a surprisingly gentle kiss. "Though tonight doesn't change how we act towards each other while we around other people, I wouldn't mind if you come to my room at night."

"And how exactly would I get past my stalker?"

The Japanese teen smirked and turned away to pull on his pants and find his exorcist coat. He dug around the pockets of the coat for a moment before pulling out a small leather drawstring pouch and handed it to the confused boy. "It is powdered Chloral Hydrate. Slip it into his drink or something. It should knock the bastard out in about half an hour to an hour."

"Umm…why do you even have this?"

"If you couldn't tell, my life is pretty fucked up. It's not that easy to fall asleep every night."

"So, you wouldn't mind if I come every night?" Allen watched the older teen roll his eyes. "Then promise me something."


"Don't fall in love with me." Kanda's sharp bark of laughter made Allen jump in surprise. "What?"

"That's what you're worried about? If the Church ever found out about us committing sodomy, we're dead. But, you're worried about me falling for you?"

Allen sullenly glared at the amused nineteen-year-old. "It's not funny. If you develop feelings for me, what'll happen if the Noah takes over?"

Just like that, the amusement was gone from Kanda's face. "I swore I would be the one to kill you should that happen, and I'm honor bound to keep it. If the Noah takes over, I will kill you, regardless of my feelings for you."

"But it would hurt you if you had to kill someone you love."

The older teen shrugged. "Then it will hurt."

"Please don't fall in love with me."

"There are some things even I can't control." Kanda reached into his back pocket and pulled something out. "But if it makes you feel better." He slipped the cash into the waistband of Allen's pants. "I'll buy you. That way, we're not lovers or any shit like that. I'll just be a customer. I'm not the kind of person who'll fall for whores."

Allen grinned. "I'll have to make sure that I take good care of you then, won't I?"

"Che. Go, sprout. You're wasting time. The entire point is to make sure that they don't find out about us."

The white haired teen slipped out into the hallway as the door closed behind him. Allen had always wondered what Kanda was really like. After all, a person couldn't be so surly all the time. It turned out Kanda was completely different from what he had been expecting. Honorable even while he sinned. But then, Allen wasn't all that innocent either. He wasn't about to deny a new cash flow. Nor was he about to deny an invitation from an attractive man. All in all, he would benefit from this arrangement, as long as the Church never found out about his and Kanda's little secrets.

With those thoughts in mind, Allen tried not to hum a cheerful tune as he entered his own room to get a much needed shower.


If anyone got offended by anything in this fic…well, I probably wouldn't care as I can be a rather insensitive person at times.

Chloral Hydrate is a sedative used for short-term treatment of insomnia. It was widely used (also read as abused) in the 19th century. A therapeutic dosage can knock you out in about an hour. (Though I read somewhere that said it might take effect in half an hour…I guess it depends on how much you take at one time.) It is sometimes used as a date rape drug. (And Kanda casually carries around…kind of suspicious, no?)

This fic went way off track from the original plotline. I was going to write a drunk Kanda go after cute innocent Allen. I have no idea how both of them ended up cynical and jaded.