"Alright, now that we've gotten all three Sacred Stones, Zelda's certain to fall in love with me!" Link said proudly as the drawbridge was lowered. It was a dark, dreary night, raining heavily, and was a perfect night for a Sherlock Holmes mystery to begin. However, since Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law are nowhere in sight, we'll just have to stick with an idiot and his flying lightbulb.
"I wouldn't bet on it if I were you," Navi said bluntly.
Suddenly a white horse came barreling out of Castle Town as if the rider was running for his life. As they got closer, Link and Navi could see that it was Zelda and Impa, fleeing the castle.
"Ha! Shows how much YOU know, Navi! See? She's already rushing out to embrace m—GAH!" Link yelled as he dove to the side to avoid the horse. It probably would have been funnier if he got his ass run over, but we'll make do with Zelda's smartass remarks.
"Out of my way, jerkass!" Zelda yelled back at Link. If the writer may be so bold:
Flashback to Episode One, without Adamwestslapdog's consent (SORRY!!!)
"Whatever. Now just go get the boy without a fairy," the Tree demanded.
"Yeeeeeeeah, whatever you big wooden idiot," Navi muttered. "Ugh, why does it have to be him? He's probably not even out of bed yet. Out of my way, jerkass!" she yelled at a little kid with his legs spread waaaaaay too far apart.
End flashback that might end my life
"No worries, Zelda. That was probably my fault," Link shouted after her.
"Shut up, you loser!" Zelda retorted. "Hey, Impa. We're not getting away fast enough, so we'll have to drop some useless weight. So I'm afraid you'll have to get off."
Impa is not Zelda's teacher/nanny/tutor/attendant/maid/surrogate mom for nothing! "I wos tinking you would say dat, peencess, so I sellotaped us both togeder."
"Damn you, Impa!" Zelda whined. "You're always one step ahead. Well, I suppose this ocarina is the second most useless item I brought with me." And she chucked the ocarina into the smelly castle moat. Gotta love her mad baseball pitching skillz.
"Hey, did she just throw something behind me?" Link asked stupidly. Then he turned around and he saw A HORSE! And a man on the horse. Ganondorf. Duh.
Link stared in horror and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Ganondorf gave Link A Look. "What are you screaming for, boy?" he asked Link who was backing away.
"Oh, sorry, I got confused for a while and thought this was Episode One," Link explained.
Time for the Title Sequence!!!
Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transcribed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)
End Title Sequence.
Link and Ganondorf were sitting in the rain at a little table with a white (albeit wet) tablecloth, eating tea and drinking crumpets, having a nice little get-together and conversation.
"So, why are you chasing after Zelda, anyway?" Link asked conversationally as he inhaled another crumpet.
"Well, little boy," Ganondorf began, patting his mouth daintily with a napkin, "I heard that the crime rate in Hyrule was so low that the king is going to have to let some of the castle guards go. So in order to help the police service" he poured himself another cup of tea, "I have become a criminal!"
Link looked at him blankly with crumpet stuffed in his mouth. "So, wait a minute, you're being evil to be nice?" He stuffed another crumpet in his already full mouth.
"Yes! Why earlier today, I stole this glow-in-the-dark baseball!" Ganondorf held up his hand, and a glow-in-the-dark baseball appeared in it. "Here, catch!" He chucked the baseball at Link that smacked him right between the eyes, and bowled him over. Navi looked on amusedly.
"Huh, what the hell?" Link said, sitting up, cross-eyed.
Ganondorf leapt up from the table and onto his horse. The tea party vanished. "Oh, no! What have I done!?! I've killed him!" Ganondorf cried dramatically, putting his hand to his forehead and looking faint.
"Huh? No you haven't! I'm fine," Link pointed out, standing up. Ganondorf was too distressed to pay attention to the standing dead person.
"Oh, I truly have become evil! I hope someday your grieving family can forgive meeeee!!!" Ganondorf sobbed as he rode off into Hyrule Field. Link looked after him, bewildered as usual.
"That guy's really bizarre," Link declared.
Black screen that says "several hours of swimming through castle sewage system later"
Link once again dove underwater, and finally retrieved that which had been chucked behind him.
"I got the stinky ocarina!" Link sang, holding the smelly Ocarina of Time over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background. "Oh hey there's a note inside!"
He opened it eagerly underwater and could not read it. So Zelda narrated the letter for him.
"Dear Link, it's me, Zelda. I'll have to leave the castle for a while, because Ganondorf has decided to try and kidnap me for some reason. Needless to say, this is all your fault for taking so long to get those damn Sacred Stones. Unfortunately, since I'm not there, I can't punish you myself. So you'll have to leave the stones in the Temple of Time and then await my return. At that point, I'll choose a suitable punishment for you. Yours angrily, Princess Zelda." Zelda finished narrating, and Link got out of the sewer-moat.
"Aw, didja hear that Navi? 'Dear Link'. Hehe, she called me 'dear'!" Link gushed.
Navi huffed. "Did you even read the rest of the letter!?!"
Link shrugged. "What for? It would just be her rambling on about how great I am."
Navi facepalmed and groaned. "Ooooooooh!!!"
Black screen that says "Later at the Temple of Time"
"Okay, I'll just put these things down here…" Link said out loud as the Sacred Stones floated down onto the altar-thing in front of the Doors of Time.
The Doors of Time slid open, revealing a place that would only be known to—"Wow!!! A magic door!!! Just like the ones at the supermarket!!!" Link gasped. On second thought, never mind.
Link ran through the door and saw something in the next room. It was the only thing in the room.
"And look what's in here!" Navi cried, almost in awe. She flew over to the object and hovered around it. "It's the Sword of Evil's Bane! The Master Sword!"
Link had to ruin the moment. "Is that anything like the Sword in the Stone where if I pull it out I get to become the King of England?"
"I don't think so."
"Cause if I was King of England, then Zelda would be certain to fall in love with me!" Link concluded. Navi rolled her eyes.
"Fine! Believe what you like!" she retorted, and went back to staring at the purple sword.
Link did a fist pump. Loser. Actually, LoZer. Hee hee! If you didn't get it, it's okay, you didn't miss much. "Alright! Sorry Prince Charles, but I just became the next in line!" he gloated as he pulled the sword impressively out of the Pedestal of Time.
Then everything went white. Racists.
Suddenly Ganondorf appeared, apparently over his grief at killing a boy that was very much alive and stupid. "Oh no! That last special effect was so spectacular, that we now have no budget left for the sets, or other characters!" That explains the white. "Luckily for all of you, I used to be a top notch stand-up comedian! Do you know that it's raining cats and dogs outside? In fact, I just stepped in a really big poodle!"
"Oh hey look, the Triforce!" Ganondorf exclaimed.
Now Ending Sequence!
"To Be Continued…"
End Ending Sequence.
Black screen that says "Next Time on Zelda Abridged"
[insert epic music and montage here]
[insert epic fight scene between Link and a Gerudo here]
"A Child's Mind"
[insert Link looking stupid here]
"In An Adult's Body"
[insert Link checking himself out, Navi checking Link out, Sheik checking Link out, and Link checking his hand out here]
"THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME THE ABRIDGED SERIES
The Adult Link Saga"
"Hey, Navi! I just went to the bathroom! You're NOT gonna believe it!" Link squeals excitedly, his voice yet unchanged.
Navi answers just as exasperatedly as she did seven years ago. "I DON'T want to know!"
[end epic music and montage here]
The song is called "See Who I Am" by Within Temptation.