Too many truths, too many demands, too many worries, too many fears rested in Dean Winchester's shoulders. They were straight, tight, and strained under his three shirts and a jacket. It had been a long week, hell it had been a long seven months. Sammy was different he was using demonic powers, angels were riding Dean's ass to protect and defend seals, Sam was on him to search out and destroy Lilith, Hell memories were front and center, Sam was scaring him, Dean started the apocalypse, Dean wasn't strong enough, Sam wasn't Sammy, Dean couldn't sleep, Dean started the apocalypse, Sam killed Alistair with his mind, Hell on Earth would be Dean's fault, he had to save Sammy, Lucifer would reign because Dean wasn't man enough in hell, Sammy was going to go dark side, Dean couldn't stop it, he was holding his brother back, he didn't know his brother anymore, he didn't know himself any more.
"GOD!" Dean shouted as they were driving through another no name place in some state that liked to plant corn.
Sam startled a little and looked over to Dean. "You okay?" he asked softly as he drove.
"Sorry." Dean said and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Just got a lot on my mind."
"How would you know?" Dean asked tersely and immediately regretted it, especially when he watched Sam's face tense in anger. "Sorry, that was uncalled for."
"You look like someone has inserted a coat hanger in your shoulders Dean. You need to talk…"
"You wouldn't understand." Dean said.
"Yeah. Of course I wouldn't." Sam huffed. "God forbid you tell me anything."
"Goes both ways Sammy." It had been a long time since Dean had used the nickname in anything other than affection and the sarcasm and heat behind it this time prickled along Sam's skin. He seethed. "Besides, I'm done telling you stuff…you just use it against me."
The anger that was in his gut flared to life after that comment. "That was the siren talking."
"You keep saying that and I so don't believe you."
"Then why didn't you leave me the other night huh? You had every opportunity to get rid of my ass, then you wouldn't' have to deal with me and my demon blood infected self anymore."
Dean was quiet for a moment and then answered, "I can't leave you because you are my brother."
"That's all I am to you now?" Sam asked hurt. All of his life Dean had loved and protected him, and now he was reduced to someone who you would only do anything for because you shared parents, shared a common DNA, not because you loved them. That comment almost hurt more than any physical blow that Dean had ever administered.
"That's all I am to you now? Your brother? Wow. Silly me was worried that you would take the whole using the psychic crap thing badly." Sam said with sarcasm. "You are more than simply my brother to me."
"Oh bull shit Sam."
"What? What the hell does that mean?"
"You know what that means."
"It means that you think that I'm only around because we share blood."
"You really think that little of me?" Sam yelled.
"I think that I'm holding you back and you hate me for it."
"God. Get off of it! When are you going to forgive me for that?! It wasn't me!"
"Well then you must have a whole family of people living inside that body. There's the Sam who is the brother who would have done anything to save me from hell, there is the man who was so defiant that he was willing to give up everything to get his dream, there is the man that was my partner and who trusted me and my instincts, and then there is the you who uses his psychic crap despite warnings, from not just his brother but from angels and others. Oh and then there is the revenge driven you who is scary as hell. Oh and then we can't forget the you who killed Alistair with his mind?!"
"I wondered how long it would take you to throw that in my face." Sam said with a coldness that could have frozen the windshield of the Impala on a 100 degree day in Texas.
"I'm not throwing it in your face. Just asking. Because I can't keep up with the personality switching. One minute you are my emo brother, the next you are stone cold, ruthless, demon killing machine who could give a rat's ass what I think and what I know. Who is just so gung ho on killing these demons that he forgets about all of the people around him. You might want to get a sign to put around your neck so I know who I'm dealing with."
The words were like venom. They pulsed through Sam's veins as surly as the demon blood, and far more destructive than any amount that he could take from Ruby. The rage that he felt, was amplified by these words, and they acted as a truth serum "Same goes for you. I don't know who the hell you are anymore. The Dean I knew was always in charge, came with both guns blazing, do first ask questions later. My brother never turned down a hunt, my brother never backed off from a demon spouting lies and insults, he used them, kept them close to the vest and threw them back at the son of a bitch with a ferocity that could have destroyed a building. And My brother never cowered never. You, you, you are a man who would rather hide then fight. Would rather sit in Bobby's nice safe panic room curled into the fetal position sucking his thumb wishing that Mommy was there so he could be told everything will be all right."
The words hit Dean like a physical blow. Each one hitting a different part then when every word had touched his body they started over, and started creating bruises on top of bruises. When had Sam become so cruel? When had Sam become someone who would say things like this? When had he become such a coward? When had he become the very type of person that he detested? That's right. When he broke in hell and started this whole mess. Yeah. That was when. He licked his lips, the fight suddenly drained completely out of him. "You have no idea."
Sam anger like soap bubbles coming in contact with flower fizzled out and he glanced over at his brother. "What?"
Dean sighed, licked his lips again and starred out of the window and watched the empty fields breeze by him. "Nothing Sam."
Sam couldn't take it this time. Couldn't take the silence. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel, "Damn it Dean!" he yelled and jerked the car to the side of the road quickly, killed the engine and turned to his brother. Dean refused to look at him. "Look at me!" He yelled. Dean didn't move. "Look at me damn it!" Sam yelled louder. Sam grabbed his brother by the shirt and forced him to look him in the face. "Talk to me! God! Dean! Tell me Now! What in the hell don't I have an idea about! Fucking talk to me!"
"I started all of this."
"This argument? Yes you did. Who cares?"
"No! I started all of this. I started the freaking apocalypse. I'm the one who broke the first seal."
"What?" Sam asked quietly and slowly let Dean's shirt go.
"I did it Sam. When I broke in hell. When I took that razor out of Alistair's hands, when I made that first cut, no matter how shallow, no matter how hesitant, the moment the blood welled up and out of that soul, that was when it all happened. That was the first seal. I was too weak. And I'm going to be responsible for the deaths of 6 billion people." Sam's mouth went slack.
"No. That's not possible."
"It is. Alistair told me—"
"Demons lie." Sam said quickly.
"Cas confirmed it."
"I did it Sam. Me. Dean Freaking Winchester broke the first seal and will start the apocalypse and will be responsible for killing millions, no billions, of people. Me. I did this." Sam was speechless. He starred at his brother. Thousands of thoughts running through his head, how did he comfort Dean? How did he tell him that it wasn't' his fault without it sounding trite? How did he tell him that it would have take him a lot less time to break? That he would have done the same thing. How did he do that? "The kicker." Dean went on without Sam's brain having reached an answer nor his mouth providing a comfort. "The whole kicker of the matter is that Dad held out for close to 100 years. He didn't break. They wanted him to. Thought he would. But he got out. So they found the weakest link, me, and went for it. Yeah. I'm not the man that Dad wanted me to be." Dean licked his lips.
"They think I can stop it Sammy. But you've said yourself I'm too weak to fix this. It's too much. I'm not strong enough. No matter what some freaking angel says to the contrary. I'm not gonna be able to do it. Just can't." Dean cleared his throat and went back to looking out of the window.
"And that is why I ride you so hard about your powers. I know what hell is like, and I know what it does to people. I don't want you to go there, I don't want you to end up like me. You once said that you've been following me since you were four, looking up to me and wanting to be just like me. Well, don't Sammy. I'm not worth following. I'm a hypocrite and a fraud. Don't follow me. They should have just left me to rot in hell." Dean got out of the Impala before Sam could say anything. Sam fell back against the seat, mouth open, silent.