(for whatever reason it somewhat changed my format and spelling and capitalization when I uploaded it.)

Full House

Episode 1

"Full House Meets Rico"

Opening credits

FADE IN:

INT. TANNER LIVING ROOM – DAY

Dj is sitting watching tv and enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. as she takes a bite of the sandwich you can hear part of the newscast

Newscaster

This just in, it seems most types of peanut butter have been found to

have a deadly strain of poison. They have sent out a n

otice to all people who have purchased peanut butter in the last

20 days to return it to the store for a full refund as it could be dangerous

Dj spits the sandwich out and looks at it which a disgusted look on her face

DJ

Geeze, never thought I could live on the wild side just by eating a P.B. and J

Audience laughs

Just then danny tanner walks in through the front door

Danny

Its official! I'm the luckiest man in the world!

DJ

What happened?

DANNY

Well first, today at work I got to the vending machine to buy a clark bar, I put in my money, press the button.

And presto! Two clark bars come out of the machine. Then I go to use the pay phone in the break room and put in a quarter and BAM

two quarters come out of the machine! Its like they paid ME to USE THE PHONE!

audience laughs

DJ

Gee dad, you truly are rolling in the luck

Dj rolls her eyes. Audience laughs

Uncle jesse enters the living room through the kitchen door.

Uncle Jesse

Hi guys I'm just here for more blankets..

Danny and dj look at uncle jesse. They notice uncle jesse is very thin and pale with bloodshot red eyes.

DANNY

Jesse.. Where have you been? We haven't seen you much in the past few weeks or so.

UNCLE JESSE

(yells) LISTEN! I MOVED IN HERE TO HELP YOU RAISE THESE KIDS! IF I WANT TO LAY LOW FROM PEOPLE IN THE BASEMENT I DON'T NEED ANY FLACK FROM YOU ALRIGHT?! MY GOD ITS LIKE I'M IN A PRISON!

DANNY

What do you mean lay low from people? Are you in some type of trouble jess?

Jesse looks at danny giving a look like he just realized what he had said and flings his hand in the air and walks out of the room

DJ

Whats with uncle jesse?

DANNY

I'm not sure..

Danny walks into the kitchen after uncle jesse

Int. tanner kitchen - day

Jesse is pacing back in forth in the kitchen scratching his neck repeatedly. He looks up and notices danny walked in the kitchen and screams in fear

DANNY (CONT'D)

Jesse whats going on?!

JESSE

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIM!

DANNY

HIM WHO??

JUST AFTER HE SAID THAT THE PHONE RINGS. THE RINGING PHONE SCARES JESSE AND HE RUNS BACK INTO THE BASEMENT.

DANNY

Didn't know he was such a scardey cat.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

DANNY TURNS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE. THE TELEPHONE CONVERSATION GOES AS FOLLOWS

Danny: "Hello Tanner residence"
caller: "Do you have it?"

Danny: "Listen bucko you call here everyday and ask the same question! No I do not have anything!"

caller: "Last chance is up..*click*"

Danny hangs up the phone and shakes his head

Danny

Dang kids with there dang manly voices

Audience laughs

After saying that danny hears the door close and DJ scream from the living room. Danny then runs into the living room to see what's going on.

DANNY (CONT'D)

Deeje what is going on..

Danny looks up and realizes there's an italian man with many gold chains and a gun standing in the living room.

Rico

Where the fuck is jesse?! Tell me or ill blow you the fucks away right now!

DANNY

Woah woah woah. Whets this all about bub? You don't just walk into the Tanner household uninvited wielding a gun.

Rico looks at danny with a confused look

RICO

(shakes head in confusion) NO NO NO! NONE OF THIS SHIT! TELL ME WHERE JESSE IS!

Audience laughs

DJ becomes runs to her dad and grabs his leg

DJ

Dad I'm scared!

DanNY

Listen, mister..

RiCO

Call me Rico..now get..fucking...jesse

DANNY

Okay okay...he's in the basement.. I'll go get him. DJ you stay here

DJ

BUT DAD!

DANNY

Just do as I say

Danny walks through the kitchen door to go get jesse

Rico

Hey little girl bitch. You got any others in tha house right bout now?!

DJ

Just my little sister Michelle at the moment sir..

Rico

Well go upstairs and get tha sorry cunt..boy I gotta see this bitch. If shes even half as ugly as you I might just pass out from an ugly overload yah cunt (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Audience laughs

Dj runs upstairs to get michelle. rico sits on the couch and gets comfortable

Rico (CONT'D)

I CAN GET USED TAH THE FUCKIN CUNT SHIT HERE HAHHA! COUCH IS COUSHY LIKE SOFT BREAD THO HAHA!

DANNY WALKS BACK INTO THE ROOM THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR

DANNY

Jesses gone..

RICO

Not surprising, he was always one to travel.

Audience laughs akwardly

DJ and michelle begin to walk down the stairs while at the same time uncle joey walked through the front door

Joey

Hey guys I've got great new..

BANG. Rico shoots uncle joey in the face immediately killing him

Dj and michelle

NO UNCLE JOEY!

DJ AND MICHELLE RUN TO UNCLE JOEY. MICHELLE LOOKS AT THE BLOOD SOAKED HOLE IN UNCLE JOEYS FACE AND KISSES HIS FOREHEAD

MICHELLE

I'll miss you uncle joey..

RICO LOOKS DESIRABLY AT MICHELLE

RICO

I cant wait to see the pink..

Audience laughs awkwardly

Danny

Well...we'll do whatever you want..just please leave us alone...

RICO

I want the uncle jesse! (he shrieks)

DANNY

He's not here but what did you want with him??

RICO

The money.. MY ICE AINT FREE!!

DANNY LOOKS CONFUSED

DANNY

All this over a bag of ice cubes?

RICO

I MEAN THE CRYSTAL!

DANNY

Crystal meth?! No way jesse does that!

Cut to:

EXT. alleyway - day

We see jesse taking a big hit of crystal. He slowly exhales it.

JESSE

Have Mercy.

Audience laughs and applauds

Cut to:

INT. TANNER LIVING ROOM – DAY

We see dj and michelle sitting on the couch with tears in there eyes while rico stand in front of them staring at them while licking his lips. Danny then walks into the room covered in blood.

DaNNY

Look I'm almost done cutting up the body for you but can I please make my kids some lunch. Their starved.

Rico

ILL FEED THE FUCKING NEED! FINISH CHOPPIN!

DANNY WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND RICO FOLLOWS. THE FILM TRANSITIONS AND RICO WALKS OUT WITH TwO PB AND J SANDWICHES AND THROWS THEM ON THE TABLE

Rico (CONT'D)

Eat the butter jelly NOW!

Dj grabs the sandwich picks up the sandwich and looks at michelle

DJ

Do whatever he says Michelle.. If we do what he says well be okay.

Michelle then picks up the sandwich and eats it

Danny then walks back into the living room this time even more soaked in blood.

DaNNY

Okay I did what you wanted. No one will ever be able to identify that body. Can we please just go back to our normal lives. We have no idea where jesse is with your icicles.

Audience laughs

Rico

You've been good to me fagman. Ill let this be over for you guys

Rico quickly pulls out his gun and shoots danny in the head. Then quickly looks at dj and michelle.

DANNY

I just wanted the fagman to hack up a body before I killed him.

NO REASONS IN HERE THOUGH (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

ALL OF THE SUDDEN RICO STOPS LAUGHING AND POINTS THE GUN AT DJ. BANG. HE BLASTS HER IN THE FACE KILLING HER INSTANTLY. THEN HE LOOKS AT MICHELLE. rico notices Michelles face is severely puffed up and looks like she is in desperate need of medical assistance.

Rico

You look like you've had some of that poison peanut butter that does go round now (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

RICO (CONT'D)

So little pink...you like Italian sausage...

MiCHELLE

(tearing up) I don know sir. Im not sure ive had it.

RICO

Oh..taste this one..(rico starts to reach down for his zipper)

Just then stephanie walks into the house

Stephanie

Hi every body I..

Stephanie sees the carnage and blood all over the house and screams

StEPHANIE (CONT'D)

Daddy...dj.... what what..whyy!!!

RIGHT AFTER RICO LOOKS her then at THE CAMERA. THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS ON RICOs face.

RICO

Looks like it will be a threesome of pink pussy for me in the Full House HAHAHAHA

AUDIENCE GASPS

RHINESTONE COWBOY STARTS TO PLAY

ROLL CREDITS