Season 1/2. While searching for their dad, Dean is trying to hide a lot from both Sam, and himself. Can Dean handle the stress of the job when Sam is with him 24/7. Or will Dean finally have to face his emotions, and let Sam in.

Contains: Self-harm, non-con, and violence.

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own the boys, or anything related to the show. This is all just for fun.

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PROLOGUE

Dean wakes up in yet another crummy motel room. The room is still dark, as the sun has barely peaked above the horizon outside.

Dean is on his stomach wearing a t-shirt and boxers, lying on top of the covers. Dean groans and pushes himself off the bed and slowly makes his way to the bathroom.

When he turns on the light in the bathroom, the light reveals a nasty looking cut peaking out under the hem of his left t-shirt sleeve. There is dry blood down his arm, and his sleeve is crusted. Dean looks at himself in the mirror and shakes his head. He pulls off his t-shirt slowly, and cringes in pain as his shirt is pulled from his wound. The wound begins to slightly bleed again. He knows he should stitch the cut up, but instead he pulls off his boxers and hops into the shower.

It's been three days since he finished his solo gig in New Orleans, and over two weeks since he's spoken to his father. His father was supposed to meet up with him in this crap-hole of a town two days ago. Dean figured his father's gig gave him a little more trouble then his father anticipated. But last night Dean began to panic. He hasn't been able to get through to his father since they separated, which Dean was able to deal with as he was working on a hunt. But now, alone in a motel room for days waiting, Dean was starting to panic. He could not get a hold of his father at all, and none of their fellow hunter contacts have heard anything.

He did what he did because he was worried about his father. He refused to admit even to himself that it had anything to do with what happened the night he left New Orleans. Or what repressed memories of more messed up childhood events that seemed to bring back into his mind for a moment, but Dean tucked them all away, out of thought yet again. He couldn't think about that, no, he couldn't. Because if he did, if he really took the time to admit to himself what happen a couple nights ago, then he would have to admit what happened to him when he was a child. No, he had to find his father.

Dean picked up a nasty habit over the years, sure he's been through a lot, most of which he hides from the world, including his coping mechanism. Dean was usually a lot more careful than this. But last night he didn't care, and he cut deeper and longer than he's ever cut, and with his knife he keeps under his pillow. It was the closest thing to him as he began to have a panic attack after leaving his father yet another message on his voice-mail. Deeper than even the after the very fist time so many years ago.

In the shower he lets the water wash away the blood running down his arm. He thinks back to when he first found his release. He was much younger than, and messed up big time. His father never really looked at him the same, at least not in Dean's eyes. But his father didn't punish him either.

You see, before John really got into hunting he did not know what to do with his life anymore. Once Dean starting talking again, and taking care of Sammy, John stopped being much of a father. He started to train Dean hard, and ever once and awhile that training would land Dean an extra slap or punch if he did not do what was now expected of him. But after one night, where John got really drunk for the first time since getting into hunting, he beat Dean pretty bad. And this beating was not a result of a training session or a hunt gone wrong. John quickly saw what he was doing, and apologized profusely. Dean knew Sam was aware of what was happening, even if they would never talk about it and even though Sammy was so young at the time. Dean didn't mid, as long as their father never raised a hand to Sammy. He was also glad at the unspoken code of silence the brothers took up when it came to their father and his training methods. Because Dean can't do talking, emotional, anything, he just can't.

But after Dean almost got his little Sammy killed, he expected a beating. And when he never got one, he still thought he deserved to be punished for what he did, so he cut himself. It was partly an accident at first, but then he saw the release in that self-inflicted pain, he knew he found something to help with all his pent-up and hidden emotions and pain.

Dean shakes his head, trying to get out of his memories. It was no time to be down on himself for the way his life turned out, he needed to find his father.

Dean quickly packed up his things. When he checked his phone there was a message from his father. Dean collapsed onto the bed with relief. He quickly listened to the message.

Dad on voicemail: {Through much static} Dean, something is starting to happen, I think it's serious. I need to try to figure out what's going on {The rest is inaudible, as the static has taken over.} Be very careful Dean, we're all in danger.

Dean closes the phone. He needs to find his father. He's not that far from California, a day or so worth of driving. But he's got to make a stop first, because if his father really is hurt, or worse, dead, Dean will definitely go off the deep end if he'll alone.