Bisexual Psychopaths Named John

Summary: One of Jack's old boyfriends drops by the Hub. Utter crack. Sanctuary/Torchwood

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Own nothing, turn no profit. Yadda yadda

Author's Note: Credit/blame on this one to Kameka (of course) who got me terribly off-course while I was trying to write a serious Sanctuary fic about Watson's reaction to Druitt's betrayal. Are you happy now, Kam? Can I go back to breaking James Watson's heart the rest of the way now?

Bisexual Psychopaths Named John

They were just finishing the morning briefing when an odd sort of whooshing sound caused every head in the room to turn. A tall man in a black leather trench coat stood at the door to the meeting-room, leering at Jack.

"You haven't changed…"

"You have," Jack answered, unholstering his gun and leveling it at the man. "Ianto, Tosh, we need an EM shield over this place stat. An American by the name of Henry Foss can get you the specs. He works for one Doctor Helen Magnus who runs an organization called the Sanctuary. Mention that it's for me and they shouldn't give you any problems."

"We'll get right on it," Ianto assured him as Tosh started typing on her computer tablet.

"Thanks," Jack answered. "I have to say, John, the bald look suits you. The scar's kind of hot, too."

"You can put the gun away, 'Jack'," the bald man answered, holding his hands well away from his sides. "I've had a change of heart. I am completely cured."

"Yeah, like I'm going to buy that after the way you played James?"

"You're as bad as he was, rest his soul."

Jack's eyes widened. "James is dead?"

"That's right. Helen and I thought you might like to know."

"Helen?" He raised an eyebrow. "You two on again?"

"That's complicated."

"Given that it's the two of you, I'll buy that. As I recall, your version of foreplay was mainlining vampire blood together."

"Well, we're a little more sophisticated these days," he answered, grinning.

"I'll just bet you are. How is Helen?"

"She hasn't changed."

"Good to know." Jack glanced down at his gun, then back up at John. "You said you're cured. How's that work?"

In answer, John unbuttoned his shirt and bared his chest, revealing a patchwork of livid, circular scars.

Jack winced and gave a sympathetic hiss. "Tesla?"

A wry expression and a nod. "Not that curing me was his intent."

"I'll bet not. Last I heard he was trying to raise an army of undead minions?"

"Well, he figured out the 'raising the dead' part, but giving them anything resembling intelligence or free will is still beyond him. Not that the arrogant ass was ever as good as he liked to believe."

"I can see there's still a lot of love between you and Nicky Tesla."

"'Nicky' Tesla?" Ianto repeated, staring at Jack with wide eyes. "As in Nikola Tesla?"

"The same," John agreed, his expression bitter. "Although I still say--"

"He leeched off Edison and cheated Marconi," Jack interrupted, shaking his head. "Yeah, John, we know."

"Sorry." He forced a smile. "You still have a gun trained on me, Jack. Is that any way to treat a former lover?"

"Depends entirely on the former lover."

"Jack, who is this man?" Gwen asked.

"Ex-boyfriend of mine. Montague John Druitt."

"Bloody hell!" Ianto gasped, jumping to his feet. "Jack!?!?"

Owen, Tosh, and Gwen stared at Ianto blankly. Ianto ignored them and glared at Jack.

"I was young!" Jack explained. "It was an honest mistake. It's not like I knew at the time."

"You shagged Jack the Ripper?"

He shrugged and grinned. "Why do you think he picked the alias 'Jack'?"

"What?" Gwen demanded, staring between Jack and John with wide eyes.

"I'm just going to go try to get in touch with this Mister Foss," Tosh announced, slipping past John and fleeing the area.

Owen stared at John, looking fascinated. "The decelerated aging is from the vampire blood, yes?"

"A nice side-effect," he agreed.

"To offset the not-so-nice ones," Jack scoffed. "This guy was an elementary schoolteacher back in the day. Few milliliters of vampire blood and the world gets Jack the Ripper."

"So, probably not something we want to look into for its medical benefits," Owen declared.

"Oh, I don't know," John answered, shrugging. "The exact same blood also turned James Watson into Sherlock Holmes."

"And gave the world the thieving, raping Invisible Man," Jack countered.

"And Nikola Tesla."

Jack frowned in confusion. "That last one supposed to be a good thing or a bad one?"

"I think it may be both, Jack. But let us never forget that the Source Blood also gave the world Helen Magnus, which more than makes up for the rest of us."

"Helen," Jack purred with a nostalgic smile. "Oh, God. Hell of a woman…"

"I suppose you were sleeping with all five of them?" Ianto asked, rolling his eyes.

"Nope. Helen and James wouldn't have me, I wouldn't have Nikola because while he is great-looking he's also a complete ass and, honestly, Griffin was always a little on the flaky side…"

John raised an eyebrow. "A little?"

"Yeah, well…" Jack shrugged. "Okay, so he was completely around the bend."

"That's putting it lightly."

Ianto tilted his head, frowning at John. "The fact that you're the one saying this…"

John smiled and inclined his head. "Says it all, young man, yes. I don't think I caught your name."

A nervous smile. "Ianto Jones."

John chuckled and nodded, walking over and grasping Ianto's hand, smiling warmly down at him. "And I trust you're taking good care of Jack here, Ianto Jones?"

"In every important respect," Jack assured him, winking at Ianto. "Clears away the bodies, arranges cover-stories with the press, makes excellent coffee, fantastic in the sack. And in the office. And in the archives. And in the morgue. And in the Visitor's Office. And on the roof. And--"

"I think I get the point, Jack," John chuckled, smacking the blushing Ianto on the back.

At some point during Jack's recitation, a blushing Gwen had fled the room, leaving only the four men.

"Ianto's a real prize." Jack grinned. "Every guy should have one." He leered at Ianto, whose face went from red to purple.

John laughed. "I could have used one myself, back in the day. James was a dear friend, but you know what they say. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies…"

"I'm going to go see how Tosh is doing," Ianto said quickly, retreating from the conference room.

John threw his head back and laughed. "Excitable, isn't he?"

"He has his moments," Jack agreed, grinning and shaking his head. "But he's a good man to have at your back in a crisis," he assured John.

Owen was still sitting at the conference table, staring at the two speculatively.

"Yes?" John asked politely.

"This vampire blood…"

"No longer in my hands, sorry."

"Shame. Don't suppose I could get a sample of yours?"

Jack shook his head firmly. "Helen would kill all three of us and Ianto would have a hard time finding the bodies."

Owen considered this. "You have some very strange friends, Jack."

Jack shrugged. "Can't argue with that. Teleporting serial killer, supergenius, immortal mad scientist, half-vampire, invisible sociopath, undead Chief Medical Officer…"

Owen made a face at him. "Nice, Jack. Thanks so much for reminding me…"

John raised an eyebrow. "He's undead? Really? Does Helen know?"

"I stay out of Helen's world and she steers clear of mine. The cause of Owen's resurrection was technological, not natural. Not her sphere."

"If you say so, old boy."

"I do."

"Still upset she couldn't cure you of your immortality?"

Jack shrugged. "I don't have quite the chip on my shoulder that I used to about not being able to die, but that doesn't make it fun, either. At least James can be at peace now." He hesitated. "Did you two…"

"Yes." John nodded, expression pained. "We were able to make our peace before he died."

"I'm glad." Jack smacked his arm. "You two were a hell of a couple."

Owen stared. "Jack the Ripper was sleeping with Sherlock Holmes?"

Jack laughed. "Does that really surprise you? You don't think, otherwise, they would have actually caught John?"

"Bloody hell," Owen muttered, looking distinctly impressed.

"Oh," John said, reaching into a back pocket and withdrawing his wallet. "I meant to show you this."

He handed Jack a photo of a leggy blonde in skintight black leather.

"Very nice," Jack breathed, nodding his approval. "For a gay man, you have excellent taste in women, John. Is she available?"

"Careful, Jack," John warned, a low drawl. "That's my daughter you're talking about."

"Your…" Laughing, Jack pulled him into a hug. "So you and Helen…"

"Hardly." John shook his head. "Helen was already pregnant when we separated. She opted to leave the embryo in stasis for about a hundred years but ultimately decided to go ahead and have Ashley after all."

"Guess that's one way of coming to terms with your past," Jack answered, shrugging. "But, seriously. Available?"

"That depends on whether you take into account the werewolf who's always sniffing around her."

"Did you say werewolf?" Owen demanded. "You're actually saying vampires and werewolves are real?"

"Well, vampires have been extinct for some time and protean life-forms are on the verge as well, but they do still exist in isolated pockets, yes." He nodded.

Owen looked as if Christmas had come early.

"John, if you steal my medic from me…" Jack warned, mock-stern, laughing shaking his head.

John looked Owen over for a moment. "How about if I just borrow him for a few hours?" he leered.

"Hey, that's between the two of you," Jack answered, holding up his hands.

"Doesn't have to be," John pointed out.

"No thanks. Ianto kind of prefers it if I'm monogamous."

"Your loss."

Jack sighed. "I know. I remember."

"Well, I would certainly hope so!"

"You were a good student. Eager. I liked that about you."

"And you were an inventive teacher. I really liked that about you."

"I remember," Jack chuckled, shaking his head.

"Are all immortals sexually ambiguous adventurers whose libidos are stuck in permanent overdrive?" Owen asked.

"I couldn't say," John answered with a shrug. "I've only known a handful of functional immortals and Jack's the only true immortal I've ever encountered." He smiled. "Still, being a scientist, I'm sure you appreciate the value of… experimentation to support or refute that hypotheses."

Jack laughed at the look on Owen's face. Intrigued but also more than a little freaked. And why not? It wasn't every day Jack the Ripper propositioned you.

"Well, I'll leave you two to figure that out," he chuckled, leaving the briefing room.

"Uh, Jack!" Owen called after him.

"Don't worry, Owen. John actually likes guys!" he called over his shoulder. "You're perfectly safe!"

When he got back to his office, Ianto was waiting there, not looking pleased.

Jack flashed his most winning smile.

"I don't know why I let anything about you surprise me anymore," Ianto sighed. "I only have one question."

"Okay." Jack sat on the edge of his desk. "Shoot."

"What is it with you and bisexual psychopaths named John?"

The End