Well, since everyone and their mother (and their dog) is doing one of these "answering machine" fics, I figured it was only a matter of time before I did something similar. Considering I have practically no experience writing humor... if this is even mildly funny, I'll have succeeded. However, it might not go beyond Artoo. This was actually originally written for another fic, but I decided to post it up independently. Also, the binary present in the fic is inaccurate except for one plus one equals ten.

Disclaimer: Star Wars doesn't belong to me. This is called "fanfiction" remember?


10000000000101010010010010010101010101010010000001111100101111110100110010100000000011111111100000011010101001000010001

(Auto Translation from Binary: Hello, this is the inbox of R2-D2. If you are hearing this message, then I am out rescuing either C-3P0 or one of my human masters from themselves. Oh, shut up, Threepio, I'm not having "delusions of grandeur," as you so eloquently put it. You know it's true. I really ought to weld your mouth shut one of these days. Please leave a message after the beep -- wait, scratch that, leave a message after the tone. Okay. I got it. No jokes. Especially from you, Seefour. I know what you're like.)

-beep-

Artoo, this is Anakin. I'd like to clear one thing up: WHY do you seem to have holovids of me and Padme in the most... ahem, interesting moments?

-beep-

This is Obi-Wan. I know you're a dependable droid, so I want to assign a task for you. Please make sure that no matter what happens, Anakin will come to count on you to stop him from making bad decisions, or at least regret making them. You know what I mean.

-beep-

10001010101000011111100101000100010010101010101

(Auto Translation from Binary: Hey there, handsome. What say that you and I go out for some lube later, if you know what I mean? Hee hee...)

-beep-

Artoo Detoo, this is Jocasta Nu. I may have granted you special access to the Jedi Archives, but PLEASE use hands to grab the books.

-beep-

Artoo! Where is Skyguy? I can't seem to find him anywhere! I know that I may not have been the best Padawan, and that he always threatened to "go Dark Side" on me, but I'm sincere in that I want to apologize to him for the incident with the shaving cream and Master Windu that occurred two years ago. PLEASE tell him that when you see him!

-beep-

Artoo Detoo! It's Princess Leia. I need you here! I won't tell you all the details at the moment in case this message is intercepted, but it involves a rather destructive grapefruit. But, ah, I don't think anyone will be eating this grapefruit.

-beep-

Thanks for welding Goldenrod's mouth shut; I owe ya one. I'll even get you that shipment of illegal WD-40 from a few... contacts of mine. For free. No strings attached. Just send the signal.

-beep-

Mmmfmfmmfmfmmfmmmmffff!

(Auto Translation: Artoo Detoo, how could you?! *sob*)

-beep-

Congratulations, Mr. Artoo Detoo! You have just won a trip for two to smelly, slimy Dagobah! The place where fish eat droids and where green elves talk backwards and teach magic, this is one trip that you definitely don't want to miss! Note: We are not responsible if you somehow end up eaten or if your companion has a nervous breakdown in our Dark Forest.

-beep-

I hear you're always having to pull someone out of impossible situations they get into. I'm pretty sick of how Rock ends up trapped in an elevator shaft all the time. Wanna trade your kid-trying-to-be-a-hero with mine? It'll make a nice change. I'm on a planet that... apparently... doesn't exist... Wait a minute... I'll get back to you later once I find out where my planet is…

-beep-

RAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOR! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

(Auto Translation: You owe me a snack! Why did you have to taste so bad, anyways? You tasted like that sharp bright object thrown by a weird green elf that went down my throat and gave me a stomachache. And somehow he got it OUT of my throat. Oh fishsticks, just give me the snack already!)

-beep-

The signal has been sent. Enjoy.

-beep-

Artoo Detoo. Yoda, it is. Mine, the lamp is.

-beep-

Mr. Detoo, this is the Coruscant- ah, Imperial Library Service. Your copy of An Astromech's Guide to Humans and Other Organics is 25 years and 13 days overdue. You have incurred 25,000 credits in fines. Please be advised that you will not be able to check out any other items until this book is returned and the fines are paid in full.

-beep-

Droid, this is the great Emperor Palpatine. How DARE you attempt to blackmail me, the exalted one?! I'll get you, my pretty! And your little Jedi too!

-beep-

It has been years since we have last met, Artoo Detoo. The Emperor showed me something very, ah, interesting. Might I question where you found the holovid of the Emperor singing "Every Time We Touch" by Cascada?

-beep-

This is the great Emperor Palpatine again. On second thoughts, I'll just pay you the 100,000,000,000 credits.

-beep-

Mothma's mailbox? Oh Force. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Is Palpatine hoping to defeat the Alliance by causing the leader to vomit to death?

-beep-

1001010010100000101111110101000100101010101010110100101111111001

(Auto Translation from Binary: Hey, Detoo! It's Emfive. Just calling to remind you about the party we're holding at the end of the week. All the astromechs said that they're going to come. Oh, by the way… I hear Veesix is gonna be there, Detoo… hee hee.)

-beep-

What sort of mishaps has my son been getting into? Remind him to dress warmly on Hoth and to stay away from furry, white Yodas- excuse me, Yetis. Yoda is wrinkly and green. Though he should stay away from Yoda, too, Force knows what that elf would do to him. Corrupt him with Light side teachings? Is that even possible?

-beep-

10010000001111111100000000100101011001010000010101011101-

(Auto Translation from Binary: Detoo and Veesix, sitting in a tree, L-U-B-I-)

10011001111!

(Auto Translation from Binary: Seefour!)

-beep-

Oh, and make sure that he has clean underwear, too, and showers everyday. That first one is very important – he does not know the importance of clean underwear. The blackmail material about the Emperor is amusing. I must thank you for the video. Do you have any on my son that I can use?

-beep-

100001010101010100001011110101001010101001011010111110001010001000

(Auto Translation from Binary: Just want to remind you to bring the WD-40. I hear that, despite being banned, it's all the rage amongst astromechs in the galaxy. I don't think any of us have tried it, but I really want to. That smuggler friend of yours really does come in handy. Would welding a protocol's droid mouth shut get me on his good side? Or does it just have to be Threepio?)

-beep-

Artoo Detoo, you wouldn't DARE. Tell him about that and I'll Force choke you. Never mind that you don't breathe. The Dark Side will find a way.

-beep-

Hey Artoo. Vader, er, father, er, you-know-who called and accidentally mentioned that you gave him a very convincing argument about coming back to the Light side, then vehemently denied it when I inquired further. Might I ask what it is? He and I are going to have a talk one night. No, no, not THAT talk!

-beep-

Congratulations, Artoo Detoo! You have been inducted into the Earth Robot Hall of Fame!

-beep-

Kenobi set you up to that, didn't he? I KNEW I shouldn't have taken him for that joyride through Coruscant's lower levels all those years ago…

-beep-

This is Mon Mothma. I'll have you know that obscene behavior is not tolerated in the Alliance, even in droids. Clean up your act -- and your dome while you're at it. You look like a grapefruit exploded near you.

-beep-

Someone told me that a droid would be able to help me with my binary homework. I picked you because you're a hero. It's not making any sense to me. Can you tell me why 1 plus 1 is 10?

-beep-

Hey Artoo, it's Luke. What do you mean, you don't know what Mothma's talking about? She's talking about the "Astromechs Gone Wild" holovid we found in Wes's stash the other night. Let me tell you, I had no idea that you were built with such... ahem, functions.

-beep-

But doesn't 1 plus 1 equal 2? Or 11? Why 10? Please, Mr. Artoo Detoo, I don't understand what you are telling me. I'm still a beginner in binary, so can you speak Basic please?

-beep-

Artoo Detoo, I thought we were friends! Why didn't you tell me you were involved with Artoo Emfive and Artoo Seefour? You know that I am a master of six million forms of communication and may have been able to aid you!

-beep-

100000001111110101001001010101010010001010001110011011111011101010

(Auto Translation from Binary: Hey Detoo, it's Emfive. Look, I'm sorry about the holovid. Seefour got a little carried away with the WD-40.)

-beep-

1011111010111010101110010000001011111000000111000100001??????!!!!!!!!

(Auto Translation from Binary: How was I supposed to know that WD-40 had the same effect as alcohol?!)

-beep-

Next time, I suggest that you break dance elsewhere. That was Wedge's favorite statue. You might want to stay away from the X-Wings until he stops carrying those pliers around.

-beep-

Does your owner or friend have a knack of getting into impossible situations without meaning to? Do they always say they never need your help, and then later end up eating their words? Do you always have to save the day with a normal, ordinary droid function? If so, then head over to the Imperial Droids' and Machines' Intelligence Club. Meets every Second Day on Coruscant at 1530 Standard Time. Come share your personal experiences with us!

-beep-

It's me again. You got the call for the Intelligence Club, right? I think I'll head there myself and have a few drinks. This time, Rock nearly poked himself with a knife yesterday, and we learned early on that he and sharp, pointy objects don't mix; they somehow cause him to disintegrate into spheres and reform a few rooms away. It's pretty bizarre, I know… does that happen to your machines?

-beep-

Artoo Detoo, it seems that I have been inducted into the Earth Robot Hall of Fame! Clearly, they have recognized my talents. Take that you idiotic blob of – oh, it seems that you have been inducted previously as well. Never you mind.

-beep-

This is Mon Mothma. I will conveniently overlook your past behavior if you promise to delete anything in my inbox sent by the being known as "Your Palpy of Dark Love". If these are Palpatine's tactics to winning the war, then the Alliance may very well fall.

-beep-

Artoo Detoo! I seem to have lost my head again! Oh, where is it now?! Help me!

-beep-

Ah, my head seems to be at its proper position. Never you mind.

-beep-

Welcome back from your heroic exploits across the galaxy, Artoo Detoo. You have 1138 unread messages in your Galactic Tech Inbox.


Like I said, if this is even mildly funny, I'll have succeeded. Don't ask where I got the Mothma/Palpatine from. Please don't. And yes, those are Rockman/MegaMan (my main fandom) references you see there. :) What can I say?