Horny idiots ch.17

WARNING: Brace yourself, Itachi is writing this chapter. If anyone is wondering how things got here, see the author's comment of the previous chapter…

*everything gets dark, the author disappears, and Itachi finds himself in a house he has never seen before*

… … …

Well, let me see… Hm, she has a nice comp, the bitch. I must check if she has downloaded some hot ItaSasu pics. I bet she has. Oh, wait, I was supposed to write a fic. Right. Hey, why am I typing my thoughts? Whatever. Now, since the annoying author is gone, let me start the chapter. So…

It's a nice and tranquil morning at the Uchiha house. Even though Itachi is missing, there is an Itachi clone in his place because a fic that contains ItaSasu pairing just can't go without at least some sort of Itachi. Besides, everyone knows that if you want a fic to be cool, you need to have Itachi in it. If you have any doubts about that, go read "Fanfiction writing manual for retarded fangirls". Sasuke wrote it one day when he was bored.

So, the Itachi clone is happily sleeping in the middle of the bed. Naruto is tied up and locked in the closet, his mouth sealed with duct tape. This is the main reason why the morning is so peaceful and quiet.

The Itachi clone is woken up by the skillful tongues of Sasuke and Deidara. They're licking his impressive morning wood. Clone or not, he tastes good. They're in awe and they can't get enough. They're sucking like crazy the big, no, the huge cock of the Itachi clone… Hey, that sounds so good. Itachi's huge cock. Yeah, huge. HUGE. Itachi's HUGE cock. The next time Sasuke is misbehaving, he'll have to write this sentence one hundred times for punishment. Just because a whole page of it would look so good. Whatever.

The Itachi clone comes hard and then Sasuke and Deidara bring him breakfast in bed. The Itachi clone is eating and reading the newspaper. In the newspaper it is said that someone killed the person who created "I am Weasel". Finally some good news. Meanwhile, somewhere in Konoha Tsunade is being raped by an army of weasels. Serves her right.

When the Itachi clone is done with the breakfast and the newspaper, he spends some time listening to the silence. Because the lack of Naruto's loud voice sounds so good.

Sasuke and Deidara bend over. They're on the bed next to each other, their butts high in the air. The Itachi clone takes his time shoving his cock in both asses, taking turns in the two holes.

Then the Itachi clone is left alone with Sasuke. Deidara is in a random corner, too busy blowing himself up, or something.

"I miss the real Itachi," Sasuke says. "Where is he?"

"He's on a literary mission," the Itachi clone replies with an air of mystery, his tone implying the importance of whatever the real Itachi is busy with. "Don't ask stupid questions and give me some fun."

Sasuke starts fucking himself with whatever he can find. This looks good like it always does. He is moaning and writhing like crazy, shoving random elongated objects in his butt. In front of others he may glare all he wants and make the badass ninja face, but everyone knows that deep down he's a little horny whore.

"When the real Itachi comes back," he says, "I'll do anything to please him, I'll beg, I'll be perverted, I'll humiliate myself, anything."

The Itachi clone sighs happily and thinks life is perfect.

...

Somewhere in a gloomy wilderness in the middle of nowhere, Orochimaru, Pein and the author of "Horny idiots" are lying on the ground in a random forest. They're sprawled next to each other, tied up and helplessly rolling in the dust.

"What the fuck am I doing here with these people?" Orochimaru yells. "I don't get it! I was in my laboratory and I was making some experiments when everything got dark and then I found myself here!"

"Hm, weird indeed. A similar thing happened to me." Pein is trying to figure out the situation.

"Relax, guys. No need to freak out. Itachi is writing this chapter, that's what's going on. Now he's the one to decide what will happen in the story. Judging by our pitiful condition, apparently the three of us are the people he hates the most. Which means we're screwed up. Now when I think of it, there is a reason to freak out." The author is trying to sound bold, but the other two notice her voice is shaking a bit. The situation must be really serious.

They spend some time in silence. Then they notice the three of them are dressed in ridiculous green outfits just like Gai and Rock Lee's. They scream in panic and start writhing in their restraints. The ropes are pretty tight and the whole thing looks funny.

"Oh my god! This is a crime against fashion!" Orochimaru is hysterical.

"Well, these clothes are hideous, indeed, but if they were pink, it wouldn't be too bad," Pein sighs, looking at himself, then at Orochimaru and the author. "Unfortunately they're green. Damn, we look like frogs."

"The bastard!" the author yells. "Itachi's taking revenge for that time when Pein wanted to make him do "I am Weasel" cosplay. I can't stand this thing on me, it's dreadful!"

Some time later they manage to loosen the ropes and they get free. The three of them hurry to take off the green costumes and throw them away with disgust.

There's uncomfortable silence for two minutes. Then Orochimaru finally speaks.

"You know, these clothes were awful, but don't you think standing here only in our underwear is a bit awkward?"

They look at each other. Orochimaru is wearing black boxers, "Whitesnake" written across his butt. Pein is with a pink thong. The author stares.

"Well, some of us at least have underwear," Pein says, he and Orochimaru give the author curious looks.

The author looks at herself and screams, realizing that she's wearing nothing.

"Itachi, you motherfucker!" she yells.

"Why did you tell her? We could have waited to see when she was going to notice," Orochimaru giggles. The author rips off pieces of green cloth and manages to create some pitiful excuse of an outfit that is too skimpy and barely covers anything.

"Tch. Another crime against fashion," Pein murmurs. Orochimaru sighs heavily.

The three of them try to find a way out of the forest.

...

The Itachi clone is in bed with the hokage and the new mizukage. Screwing higher-ups always feels good. So, he is lying on the mattress, Tsunade and Mei are rubbing their breasts in his face. Two kage in one bed sounds like a serious thing, but the Itachi clone can handle this situation easily because, as it was already said and could be emphasized one more time, Itachi's dick is huge.

The two bitches take turns impaling themselves on his cock, riding him like crazy and shaking their tits. After that the Itachi clone blissfully comes in their mouths. Then in the bedroom arrive all the other busty girls that were ever shown in this anime, and all of them start rubbing their tits all over Itachi's body. His face disappears somewhere between the bouncing boobs of that blond filler episode whore Hotaru, while Samui is pressing hers around his cock.

When all the girls leave, Itachi is a bit dizzy after dealing with so many tits at the same time, but Hotaru has somehow reminded him of another filler episode whore. Utakata.

Since hot characters like that should not be wasted, Utakata appears in the bedroom. After all those tits and cunts, it's nice to see a nice, tight male ass again. The Itachi clone slides his cock inside with immense pleasure, enjoying the cold glares Utakata throws at him over his shoulder. That kid's behaviour somehow reminds the Itachi clone of Sasuke and this turns him on even more. Utakata is trying to maintain a stoic expression, but this turns out to be kinda difficult when the Itachi clone starts banging him harder. Utakata's dark locks fly around his face as his body is shaking back and forth at every thrust. Finally the Itachi clone manages to get a proper uke face from him and allows himself to come, filling whimpering Utakata with his hot, sticky cum. Then he hurries to shove his cock in Utakata's mouth and watch him suck it. The boy still wears that adorable uke expression, and the Itachi clone is presented with the charming view he expected. Utakata seems a bit displeased, but that's what you get when you're a cute little boy and you tend to walk around in a disheveled kimono and throw provocative cold glares at everyone. An evil pervert will notice you sooner or later.

...

Still in the middle of nowhere, Orochimaru, Pein and the author are walking on a dusty road.

"Guys, I don't want to bother you, but we're still wearing only underwear. I have no idea where we're going, but people will be disturbed to see us almost naked. It's not a good thing to attract unwanted attention."

Orochimaru and Pein stop walking for a moment and start thinking. They hate to admit it, but the author has a point.

"We need to buy some clothes. I hope we find something fancy," Orochimaru says with a dreamy look.

"The problem is we have no money." The author kills his enthusiasm and brings him back to the sad reality. "Someone will have to sell his body. I suggest it's Pein-chan."

"Why me?" Pein whines dramatically.

"Because the readers are interested in your ass, not mine. That's why."

Pein shakes his head sadly. The author has a point again.

...

It's time to watch a movie. Or maybe not. There are far better things for watching.

The Itachi clone is sprawled on the couch, eating popcorn. On the table in front of him Kakashi and Genma are fucking madly. Kakashi is on all fours, Genma is pounding his ass. Hard. It's a nice view, indeed. Genma is big. Now, to avoid any misunderstanding, let's remind everyone that no one is as huge as Itachi. That being said, Genma is big and he's sliding his cock in and out of Kakashi, stretching him so nicely. The Itachi clone is drooling profusely and soaking his popcorn as he's watching the thick shaft plunging in to the hilt.

Kakashi is clawing the table, Genma driving his cock right into his sweet spot again and again. They both come hard and the table gets splattered with cum. Someone will have to clean all this mess. This means it's time to call Deidara and Sasuke.

...

Pein is screaming like mad while Orochimaru and the author are dragging him toward the door of a brothel. He reluctantly joins the cute bishies who work there. The brothel is crammed with fangirls.

The sight of Pein being ravaged by the crowd of ferocious fangirls is horrific. The author is concerned about Orochimaru's safety and covers his eyes. No matter how evil he is, such a scene can cause irreversible damage to his poor mind.

When everything is over, Orochimaru and the author are happily counting the money while Pein is regaining consciousness. They buy some clothes and find a place to stay because it's getting dark and they still have no idea where they are. They have money only for one small hotel room.

...

Sasuke and Deidara are cleaning the house. Dressed in sexy maid outfits. The Itachi clone is painting his nails. It's so nice when someone else is doing all the work. And it's extremely amusing to watch how Sasuke and Deidara are cleaning the table from Kakashi's cum. With their tongues. Considering the number of Deidara's tongues, the sight is impressive.

They hear the sound of the doorbell. Apparently there's someone at the door. In fact, there's a whole bunch of people at the door and Deidara lets them in. About twelve ANBU guys file in the room. Since they're not allowed to show their faces, they're wearing masks. And in order to make things kinkier, they're not with their usual masks, but with some leather stuff obviously bought from a sex shop.

They get naked. It's time to demonstrate some good team work. The first guy bends over and one of the others sticks his cock into his ass. Then a third one sticks his cock into the second one's ass and this process is repeated until all of the twelve guys are stuck together in a line. Everyone knows that ANBU guys are a big deal, but this sight is intimidating even for the Itachi clone. Now is the moment to say that all of the ANBU guys are big, but no one is as big as Itachi.

Sasuke and Deidara hurry to take their places in the long line. For now the Itachi clone is just watching everyone moving in perfect synchronization. The ANBU guys are so good at this kind of things.

Muffled sounds come from the closet. The Itachi clone wonders for a moment if he has forgotten something in there, then he decides there's no such thing and continues watching. The sounds from the closet get desperate.

"Hey, where is Naruto? I haven't seen him today," Sasuke is wondering.

"I have no idea, Sasu, I really have no idea," the Itachi clone says nonchalantly. Sasuke is about to say something else, but a particularly hard slam from the ANBU guy behind him makes him shut up.

The Itachi clone gets bored. Now it's time for the big fun. The ANBU guys separate and all of them bend over in front of the Itachi clone. Sasuke and Deidara join them. Now the Itachi clone has fourteen asses to choose from. He makes sure he pounds every single one. Life is so sweet.

...

In their small hotel room, Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are in front of the mirror in the bathroom and they're brushing their teeth.

"Considering the fact that Itachi is writing this chapter, things could have been much worse. At least he's only trying to humiliate us, and not kill us," the author mumbles. Orochimaru and Pein let out incoherent sounds that indicate their agreement. They're thankful they're still alive, even though they realize they look really pathetic.

Orochimaru is eyeing the front of Pein's new boxers. "Wow, man, you must be very big," he says. Pein shifts his eyes toward him.

"You're not small either. I can't even tell which one is bigger. Though everyone knows Itachi has the biggest one."

"Yeah." Orochimaru looks down with content. "I think yours and mine are equal in size."

"Well, maybe they're equally long, but I'm not sure if they're equally thick."

Orochimaru pulls the waistband of his boxers and looks inside. "Mine's pretty thick, you know."

"Well, mine either." Pein is thoughtfully scratching the front of his boxers.

The author looks inside her panties, shrugs and feels left out of the conversation. Finally she yells "Ha! You have no tits!"

"This doesn't mean I can't wear a bra when I feel like it," Pein says nonchalantly, Orochimaru nods in agreement.

"Well," the author tries to be mean, "I bet Itachi with a bra will look much better than you."

Orochimaru nods in agreement again.

Somehow the conversation turns into a brawl which ends up with Pein shoving the toothbrush in Orochimaru's throat, the author squeezing toothpaste in Pein's eyes, and Orochimaru splashing everyone with water. The conclusion is that three insane idiots in one bathroom is not a good thing.

...

The floor of the living-room is covered with exhausted ANBU guys lying in puddles of cum. Someone has to clean all the mess. It's time for Sasuke and Deidara in maid outfits again.

The Itachi clone is tired. Maybe it really is time to see a movie. He settles comfortably on the couch and starts watching "Slaughtering the fangirls 5". It is said to be much bloodier than "Slaughtering the fangirls 4".

At some point Deidara appears in front of the screen and starts brushing the dust off the TV. Each movement makes him wiggle his naked butt, so round and deliciously revealed by the incredibly short skirt of black satin and white lace. The Itachi clone forgets the movie and some heavy banging follows.

...

One small bed can be a big problem.

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are under the covers, trying to sleep.

"Damn you, Pein, your feet are cold!" Orochimaru sounds upset.

"There's no space here, I can't breathe, move away, people!" Pein is fidgeting in the middle.

"You move away!" Orochimaru barks back.

"You two shut up! I'm almost falling off the bed." The author pushes Pein into Orochimaru.

"Why are you complaining, Pein?" Orochimaru keeps fretting. "Your fat ass takes most of the space, anyway."

"It's not fat! I'm on a diet."

The author is pondering over her situation. Being stuck in one bed with quarreling Pein and Orochimaru sounds like a wet dream that turned into a nightmare by mistake. Only Itachi's twisted mind can come up with something so ridiculous.

The quarrel seems to go on forever, but finally it somehow ends and they manage to fall into a heavy slumber. Time passes and the morning comes. Everyone is sleeping, Orochimaru and Pein hugging each other. The author is too tired and she's sound asleep, missing the chance to molest them. The previous day had been too exhausting for all of them and they need their rest.

Pein starts shifting restlessly and everyone wakes up.

"Oro, why are you pressing that thing into me?" Pein sounds a bit annoyed.

"It's morning wood, moron, I can't help it. Besides, you have one too."

"Shut up, damn it, I don't care if you two are poking each other with your boners, I'm trying to sleep here. If you're not going to do anything perverted to me, or at least initiate some yaoi, just keep quiet."

Their fidgeting stops and there is silence for a minute.

"You know, Pein, that's not a bad idea at all."

"You mean…"

"You and me, you know…" Orochimaru winks.

Two minutes later, the screaming and kicking author is thrown out of the room and the door is slammed in her face and locked. She starts banging desperately on the door and yells "It's not fair! At least let me watch, damn it!"

The door remains locked and she goes away, her heart broken. It's so sad… Her grief is devastating.

Oh come on, missing the chance to watch yaoi could break anyone's heart, you know it.

Half an hour later the author comes back and finds the door unlocked. She enters and sees Pein and Orochimaru sitting on the bed with grim faces.

"This has never happened to me before!" Pein whimpers in frustration, his lower lip trembling.

"Never happened to me either." Orochimaru sniffs.

"Didn't you…" the author stops in the middle of the sentence, suddenly realizing the severity of the situation.

"We did nothing!" Pein yells in despair. "We… we… we couldn't."

"We… we somehow lost the morning wood and then we… we couldn't get hard again. We tried, but we just couldn't… it didn't work…" Orochimaru's head is hanging low in shame.

"It's Itachi's fault!" The author yells. "Now he's writing the fic and he made this happen, the idiot!"

Everyone is upset. Orochimaru is angrily slamming his fist on the mattress and Pein is crying on the author's shoulder. "There, there, Pein-chan, it happens to everyone, or so they say," the author is trying to comfort him and fails. The atmosphere is tragic.

...

Neji arrives at the Uchiha house. In chapter 6 he taught Itachi how to make his special apple pie. Now it's time for another cooking lesson. This time they're going to make a chocolate cake. Deidara is whining and begging them like crazy until they get sick of him and accept him as their assistant.

Neji is enthusiastic, but the Itachi clone feels inspiration hit him and decides to change the recipe a bit. Creativity is a good thing. The new version of the recipe contains two basic ingredients. Chocolate and Sasuke.

"I'm a genius. I should write a whole book with recipes!" The Itachi clone is proud of himself.

Neji is staring at the book he has brought and is reading the recipe aloud. Most of the words are scratched and Itachi has scribbled some stuff over them, changing the whole recipe into something entirely different.

"You take one fresh Sasuke, carefully peel off his clothes and wash him, then you sprawl him on the table."

"Done." Deidara grins happily and forces naked Sasuke to lie on top of the table.

"Start spreading the chocolate all over the Sasuke. Be careful not to miss a spot."

Sasuke is writhing, moaning, and getting an erection as chocolate-covered hands are moving on his skin.

"Now decorate with whipped cream and strawberries. Serve while the Sasuke is still hard."

A few minutes later their masterpiece is ready.

"Enjoy your meal," the Itachi clone exclaims. He, Neji and Deidara start licking furiously.

...

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author have already spent hours in the hotel room, doing nothing in particular. They're bored to death and due to the lack of any better occupation Pein and the author are braiding Orochimaru's hair. They have reached the number of one hundred braids.

"Why nothing is happening? We're stuck here for hours!" Orochimaru screams in frustration.

"I bet Itachi is having a writer's block, the bastard!" The author shakes her head and takes another strand of Orochimaru's hair.

"It's better than weird stuff happening to us, don't you think? I hope the plot bunnies never get to him." At least Pein is trying to sound optimistic.

"I'm still wondering why I got myself into this," the author is musing. "I'm stuck here and Itachi is in my place at home, sitting at my comp, and right now my mother is probably asking him what he wants for dinner. Bleh! Though I wonder how he explained what the heck he's doing there. Anyway, I bet no one cares."

They proceed with their work in silence. Some time later they're done with Orochimaru and they're just about to start braiding the author's long hair when they hear someone yell "Fire!" and they smell smoke.

Orochimaru and the author bump into each other as they're trying to pass through the door at the same time. Pein shoves them aside and runs out of the room first.

They get out of the hotel and join the crowd of people on the street. Before their eyes the entire hotel burns to ashes.

"Guys, I hate to tell you this, but we're only in our underwear again and we left our clothes in there," the author says, hoping not to cause panic.

"Oh yeah? And whose fault is that?" Pein yells.

"Orochimaru was the one who said it was too hot in the room and suggested to wear underwear only!" the author yells back.

"Well, you didn't object!" Orochimaru snarls at the author.

"I didn't object because staring at half-naked Pein is hot!"

"What are we going to do now?" Pein ignores the last statement and the drooling author.

"I don't know. I can't believe after all these hours of writer's block all Itachi could come up with was this bullshit."

They walk away, people giving them awkward glares. Then all of a sudden they meet Jiraiya. Yeah, unpleasant things usually happen all of a sudden. The three of them wince at the sight of his mocking face.
"Well, well," he smirks. "What happened, you lost in poker? At least you know when to stop, you still have your underwear on. And what's with that outrageous hairstyle, Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru glares at Jiraiya and angrily shakes his braided hair.

Pein snorts. "Yeah, Oro looks so dumb with that hair. You should have listened to me when I said screw the braids, let's style it into a mohawk and dye it purple."

Orochimaru grits his teeth and kicks Pein. The author giggles at the mental image, but her laughter is doomed to end too soon.

"I see you didn't waste all your money on poker, though. How much did you pay for the whore?" Jiraiya glances at the author who starts cursing Itachi. "Want to share?"

"Aha! Now it's her turn to sell herself!" Pein yells and points at the author. "You'll have to pay for her, Jiraiya, and I'm telling you she's not cheap. If you have enough cash, she'll do anything."

"Hell no!" The author's face turns purple. Itachi just can't do such a thing to her! She starts thinking. Itachi may be clever, but she believes she's even cleverer.

And the author decides to bluff.

"You know, Jiraiya, fanfiction writers know some jutsu too," she says. "Get out of here, or I'll curse you to have eternal writer's block and not a single plot bunny will ever get anywhere near you."

Jiraiya gets pale and runs away in horror.

"No! Don't go away! Wait! Pleeaaase!" Pein screams, his tearful eyes stuck to Jiraiya's back, but his whining is to no avail. Soon Jiraiya disappears from sight.

"Ah, he's gone! He's gone!" Pein falls on his knees, tearing his hair frantically and slamming his fist on the ground. "I'm doomed!"

"Yeah, this means we'll have to sell you again, Pein-chan." The author is relieved.

"Nooooo" Pein whines and Orochimaru pats his shoulder sympathetically.

...

No one can remember where Naruto is. They hear the sounds coming from the closet, but they misinterpret them.

"There's something in the closet, I tell you, and this time it's not just my paranoia," the Itachi clone whispers and an involuntary shudder shakes his shoulders.

"Oh, so last time it was your paranoia making sounds in the closet?" Deidara says sarcastically.

"Idiot! I'm telling you there's a weasel in the closet. Can't you hear it scratching on the door?"

"Oh no, the weasel panic again," Sasuke scoffs.

A few minutes later the three of them carefully approach the closet. The Itachi clone is armed with a frying pan.

"Now!" Sasuke yells, Deidara opens the door abruptly and the Itachi clone starts hitting with the frying pan and yelling "Die, you damn weasel!"

Five minutes later they realize they're beating the crap out of the tied up Naruto and they stop.

"Well, sometimes people make mistakes." The Itachi clone shrugs, Sasuke and Deidara glare at him accusingly.

"Well, you know…" he tries to cover things up, "Maybe it's a weasel that used transformation jutsu to make itself look like Naruto. I think we should keep hitting it, you know, for good measure."

They conclude this is a wise decision and continue to beat the crap out of Naruto.

...

Orochimaru and the author are standing in front of a glamorous shop window, clutching tightly the money Pein earned by selling his ass to the first horny ninja they could find. Pein is wincing, trying not to think about the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth horny ninja they could find. Orochimaru and the author are staring at the clothes in the shop with glazed eyes.

"I want this red dress!" the author screams with longing. Orochimaru gives her a terrified look and yells "No! I want the red dress! Minez!"

"Get lost! It will look better on me."

Everyone hates to admit it, but the author always has a point.

"But I saw it first! It must be mine!" Orochimaru is not giving up.

"Don't tell me you want to spend on clothes all the money I earned! You two are hopeless!" Pein is desperately hitting his head in the wall.

"Of course we're not going to waste all the money on clothes. We'll spend some of it here, and the rest will go for the beauty salon," the author says with a serious tone and Orochimaru nods with a happy smile. Pein is staring at them with disbelief.

"When you're in a fanfiction, you must look good," the author concludes, leaving Pein speechless. He can't help but admit she's right. Soon the three of them leave the shop, the author and Orochimaru giving each other angry glares and wearing identical red dresses. They're stumbling form time to time, trying to ignore the fact that the brilliant satin ruby red stilettos they're wearing are not made for walking on the uneven and dirty surface of a dusty road. Pein wears a pink suit, pink shirt and a crimson necktie. To tell the truth, he would have bought a gorgeous red dress too, but he wants to be unique for once, because he's fed up with wearing an akatsuki uniform every day.

Some time later the three of them are in the beauty salon. They're wrapped in towels after going through some spa procedures, and they're having their manicure done. Then, to their horror, they see someone stealing their clothes and running away.

"Stop him!" the author yells. "Do something! Use some jutsu."

"I can't," Pein whines, "the nail polish is not dry yet, if I do the hand signs, I'll ruin my manicure."

Orochimaru and the author realize they have the same problem. For a minute the three of them just sit there and squeal in panic, watching their clothes being taken away.

"That's it," the author says, "we're doomed to stay naked for the rest of our lives."

"It's not fair!" Orochimaru whines. "We need more money, we'll make Pein dance in a striptease club."

"Oro, my dear, how is he supposed to do striptease when he has nothing to take off?"

The author's brilliant logic makes Orochimaru shut up, Pein sighs in relief.

"That's why he'll merely dance completely naked!" the author says in conclusion. Orochimaru is grinning, Pein's face gets pale.

...

After one hour of intense interrogation, everyone is convinced that what they found in the closet is indeed Naruto.

"No weasel can be that stupid. It really is Naruto. I told you, Itachi. I think you overdid it a bit." Sasuke is pointing at Naruto's bruised face.

"Oh well, then you and Dei can make it up to him by giving him some nice screwing."

The Itachi clone settles on the couch and observes the process of "making it up" to Naruto. Naruto is pressed to the wall and Sasuke and Deidara attack him one after the other. He's still somewhat disoriented from being hit too many times with a frying pan and doesn't figure out what's happening to him. The fact that his head is banging against the wall at every thrust doesn't help much. Probably he won't be his usual self for days, which means he'll be nice and quiet. Why give him Ritalin when a good old frying pan can do the job? The Itachi clone is very pleased.

...

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are on the street. Everyone is staring at them. Maybe their unconventional appearance has something to do with that. They're naked and covering themselves with a few branches they tore from the nearby bushes, the green leaves being their only outfit. After all, the towels belonged to the beauty salon and they couldn't keep them. However, at least their manicure is flawless.

"Hidden in the leaves, eh?" the author says, looking at the branches they're holding. Orochimaru and Pein give her annoyed glares.

The author finally loses her nerve. "I'm sick of this! Itachi is an idiot!" She waves her arm angrily. Then she realizes this is the hand she's holding the branch with. A few people stick their widened eyes to her, their jaws drop.

"Shit!"

The author hurries to cover herself again. Pein and Orochimaru roll their eyes.

"She's doing that thing with the branch for the third time already, and I think it was her who said we better not attract attention." Orochimaru points out. Pein nods in agreement, the two of them convinced in the author's stupidity. Much to their disappointment the author doesn't shut up.

"I'm stuck here, I don't even know where "here" is, I don't like this "side story" with Pein, Orochimaru and me, and I have no idea what Itachi is doing and what's going on in the main story!"

The author is frustrated beyond belief.

"I'm in my own damn fanfiction and everything is out of control! Now I understand how poor Kishimoto must have felt in my fic 'Kishi in fanficland'."

Suddenly Kabuto and Konan appear on the scene. Their eyes widen when they see in what state Orochimaru and Pein are.

"What the fuck? Pein?" Konan quickly takes her akatsuki cloak off and covers Pein with it.

"Nice hair, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto seems a bit envious.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kabuto, he looks dreadful. It should have been a purple mohawk, but… Ouch!" Pein is silenced with a heavy punch in the face after receiving a hateful glare form Orochimaru.

'Oro-sama with a purple mohawk. That sounds interesting, I should talk him into trying this.' Kabuto notes to himself.

"What's going on?" the author is more than curious about the reason for Kabuto and Konan's arrival.

"Konan and I were informed we could find Pein and Orochimaru here. So we came to take care of them."

Then everyone goes away and the author is left alone.

"Poor me! What am I supposed to do now? It's not fair! I want to be in the main story! In the Uchiha house, or at least somewhere in Konoha, damn it!"

The author still doesn't know she's going to regret her words very soon.

...

Sasuke, Naruto, Deidara and the Itachi clone are at the table, peacefully eating their dinner. Sasuke gives another suspicious glare to the girl who is cleaning the floor with a mop.

"Why is she here, Itachi?"

Everyone looks at the author who is struggling with a stain on the floor. The Itachi clone leans closer to Sasuke and whispers "You don't need to know, Sasuke, you really don't need to know."

The author stops her work. She seems furious and throws the mop at Itachi. "This is ridiculous!" she screams at the top of her voice. "When fangirls dream about being Itachi Uchiha's slave, what they mean is not this!"

Deidara suddenly frowns.

"Ita-chan, why is she wearing my perverted maid outfit?"

"I gave it to her." Naruto looks sheepishly at Deidara. "You know, the poor thing had nothing else to wear."

"It's mine! Take it off, bitch!"

Deidara runs to the author and starts angrily pulling her outfit, yelling "Give it back, damn it!" Finally he stomps away, the maid outfit tightly clutched in his fist. The author can't believe this is happening to her.

"When fangirls say they want Deidara to undress them, what they mean is not this!"

Everyone seems to be a bit nervous.

"Itachi, there is a naked fangirl in the middle of the living-room. Do something!" Sasuke keeps throwing disapproving glares.

"Ah-hem. She's naked… Aren't we supposed to be at least a little bit interested?" Naruto scratches his head in confusion.

"Yeah!" the author yells. "As far as I remember, guys in this fic are not completely gay!"

The Itachi clone smiles. It's the creepiest smile the author has ever seen.

"Remember who is writing the fic now?" His voice is icy cold and sarcastically polite. "I must inform you that in this chapter everyone is totally gay."

The author's jaw drops.

"But you did it with the hokage and… "

"I make the rules, I can break them and make exceptions."

The author hates to admit it, but the Itachi clone has a point.

"But… but… I'm pretty!" she screams in a final desperate attempt to attract attention. Then she seductively flips her waist-length black hair. The only reaction she receives is a disdainful scoff from Itachi.

"Do you seriously think you can compare to me? Huh! So naive."

Then with a fluid motion the Itachi clone lets his hair loose. He shakes his head, making his long, brilliant, midnight black, silky, soft and sparkly strands of hair wave around. Then he twirls a strand around his finger. The author is pwned.

In a few minutes everyone recover from the dazzling effect of Itachi's hair flipping and come back to their senses.

Sasuke seems to be in deep contemplation.

"You know Itachi, maybe this is not a fangirl. Maybe it's a weasel in disguise. I think we should kill it, you know, for good measure. You said it yourself. Well, I'll take care of this. At least we've already established a method to deal with such situations, I'll follow the procedure strictly," he says and grabs the frying pan with determination.

The author runs out of the house screaming "Itachi! When fangirls say they want Sasuke to give them some heavy banging and slam the daylights out of them, what they mean does NOT include being hit with a fucking frying pan!"

The Itachi clone shrugs. "I thought you liked it rough."

"Yeah, but not when it comes to being murdered with a frying… Ouch!"

The screaming author disappears from sight, followed by infuriated Sasuke. They're out of the house, but everyone can still hear their loud voices.

Then the author yells something she never believed was possible for her to say. Something a fangirl would never imagine herself saying, not in her entire life. As unbelievable as it may sound, the author yells "Not so hard, Sasukeee!" However, considering the circumstances, it makes perfect sense. Her desperate scream is followed by Sasuke's yell "Die, you damn weasel!" and the creepy sound of someone's head being brutally slammed with a frying pan.

Inside the house everything is peaceful again, now that Sasuke is dealing with the "unwanted elements".

Naruto seems even more confused. He scratches his head thoughtfully. "Hey, why she didn't say anything about what fangirls want me to do to them?"

The Itachi clone pats Naruto's shoulder sympathetically.

"Because, Uzumaki, all they want is you to shut the fuck up."

to be continued (if the author survives the frying pan attack)

... ... ...

Itachi's author comment

Man, I'm a genius! Yeah, that's right, being a ninja doesn't mean all you can do is throw shuriken and do weird ninjutsu stuff. Ha! If Jiraiya thinks he can write, I can do it too, no matter what this obnoxious author says. Speaking of the obnoxious author…

Me: *out of breath* Itachi!

Itachi: *sarcastically* Look who's back. You must have been in a hurry.

Me: Sasuke and the frying pan, remember? Uh. I hope you didn't turn the fic into a total mess. Your writing sucks! And I hope you didn't break my comp, or something.

Itachi: Um, no. But you know that bowl of sweets that's on your desk next to the comp?

Me: What about the sweets?

Itachi: I ate all of it.

Me: Bastard!

Itachi: Oh, and your ex-boyfriend came by to visit you. I surprised him from behind. You know, he has a nice ass.

Me: Yeah, I know… Wait what? Don't tell me you… Oh, I should have seen this! Serves him right.

Itachi: Now, don't you think you're supposed to say something for me? I still can't grasp the concept of it, but someone told me it was called a disclaimer.

Me: How dare you! Me? To say your disclaimer? Unbelievable! Uh… I guess I'll have to do it. Well… The characters don't belong to Itachi. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto. And I… *shakes her head sadly* I belong neither to Itachi, nor to Masashi Kishimoto. Though now I'm convinced that belonging to Itachi could be quite troublesome. Phew. In the next chapter everything will be back to normal. If there's anything in this fic that could be called "normal".

Sasuke: *frying pan in hand* Oh, so it wasn't a weasel, after all.

Itachi: Well, it doesn't make much difference.

Me: *eyeing the frying pan* Oh noes! *faints*

Sasuke: What's wrong with her? I was just planning to make some pancakes. Whatever.

Itachi: I think she might be developing a frying pan phobia.