100 Things I Hate About You

"I don't get it Cartman. Why is it whenever you rope me into something I get screwed over and then weird shit like this happens?!" Kyle snapped, still shaking the door handle. They were locked in an ice cream parlour after midnight. Cartman was trying to rob it and managed to trick Kyle into helping him, but now they were locked inside.

"I don't know Kyle, maybe if you didn't copy the wrong key we wouldn't be IN this mess!" Cartman growled.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PICKED THAT KEY TO COPY! And... well... l I don't get why you had me help anyway! You could've used Butters, hell, even Kenny would probably have helped you!"

"Well they aren't smart enough to handle this kind of operation!" Cartman snapped "I needed your smart Jew ass to copy a damn key and break into the security system! And you managed to fail at that!"

"Well I wish I hadn't come at all! I don't know why I trusted you for a second, I hate you!"

"And I hate you to!"

"Well then why the FUCK did you have to me come?!"

Cartman fell into silence and Kyle rolled his eyes, still trying to figure out how they could get out of there. They had dropped in through the ceiling but it was too high up for them to get back out that way. And the door was locked from the outside.

After an hour Kyle gave up and contented himself to wait until morning to be let out by the store manager. They would have to deal with whatever consequences there were. They were nine years old at least, so they probably would just get grounded. He sighed and stared at the wall. Cartman slumped down next to him eating an ice cream cone. Kyle didn't see the point at yelling at the fat boy for taking what didn't belong to him. After all, he had broken in to rob the place. Obviously, this isn't what he told Kyle until he realised they were trapped in there.

"You know, it's really fucking boring in here," Cartman said around his ice cream.

"No shit," Kyle rolled his eyes.

"You know how I'd like to pass the time, sitting in here, thanks to you?"

"No Cartman, I don't know," Kyle said, not even bothering to point out that it was WAY more thanks to him.

"I'd like to list the things I hate about you."

"Oh. Great," Kyle sighed.

"Actually, that'll probably take us a few days, so how about I list the countdown of top 100 reasons," Cartman said, fishing a very long list out of his pocket.

"Oh. You wrote it down. Fantastic," Kyle sighed again.

Cartman cleared his throat, and read while licking ice cream "Number 100, I hate it when you call my mom a whore."

"Well you call my mom a bitch fat ass!"

"Oh what a coincidence! Calling me a fat ass is number 99!"

"Well everyone calls you that you dumb shit!"

"Number 98, wow Kyle, I just realised the first twenty of these have to do with all the names you call me!" Cartman said, seeming mock shocked.

"Well then why didn't you just write I hate when you call me names!" Kyle snapped.

"Number 79, I hate it when you have to get all smart at me," Cartman went on and Kyle rolled his eyes and said nothing, just deciding to let him work his way through his damn list "78, I hate your fucking mother. 77, your mother is a bitch. 76, your mother's hair looks retarded, 75, your mother's voice sounds like crap. Number 74, your mom's fat-"


"73, your mom's a bitch-"

"You already said that! Besides, that's all about my mom, not me!"

"Hmm, perhaps your right Kyle. Now let meh seh," Cartman fell into a slight southern accent like he often did and ran his eyes down his list "Ah here we go, number 64, I hate the way your brother's head bobs up and down like a fucking maniac-"

"That's cause he's Canadian dumbass!" Kyle growled "And that's still not me, it's my brother!"

"Hmm... true," Cartman scanned ahead some more "Lemme seh... okay... right! Number 58, I hate your stupid ass religion. Number 57, I hate that stupid Jew money you've got hung around your neck. Number 56, I hate that you go to a fucking synagogue 56, I hate that you'll end up in hell-"

"Huh?" Kyle had been trying to tune Cartman out but the last comment seemed to bring back his attention.

"55, I hate that retarded Star of David thing you've got in your house. 54, I hate that damn gay dreidel song. 53-"

"Hey! That's mostly my religion you intolerant fuck!" Kyle snapped.

"True, and of course you know how much I hate that anyway. You stupid Jew..." Cartman muttered, scanning ahead once again "Alright, number 40, I hate that stupid red Jewfro you keep hiding under a hat all the time. 39, I hate your stupid green hat. 38, I hate that stupid jacket. 37, I hate how you're nice to everyone all the fucking time. 36, I hate how everyone seems to fucking love you all the time. 35, I hate how you're always so damn smart, it makes me sick!" Cartman made a face to emphasize "34, I hate the way you and Stan hug each other all the time like you're fucking gay or something. 33, I hate how you like Family Guy because that show is retarded. 32, I hate how you always say 'you bastards' when Kenny's killed even if no one's the fuck around. 31, I hate how you never sucked my balls even when I had a court order-"

"Goddamn it Cartman!" Kyle snapped.

"What is it Kyle?"

Kyle fumed a moment, then decided to just let him finish and get this the hell over this "Nothing. Just keep going."

"I will Kyle," Cartman said seriously, still licking his ice cream. He was sure taking his sweet time with that... "30, I hate your gorgeous green eyes all the girls keep fawning over. 29, I hate that fine Jew boy ass that has the same effect," Kyle gaped "28, I hate how everyone thinks you're so righteous. 27, I hate your damn 'I learned something today' speeches. 26, I hate how you always rip on my weight and then get all pissy when I call you a Jew-"


"25, I hate the way your nose scrunches up when you're mad."


"24, I hate how you're nice to everyone in the fucking universe EXCEPT me."


"23, I hate how you get all self righteous and then call me names."


"22, I hate the way you sleep all scrunched up in the festal position."

"How do you-"

"21, I hate that I never got to have you as a slave after all that work in the civil war thing."

"Goddamn it Cartman!"

"20, I hate how you always have to start singing that damn song and then I have to... wait..." Cartman froze and Kyle smirked.

"I'm sailiiing awaaaay...."

One rapid fire song later, Cartman was breathing hard but kept reading "19, I hate how Stan always gets to be around you."


"18, I hate how you're never at church."

"Cause I'm a Jew retard!"

"17, I hate the way your eyes are always mad when they look at me. 16, I hate how cute you look when you're surprised-"

"Did you just say cute?" Kyle said in disbelieving monotone.

"15, I hate your dimples when you smile. 14, I hate when you look at other people with kindness. 13, I hate how you always think I'm up to something."

"Well USUALLY you are" Kyle said half heartedly.

"12, I hate how you make me feel good when you just walk in a damn room."


"11, I hate how your gorgeous green eyes never look at me when I want them to. 10, I hate how if I look at your ass I have to be careful no one notices or else I'll be labelled gay and you'll never turn your back to me again."

"... have you been looking-"

"Number 9, I hate how I can never hug you without you thinking I'm planting stolen merchandise in your pocket-"

"... well you have on multiple occasions..."

"8, I hate how you always seem to have a smile for everyone except me"

"Cartman... are you... are those TEARS?!"

"7, I hate how you never notice all the nice things I do for you. 6, I hate how you never see through all the times I'm trying to get you to notice me, 5 I hate I can never seem to have a conversation with you where we don't fight-"

"Oh God, you're crying and... wait... are ... you..." Kyle's heart hammered.

"4, I hate your stupid ability to take every note I send you and just assume Bebe sent them-"

"WHAT?! Those... were..."

"3, I hate how beautiful you look all the time."

"C-Cartman..." the fat boy's eyes had left the paper and he was staring at Kyle. The Jew shivered.

"Number 2, I hate that I love you," Cartman grabbed the Jew, and kissed him. Kyle tasted nothing but chocolate ice cream. Cartman pulled back.

"But... what about the number one thing?" Kyle stammered.

"I hate that you didn't kiss me back Jew," Cartman said rolling his eyes and Kyle stared.

"All this time..."


"You mean all this fucking time..."

"Yes," Cartman said, starting to get annoyed.

"And now this damn list thing?"

"Well I don't know how to express my feelings very well obviously!"

Kyle sighed "W-well... I, um, I don't know if I can just, you know... I mean you tricked me in here already today!"

"Yep," Cartman smiled and pulled out a key "Now what's say we get out?"

"Y-you had a key?" Kyle blinked "This whole time?"

"Actually, this is your key. I switched it."

"So y-you... you planned this whole thing. To get me in here, to read your list?"

"Yes Kyle," Cartman smiled. Kyle stared wide eyed. Cartman pulled him into a crushing hug and Kyle couldn't find the will to fight back. Couldn't find the will to tell Cartman he didn't feel the same for him. Not now, that just... it would crush him, wouldn't it?

Then police sirens wailed and the Jewish boy, startled, stood up. The police broke in.

"AH!" Kyle shouted.

"On your knees!" the ginger officer snapped. He turned to Kyle "YOU! What happened here?!"

"I-I uh..." Kyle swallowed, unsure what to say. The ginger cop rolled his eyes and turned n Cartman.

"YOU! Same question!"

Cartman shook hard, remembering Juvy vividly. He blinked and his eyes hardened into his innocent look "I don't know officer, I was just minding my own business at home around midnight when Kyle, that's this evil Jew right here sir, when he comes in and says that there's a bomb in the ice cream parlour and we didn't have time to call the police and we had to disarm it. But when i got here he just wanted to steal everything! Just look at the chocolate ice cream all over his lips!" Cartman pointed. He'd already licked the ice cream off his own face but Kyle had not. It stood blandly on his face.

"B-but no! That's what Cartman did to me!" Kyle snapped.

"Yeah sure, like a Jew would fall for such a stupid trick," ginger cop rolled his eyes. Kyle looked down. It WAS a pretty stupid trick. But he had been tired; it was midnight for God's sake! Hell, he was halfway down the street before he realised that Cartman had grabbed his arm. "Check his pockets," Kyle yelped as hands reached into his jacket. Out came envelopes of cash.

"Y-you, I... Cartman hugged... OH GOD CARTMAN YOU BASTARD!" Kyle screamed as he was slapped into handcuffs and led away "I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU, YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT!" the screams silenced as he was stuffed into a police cruiser.

"Sorry young man, I hope you're alright. Do you need a ride home?"

"N-no, I'll be fine," Cartman sighed as he left the ice cream parlour. He looked at Kyle's face as the police cruiser drove away to the city. He was still glaring and swearing out the back window as they drove away. Cartman sighed, pulling $200 dollars and Kyle's Jew money pouch out of his pocket.

"Sorry Jew. Force of habit" Cartman whispered, and headed for home.