I'm so inspired oh my Ganados.
Let us write this. Or me. If you want a say in this too come to the Netherlands aye.
Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil 4.
Inspired by: Something similar but written in the Final Fantasy VIII section.
Warnings: Language, sexual references, more language.
This is Leon Kennedy speaking, the man you used as a role model when creating your videogame-character.
For some reason, not too long ago, I played this videogame of yours. I played it with Mark, or the man you all know as the 'Merchant'. Both Mark and I think you went a little overboard. So in this letter I will tell you what bothered me about this videogame, and explain why it bothered me. Because many of the events that you've showed in this game are nothing like what happened in real life.
And I know, because in real life, I was there. And so was Mark. So please take a few minutes to read this and consider making a re-make of this videogame. I would greatly appreciate it.
The first thing that needs to be cleared up; My outfit.
When I came to the village I wasn't only carrying a handgun. I was also carrying a shotgun, a rifle, a can of iced tea and a cowboy hat. You took away my hat, why did you have to do that? I can clearly remember the beginning of the game, they actually referred to me as a cowboy. Then why take away the hat? It was the best part of my outfit, and you dare to mess around with it.
Are you out of your mind Capcom?
And then those special outfits you gave me? You know, for when you finish the game? Come on, was it really necessary to make me look like I just came from working for the mafia?
I admit, the outfit and the Chicago Typewriter go together like bullets and guns, but please... I would never wear that in real life. It doesn't show off my body the way clothes are supposed to.
The second thing that needs to be cleared up; Ashley's appearance.
I know it was just a videogame, I know videogames, even when based on reality, aren't real. But I don't think you really needed to beautify Ashley that much. The only time Ashley's appearance in the game came close to the truth was when she was wearing that armour. Because only then you made me drop on my knees when catching her.
And drop on my knees I did, believe me. Ashley wasn't a skinny little blonde, she was a heavy metal-head. And with heavy I now mean two things. I'm not saying she was ugly, by God no, she wasn't, but she wasn't the barbie-doll you put in the game either.
Which I consider a blessing really, I'm not into air-headed women to be honest. I prefer them to be smart and funny... If that means they're a little bigger then I'll be able to live with it.
The third thing that needs to be cleared up; Ashley's character.
You made her sweet and gullible, cute and scared. The real Ashley isn't sweet and gullible. The real Ashley shouts 'Before you see the light, you must DIE!' when she sees the ganados. The real Ashley sang 'Dance with the dead in my dreams' when they were coming for her. The real Ashley didn't shout 'Leon' when I was out of sight, but jumped down from whatever she was standing on, and followed me. It was annoying, but at least it was reality.
To be honest, a girl with the same character as game-Ashley still needs to be born. No woman listens to me when I say 'wait'. If I say 'wait' in real life, girls usually ask me if I need Viagra. So as much as I like game-Ashley's character, I think it's kind of over-the-top.
The fourth thing that needs to be cleared up; Hunnigan.
Have you met Hunnigan? Do you honestly think she looks that sweet? No, she does not! Unlike videogame-Hunnigan the real Hunnigan is so sexy you would literally melt if you saw her. She really is that hot.
In the game you made her look adorable. The glasses, the hair, the voice that came with the package... But in real life she's stunning and less focused on work. She used to call me on my cellphone, asking me what I was doing. Whenever I told her I wasn't doing much, she would turn me on by saying dirty words I'm afraid to repeat right now.
And no, she never nagged about me still being on duty. No, she did not. I banged her when I came home. Indeed, I banged her alright.
The fifth thing that needs to be cleared up; The Merchant's vocabulary.
The merchant has a name. His name is Mark. He does not have a limited vocabulary, even though you're implying he does. He knows a lot about weapons, but a lot about other things aswell. Like shoes. For some reason Mark, or Mr. Merchant, knows a lot about shoes. He's got quite a collection too.
He also knows hell of a lot of different languages, and he knows more about the Los Illuminados than most ganados did.
He is a ganado too, that merchant. But in the game you never paid much attention to him. You just made him sell things, making him look like he was posessed in a certain way.
Well believe me, he is not possessed. If there's one person on this planet with a mind of his own, it's this guy.
The limited vocabulary really bothered me, you know that? When I first met him he didn't say 'Got something that might interest ya'. No, he said 'Strangah, strangah, I am a poor man, and my family needs to be fed. If you do not buy my guns, I will have to shoot them before they die of starvation'.
That's what he said!
And you know the worst thing? He has no family! He only has a girlfriend that always wears a blue dress. And guess what, Capcom, she will be able to take care of herself.
The sixth thing that needs to be cleared up; The barrels and crates.
Please tell me, where in the world am I supposed to go to find herbs, ammo and treasures hidden in barrels? I came across barrels, and you know what was in them?
Yes, those ganados sure knew how to throw a party. Which at this day I am still grateful for, because it's not like the parasite made them immune to alcohol. Many times my life, and Ashley's, was saved by the fact those drunk ganados didn't know which way to go.
Or maybe they did know which way to go, but they would never end up near me, because they were walking around like they just rode a roller-coaster.
And those crates? I found crates. Crates with bananas, crates with oranges, crates with apples and one time even a crate with someone's head in it. But snakes and money? No, definitely not! I don't see why a snake would hide in a crate. I don't even understand how the snakes got in there anyway... I mean, it's not like you could open the crates without a knife or anything.
Did the ganados put the snakes in there? And why did they do that? Did they maybe have a fetish for phallus-shaped creatures that were locked up?
It makes no sense. No sense at all.
The seventh thing that needs to be cleared up; Enemies leaving ammo, cash, herbs and so on.
I have been wondering about this a lot. Every once in a while, when I kill an enemy in the game, it leaves me a present. Sometimes it's ammo, sometimes it's cash, and sometimes they leave me a herb. I wonder why? I just shot them, and they reward me for it. I understand the whole 'steal from the dead, they don't care anyway' thing, but I though ganados didn't use weapons or herbs? And why did they have cash?
Even the biggest enemy, which I think would be El Gigante, left me cash. What did he buy with that? Did he use it to go see a hooker or something?
I could understand that, but think about it okay; El Gigante bangs a hooker. What happens? The hooker dies! Because there's no way in hell anyone would survive that!
Unless El Gigante has a very tiny wee-wee. In that case I feel kind of sorry of him. Or them. Whatever.
But still, they left me cash. And because it didn't make sense to me, I decided to think it over, and I came up with a reason for the cash and other presents...
All enemies in the game were... Suicidal!
Think about it right, they were all carrying cash the moment they came across me. They did that because they thought 'Hey, that is Leon, he will finally kill us and rid us of our puny and boring little lives'. Indeed! They carried cash to reward me for killing them. They were happy to be dead, and they thought 'Let's give him something for his trouble, so he can buy a cowboyhat'.
Even Saddler did that! That just proves how extremely unmotivated he was about his cult in the game, right? Because in real life they didn't leave anything! Not a penny, not a herb, not even an apple.
The eighth thing that needs to be cleared up; The castle.
Oh you made it look so doomy and scary. I'm sure it's supposed to look like that to qualify as a Resident Evil game, but it really didn't look that scary. Salazar's bedroom was painted in a strange shade of yellow, and the big halls weren't that dark. Most of the castle's rooms were painted in light shades, because Salazar was visually impaired.
I saw him wear glasses a few times, they were thick as bulletproof windows, and had the castle been that dark in real life, then I think Salazar would've constantly been walking into doorposts and vases.
So it's nice you made everything so dark, but it's a little too much.
The ninth thing that needs to be cleared up; Regenerators.
While playing the game I noticed the regenerators make some sick sounds. Almost as if they're 'at it'. I'm starting to wonder here... So El Gigante has cash for hookers, the merchant flashed me every time he saw me and for some reason the regenerators sound like porn-stars. Well, person who made this videogame; It's time for you to get laid!
The tenth thing that needs to be cleared up; Fuck fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck.Man, what was wrong with the language in the game? It says 18+, but that didn't have anything to do with the language, right? Do you think it's humanly possible for someone like me to go to hell and back without saying FUCK once?
It is not! I said fuck so many times, Ashley actually asked me 'when?'.
Fuck when something went wrong, cunt when Ashley didn't listen, asshole when Saddler killed Luis, retard when the merchant told me I didn't have enough cash, and I could go on and on about this.
But I will not, because it makes me sound like a child. But seriously, yelling fuck every once in a while is very human. I bet you don't know though, you're not getting any.
The eleventh thing that needs to be cleared up; Bathroom breaks?
What about them? I am a healthy man, sometimes nature calls. But in the whole game I never get a second to take a leak. I'm fine with you making me run around all the time, but seriously, was I wearing a diaper or something?
Or maybe... Yes, that's it of course. You made me 'go' whenever I was in the lake or something. Come on, gross Capcom! Gross!
The twelfth thing that needs to be cleared up; The escape from the island.
Yes, Ada gave me the key... But I did not escape the island like that. And I didn't escape it just with Ashley, but the merchant came along aswell. This is what really happened:
"Leon?" Ashley asked me.
"Is Saddler dead?"
"Yes, does that make you happy?"
"No, I had a thing for him."
"For fuck's sake Ashley, let's go home. This island will blow up in less than half an hour."
"I'm comin' too mate." The merchant said.
Yes, half an hour. Not a few minutes. We actually went back up because Ashley wanted to pay her respects to dead Saddler and because the merchant wanted to enjoy the view.
Then we went to the jet-ski. It was amazing how well the merchant, or well Mark, can handle those things. He was riding it, I was sitting behind him and Ashley was following us on water-ski's. Yes, she knows how to do that. Ashley only crashed into a random rock thrice, and we managed to get away from the island before it even started to rumble a little.
There were no explosions, I didn't ride, there was no need to accelerate and no, merchant did not die on the island. Many think he did, I know he didn't. He's somewhere in Europe now, buying clogs.
The thirteenth thing that needs to be cleared up; The ending.
Ashley returned home safely... And I came with her. I banged her. Not once, not twice, but many times. In every single hole she has in her body. Then I went home and banged Hunnigan, as I said before. And then I used El Gigante's money to buy myself a hooker for a night.
And when I was done banging I slept for six days, and then I was abducted by Wesker, who thought I stole his sunglasses. Upon telling him that was Ada he set me free and I now plan on marrying Ashley, because she's got such great taste in music.
Well Capcom, I didn't explain all of my complaints because there's still the matter of Krauser, of Ada, of Salazar's glasses and of Mendez's house, but this gives you enough material to work with for now.
Please consider a re-make and give me my fucking cowboy-hat back before I come over and make you!
Leon Scott Kennedy.
Ps. Merchant Mark sends his regards, along with the hand grenade you will find in the envelope.
This is unlike anything I have ever written before, including lemons and crackfics. DAMN. I hope you liked it. If you did, drop a review. I might write something similar someday, but not if everyone hated it right.
Ehehehe... Come back anytime.