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"What's going on? Where are we? Why is this text in quotation marks appearing when I talk?"

"Clam up, dumpus. We're waiting for the writer to think up a name for the title of his story!"

"It's getting pwetty wawm in hewe. Hey, Bubs, is that you touching my calf?"

"You have calves?"

"Well, yeah. A calf would be defined as the back of youw awm, oh a baby cow."

"Does anyone know the way out of here? I'm supposed to be giving myself acupuncture right now."

"It's been like twenty minutes, and I'm still sitting here. Do they have a vending machine or something here that I can hit with a crowbar until it dispenses a Cold One?"

"Oh maybe a daycawe foh baby cows?"

"I have a feeling the writer isn't going to be here anytime soo-"

'Tis True, Pom-Pom, 'Tis True

A Homestar Runner fanfic by Evan Wigton

The transcript, plot, and characters are rightfully owned by the Brother Chaps

'Twas an agreeably hot summer morning at Free Country U.S.A., where a guy in a Mexican wrestling mask and boxing gloves named Strong Bad was dousing himself in sunscreen and laying on a towel in an attempt to give himself a tan. This guy was known as one of the toughest and most mischievous around. He beat the crap out of his dumpy little brother for a career, and was, or at least referred to himself as, an industrial quality-brand chick magnet. Many people feared him, or at least were annoyed by his acts of tomfoolery.

He also had a record for being the second best athlete in town (of course by cheating), which is where the Homestar Runner comes in; a tall, armless, white man with an underbite. No one in Free Country U.S.A. has come anywhere near tying his record of being such a terrific athlete. Though he is moderately gullible, Strong Bad always somehow fails to beat Homestar, even by cheating.

Anyways, back to the story.

Strong Bad settled with a glass of melonade. If anything, he liked enjoying himself on a hot summer day away from any white, armless nuisances.

I should probably get someone to substitute Bubs at the concession stand, thought Strong Bad, after I sent him on a plane to Zimbabwe…

As soon as he thought that, along came a white, armless, nuisance.

"Hi Stwong Bad", said the nuisance, "Fancy to unintentionally wondew onto your pwopewty to say 'hi', and maybe gwumble some additional advice you won't undewstand foh a week!"

"WHO! HA! WHAT?" replied Strong Bad.

"Yeah, that's wight."

"Go away. Can't you see that I'm trying to enjoy myself?"

"I will, as soon as I say 'hi'!"

Strong Bad moaned. "Make it quick. I'm busy getting a tan."

"Oh, okay. Uuuuum… okay… um…"

Homestar's phone rang.

"Hello?" Homestar said after he pushed the "talk" button, "Mawzipan? Hi, bittew almonds! How awe you? What? No. Wait, No!" Homestar made a worried face, "No, I didn't… wait! Please!" Homestar hung up, "Oooh… look, Stwobwo, I've got an angwy giwfwiend on the hunt, I'm gonna have to see you latew!" Homestar said, still with a worried face, "Bye! Good luck twying to get into the wace!" Homestar dashed off.

Strong bad grumbled and turned over, and only just started to comprehend what Homestar said.

Strong Bad lay on the mat for an hour, and he was conscious enough to keep a timer next to him, so every fifteen minutes, he would turn over.

Strong Bad looked like sweaty, burnt toast when he came in.

"Meh mep neh meh menehe?" squeaked the Cheat.

"Okay." said Strong Bad. He gave the cheat his empty glass, said "thank you", and kicked him halfway into the dining room. The cheat yelped and flew into the sink.

Strong Bad went upstairs to get a little list of things to do in the summer, and checked "Bring out better definition in abs" on the list.

Next on the list was "Change the Macky's theme to Easter Island". Strong Bad borrowed the Macky, because the Lappy was at the fixing place.

And by the fixing place I mean the shop.

And by the shop I meant Bubs' concession stand.

Strong Bad completed the list until there was one more thing to do;

Send Bubs on a plane to Zimbabwe and steal a mat from his c-stand (CHECK)

Make Strong Mad open a barrel of melonade and pour it into an iced glass with one of those little umbrellas on top that you usually get from those Japanese restaurants (CHECK)

Lay down mat and make a big scene trying to relax with a glass of melonade (SORTA CHECK)

Bring out better definition in abs (CHECK)

Change the Macky's theme to Easter Island (CHECK)

Kick Strong Sad and make an offensive remark about his elephant feet (CHECK)

Check email with the Macky's Safari web browser (CHECK)

Write a song about the day in the life of an awesome person (CHECK)

Pretend to be exercising (CHECK)

Deodorize Strong Mad's closet (YET TO BE DONE)

Strong Bad gulped. He wish he didn't put that tenth job on his list. He wished he didn't THINK of putting on his list. And at that, he wished he didn't THINK of thinking of putting it on the list.

But it had to be done.

Strong Bad began to walk up the stairs very slowly. He walked into Strong Sad's room to get the deodorizing spray and police tape. Then he slowly began taking baby steps toward Strong Mad's room.

Almost there. He began to sweat already. His trembling boxing glove reached for the doorknob, closed on it, then began to turn. Slowly.

Get ready. Strong bad held the deodorizing spray tightly, and entered the room.

He approached Strong Mad's closet. He gagged from the stench of forgotten eggs. Then, in a heartbeat, he opened the door and, screaming, sprayed the deodorizing spray all over the inside of the closet, shut the door, and frantically ran out of the room. The smell of the closet will be stuck with him for the rest of the summer.

Strong Bad decided to clean off the thought of Strong Mad's closet with some crudely drawn violence.

He began it as he usually does:

Teen Girl Squad!

Cheerleader: Dell cherry-scented mini-laptop!

So-And-So: Apple Macbook!

What's Her Face: Microsoft Windows 2000 PC!

The Ugly One: EDSAC room!

So-And-So: Hi, girls! I've discovered a book in the back of a vending machine of the library that tells us our future!

Cheerleader: Whoa! Do I get all the boys?

So-And-So: No, you get to be a barber shop quartet.

Cheerleader: You'd better be kidding.

So-And-So: No, seriously- {Cheerleader holds up a wet diaper} ah!! No!! It won't happen again!! Yes, you get the boys!!!

Cheerleader: Thank you.

What's Her Face: Ooh! What do I get?

So-And-So: First I'll need your birth date, your favorite food and color, and any embarrassing physical problems you might have.

What's Her Face: Oh, so you know Cheerleader by heart, but you don't know me after all these times you've conversed with me?

So-And-So: Oh, no, it's not that… {Turns around, pulls Cheerleader's diary out of hammerspace, laughs, puts diary back, and turns back facing the girls} no, not at all.

The Ugly One: What's my fortune?! Gimme, gimme!

So-And-So: Uh, yeah… just… leave out the "physical problems" part, okay?

The Ugly One: Sure! Okay. Here goes… uh… wooh… {Begins sweating} man, what I'd give for some random event to take me out of the spotlight right now… {Maniac wielding a chainsaw runs into view}

Maniac: Blaaaaaagh want some tic-tacs!!!

The Ugly One: Uuuh, sure… {Unexpected death sequence! A meteor fell out of nowhere and killed The Ugly One}

Cheerleader: {Takes book from So-And-So} Gimme dat! Hey! What's this?! It's all in Pig Latin!

So-And-So: Actually, it's Greek. I've been studying that language since whenever, so I can-

Cheerleader: {Interrupting So-And-So} We don't need our fortunes told. We have {Holds up laptop} virtual personality quizzes!

{Cuts to the screen of the laptop and a quiz that reads the following}

Birth Date


Favorite Food

Favorite Color

Any Embarrassing Physical Problems You Might Have

{Cuts to a side view of Cheerleader typing on the laptop}

Cheerleader: {Typing on the laptop} Let's see… birth day… favorite food… physical problems… {The text "ding!" appears above the computer, along with the sound effect} what? Barbershop quartet? Eh. {Throws laptop over her shoulder down a giant cliff} Thing must be busted. Anyways, I came here to announce the fact that one of my boyfriends works at the chocolate factory, and invited us to see how they make truffles!

So-And-So, What's Her Face, and The Ugly One: Signature quote!

Strong Bad panted as if he had just ran for twenty miles. "Man! That was fun!" he thought aloud to himself, "I should probably refuel on some video games."

Later he found some game buried deep inside the couch involving beaches and negative charges, and popped it into his Fin Machine.

All day, he never really thought of what Homestar mentioned at the end of his greeting, never took the time to realize that his comic, so far, wasn't even very violent (which is how it usually goes), and he had no idea of what's coming.