Lego: Hi all. This is my first non OC story/oneshot. Strange that I did it from Near's POV, but, well, the idea just hit me the other day and I just had to write it. Um, well, please don't hate me for not updating MS (for those of you who are reading that too). I'm editing right now and it's going a little slower than I would have liked. I'm doing my best though. Anyway, please enjoy this and R&R!

Note: The OOCness was intentional and it's not yaoi/shonen-ai.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of the characters mentioned. The plot is my own though.

How He Really Feels


My surprise didn't matter, not that I showed it to anyone; I'd known my whole life what I was working for. The outburst was given by my blonde companion, Mello.

"What do you mean L is dead?"

I knew how much L meant to him. The position as successor should have been his. Not mine.

"I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. We are all very sad." Mello slammed into something and made a loud crash; I kept my attention focused on the puzzle before me.

"That can't be it!"

"I'm sorry. He has left me instructions to appoint both of you as his successor." I mentally swore as Mello swore aloud.

"Absolutely not! I'm not working with him!" I heard him stomp out of the room and knew I wouldn't see him again for a long time. Even so, I finished my puzzle and silently followed him out. Only my many toys and puzzles – most of which were solved – gave me comfort.

True, it was sad that L had passed away along with Mr. Wammy, but I didn't want it, the title of successor that is. What on Earth could I have done with such a title? I'd already proved I was smarter than Mello even though I never really tried; why did I need to defeat this Kira too?

All I wanted was to be left alone, to play with my toys and solve my puzzles. Who would've expected the result of the fight with Kira? Wait, that's right. They did expect that, with me at the head of it. Well I didn't. I wanted to give it up, let someone else do it. Give Mello the glory he'd been wanting since I'd crushed his spirit.

Who knew he'd end up dead? Just like Kira.

We never got along and I knew he hated me, but I'd never known he would have come to me for help nor did I expect his death.

I wish L never had died. If he would've lived, maybe Mello wouldn't have died and I wouldn't be here, still pretending to be L. I hate my life but I don't know how to stop. There hasn't been anyone with the capacity and capability of being the greatest detective on Earth.

If only I could leave, break away from this job and return to the things I love. I hate the secrecy and the never ending torture of being a detective. Of being L.

Mello. Dearest Mello. I know you hated me but I have to apologize. I'm so sorry. I wanted to give it up, leave it all behind. Give this to you. That's what I wanted.

I know how wrong it sounds, but I wish Kira would have killed me and left someone else to deal with him. Sure, more people probably would have died in the end, but I would have been freed. No matter what happened, there would have been no guilt on my mind for leaving Kira alive.

Well, actually, that's a lie. I would have felt guilty for taking Mello's position, let him die, then get myself killed and leaving Kira to the world with no one to stand in his way.

At least Mello and Matt are together. I think they'd both be in Heaven. Yes, heaven is where they would be. I don't deserve that glory. When I die, I'll go below to where the others are. It's sad that I'll never be able to see L again, not that he meant much to me anyway. He'll be in Heaven too.

Now where was that puzzle . . . . I've been wanting to finish it for a while now . . . .