Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Note: This takes place during the Fire Country filler arc. If you haven't seen it - Sai hurts his arm protecting Sakura, and spends the rest of the arc in the hospital.
Warning: Sex references (Sai tries to write porn)
"There's nothing to do here," Sai said to himself, "and no one ever visits me! I thought friends were supposed to visit…"
He thought back to the events that led him to this point with a smile. "It was worth it though. Sakura was definitely impressed by my self-sacrifice. But there has to be a more efficient way of winning over women, that doesn't end with me in the hospital. With no one to visit."
"I could use more friends. No, not 'use'. All the books say not to use your friends. But isn't that all friendship is? Why put effort into a relationship if you aren't getting anything out of it? Still, maybe I should say, 'I'll be happier with more friends'?" He groaned in annoyance. "This is so exceedingly difficult!"
He glanced over at the table, where Kakashi had left some of his books. He cautiously picked one up, studying the couple on the cover. "They look like they are getting along well. Now, what did this man do to get the woman to hold his hand? I must find out!"
He opened the book to the first chapter.
The moonlight danced as it caressed her hair, soft chocolate curls cascading over her shoulders. He reached out to push a strand aside, to better gaze into her cerulean orbs…
Sai slammed the book shut. "That is the most inaccurate thing I have ever read! Why is the author of this novel giving human attributes to non-human entities? Moonlight does not dance, nor does it caress! Light is nothing but a wave, which can appear as a color corresponding to a specific wavelength and frequency. There is no dancing, just…refracting.
And chocolate curls? Why can't it just say "brown"? I am certain the author does not mean to imply that the woman's hair is made of candy, although that is the exact image that comes to mind while reading this!
What the hell is an orb? Is she an alien as well? Actually, that would explain the chocolate hair and dancing moonlight. I want to know how to make friends with humans, not extraterrestrials."
Sai placed the book back on the table, and rummaged through his bag for a notepad. "I know I can write a much better story, one that is about actual humans! It should help me further my social skills, as well. I can create social situations without subjecting myself to actual rejection. Maybe then I'll have some friends…"
He opened the notepad to a blank page.
"First, what should I name my characters? I just can't think of anything creative. Oh, I know!"
This is a story about Naruto, who liked a woman named Sakura.
"Of course, this story isn't about the real Naruto and Sakura. I just like their names. Now, I should probably describe what they look like, since that seems to be of great importance in these romance novels."
Sakura was an ugly girl, with a huge forehead, pink hair, and flat chest. Naruto thought she was attractive anyway.
"Description, check. And I did it without making her sound like an alien! No more than the real Sakura, anyway.
However, there's a problem with Naruto's description. I can't describe the real Naruto, as no one would ever be attracted to him. Even if he did have a penis. This story has to be believable, after all. Some changes will have to be made."
Naruto had short black hair, pale skin, and black eyes. He looked quite sexy in his black shirt that only covered half his torso, and low-slung black pants.
Now for the plot. It said in Social Interaction for Dummies that women like it when you give them presents, such as candy or flowers."
'I bought you some candy, Sakura-chan! It is sugar-free and fat-free, so you don't need to worry about gaining weight and looking uglier than you already are! And since real flowers are only going to die, I got some plastic flowers!'
Sakura loved her presents. 'Oh Naruto, you're so romantic!'
"Now that I've set the mood, he should give her a compliment. The compliment should be flattering, but it should also be true. That's what the book says."
'I love your eyes, Sakura-chan. They pull the focus away from your massive forehead. And the color reminds me of frogs.'
Sakura blushes. 'Thank you! Did I tell you that I love your outfit? It's so manly and not gay at all!'
"Great, they definitely want each other. Now for the self-sacrifice situation, since it worked so well for me."
At that moment, a horrible monster appeared and attacked Sakura! It was an enormous beast, with four legs and nine tails! It also had a head with two eyes and one nose. Its skin was covered with menacing red fur. There were 6.022 x 10^23 strands of it, although no one had gotten close enough to count. Also, it had two triangle-shaped ears.
Sai was quite satisfied. "That should provide an adequate picture of what the monster looks like. The reader will have an exact quantity of each appendage."
'I'll save you, Sakura!' yelled Naruto, as he ran towards the monster. He took out his scroll and quickly drew several creatures, which then came to life and attacked the monster. He then used his awesome ninja skills to throw Sakura out of the way, hurting his arm in the process because she was so heavy. Finally, Naruto killed the monster and saved the day. Sakura was so impressed that she decided to have sex with him.
"These romantic stories always end with a sex scene. However, I'm fairly certain that the author of the Icha Icha series has never actually had sex before. I haven't either, but according to Biology of Mammals, they are doing it all wrong! But I guess if they are aliens, such things are possible. The sex in my story will be much more realistic."
First, Naruto and Sakura took off all their clothes. Then, Naruto put on a condom, because he did not want to catch Sakura's germs.
"The author of Icha Icha does not seem to realize that unprotected sex can result in pregnancy and-slash-or sexually transmitted diseases. I don't think that a syphilis diagnosis would be very romantic."
Naruto and Sakura proceeded to have sexual intercourse. This was done by insertion of the penis into the vaginal canal. They stimulated one another until one or both partners achieved orgasm. The presence of the condom prevented sperm from penetrating the cervix and entering the female reproductive tract. Conception was successfully averted.
"Well, now that they are together, I have nothing else to write. Except…stories usually end with a conclusion. I want to give the couple a happy ending."
Naruto and Sakura got married, and lived happily ever after. Until they died.
The End. By: Sai
Sai was so thrilled with his accomplishment that the entrance of Naruto and Sakura almost escaped his notice. Almost.
"Visitors!" He smiled. I didn't expect my efforts to work this quickly!
"Hello Sai. How are you feeling?" asked Sakura.
"I am doing great, thank you," Sai replied.
"What are you writing, Sai?" Naruto asked.
Sakura looked up with interest. "Oh, you're a writer too! That's so neat! Can I see what you're writing?"
"Of course, Sakura-san," Sai said as he handed over the notebook.
Sakura's skin paled, and smile slowly fell off her face as she read the contents of the notebook. Sai did not notice, as he was busy smiling with his eyes closed. However, had his eyes been open, he would interpret Sakura's expression as one of deep interest in an intriguing story. After all, people usually wear a "serious" expression when they are deep in thought.
Naruto glanced over Sakura's shoulder. "What are me and Sakura doing…?" His face lit up. "Awesome, I want to read the rest!"
Sakura quickly snatched the notebook away. "No, you're not, you pervert!" She then punched him the face a few times, just to clarify her point.
Point clarified, she turned to Sai. "And you…you should get used to the idea of staying in the hospital for a few more weeks."
Sai looked confused. "Why is that? Didn't you like my story? I put a lot of thought into it, and I'm sure I did everything right…"
The next day, Naruto could be found pacing around Sai's hospital room.
"You know, it's too bad Sakura broke both of your arms. Now you can't write sequels. Ooh, I know! How about you dictate, and I'll write it down!"
"Do you think she will come back to visit me if I do?"
"No, we're not going to tell her. But if you're going to write more porn, I know of several people who will want to visit."
Sai smiled. It looks like it will all work out, after all.