Tifa here. Yes I know that I haven't reviewed in forever but I don't have time with exams and all, after all that I promise I will be back!
This is a oneshot I came up with as a contest entry and since the contest is over I thought maybe someone here would enjoy it as well. There is Yaoi in this fic and there is a... lemon? Lime? If you don't like it then don't read it. For any and all who want to read. Enjoy!
Love Me as I Am
"I'll see you tomorrow then." Even though it wasn't a question Yukito Tsukishiro nodded. "See you later." Touya nodded before turning his bike around and pedaling away. Yukito watched his best friend till his back disappeared as he began to move downhill. Yukito sighed and turned but didn't bother to get back onto his bike. It wasn't as if there was someone at home waiting for him. Regardless of what he had been led to believe, there had never been anyone at home waiting for him. Not since the day he was born – no created however long ago that was.
He barely noticed his surroundings as he made his way home. The clear sky and bright sunlight seemed to mock his abnormally bad mood. It had been about three weeks since he had found out what he really was. Found out that Yukito was just a shell to hid the more import part that was Yue, Sakuras guardian. There was no other point to his existence other than to be the mask that Yue hid behind. He had asked Sakura what Yue was like. He himself had never seen the Moon Guardian or himself and he'd been curious.
Sakura had described Yue as being so different from Yukito himself and at the same time they were so similar. When he had frowned, Sakura had laughed. She had told him that Yue was kind of cold and aloof. She had got the starry look in her eyes that would have amused Yukito if it had happened in any other conversation. "He's like the moon. That's all I can say." Yukito sighed as he opened the door to his 'grandparents' home.
He dropped his bag in the front hall as he shut the door; no longer caring the energy to care about the books inside. He gazed at the walls and the ceiling of the front hall. How did he live here? How was the house paid for? All the money that he had received from his grandparents in the years that he had lived here. Where had it all come from? Where had anything he really had come from? Yukito slid along the wooden hood and pressed his forehead against his knees that he drew up to his chest. His hands were uncharacteristically in his hair, clenching the slivery locks as if the pressure would make the thoughts stop.
He couldn't remember his parents. In his head Yukito laughed. Even in his distress he could hear that the bitterness wasn't like him. But who was he? What was he?
'Be still' Instinctively Yukito knew who the voice belonged too but looked up anyways.
"You." He wished he could have sounded angry. "You have to know who I am." There was a long silence and Yukito began to think that he wouldn't get and answer.
"You are you and I am I." Yukito frowned.
"What is that supposed to mean." His voice was a whisper, his despair weighing heavily on him. "I don't exist. I don't have a past. All my memories are a lie. I remember parents and grandparents that don't exist. Schools I have never seen and childhood friends I have never met. I am nothing more than a shadow of you..." This time Yukito didn't get a reply but he thought he could feel the being inside of him pondering something. The sensation was so odd it pulled him out of his misery for a moment.
Just then his cell phone rang. Fishing the baby blue item from out of his pant pocket, Yukito glanced at the little screen, Touya, before flipping the tiny device open and putting it against his ear.
"Touya?" There was silence on the phone for a few seconds.
"Yuki? Are you alright?" Yukito forced the misery out of his voice, making his voice sound far more cheerful than he actually felt.
"I'm fine Touya. Why?" The silence on the other end of the line was longer this time for a second Yukito wondered if the line had been cut off.
"It's nothing. Yuki, you know you can tell me anything, right?" There was a prickling feeling behind his eyes and he clenched his eyes shut in order to stop what he knew was coming.
"I know Touya." His voice broke on the others name.
"Yuki? Yuki are you crying?" Yukito silently tried to pull himself together. His hand gripping the phone so hard he was afraid the device would break and cut their call off. "You aree crying. Yuki I'm coming over there now."
"No!" Yukito listened as the other end of the line went quite. He took a shaky breath. Sorry for shouting Touya. Look, you don't have to come over. Really, I'm fine."
"Yuki, you can't really think that I'll believe that-"
"Touya. Really I'm fine. I'll see you tomorrow. He kept his voice mellow, unable to make it sound any brighter and not wanting his friend to worry.
"I'm ok. Look, I'll see you tomorrow?" The long silences had guilt clawing at Yukitos insides.
"Is it Yue?" He hadn't been expecting it. Even if he had Yukito was sure that it would have hurt just as much. His whole body wanted urged him to cry out in agreement. Yes, it was Yue. Yes it was that he was a shell. He was a shadow for the more important being to hide within. He wasn't real. He never had been!
"I-I'll see you tomorrow."
"I'd better." Yukito smiled as he closed the phone. After a moment he let both it and the hand holding it fall to the ground. The tears that had been burning his vision finally fell and he did nothing to stop them. He pulled off his glasses with the intention of rubbing the tears away but he ended up pressing his eyes against his knees as he sobbed, wrapping his arms around his legs and leaving his glasses on the floor beside his cell phone. He couldn't have stopped the tears even if he had wanted to but he didn't. He wanted to cry forever and with the way he was feeling he was pretty sure he could.
Why had Touya chosen that moment to call? The one person his whole world had come to revolve around. Touya had stopped being his best friend so long ago. The elder Kinomoto sibling had come to mean so much more than just being a friend to him. he had become so much more. He had realized that he was in love with his best friend a long, long time ago. At first he wasn't sure but as they had gotten older he had figured it out. It wasn't fair. He had wanted to be the man that Touya could be proud of; a person that could stand at his side as an equal. Touya was always so brave and smart and... There were so many things he loved about the other. But now... How could someone love a person who had never been loved? How could something ever understand what true love really was? Ho could an empty shell love?
Yukito had stopped crying and just lay there panting. He felt too empty to cry anymore. Unseeing grey eyes stared at his phone and glasses. He wasn't human. He had never been a child. He had never grown up. He just existed. He was a tool that was put on and taken off at will. He could remember the admiration and caring of his grandparents but none of that was real. He didn't know what love was. He never had.
Something in the back of his mind was telling him to get up. That he shouldn't be on the floor. That he should get up and do something about his condition. Yukito crushed the voice and continued to lay there. There was no point any more. If he had Touya then maybe he would be able to bear the knowledge of not being a real person; at least then he would have been real to someone. Darkness began to close in on his vision and he didn't fight it. Happily he embraced the oblivion that wasn't his life.
Standing, Yue sat up slowly, becoming accustomed to his new... predicament. With a sigh he pulled himself onto his feet and picked up his false forms school bag, cell phone and glasses as he made his way through the average sized house and into his room. Placing the bag on the desk in the corner of the room, Yue sat down on the bed and looked at the glasses and phone that he held.
This was the reason why he hadn't want Yukito to know of his existence and this was just it. Yukito was human and thus more delicate then he was willing to admit. His mind couldn't take the pressure of all this, not all at once. His unwillingness to involve others was also not helping. He needed the others but he didn't want to be a burden. Yue sighed again. Touya was going to be his biggest problem.
He had known of Yukito's feelings long before his other had even been aware of them. He put a hand to his face as if to keep the memories out. The feelings that burned in Yukito burned so strongly often time Yue found them spilling into their collective mind. Yue shook his head at the memory of dreams that had not been entirely his. Rejection from Touya would break Yukito and his mind was already hanging by threads. Yue sighed again. He was starting to get the feeling that he would be doing that for a while. Standing up, he went to the full length mirror on the other side of the room. Standing before it, Yue brushed off the uniform and straightened it taking the glasses he held and putting them on. Staring at his reflection, Yue watched Yukito push his glasses onto his nose.
Being Yukito shouldn't be so hard.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Touya watched his best friend walk towards the fence and look up at the sky.
"I want to know what was wrong yesterday." Yukito looked over at him and smiled at him. Touyas insides knotted up but not in the way that they usual did when he saw that smile.
"It was nothing Touya." He opened his arms. "See, I'm fine." Touya didn't say anything he just stared. Yukito cocked his head. "What? Do I have something on my face?" Touya couldn't stand to watch that hand touch Yukitos face and instinctively grabbed it before it could.
"Where's Yukito?" Yukito frowned.
"Touya. I don't know what you mean." Touya growled.
"Damn it Yue! What did you do with Yukito?!" The puzzled look on Yukitos face melted in to a cold mask that had Touyas heart clenching. A look like that should never be one Yukitos face.
"Shouldn't you ask what you did to him?" Yue pulled Yukitos wrist out of Touyas grasp.
"What the hell does that mean?" Yue snorted a sound that was just wrong coming out of his fair friend.
"You're the one that wanted Yukito to know what he was so badly. There was a reason Yukito wasn't to know. What Yukito is, as a person and as my false form isn't something that you simply tell a person."
"Wha-" Yuki- Yue raised a hand, successfully cutting him off. That and the cold feeling that was beginning to sprout in his stomach.
"When you called yesterday it had finally settled in Yukitos mind. He is a cover for me. Everything that he knows, all of his memories, all of his relationships before coming here are just figments of his imagination. Yukito has no family, no history, and no past. He has never been a child, has never grown up. His entire life began the day you asked a drenched boy if he was lost." Touya began to shake his head half way through Yues speech and was now shaking. "The person called 'Yukito' was never real. That was the reality you handed him the day you told him the truth."
"That's not true! Yukito is his own person! I know it!" A tiny voice in the back of his mind was telling him that what Yue was saying was the truth. Hurriedly he crushed that voice. All the memories he and Yukito shared couldn't be lies. "I know it." Touya cursed the weakness in his voice as he lowered his head. Yue gave him a once over.
"Well then, maybe you should tell you should tell him that." Touyas head shot up but Yue was gone.
Yue closed the front door behind him with a sigh. Being Yukito hadn't been as simple as he had first thought it would be. He couldn't understand how his false form managed to be so... pleasant all the time. His throat felt funny. Yue took that as a sign that he was thirsty. Moving to the kitchen he thought of all the trouble this body was. He didn't have the problem with all these base animalistic needs. He was above all that.
Yue couldn't help feel a wave of relief at the sudden banging at the door. 'Finally,' He put the cup down in the empty sink running his tongue along the inside of him mouth storing to memory the sensation of the tasteless liquid, distantly wondering why his other half liked water at all. 'Took him long enough.' He made his way back to the front where Touya, tired of only banging, had joined his voice to the noise he was making. Flicking his hair back – or rather hair he would have had had he been in his own form, Yue opened the door.
"Yue! You open this door now..." Touya was sure that he would never get used to seeing the cold orbs of ice that Yue made them. He would never get used to Yukito's eyes so cold and devoid of emotion focused on him.
"What do you want?" Touya frowned his fists clenching.
"Isn't it obvious." Yue just raised an eyebrow. If he had done that in anyone elses body, Touya would have been hard pressed not to punch them. "I want to talk to Yukito." Yue gave him a once over and snorted.
"Haven't you said enough?" Yue made to close the door but Touya hurriedly put his foot in the way. He glared at Yue.
"Let me talk to him!"If Yue noticed the threatening growl in his voice he didn't pay it any mind. After a long moment of staring at him Yue just turned around and walked deeper into the house. Stepping into Yukito's home, Touya closed the door behind him and looked round for Yue. What he had been intending to say got lost somewhere in his throat as he watched Yue, in Yukito's body, walk towards the staircase. It hit him then. In school Yue had been trying to walk like Yukito and had pulled it off pretty well. And Yue himself didn't walk – or at least not often. Here was Yukito walking the way Yue would if he ever touched the ground. It was a swaying walk that drew the eyes past his gracefully swaying hips and down to his behind, just hidden by the material of their school jacket. Yue disappeared up the stairs and Touya shook his head angry with himself for letting his mind wander at a time like this. Cursing himself silently, Touya ran up the stairs.
He found Yukito – Yue – sitting at the vanity table that had been in Yukito's bedroom for as long as he could remember. When they were younger he would say that it was proof that Yukito was a girl. The other male would just smile saying that since his grandparents bought it, it would be a shame not to use it. Touya knew he didn't use it all that much anyways. Yue was sitting in front of it, a hand raised to eye level and he stared at the appendage like he had never seen it before. "All you humans are so fragile." Yue turned the hand around. "Not only your bodies, but your minds too." Touya growled.
"Are you calling Yukito weak?" Yue shrugged and put the hand down meeting his eyes in the mirror with a bored stare.
"You tell me. He's the one who couldn't handle the truth." Touya shook his head.
"Stop saying that. Yukito is not weak. He- he's the strongest person I know." Yue snorted again, a sound that Touya was fast getting tired of.
"Strong how? Don't people grow to become strong? Yukito hasn't gone through what it takes to make one strong." Yue did that head flicking thing that he had a tendency to do whenever Touya saw him. "He can't be a strong person he's just a shell that has no one and is no one-" Enraged by the words that were coming out of Yue, Touya had moved forward and had slammed him hand onto the table top.
"Don't you dare say things like that about Yuki." Yue just raised a brow. "Of course he has people. Yuki has me!"
In the darkness Yukito felt something poke him. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to dwell here in the bliss of nothing forever. He would have happily gone back to sleep if it wasn't for the loud voices that wouldn't go away. After a moment, he blinked.
Touya was so angry. He just wanted Yue to give him back his best friend. Something in his mind rebelled at the title. No, Yukito wasn't just his best friend. Yukito was so much more. Yue just shrugged.
"You have others. You can make new friends." Touya shook his head before the other had finished.
"No one can replace Yuki. Nothing can."
"So easy to say. What makes Yukito so special? I'm sure with time Sakura or even Sayaron could take his place." Touya glared.
"Because I love him." There. He had said it out loud. A wave of warmth spread over him and he felt as if a weight had been lifted. He loved Yukito his best friend. He had been in love with him from the day he had seen a soaking wet angel without it's wings and summoned the courage to talk to him. The word angel brought his thoughts back to the fake one in front of him. Oh, Yue was no angel. Noticing the moon guardian had been watching him, Touya hurriedly wiped the smile off his face. Yue shrugged again.
"You love your father and your sister don't you?" Touya shook his head slowly. The anger had suddenly drained out of him and couldn't have summoned it even if he had wanted to. He stared down at Yukitos face and that clench he had been feeling around his heart tightened with the knowledge that it wasn't Yukito behind those eyes.
"I do. But it's not the same." Touya straightened. "Look Yue, I just want Yuki back." He raised a hand as Yue opened his mouth cutting the guardian off. He wondered what Yue would think if Touya told him not to pout. "You say that he's not a person like the rest of us. He doesn't know strength, and friendship and the rest. I don't agree with you but regardless of what you say I still want him back. Besides, even if what you're saying is true, I don't care. Yuki is the only person that I want with me and no matter what else there is about him to learn that will never change."
"Is-is that true?" Touys gaze left the open window he had started looking at half way through his speech and nodded at Yue.
"Yes. All our memories together are true aren't they? Even if they weren't, I'd still love him." He only had an instant of warning. One moment Yukito had been sitting on the chair, the next he had both arms around Touyas waist pressing his face into his school uniform and sobbing.
It took a moment for Touyas brain to catch up with what had happened but when it did he smiled softly and placed a hand a top of Yukitos head."Yuki? Is that you?" Unable to talk, the sobbing head just nodded. Placing a hand on Yukitos shoulder, Touya started to pull him up till he could stare at the others face. In the short time that he had been crying Yukitos eyes had swelled up slightly behind his glasses, his face was reddening and shining with tears. To Touya he had never looked so beautiful.
"T-Touya I- I nev-never-" Touya placed a finger on Yukitos lips silencing him. He smiled, just glad to have the other back.
"I know." Bending in what to him felt like slow motion. Touya took his finger away and replaced it with his lips. The shock that Yukito had must have been feeling didn't last very long because he was soon as much of an active a participant at Touya was himself. Snaking an arm around Yukitos back Touya stepped forward forcing the other to arch his back futher and deepening the kiss. Unable to help himself, Touya ran his tongue along Yukitos lower lip requesting entrance. When Yukito opened up, he used his tongue to map out the others mouth. Lord, Yukito tasted like vanilla and salt and just pure Yukito. Yukito suddenly did something with his mouth and Touya groaned. When he did it again, the sensation shot straight through hum and pooled in his groin.
Touya broke the kiss and stared down at Yukito. The only word that came to his mind was beautiful. His swollen lips and glazed eyes had Touya trying – and failing – to suppress a groan. As he just took in the other, Yukito leaned in and began kissing his neck. His soft kisses got to a point just below his ear that made him shiver. Yukito must have noticed because he went for the spot again but instead of his lips this time, Touya felt the warm tip of his tongue brush against the skin. His shiver was harder, his arms tightening around the other instinctively and this time he couldn't stop the groan that escaped through his teeth.
It took a moment for him to realize that Yukito had a hand between them and had already undone his school tie and was working slowly on the buttons. For the first time unsure Touya looked down at him. "Are you sure?" Yukito kissed the skin beneath the buttons of his shirt before looking up at him with a nod.
Yukito couldn't believe this was happening. He had dreamt about this so many times but it as nothing like he had imagined. The real thing was so much better. He was laying face up on the bed staring up at Touya, at this distance he didn't need the glasses sitting on the nightstand to see Touya. He was so beautiful. Yukito would have reached up and touched that lovely darkened skin if Touya hadn't had both his hands pinned down with one of his above Yukitos head. In the dimming light he watched Touya stare at him. His cloths had long ago disappeared somewhere onto the floor but the intense look that Touya had in his eyes made him both shy and proud at the same time. Not to mentioned how the heat from Touyas eyes affected him down there.
Touya swooped down and captured his lips. Even as their lips touched Yukito was groaned and as Touya deepened the kiss his back arched. He wanted to get closer- A large hand pushed him back down as Touya chuckled. Yukito whimpered his displeasure at the broken kiss but his whimpers turned into moans when Touya began to tease the skin at his throat. Slowly, Touya made his way down and Yukito was having trouble remembering how to breathe. He gasped when Touya took one of his hardened nipples into his mouth and began to swirl his tongue around it while using his free hand to lightly pinch the other one. He moved his mouth to the other nipple before continuing on his way down. Yukito wasn't sure that his back would ever straighten again but that thought shattered when Touyas tongue reached his belly button. God! He never knew his belly button could feel like that. He was panting and weak when Touya rose to his knees letting go of his pinned hands as he did. Yukito was to shaken to even try to move them.
"So beautiful..." Yukito almost didn't hear him but he never got a chance to replay because whatever it was that he wanted to say melted into a part groan part cry as Touya took him into his mouth. The feel of Touya hot mouth surrounding him almost overwhelmed him but when his tongue slowly swirled around the head of his erection, light flashed beneath his clenched lids and he came.
When he was able to think straight again, Yukito opened his eyes to see Touya leaning over him, a smile on his lips. Suddenly feeling guilty that Touya had been the one giving the pleasure Yukito reached up with a hand. He had dimly felt Touya when he had used his tongue to clean him up and Yukito wanted to return the favour and make Touya feel as good as the brunette had made him feel. Touya took one of his hands and brought it to his lips.
"I- I want to do you." He wasn't sure that Touya had heard him but knew he had when the other smiled. The warmth in the other's eyes stirring something inside him.
"Next time." Even though he was confused, Yukito greedily stored the promise of a next time. His confusion must have showed on his face because Touya's smile widened. "This time it's all about you." Yukito didn't have a chance to reply, since, having finished kissing his fingers, Touya took his lips again. Yukitos hands came up and tangled themselves in the others hair demanding form the kiss as much as he gave: everything. He wasn't disappointed. Touya broke the kiss and stared down at him, eyes serious. "We can still stop." Yukito shook his head. Loosening his grip on Touyas hair, he reached up and took out the tube he always left under his pillow. Seeing it Touya raised an eyebrow causing Yukito to blush.
"I dream." He wasn't about to start explaining. Instead he leaned forward and lightly kissed Touya. "I couldn't want anything more." Nodding, Touya hurriedly preparded his fingers.
"This is going to hurt." Yukito nodded and hissed as Touya slid one finger into his entrance. Touya began to mutter and Yukito listened to the low sound of his voice as the second finger went in. It was an effort to keep the tears from falling as his body became used to the pain. "This is the last one." Before Touya inserted the third finger, Yukito pulled him down for a kiss. Touya swallowed his gasp of pain as the last finger went in and used his tongue and free hand to sooth his body into relaxing while he was streched.
"Inside. Please..." Touya held the kiss for a few more moments before preparing himself than lifting Yukitos legs and positioning himself at his entrance. Yukito kept his eyes on Touya as he started to enter him. This was Touya he was with. Touya would never hurt him, not ever. Yukitos eyes widened. Touya was so large. The other stopped, leaning over him while Yukitos body adjusted.
With only the slightest waning, Touya pulled out almost all the way out before thrusting back inside of him. Yukito cried out, part in pain and part, the larger part, in pleasure. Yukito realized that Touya had stopped and gave him a reassuring smile. It must have been taking all of Touyas self control not to hurt him. Yukitos appreciation became tears that Touya bend down and kissed away before continuing.
His thrusts took on a steady pace that Yukitos body soon became accustomed to and mimicked. With each thrust, Yukito could feel Touya coming closer to something but his mind was so drunk on the pleasure he was feeling that he couldn't on to any form of coherent thought. Hot sweat slicked bodies rubbed against one another as the pace quickened. With both his hands, Yukito pulled Touya down for a kiss as the other kept pumping into him. Their moans mixing together as their tongues teased one another to the rhythm of the steady pounding. Suddenly, Touya hit the spot and Yukito screamed, his back arching so that only his hips and shoulders touched the bed and he came. Touya cried out his name seconds after him, empting himself inside him and filling Yukito with a heat the spread throughout his whole body.
"Touya?" the brunette moaned. "Are you asleep?" there was silence. "Touya?"
"Almost." Yukito laughed. He would keep it in mind that Touya would fall asleep right after.
"Did you mean what you said?" Yukito turned to watch Touya yawn.
"Did you mean what you said about me?" Touya opened his eyes and looked at him.
"Yes." Something in his chest thumped heavily. He hoped it wasn't his heart. The way his heart had been beating in last few hours, Yukito wasn't sure it could take any more.
"Really?" Touya reached for him and Yukito happily went into his arms. Yukito blushed as his forehead was lightly kissed.
"Always." That thing in his chest thumped harder this time. Yukito let the silence go on for a bit before,
"You know we owe Yue." The silence went on so long Yuktio was afraid Touya had gone to sleep this time. "Touya?"
"Shh... I'm trying to think of a loop hole." Yukito laughed, snuggling up against Touyas chest. They would have to get cleaned up but right he was content where he was.
"I love you." Touya chuckled.
"Hey..." Yukito pouted knowing that Touya couldn't see him but sure the other would know he was in that special way that was only his. Touya chuckled again.
"I love you too Yuki. Always." Yukito knew that the thumping couldn't have been just his heart. The warmth that spread with the thump that came with the words he had been waiting his existence to hear filled him with happiness. Happiness and love.
"Night To-ya..." Yukito didn't know if the other replied because he was already asleep.
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