a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic

Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.


Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.

A/N: *cackles evily* I love being mean to my characters... even when they're me!

Lucky you guys, I edited out the ridiculous bloodshed at the end.

Chapter 12: Jack-Eating Kraken Attack (1438 words)

"My father is on that ship," Will said.

"We already know that," Jamie said.

"If we can outrun her, we can take her." Will went on.

"Not always," I observed.

"We should turn and fight," he urged Jack. I rolled my eyes.

"Why fight when you can negotiate?" Jack asked.

"For once, you have given up wonderful logic," I informed him. He gave me a look like, 'For once'?

"All one needs is the proper leverage," he finished. I tried to refrain from laughing, since that was exactly what I'd told Norrie when handing him DJ's heart. Then the Kraken-summoning jolt went through the ocean. His jar of dirt fell off the railing and onto the deck below. It shattered quite beautifully, actually. I looked down at the pile of white-as-sand dirty that Jack was digging through.

"I've always thought it's strange that that ripple effect summons both the Pearl to Lizzie's – well, Will's – well, really Bootstrap's – necklace and the Kraken to DJ's biding,"I commented to Jamie.

"Right," she said. I was pretty sure she had no idea what the hell I was talking about.

"Norrie's got the thump-thump!" I called down to Jack. I don't think he was paying attention to me, though.

"We must have hit a reef!" A random crewmember said. Everyone – except me and Will – went to look over the rails.

"No," he said to himself almost. "It's not a reef!" he yelled.

"Get away from the rail!" I added. Will yanked Lizzie away, and I pulled on Jamie's arm.

"What is it?" she asked.

"The Kraken," Will and I said at the same time.

"To arms!" he ordered.

"Load guns! Defend the mast!" Gibbs seconded.

"It'll attack to starboard!" Will went on, moving into action. "I've seen it before." He pulled a sword from a handy barrel of them at the bottom of the stairs. I checked on my pistol and sword. Yup, still functioning. Well, in my possession, anyway. "Run out the cannons and hold for my signal!" Will went on. There was a huge scurry of movement on deck. A lot of the crew went below to man the guns. A considerable number of us were still left above deck, watching as the terrifying tentacles came closer and closer.

We all started backing up. Even the distance between me and that thing of a whole entire spear was not enough. I had a sudden pang of homesickness. "Will?" Lizzie called, reminding me that there was a deadly creature in front of me and I had no time for homesickness. "Will," she called again, slightly more desperate. "Will!" she screamed.

"FIIIIIIRRRE!" Will yelled. There were a lot of explosions and a lot of smoke came up from the inside of the ship. The kraken tentacles writhed. A big one smashed the longboats.

"Shit!" I yelled. There were a few more explosions, and a sound I took to be the Kraken moaning in pain. Will ran up onto the deck. Everyone ran to the edges of the ship to look at their handiwork.

"It'll be back," Will said underneath the cheers. Jamie nodded as well.

"We have to get off the ship," she said.

"Too late," I said.

"There's no boats," Lizzie reiterated. ((YAY BIG WORDS XD)) A convenient powder keg rolled across the deck.

"We still have a bit more firepower in us," Jamie said, catching the barrel's drift. Will began to scheme.

"Pull the grates!" he ordered.

"He easily steps into the role of Captain, huh," I remarked cryptically to Jamie. Well, cryptically on my part, because I knew his fate. (Ooh, tricky me!)

"Get all the gunpowder onto the net in the cargo hold!" Will went on.

"That won't be enough," Jamie said.

"Will – rum's flammable too!" I called after him as he went down the steps.

"There's only half a dozen kegs of powder!" Gibbs worriedly told Will.

"Then load the rum," Will replied. The crew groaned.

"The rum's going down either way – at least this way it can help us!" I called into the cargo hold.

"Aye, the rum, too," Gibbs said sadly. I glanced out to sea, to see if Jack was rowing away yet. He was. Actually, he was at least as far away as he was when he decided to turn around, at least to my eyes.

Suddenly, another shudder ran through the ship. I suddenly burst into tears. "I don't wanna die; I don't belong here; what if I do die?" I cried. Then, suddenly, the kraken attacked with extra force. "AHH!" I screamed. I was worse than scared for my life. I spared only half a second to pull Jamie aside.

"Jamie, when was the last full moon?"

"Four days ago, why?" she said, then went off to help with getting rid of the Kraken.

"Crap! Not good, not good, not good." I really did not look forward to being PMS-y and scared shitless in Singapore, freezing my butt off getting to the end of the world, or being dead.

I didn't want the last to happen accidentally.

I took out my sword and channeled (as best I could) what had been worthy of sobbing only minutes before into intense anger directed at the Kraken. "You're destroying the best bloody ship in the world!" I screamed. I yelled at it some more. I called it some names I really shouldn't write here, because it would force me to bring up the rating. I threw the world's best fifteen-year-old hissy fit, complete with slicing any and all tentacles that came within the reach of my sword. I definitely managed to maim the thing considerably. Everywhere, members of the crew were being picked right up off the deck and thrown away like useless, broken ragdolls. There was debris everywhere. Everything was going... well, as good as was to be expected.

Then the dumb squid-thing decided enough was enough. It smashed the wheel that the crew was using to lift the net that held the rum and gunpowder. The net (with Will still attached of course) dropped a few feet. Will got caught. I let out a pleasant set of expletives and ran to a corner where I might, possibly, be able to be out of the way. Then, Lizzie almost got dragged away by the Kraken. Thankfully, Ragetti was there to save her. He chopped off the tentacle below where it was wrapped around her leg.

"See, told you it was a good plan," I said. However, there was still a lot of drama going on on deck. Some random guy picked up Lizzie's rifle, but then the Kraken picked him up. Of course, the random dude dropped it at the top of the stairs. Way to be epic.

Lizzie freaked out and climbed up the stairs. The ship rocked and she fell over. She reached the rifle, but then a boot stepped on it.

"JACK!" I yelled. "WHY DID YOU MAGICALLY APPEAR AT THE HIGHEST PART OF THE DECK?!?" Jamie, who ended up next to me at that point, rolled her eyes. Jack reached down and picked up the rifle. Lizzie climbed up the last few steps and leaned on his leg. Jack lifted the rifle and aimed, but didn't shoot just yet. Will was still trying to work himself free from the much-too-thick-for-its-own-good rope that was holding all of the barrels together. Finally, he got himself free and took a wonderfully epically ugly fall to the deck. However, it did the job. Jack shot and exploded the rum and gunpowder, and Will was out of the way.

The barrels exploded. The Kraken drew back into the water, its tentacles – with huge, burned chunks missing – singeing as they touched the water. The sound was rather sickening, not to mention the smell of burning Kraken. Eww.

The explosion didn't leave us unharmed. The deck had patches that were burned, and it was littered with debris, both charred and not. All of a sudden, I felt a huge pain in my left arm. A jagged piece of wood was stuck in it, and it was starting to bleed. I stared at it as everyone else who was still alive was coming out of whatever refuge they had sought in the blast. Jamie emerged right next to me and looked worriedly at me. I probably didn't look too good.

The big splinter-thing in my arm wasn't too bad. It wasn't more than four inches long at the most, and it wasn't wide at all. It really was just a long, flat splinter. Still, it hurt. Jamie stared at it, then at me.

"Um... oops?" I said.

A/N: Sorry, I got all PMS ATTACK in the middle of this. I actually did while writing it. And I still have homework to do... Gah.

Haha. Sorry about the overly descriptive. I have this bad habit of loving blood and gore to death, and it sneaks into my stories. Lucky me.

Sure, go ahead, leave a review complaining about the blood. See if I care!

Anyway, there's only about 5 minutes left in the movie that I'm still using. That doesn't mean this fic is over, tho – far from it! In fact, I have a little bit of original stuff to write. Mostly from Tia's shack (and getting that nasty splinter out of my arm) until we get to Singapore. I don't have much planned for it, so it should be interesting!