Just a head's up, Edward and Bella are seniors right now.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer beat me to the punch when it came to Twilight, but the plot of this fanfic is all mine!
My breathing sped up as I read the line.
What would you say if I asked you out? (JW) Just Wondering
I held my breath as I thought about what my reply would be. I didn't want to make him think that I didn't like him, but I also felt really awkward. I did not know how to flirt.
Well first I'd probably blush (you know me) and then I would probably say yes.
I threw the note behind me onto his desk before I could lose my confidence. After this question, we went back to our normal twenty questions that we had been playing before and I stayed rigid for the rest of class.
The bell finally rang and I got up and ran out of the room before he could have a chance to say anything. I had used about the least bit of my confidence in that note and now, I just needed a breather.
As I walked into my next class, I became increasingly aware of how idiotic I must look, breathing fast and displaying a huge smile.
Walking into the library, where my history class was being held, I plopped down next to my only two friends in this class, Rosalie and Alice.
"What's with the smile?" Rosalie asked, already suspicious. Alice just seemed to be bouncing all over, her eyes wandering from one spot to another.
"Guess what just happened to me?" I said, already feeling excited again.
"What?" They both said immediately.
I filled them in on what happened, feeling strangely superior and proud for finally being the one to insinuate the girl talk. They gave me props at the end, saying how proud they were of me for being able to flirt without spontaneously combusting.
Nothing could crush my amazing mood. I felt like I was on cloud nine.
That is until I saw him after school. He was walking to his car, his bag over his shoulder and he smiled sardonically at me that I returned with a scowl.
Yet, I couldn't stop my heart from clenching and beating fast.
The next day, I made sure that I at least made an effort to look decent today. I couldn't help myself. I had never been the type of girl to swoon over any guy, but I guess I wasn't immune to all girly attributes.
Driving to school, I kept bouncing around and I was seriously thinking that I might crash into something. I couldn't wait until I saw him again.
My happy mood was stamped though, when I stepped into my biology class.
He stood close to my desk, talking with his friend, and I quickly looked away as to not make eye contact with him.
When class started, he walked behind me and against my own will, my heart fluttered and my breath caught at him being so close. When he sat down at the front of the classroom, I couldn't protest against myself as my eyes followed him and I took in every detail.
Edward Masen. The boy with who I share a very ugly history that resulted on some arguments that left us hating each other.
I can't think about him right now. I told myself. Focus on class and don't think about him.
As class ended, I rushed outside to get to my next class when suddenly, Jacob intercepted me.
"Hey Bella!" He called. I immediately blushed and my heart fluttered.
This could be it…
"Hey Jake." I said back, smiling and all past tension left my body. He smiled at me, before casting his eyes down.
"Hey Bella, uhm…", he stuttered a bit, scratching his head.
This is it…
"I was wondering if…you would go out with me?" He asked, flashing me a tentative smile.
I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling and look like a fool. I was screaming and jumping on the inside. Jacob was one of the sweetest and cutest boys in school and he asked me out. Out of all the girls who wanted him, he asked me.
"Sure." I answered. Sure? I chided myself mentally. What a lame way to respond? Jacob took no notice, though. Instead, he smiled widely,before stepping closer to me.
A sent a fleeting look backwards, and immediately regretted it. Edward. His eyes met mine, and my world came crashing down. I turned back around, and took Jacob's offered hand.
I tried to create a conversation with him, but I really couldn't think of anything, so I said the first thing that came to mind
"You know, I saw this coming, right?" I said with a smile.
He smiled back. "Was it the 'what would you say if I asked you out' that tipped you off?"
"Pretty much." We laughed for a second before silence fell over us. I couldn't think of anything to say. Jacob seemed perfectly content but I felt completely awkward, almost exposed.
Before, we could talk about millions of things and it took no effort. Yet, I still couldn't think of anything to say to him. There was a cold feeling seeping into my chest, and I wanted to bleach the memory of Edward's stoic face out of my mind.
"This your class?" He asked, stopping us.
I nodded and he smiled and stepped closer to hug me. He didn't notice that for a second I cringed and froze. I never liked hugging or touching for that matter. The action always seemed to be too intimate for me, like something that should only be shared romantically. I wasn't very big on displaying emotions.
He turned and left for his class and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.
Jacob Black is now my first boyfriend. We've been going out for a total of two minutes. So why do I feel like a person trapped in a relationship?
What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy and relieved that I finally found someone who I liked, and liked me back? Everything was supposed to be perfect right now. But it's not.
All through class, I couldn't help but think about Jacob, and much to my displeasure….Edward.
In the privacy of my own thoughts, I let myself doubt Jacob and think about Edward.
I never got over him.
I could still remember the smell of rain as I read the note, the drops of water staining the ink of his handwriting. I could still remember being anxious. I remember being disappointed he had known for months and ended up asking me in a note. I remember the annoyance of his childlike behavior. I remember telling Jessica to tell him no, then I remember my anger as everyone suddenly knew and were pressuring me to say yes. Then I remember, thinking he was just mocking me, using my feelings against me for a good laugh.
But I most certainly remember how we had never had a steady conversation after that day unless it was to insult each other.
"I'll tell you who I like if you tell me who you like." Jane said from beside me as we walked to our class. We were only freshmen and we knew not to roam the halls after the bell rang. What she had just said sounded so childish but I shrugged since I was bored.
"Okay." I agreed.
"You first." She said.
I was prepared to say Mike Newton, the cute blonde boy who we were friends with. I had had a crush on him for over five months now, but for some reason, I didn't want to say his name. I didn't have the kind of crush on him that makes me pine after him. He was more of an infatuation because he was cute and funny. Not to mention everybody liked him.
I quickly went through a list of names who I thought Jane might like. The only one I could think of was Mike. So instead I said the first name that popped in my head.
"Edward Masen." I said.
"Really? He's kind of geeky. But cute geeky." She said, sitting next to me in class.
He was. I had gotten to know Edward last year in eighth grade when he moved here from Chicago with his family. He sat in front of me in my art class and one day, he had turned and talked to me.
He was kind of dorky. At the time, he had glasses and braces but even with those, he was still a cutie to me. I remember one day in art, we were working on a project and the next thing I heard was the teacher saying, "Edward, can you please stop staring at Bella and get to work."
We had both blushed then but we were good friends now. He was so fun and easy to be around. We had almost everything in common and we talked about the dorkiest things together without being embarrassed.
"Yeah." I told Jane, believing my own lie. But maybe it wasn't a lie. There was nothing wrong with Edward.
"Mike." She told me. I knew it. She went into full gush mode and started talking about Mike, but I couldn't stop thinking about Edward for some reason.
After that, whenever I was around Edward, my heart would flutter and I would blush. When Jane told me she was moving to Mississippi, I was naturally sad that she was leaving.
The night when she was moving, she called me and told me she had told Edward that I liked him.
I had been so mad at her but I was at least glad I had Christmas break before I had to face him again. Maybe he would forget.
Christmas break had passed by so fast that I dreaded going back to school.
But for a long time he acted just the same, and talked to me like nothing had happened. I was relieved to think that maybe Jane was just kidding when she said she had told him, but then my so called friends started talking to him, dropping hints that I liked him. (Back then, I was actually friends with Jessica and Lauren, uhg.)
Then I remember exactly four days before Valentine's day, Jessica approached me as we went to gym and gave me a note that was from Edward. My heart had skipped a beat and I waited until everyone was playing a game to open it.
Will you go out with me?
That's it, I thought to myself. He knew for this entire time and he sends me a note. I felt disappointment fill me. He was always such a gentlemen, I thought he would have asked me in person in a quiet place, if he was ever going to ask me.
Maybe he's just shy. I told myself. I already knew he was, but this could explain it. The disappointment left and was replaced by a mild annoyance. I probably would have done exactly the same thing.
Then a thought occurred to me that made my blood run cold. Was he making fun of me? Taking my feelings and throwing them back in my face through a joke?
I decided what I would do. I would confront him after school. Ask him to tell me exactly what he was doing. If this was real, then I'd be ecstatic and would say yes. If this was just a joke, then I could pretend it didn't hurt me at all and maybe get in a good hit.
"So Bella, what's your answer?" Jessica asked excitedly.
I glared at her, realizing she had read the note. It was then that I looked around and saw that several people were quietly waiting for my answer. Anger like nothing I had ever felt before suddenly filled me.
It was none of their business what my answer was. This small town was only in want of new gossip, and I'd be damned if I was their source. They could all go mind their own business.
"No." I said simply before walking into class, not looking at anyone and especially not Edward.
I saw Jessica whispering around and soon more glances were thrown my way. Couldn't these jerks mind their own business. I hated being the center of attention and I especially didn't like it now.
I wasn't ready for when Eric Yorkey jumped in front of me yelling, "Come on, say yes to Edward!" Everyone looked at me for my response and I only looked down, seething.
I had been so angry at everyone else, that I forgot my mild annoyance with Edward, and forgot to confront him after school. For all he knew, I had just rejected him. My mind was too filled with rage at everyone to even start thinking about him.
We didn't talk for a week, then for another week. I wanted to confront him, like I originally planned, but he was taking it so coolly, that I figured I had my answer. His reasons for asking me out became clear to me. I was a joke.
Next time we spoke, it was as if it was rehearsed. We got into a huge fight with some colorful language and after that, it was a mutual understanding that we hated each other.
And yet, every time he looked at me, I had to yell at my stupid heart for beating fast. What did I expect? Did I really hate him? Or did I just hate that I still liked him even after witnessing the kind of bad person he could be?
I hated that whenever he looked at me, my heart fluttered. I hated that when he walked close to me, my breath hitched. I hated that I looked forward to our arguments just because I could talk to him. I hated that I listened to love songs, always imagining him.
It was two years afterward, in my junior year, when I realized I loved him.
The bell for lunch pulled me out of my thoughts and I walked to the cafeteria. When I got there, Jake suddenly appeared in front of me. I smiled at him, but deep inside I was frowning. The trip down memory lane was making me feel a little depressed. It wasn't fair to Jacob to have a girlfriend who was still pining after another guy.
Maybe, I should just stay single and broken hearted because of my own stupid anger problems and gullibility.
"Where do you want to sit?" He asked.
What? Oh right, boyfriends usually sit next to their girlfriends.
"Uhm, we can sit with my friends or yours if you want." I said quietly.
We ended up sitting with my friends and Alice and Rosalie couldn't help but make kissy faces when Jake wasn't looking. All through lunch, though, I hardly talked to Jacob. I tried to, I really did but we ended up in awkward silences, unlike the easy conversations that Edward and I used to have in ninth grade.
The guilt and depression spread through me again.
Edward suddenly passed our table with Tanya Denali, both of them laughing at something Tanya had just said. I tried not to let Jacob notice as I stared at Edward and Tanya, my heart aching. Everyone knew Tanya had the biggest crush on Edward. Even he knew it, but he never did anything about it. I felt no hate or jealousy towards Tanya. I'd been in her shoes. I hoped she didn't end up having her heart stomped on.
I looked down for five seconds but looked back up when the table suddenly went quiet.
"Hello people." Edward said, Tanya behind him.
I felt my blood run cold. I was suddenly very aware of Jacob next to me, and I almost wanted to scoot away from him as to not give Edward the idea that we were dating or anything. But wait, we were. I was over Edward.
I scooted closer to Jacob and leaned into his shoulder, almost as if I was trying to rub it in Edward's face. He was completely out of my life.
"What do you want?" Alice snapped. Rosalie was actually friendly towards Edward, but last year, Edward had made the mistake of calling Alice a midget, and she pretty much hated him now.
"What? I can't come say hi to my fellow classmates?" He asked innocently.
"No." I told him rudely. His eyes flashed to me, and he took note of Jacob's near proximity.
"Last I checked, I wasn't talking to you." He snapped back, eyes narrowing.
"Yeah, well last I checked, you were addressing the entire table, I was simply supplying you with an answer. How about you take your prissy attitude and go talk to someone who's willing to put up with it?" I snipped back.
This was usually the bread and bones of whatever conversation we had. Insult. Insult back. Insult. Insult back.
"Wow, tough crowd." Tanya said, cutting into the conversation. "Hey Bella, did you finish the English project?"
"Yeah, I actually finished it just last night." I answered her, my tone completely changing. I actually liked Tanya.
"Really? Could you text me tonight for some help?" She asked, eyes a little desperate.
"Yeah, sure." I answered with a smile.
I heard Edward scoff angrily for some reason, and then he glared at me, before stalking off. Tanya rolled her eyes.
"He's such a baby." She mumbled. I laughed.
"What do you see in him?" I asked jokingly, but then immediately regretted asking, wandering if I had just entered dangerous territory.
"Nothing anymore." She answered lightly. "I mean, I did have a crush on him last year, but then he admitted to me he was hung up on this one girl, so I moved on. We're good friends though."
My heart fell. Hung up on some girl?
Well if he could move on, I definitely could, too. I was suddenly very welcoming to Jacob's warmth next to me.
"See ya guys." She said before returning to her own lunch table.
I turned to Jacob next to me, but he looked slightly uncomfortable.
"What was that?" He asked, voice a little deflated.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Edward and you?" He asked, a little hesitantly.
I felt my expression harden. "Nothing." I stated.
"Didn't look like nothing." I heard him mumble to himself.
I let the subject drop.
As Jacob and I walked to fourth period together, we didn't touch and we hardly talked. As we waited for the teacher to arrive, we were out in the hallway and he was leaning over me.
I knew he had way more experience with girls than me and I freaked as he leaned in closer. He was expecting a kiss but I couldn't give it to him.
I felt guilty again because in that brief second of being close to kissing him, Edward's face flashed in my mind, and I felt like I was cheating.
I turned my face the other way and I think Jacob got the message.
But then again, during class, he wouldn't stop touching me. He sat right behind me and the entire time, his hands were either on my shoulders or my waist.
His warm hands felt too intimate.
I couldn't help but dread coming back to school tomorrow. I didn't want to come back and see Jacob or Edward. I felt guilty when I was with Jacob, and I felt like a rejected idiot when I was pining after Edward.
About a month has passed since that day I said yes to Jacob. And it has been filled with awkward silences and uncomfortable touching on my part. Every time I saw Jacob, I always felt like I was cheating on someone. More specifically, Edward.
I remember the day Edward found out about Jacob and me going out. It was two days after we had been together.
Jacob had just dropped me off to class and as I entered, I saw Edward's eyes resting on me.
I went to sit in my seat in the back as usual, but apparently we were having a new seating chart. As the teacher put us in our new spots, I held my breath as she announced my name to the only empty seat left: next to Edward.
I sat and threw him a frown that he returned. It wasn't that we hated each other that much anymore. It had dialed down to a routine dislike.
But even though I disliked him, I also happened to be in love with him.
I was focusing on the lesson when I suddenly felt a piece of paper land on my arm.
It was a note, and Edward just turned back to the teacher after handing it to me.
I took a deep breath before opening it. I was starting to have bad experience with notes. First, the drama with Edward, and then it led me into an uncomfortable relationship with guy that I now realized, I only liked as a friend.
So how is your boring life going?
Of course he'd start with an insult.
Nothing really, loser. Yours?
Pretty stable. Are you going out with that Jacob kid?
Well that was pretty straight forward.
After I gave him the note, he didn't write back and he didn't once send a glance my way. When class ended, he ran out the door.
I was still in love with Edward Masen. It's been three years since freshmen year and I'm still not over him. He was so annoying all the time, and he occasionally wore his glasses that still made him seem dorky, but I couldn't help it.
I loved him, and I was obviously screwed up since I was still with Jacob.
So why did I say yes to Jacob? Did I want to make Edward jealous? Did I want to prove to myself that I didn't love him? Did I want a relationship to forget the past?
One thing, I knew for certain: Jacob's been the first one to pay any attention to me that I actually welcomed since Edward, maybe that's why I said yes. A girl likes to feel wanted sometimes and Edward (the only one who mattered) clearly didn't give me that.
So why don't I just break up with Jacob and try to restore what I once had with Edward? Main reason: I didn't want to lie to Jacob when I broke up with him. He was the kind of guy that would ask why I broke up with him, and I didn't want to tell him about Edward.
I saw Jacob as nothing more than a friend, he had done nothing wrong. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment
Jacob stood in front of me, very close, leaning in. We still hadn't kissed. I never let him close enough to do that.
"Jacob…can we talk?" I said, backing up.
Immediately, his eyes became guarded as if he knew what was coming up.
"This isn't working." I started, looking down at my feet. "You're an amazing guy but I really just can't do it."
Jacob was watching me with wary eyes, knowing what was happening, and seeming to accept it but he had one question.
"Why?" He asked. I knew he was going to ask that. I couldn't lie to him either.
"I think you know why." I whispered. Jacob had always been perceptive, and I knew he wasn't oblivious.
He only nodded.
"Yeah, I was just hoping it wasn't what I was thinking." He said. He kissed my cheek then stepped back.
"You're an amazing girl, Bella. Edward better be smart enough to realize that." He said.
He turned before anything else could be said. I did care about Jacob, just not the way I ought to.
Now what do I do?
I didn't have long to think as I stepped into my class room and sat next to Edward.
He still didn't look at me, and there were times when I could have sworn that he would clench his fists really tight, angle his head to me, and then end up looking away.
How I craved for his glance. Just something that would keep me from going crazy and crying myself numb at night.
As the bell rang, he walked out of the classroom and I counted his steps.
"I love you." I whispered.
How did we come to be here?
I walked away from my only class with Bella quickly so I would not be tempted to turn back and confess everything to her.
It was all my fault. If only I hadn't been such a coward and done things differently that day, three years ago.
I smiled to myself as I entered the classroom. I had been very happy lately.
Jane, one of Bella's friends, had told me before she moved that Bella liked me, and I had thought she was joking at first.
But then her other friends started getting into it. They would drop hints and every time I was around Bella, she would always blush.
Could she possibly like me back, or was it just her friends playing a cruel joke? I decided one day, February 10th, that I would find out.
I wanted to make sure that I didn't end up looking like an idiot though.
So I wrote the note so she wouldn't take me seriously if her answer was no. If she did, however, like me, she would take it seriously and answer yes.
I didn't think she liked me back though, so I braced myself for a "no."
I gave the note to Jessica and left for my next class. I didn't think much about it at the time. I thought I had a full-proof plan. Insurance.
I didn't know what had her so angry but I figured it out after I saw the whispering and pointed looks. Everyone knew.
Not only was I humiliated, but I lost Bella Swan that day. I could have at least kept our friendship and never have written that note, but I did.
Two weeks later, after no communication what so ever, we had a huge argument. I don't even remember what caused it. Something small that set us both off. I think it was a debate in class….
We never talked after that, unless it was to say something mean to the other. I didn't hate her, even though I wanted to.
I just went along for the ride so there was at least some type of communication between both of us. I always looked forward to our arguments and always listened to anything that had to do with her.
I learned later, that I was in love with her.
When I found out she was going out with Jacob, I lost all hope that maybe she cared for me. Hate is a thin line away from love, right? But apparently not.
My heart broke each time I saw him waiting for her after a class. Or every time they hugged.
Bella hated hugs, and touching even more. She hardly ever hugged her friends because it was too weird for her. I didn't know the exact reason she didn't like to be touched, but she cringed or frowned every time she was. The only person she would hug willingly was her brother, Emmett.
I'm guessing she cares about Jacob enough to let him hug her.
I couldn't even look at her now without wanting to scream. I didn't hate Jacob Black. No, I just envied him. I remember, the night I found out they were together, I went home and tore apart my room.
This was all my fault.
"Hey, Edward." I heard her voice say.
I looked up, shocked. She never talked to me on such a casual tone
"Hi." I replied, sitting down.
"So, how was your weekend?" She asked.
I couldn't help the crap that came out of my mouth.
"This is freaking me out, why are we talking?" I blurted out.
Her face flushed before she looked away.
"Maybe I just wanted to have a decent conversation with you." She said quietly.
Apparently, I couldn't control my mouth today because the next thing I blurted out was, "We haven't had a decent conversation since ninth grade."
Her head snapped back up to me and her eyes shined, making her look dangerous. She looked pissed.
"Really? I didn't notice." She snapped sarcastically.
"Jesus, are you PMS'ing or something? Why do you always have to be such a bitch?" I snapped back.
"Why do you always have to be such an ass?" She snapped back. I noticed people started to look our way.
"What the hell did I do?" I asked angrily. For years, I had a list in my head to what made things go wrong that day, but I never knew the real answer. What did I do to make Bella Swan hate me?
"I shouldn't have to tell you, you prick!" She hissed before she shot out of her chair and walked out of the room.
I chased after her immediately, only barely taking notice of the tardy bell ringing and the teacher finally realizing that we left her room..
Bella had gotten a good head start and she was already in the parking lot when I finally caught up to her. I grabbed her arm, and jerked her around to look at me.
"What the hell is your problem, Bella Swan? One minute, I'm getting hints that you like me, and the next, your slapping me in the face! If anything, this is all your fault!" I yelled at her.
It felt good to yell. It served as an outlet for those bottled up feelings of three year's worth of jealousy, anger, confusion, rejection, and depression. I wasn't thinking clearly, obviously. But God, I just wanted to know.
Was it because I had been stupid enough to use Jessica as a messenger instead of confronting her myself. I knew Bella hated the spotlight, and yet I set her up for the gossip train by using Jessica. Was it because I didn't bother to look as if I actually wanted her? Were we just too young and dramatic. Was it everything? In my mind, I wanted to blame Bella in some way, but I knew that this somehow traced back to me.
But right now, I felt angry and rejected. Mad at myself for being a coward, mad at her for always being angry at me and going out with Jacob, but most of all, I was mad at the world that seemed to hate me and wouldn't allow me to be with Bella.
The rain poured hard around us and she glared murderously back at me.
"What's my problem? I'll tell you what my problem is, Edward Masen! You! I really liked you, Edward! You were a great guy, a great friend, and I was finally going to allow myself to believe that romance wasn't only meant for fiction novels. Instead I ended up with a jerk who turned me into a live joke for the entire town!" She yelled, her voice breaking as she glared back at me with pure anger and hurt.
I felt my heart freeze as I broke down her words. Sure, it hurt that she hated me because she thought I didn't actually like her and was just teasing her. Sure, it hurt that she called me a jerk even though that's not who I really was. But what hurt the most was that she said she liked me. Past tense. My hopes of her still having some type of affection for me vanished.
"I'm sorry, Bella." I whispered, barely being heard over the rain. "I was a coward. You weren't a joke to me, I just thought that your friends were playing with me. I figured that if I used the note, rejection would be easier for me to take, because it wouldn't be as serious. I didn't think that you actually…liked me back." I finished lamely.
She stared blankly back at me, contemplating my words. I held my breath, hoping she wouldn't slap me or walk away. I don't think I'd be able to survive if she walked away again.
"Edward," she started. "I…uhg, this is so supid...I care about you. I did then and I do…now. I…I love…I love….never mind."
But I needed her to finish saying what she was saying, and I prayed that she was going to say what I thought she was going to say.
"Nothing." She said quickly.
"Bella, please." I pleaded.
I unconsciously stepped closer and took her hands in mine, causing her to look up, startled. The change of positions made her lips dangerously close to mine.
"I…love..you." She finally said.
I felt my heart swell and burst in happiness and I couldn't help myself as I smiled widely and crushed my lips to hers. She stood frozen for a second before her lips began to move with mine. But in that brief second, I remembered something essentially important.
I pulled away. Bella looked up dazed and moved to pull me back down but I held her away gently.
"Jacob?" I growled his name, feeling as if she'd been stolen from me. Here I was thinking she was finally mine, but she was still with him.
But then she shook her head.
"No." She whispered, leaning in close. My heart swelled
"I love you so much, Bella." I sighed, relieved.
She pushed up with her tippy-toes and met my lips again.
One thing's for sure: I wouldn't get caught writing a note ever again. This woman deserved only my words.
So I know the plot is a little strange and might be a little hard to follow, but it is something that can happen in real life.
Just a quick recap for those who got confused: Edward and Bella liked each other as freshmen. Edward asked her out using the note because he thought he was going to be rejected and it would be easier to except that if it wasn't face to face. Bella thought he was just being mean to her, and making fun of her for liking him.
Bella didn't really like Jacob but she felt like she did because he was the only decent guy who she approved of, besides Edward, to show her any interest. She actually only likes him as a friend.