A/N: This fic is part of a terrfying and intensive project created by myself and my good pal, Neko-chan WE3. The challenge? 24 Ridiculous Pairings that Might Just Work. These are fics for pairings that, as far as we can tell, have never even been considered by the average human being. After searching through the archives of FFnet, we determined that absolutely no fics under the category of each pairing are in existence. Now, we are remedying this sad fact.
This is the first one that we've completed; we're collaborating on four fics and we each have ten individual pairings to write.
Sorry to anyone who was expecting a DN fic from me; I'm still working on IAWL and my other projects, but this was hella fun.
NOTE: This is crack. Crack, crack, crackity crack. Take note.
(Also, we don't own Naruto. Aren't you glad?)
Hinata was generally a very intelligent girl. She was a bit shy, a bit socially awkward, and a bit confused when it came to interacting with people, but she got along well enough. Her friends were nice and understanding and helped her along when she got too out of sorts. She was getting better, or at lest she thought she was.
Even with all her newfound skill with reading people Hinata was rather confused at what Lee could possibly be doing sneaking out of her house at six in the morning. He looked horribly embarrassed at her seeing him and turned a bright red that clashed oddly with his green jumpsuit. Very oddly at that. What was wrong with his jumpsuit? While Hinata tried to figure that out Lee spluttered something about early morning training and getting lost and sped away. Hinata passed it off as a one time thing.
Two weeks later when it happened again Hinata was able to pass it off yet again. And the third time. And the fourth time. But the time after that she was getting a bit suspicious.
Really, what could Lee possibly be doing at her house so early in the morning time after time unless he's… oh. Well. It was quite possible that he was sleeping with Neji-nii-san, they were the same age and, from what she could tell with her Byakuugan training, it wasn't that strange between teammates.
The next time Lee appeared in the morning Hinata invited him down to breakfast. He tried to turn it down, once again with the excuse of early morning training, but Hinata drew on the depths of her resolve and the confidence training that Kiba's mom was always trying to iron into Hinata's head and forced him down to the table. It was an awkward meal.
Lee looked horribly embarrassed, and kept glancing longingly at the open door to the back yard. Hinata managed to only be a little worried by the fact that he didn't eat much. By all accounts he should have a large appetite. Neji-nii-san walked in, arched an eyebrow at the embarrassed green mass sitting at his table, and walked out again. Lee sank a little in his chair. Hinata was only a little disappointed.
Father was the next person to walk in. He looked horrified to see Lee there and clutched at the door frame gasping for air. Lee turned bright red and seemed to be trying to get the ground to open up and eat him. Father made some excuse and stumbled out again. Hinata was slightly more disappointed and turned back to her guest only to find him already rushing off. Was it just her or did he seem to be going a bit slower this morning?
It continued on like this, Lee slowly becoming more and more accustomed to being at the large table. Eventually they had some very lively discussions about, well, they weren't really discussions, it was more Hinata nodding in interest while Lee ranted about Youth, but it was lively! Even Father was eventually convinced to join them in the mornings and then the conversation was turned more towards training. Neji-nii-san was never convinced to eat with them, which was a pity, but it was nice all the same.
Then one day Hinata opened a door and found Father pinning Lee to the ground. It didn't look like a very effective one either. And she was vaguely sure that Father kind of needed that sash to keep his robe on…. oh. Oh! So that's how Lee's jumpsuit came off! Well then.
Hinata ignored the two's odd splutterings, closed the door, and went to have a nice, quiet mental break down in her room.
A wet thunk echoed throughout the luxurious bathroom as a tube of toothpaste was hurled with deadly precision at the shower door.
Ignoring the minty stains spread across the glass, Neji Hyuuga followed the tube's trajectory and slumped against the door, his usually proud figure looking dispirited and rather tense. Closing pale eyes and bringing his hands up to cover his ears, Neji wondered why the hell he had found himself in this particular situation.
Neji had only just begun his daily hair-conditioning regime when the peaceful sound of running water had been interrupted by a brief yelp from the adjacent room. Knowing that this particular bathroom was situated next to his uncle's private chambers, Neji had naturally been concerned for the old bastar—er, his dear uncle Hiashi.
As he was a Hyuuga, Neji did not bother to leave the bathroom and go knock on his uncle's door. Instead, he simply activated the ever-useful Byakuugan and zeroed in on the events in the other room.
Now, Neji had seen some pretty horrifying things in the course of his training. Disembowelment and beheading were regarded as a matter of course by now. However, the sight he was met with in his Uncle's room was one that would surely continue to haunt his dreams for years to come.
His uncle, entangled on the king-sized bed with Rock Lee, the Green Beast of Konoha.
It was…it was horrible.
The massive eyebrows contorted lustfully, Hiashi's robes askew and pale eyes half-closed in pleasure…it was enough to make Neji drop his expensive conditioner in horror and immediately drop the Byakuugan.
Closing his eyes didn't even help; it just made the mental images more vivid. He had seen Rock Lee engaged in sexual activity. He had seen his uncle engaged in sexual activity. The fact that they were together? Even worse.
Neji dug the palms of his hands further into his ears as a joyful moan drifted through the wall.
When it was followed by a deeper, instantly recognizable groan, Neji lost it. Standing up from the floor and brushing flaking toothpaste out of his hair, Neji took a deep breath. Assuming his usual proud posture, he gritted his teeth and walked out of the bathroom. He definitely did not stop to wipe tears from his eyes with trembling fingers before opening the door. That would have been cowardly.
As Neji emerged from the bathroom (which he could obviously never set foot in again after seeing all that), he was met by more ecstatic exclamations coming from behind the closed door next to him.
This was disgraceful! When had his uncle even met Neji's teammate, anyway? Hadn't the Hyuugas inflicted enough damage on Neji's psyche without adding this travesty to the list?
And Lee! How dare he? Starting a relationship with your teammate's unpleasant uncle was hardly a trustworthy act. As soon as Neji could look the green-clad boy in the face again without sobbing, they would definitely be having words. Sharp, serious, and above all fully-clothed words.
It was time to end this ridiculous scenario before one of Neji's more impressionable cousins came along and became scarred for life. Swallowing in absolutely-not-terror, Neji knocked firmly on the door.
He heard the two occupants of the room grow utterly silent. So, they wanted to act as though they weren't there, eh? Well, he'd just see about that….
The door was slammed open by one singularly enraged Hyuuga, who then became a highly repulsed Hyuuga when met with the sight of his esteemed uncle and crazed teammate in a sweaty and unclothed tangle on the bed.
"Neji!" Lee said nervously, retrieving his hideous spandex suit in record time and yanking it on over damp legs. "Are…are you crying?" he then asked, looking more closely at his usually-austere teammate's face.
"No!" Neji retorted. To his pride, his voice hardly cracked at all. "I just…how dare you, Uncle?"
Hiashi stood up slowly, shrugging on his elegant clothing. "Neji…" he muttered awkwardly, avoiding his nephew's gaze. "It was very rude to burst in as you just did."
Neji, for once in his life, was at a loss for words. Smiling apologetically at his teammate, Lee hopped out of the bedroom window before Neji had a proper chance to dismember him. Hiashi, now fully clothed, simply strode past the silent boy and into the hall. Turning, he commented, "If you mention this…occurrence to your cousins…well, I think you can imagine the repercussions of such an action." Smirking, Hiashi patted the young man on the top of his beautifully-conditioned head. "Have a fine day, my nephew."
Neji made sure to wait until his uncle had turned the corner to curl into the fetal position. After all, it didn't befit a Hyuuga to show his emotions in public.