Author Note: Yeah, I know it's not April Fools anymore. So yeah, this is a bit late. But I just had to get it out. And constructive criticism is loved.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach ' - . -
Warning: OOCness, silliness, yaoi, and crack.
Gin rolled over in his bed, grumbling at the sound of footsteps. "Nah yet. Tryin' ta sleep."
"I came all the way here to see you, and that's all you have to say to me?"
Eyes instantly flew open, moreso than usual. "R-Rangiku?" He rubbed away his blurry vision, sitting up. Nope, still Rangiku. "Whatcha doin' here? This a dream?"
She crossed her arms, accentuating her huge breasts. "Do I look like a dream?"
"No," he affirmed, "Yah don't. But why're ya here? How're you here?"
"I have my ways," she said, quite vaguely. "As for why I'm here..." She crawled over him, pushing him down into the bed.
Gin gulped as he got an eyefull of her cleavage. Aizen wouldn't be happy... but his mouth refused to say anything discouraging. In fact, it had gone dry. He feared that speaking would only result in babbling, and by no means was going to risk that. She undid the first button on his night shirt. Never mind, he had to take a risk. "Ai-Aizen-sama won' be happy."
She raised a brow. "Are you planning on telling him?"
Gin hesitated. "Tha' yer in Las Noches."
Her mouth was on his, and at first he responded... the lips felt right, but the kiss felt wrong. He tried to push her away, gasping for breath. "W-waz wrong?" He had made sure to ask before she could.
"What're you talking about?"
Must not be distracted by breasts... don't be distracted... "Ya kiss different then that one time."
Matsumoto scowled, getting up. "Fine. I'll be leaving then."
"Uh... wait... Not bad different... Jus'..." He paused as she reached the door, getting to his feet. "'ey, I didn' mean t'..." He wasn't good at apologizing, and he didn't want her to leave. What was he to do?
Rangiku turned to him. "You lost your chance, Gin." And then she disappeared out the door.
Aizen was sitting in the monitor room, watching something specific while humming to himself. What a wonderful start to the day! He quickly changed the screen to something different as he saw Gin leave his room, still wearing his purple unicorn-and-butterfly pattern pajamas. And Aizen knew the first place the other man would go.
Indeed, the door to the monitor room was soon opening. Aizen turned to Gin, who froze upon seeing Aizen. "Good morning, Gin."
"Ah, y' too, Aizen-sama." His usually smiling mask looked strained. "Whatcha doin' up so early?"
Aizen hid his smirk. Surely Gin wanted the room to himself. "I heard something and it woke me up." It had just the effect the previous captain wanted. Gin's eyes opened slightly, only done when something worried or surprised him.
"Find out what it was?"
"No. Did you see anything unusual this morning?"
"Hmm? No, course not. Nothing." A pause as he averted his eyes. "Actually, yes."
Aizen inwardly grinned. So Gin was more obedient to Aizen than loyal to Matsumoto?
"Don' lemme eat sweets before bed again. Makes me have strange dreams."
"Can't remember. Jus' know that they're weird."
Aizen sighed. "Gin. I've been watching the cameras all morning. Do you think I missed the display in your room earlier?"
"With Matsumoto Rangiku?"
Gin actually blushed, surprising his leader. "Y'see, tha' was..."
Aizen listened through a few minutes of incessant babbling before it became too much, laughter no longer allowing itself to be held back. He laughed even harder at Gin's look, which was worried confusion. "Gin, do you know what day it is?"
"Actually Monday," Aizen corrected. "But what else?"
"The day the sereitei attacks?"
"No. It's April Fool's Day."
Silence. Then understanding. "Matsumoto wasn' here, an' that was yer sword's illusion?"
"Yes." More laughter.
Gin scowled. He hated it when he was on the receiving end of a joke. He crossed his arms childishly. "Tha' wasn' nice."
Aizen forced himself to calm down, handing Gin a paper. "Here. Prank someone and give this to them."
Grimmjow scowled, punching the wall. He had snuck off to the human world to have a battle with Kurosaki, but three other shinigammi showed up. What's worse, they refused to let him get to Ichigo, which meant that the arrancar really had no reason to stay.
He hadn't even gotten to sneer at the red head.
"Yes?" he demanded, glaring at the creepy fox-faced man, gritting his teeth. "What is it?"
"Ulquiorra killed Ichigo under Aizen's command. Just wanted t' tell you."
He could already feel his eyes widen, anger boiling up within him. "He what!" Pure rage filled his form, causing him to see red. Maybe, when Grimmjow had been catching the attention of all the shinigami in town, Ulquiorra had gone after Kurosaki! "He's dead!"
Oblivious to Ichimaru's snickering, Grimmjow flash stepped to the throne room. Ulquiorra spent his free time there, watching the Hyougyouku. Aizen had said he didn't have to, but Ulquiorra said it was his pleasure. Grimmjow sped up his pace at this thought. That goody two shoes, prey stealing bastard!
He caught sight of Ulquiorra instantly upon entering the throne room. A hand around a slender throat, he shoved the slighter arrancar against the wall. Ulquiorra showed brief surprise before it faded into that blank mask again.
"You." Grimmjow said it shortly.
"Take your hands off of me, trash."
Grimmjow growled. "You steal my prey, and that's all you've gotta say?"
Ulquiorra's expression hinted at a frown. "If Aizen-sama ordered me to do such, I would." He ignored the way the hand tightened around his throat, still not cutting off his airway. "However, he has yet to ask that of me."
Grimmjow paused. Ulquiorra wouldn't lie to him, would he? It made no sense. He would probably admit it with a smirk. Well, maybe not a smirk... but he'd be smug. "But... Ichimaru said..." His grasp fell, and Ulquiorra pushed past Grimmjow.
"Whatever he said, you must have misinterpreted."
For once Grimmjow was without a comeback. Had he misinterpreted? He left the throne room, much slower than he had been when entering. As he turned the corner, Gin stopped before him. The sixth resisted the urge to cero the shinigami.
"Y'know how ta read?" Ichimaru questioned, innocently enough.
"What do I look like, and idiot?" Grimmjow realized his mistake, adding, "Don't answer that."
"Ah, ok, Grimmy-chan. This's from Aizen-sama." And he handed Grimmjow a piece of paper.
Ulquiorra stared at the door, boredly. He didn't even mind that trash had touched him, because it had removed a moment of boredom. Normally he liked his job, but today he just couldn't.
Grimmjow entered again, and Ulquiorra took note of the blank mask on the other arrancar's face. This couldn't be good. He preffered angered Grimmjow, or even smug Grimmjow, to unreadable-Grimmjow.
He found himself against the wall once more, and wondered why he kept letting this happen. Shouldn't he have tried to dodge? Why bother? Trash can't hurt me.
"Ulquiorra, you know what you make me want to do to you?"
"I don't consider what goes through the mind of trash."
A frown, before it returned to the strangely-blank mask. "Well, you should."
Ulquiorra had no time to resist, eyes widening in shock as Grimmjow pressed their lips together. He tried to push away, thoughts hazy as Grimmjow sucked the fourth's lower lip into his mouth, nibbling gently. The slighter espada tried to push away, even as he responded to the kiss, eyes fluttering shut. His lip was released, and he could feel a tongue trying to enter his mouth. Unwittingly, he allowed it in, black nails digging into the wall.
He gasped for breath, shocked and feeling disappointed, when Grimmjow pulled away. Grimmjow stepped back, and Ulquiorra glared at the smug expression. He knew his hair was sticking up at odd angles, lips bruised, face stained red if the heat was any indicator. Grimmjow probably felt great to be able to do this to the fourth. "Why'd you do that, Grimmjow?" He had to know.
"What, you thought there was a real reason?" The teal-haired espada laughed, handing Ulquiorra a paper. "That's from Aizen. Read it and you'll understand."
Ignoring golden eyes was hard for Nnoitra. Anyone who was being watched by a crazed scientist would feel perturbed, after all. He risked another glance at Szayel, checking to se if he was still watching. Eyes narrowed in confusion as Ulquiorra approached the scientist. He was standing only a few yards away, and could hear the conversation quite well.
"Aizen-sama has died. He expressed a wish for you to become the new king of Las Noches."
Nnoitra stared blankly at the fourth. Ulquiorra was never one to lie, or even joke around. But there was no way this could be true...
Szayel pushed his glasses further up his nose. "What's the catch?"
"You have to wear this." And Ulquiorra held out a pink tutu and a purple with pink polka dots leotard.
Nnoitra snorted. No one would wear that, even for-. He paused midthought as Szayel took it from Ulquiorra, smiling brightly. "This is all it takes? How'd you get one in my size?"
Poor Nnoitra covered his eyes, yelping, as Szayel started to undress. He peeked through his fingers, flushing but unable to look away...
Szayel was dressed surprisingly fast. "Great! Now I shall rule Las Noches! I knew Aizen-sama was smart. A scientist would make the best leader, out of all the espada!"
Ulquiorra handed over a crown that matched the leotard, except it had yellow rhine stones that matched Szayel's eyes.
"Perfect!" And that was put on as well. Within the blink of an eye, Ulquiorra had whipped out a camera, taken multiple pictures, and burnt Szayel's original outfit. Then he handed the eighth espada a piece of paper, without a word, disappearing with sonido.
Szayel gawked, wide eyed. "Was... was this all for black mail purposes? Ulquiorra, of all people?" He fell silent, reading the note in his hands. Nnoitra decided to get away from the scientist while he was distracted, making his way to the food court.
Stark blurrily opened his eyes. He could've sworn he had felt a familiar reiatsu over him... And why was the table so cold? He looked down, spotting a mirror. Curious, he held it up to his face.
He had a goatee now. When he looked closer, he saw that the goatee was drawn with miniature cat drawings. He had a cat goatee. Someone was going to be hurting.
He paused in his musings as he spotted a paper.
Tousen walked blindly down the hallway, still lost. He was going to kill Gin for rearranging the halls.
Who was speaking to him? Was it someone willing to help him out of this infernal maze?
"Oh. You can only read braille. Never mind."
And he was left in silence once more, in a hall he was pretty sure was empty.
A pain ignited in his nose, something warm trailing down to his mouth, over, and dripping off his chin... He had run into a wall again.
Damn you, Gin.
Aizen clicked the buttons for different rooms around the castle, unable to find Nnoitra in any of the regular spots. Where was that espada?
Aizen was unsurprised to find the fifth espada in his room, on his bed, glaring holes at the wall. Aizen had seen Szayel's staring. He was surprised when Stark entered the room, wide awake. Nnoitra had jumped at least two feet in the air, and appeared too confused to complain. It wasn't often the primera espada spoke to him, and he'd never showed up at his room.
Turning up the volume, the leader of Las Noches was just in time to hear the good part.
"Aizen-sama has ordered you to become Szayel's experiment."
Eyes widen in horrified shock. "Are you in this with Ulquiorra?"
"Ulquiorra? I haven't seen him yet today. But yeah, Aizen-sama will be mad if you aren't at Szayel's lab within five minutes."
The spoon-like arrancar stared shocked, gawking, before scowling. He got up, shaking with fear. Or at least that's what Aizen decided to call it.
"I won't do that!" And he exited his room. It was strange, because Aizen soon found a knocking on his door, Nnoitra bursting in without permission.
"Ah, Nnoitra. What brings you here?" Aizen made quick work of switching to a different camera on the monitor.
"Stark says you want me to be Szayel's experiment?"
Aizen smirked. "Is there a problem with his orders?"
Nnoitra's only visible eye twitched. "Did I do anything to upset you, Aizen-sama?"
"No, you did nothing wrong."
And Nnoitra sonido'd from the room. Aizen instantly switched the monitors to follow mode, then typed inNoiotra, just remembering this mode's existance. And just in time to see Nnoitra crash into a... leotard, tutu, crown wearing Szayel? Today was going too good for Aizen.
Stark showed up in the middle of the started argument, calming it down by handing Nnoitra a paper. Said primera espada also disappeared really fast. Though not before Nnoitra finally noticed the drawn on goatee, snickering to himself.
Nnoitra read over the paper. Shrugging, he figured, Why not? and went to look for a victim. And of course he had only one person in mind.
It took a while, but he finally managed to find her. The third espada, Halibel, was in the throne room, arms crossed as she stood by a wall. Her three fraccion were with her, babbling excitedly.
The chattering stopped once he approached, eyes cast on him. He was still trying to figure out what to do. Why had he come without a plan? Thought one would jus' come t' me.
But words were soon spilling from his mouth, as if he had planned.
"That outfit makes you look fat." There. That was definitely a joke.
He didn't see it coming, smacked so hard across the face that he flew into the wall on the opposite side of the room. He could feel something warm and sticky trail down his scalp, but forced himself to his feet. He sonido'd to Halibel, thrusting the note into her hand. "Here. From Aizen-sama." And got himself the hell out of there. Insolent woman.
Halibel looked over the note, then at the overhead clock. Two o'clock P.M. She had an hour till three. Saying a quick parting to her fraccion, she exited the throne room.
Aizen had taken a break to eat lunch, but it had lasted longer than intended. Turned out Gin was feeling chatty today.
So, mere moments after he had returned to the monitor room, the only female espada walked in. "Halibel. What brings you here?"
"Aizen-sama," she greeted politely, voice as serious as ever. "I worry about Ulquiorra."
The shinigami frowned. What could his perfect, obedient, flawless Ulquiorra do? "Why so?"
"He was biting his nails."
That was strange, yes, but... "And why is that worrisome?"
"He also swallowed them."
Aizen resisted the urge to shiver. Gross. How could Ulquiorra, of all his precious espada, do something so unhygienic? "You saw him do this?"
"Yes, Aizen-sama. And he was talking to himself, while mumbling about eating the other espada."
Has he lost all self control? Am I going crazy? How could this happen to me? ME? "I... Thank you for reporting this to me. I'll call him to me immediately."
"What time is it?"
"About two fifty five, why?"
She handed him the note and bolted.
Aizen looked at it, finding a smirk tug at his lips, relief at his heart. Thank Himself, Ulquiorra isn't doing such things.
"Now time to make my way to the throne room."
Ulquiorra glanced at a randomly placed circular clock. It was almost three. Using sonido, he was in the throne room within seconds. He raised a brow upon seeing Szayel still in beyond-drag, Stark having drawn-on facial hair. This was indeed strange. Halibel looked a bit anxious, which was different. Nnoitra was on the opposite side of the room as Szayel, and Ulquiorra figured it was purposeful.
Said espada blinked, turning so he could see Grimmjow. He had missed the sixth in his examination of the room, somehow. "Yes?"
"Who'd you prank?"
Ulquiorra took a picture from his pocket, handing it to Grimmjow. The sexta instantly laughed. "This's awesome. How'd you trick him into this?"
"I told him Aizen-sama has died and wanted Szayel to be the new king, as long as he wore that."
Ulquiorra raised a brow as Grimmjow continued to laugh. Was there something wrong? All noise stopped as shinigami appeared out of nowhere, yet everywhere, all at once.
Stances were attained, battles begun, but the shinigami were impossible to defeat. Ulquiorra was merely fighting the defensive, confused as to what was happening. This made absolutely no sense.
Suddenly, the shinigami disappeared, a familiar voice filling the air. "April Fools." And then they saw the sweets all over. This time, it was for real.
Ulquiorra remembered the note in his head quite clearly, as he took a bite out of a surprisingly delicious chocolate chip cookie. Or at least that's what Grimmjow said it was, the sixth urging Ulquiorra to try many different things. He raised a brow when Grimmjow linked hands, but decided against pulling away. Even if his stomach did flutter strangely.
If you get this, you have just been pranked. Take no offense, for this is part of a human holiday, called April Fool's. Go and prank one more person, and then give them this note. It can't be the person who pranked you, and you can't repeat what you've read on this paper. Meet in the throne room at three o'clock P.M for a surprise.
aka: the most awesome god ever to exist
A.N. I'd appreciate Reviews! Remember, constructive criticism is loved!