Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, at all. If I did, the show would be a tad bit different... And more crackish. So thank the heavens I don't
Warnings: m/m, possible hints of m/f, crackishness, possibility of Stockholm Syndrome, confusion over what certain cat traits.
Pairings: UlquiGrimm, SzayNnoitra, hints of AizGin
Orihime wrung her hands behind her back. "Well.. yes. Everyone's been so kind to me, and I wanted to pay them back."
She felt her anxiousness return tenfold when Aizen's eyebrows twitched, though only for a second. He was like Ulquiorra, in a way. He had emotions, yet managed to hide them. Except Aizen hid it with smugness.
"We have kidnapped you, and you wish to pay us back. What a strange girl."
She could feel her face burn. "Not for that! Ulquiorra-san has been really nice to me."
Happiness bubbled up at her at being able to actually answer with assurance. "He let me make my own food, listens to me when I need to talk, let me hug him when I was feeling sad and lonely, and takes me for walks around Las Noches!" She grinned. "And he showed me the garden room."
"Really?" Incredulity. "Ulquiorra did all this?"
Oops. Was this supposed to be a secret? "Um... yes?"
A pause. "How... surprising. I agree to your proposal. I'll send someone to help you in the kitchen and attain what you need."
"How many people are there that I should make things for?"
"Well, the ten espada, and then as many more as you want."
When Ulquiorra woke up that morning, he was already in his schedule-routine mindset. So when he stepped out of bed, spotting a basket by his bedroom door, he was confused. Picking it up, he examined the strange thing. It overflowed with Orihime's reiatsu.
Within a green basket were what looked like real, three dimensional rabbits. Things in the shape of eggs were wrapped, a few plastic eggs visible. What was this? He'd bring it to Inoue and ask her.
Leaving his room, green basket in hand, he saw Grimmjow leaning against the wall. Orihime's reiatsu and a rare amount of curiosity had kept Ulquiorra from sensing the sixth. He then noticed the stick protruding from Grimmjow's mouth.
"Hey, Ulquiorra, you got a basket too?" Grimmjow had removed the thing from his mouth to speak. On the end of the stick was something blue and round. "You get a sucker too?"
"...Excuse me?" Had Grimmjow just called him a sucker?
The sixth rolled his eyes. "Idiot. That's what this thing is." For emphasis, he shook the sucker.
Ulquiorra decided not to respond. Apparently he wasn't the only one who had gotten a mysterious gift. But then he noticed something on the floor by Grimmjow's feet... "Grimmjow."
"Hmm?" Said with a lollypop still in his mouth.
"Do cats lay eggs?"
Grimmjow seemed to choke, face turning red. "Wh-what?"
"Do cats lay eggs?" He repeated it more firmly.
"You really are an idiot. Of course they don't."
Ulquiorra stared pointedly at Grimmjow's feet. The teal-haired espada followed the line of sight, raising a brow at the blue egg. Picking it up, he noticably sniffed it. "Smells like chocolate." Realization kicked in. "You... you thought... I laid this?"
"It seemed the likely answer."
"Likely? First of all, cats don't lay eggs. Second... even if they did, I'm male."
Ulquiorra frowned. He was aware of such a thing. But... did that mean that all his time with Grimmjow wasn't going to result in a child? "Are you sure males can't give birth?"
Now Grimmjow seemed flustered. Ulquiorra found his confusion rising. "Positive, Ulquiorra. Are you saying that you were trying to... all this time, trying to..."
"Impregnate you? It had crossed my mind." Was it so far fetched? Why couldn't it work?
Grimmjow shook his head. "You're messed up."
Ulquiorra cringed, for once in his life, as Grimmjow cracked the egg open. Why was the baby brown and shaped like a rabbit? "Rabbits are born from eggs? Put it back together so it can grow some more. It's unhealthy."
Grimmjow raised a brow, taking a bite out of the rabbit. "Moron. It's just chocolate. And you're a hollow. What do you care?"
"Animal souls don't supply proper nutrients, so it would be pointless to kill it." And he had a strange soft spot for rabbits. Maybe he had owned one in his past life. But Grimmjow didn't need to know that.
"It's not alive. Get that through your thick, helmeted skull."
"That is because you bit it."
A voice broke through the argument with ease. "Whatcha babblin' on about?"
Ulquiorra found slight relief. It may have only been Nnoitra, but perhaps he would explain why Grimmjow was eating underdeveloped rabbits. "Did you know that rabbits are born in eggs?"
Nnoitra looked confused, never one to mask his emotions. "What the hell're you goin' on about? They're born like humans."
"Grimmjow just cracked an egg open and ate a baby rabbit from it."
"..." Nnoitra seemed to be trying to gather the right words. "There're eggs all over the place. They're all made of plastic, so nothing inside of them is alive."
"Either that or Ichimaru is right, and the eggs are all from Grimmjow."
"What? I'm gonna kill that damn shinigami!" Grimmjow disappeared with sonido.
Ulquiorra noticed that there was something in Nnoitra's hands. "What are you holding?"
"Hm? Oh, weird bean things. Came in my basket. Surprisingly good."
Ulquiorra entered Orihime's room with caution, just this once, making sure to shut the door after him. She was sitting on her bed, munching on a brown egg.
"I didn't know you ate living creatures."
She jumped, as if not expecting him to be there. "Ah! Ulquiorra-san!" She looked at the egg in her hands. "This isn't alive."
"Because you ate it?"
"No, silly. Because it's artificial and chocolate! Candy!" Her eyes seemed to go past Ulquiorra, but he soon realized she was looking at the basket in his hands. "You didn't open it?"
"I don't see what purpose a basket will serve."
Orihime frowned, before her face was alight with a smile once more. "Come here and I'll show you!"
Curiosity getting the best of him, he sat beside her on the bed. Her face turned a light pink, something Ulquiorra could never figure out. She took the basket from him, ripping off the plastic. Then she picked up one of the rabbits. Ulquiorra felt appalled as she peeled off its skin. "Why are you killing it?"
"I'm not," she clarified. "I made it. It was never alive."
"Aizen-sama made me into an arrancar..."
She raised a brow. "But you were already existing. And you have a soul. This," she said, handing the rabbit to him, "is man-made candy. A snack that isn't alive."
Despite himself, locking eyes with encouraging gray, he took a bite. An explosion of chocolatey goodness assaulted his taste buds, eyes falling shut to amplify the sugary taste that much more. Blindly, he took another bite. Something gooey but just as delicious was tasted. Swallowing, he looked back at Orihime's waiting, excited features. What was this treat, that it even appealed to his hollow taste buds? "What is this?"
"Chocolate with mint filling!"
He unwrapped another rabbit, taking a bite. That seemed to be answer enough for her. The flavor coated his tongue...
He promptly spit it out, looking at what was left of the candy. "What is this?" This time, it was said with horror.
She seemed oblivious to the chewed chocolate now on her face, eyes wide with hurt. "Dark chocolate with brocolli filling." Ulquiorra wasn't usually easy to read, but at the moment his disgust was apparent. He chose a lolly pop, standing up and leaving the basket on the bed. He seemed to have had something to say, but had chose against speaking it, leaving the room in silence.
She hoped he would at least enjoy the butterscotch and pickle lolly he had deemed safe.
Grimmjow looked idly into his tea, ignoring the mindless droning of his leader. He could pester Ulquiorra for what had been said later. He glanced up at said espada, directly across from him at the meeting room table. He glanced back at the random swirling of his tea, before doing a double take. Not at the more-pale-than-usually fourth, but the person beside Ulquiorra. Stark. Awake.
The usually-asleep arrancar was staring at Aizen with rapt attention. Grimmjow followed Stark's line of sight.
At first, he saw nothing. The only strange thing was Aizen's silence. Had someone finally found the off switch? But, no, there was something strange happening... What was that white stuff, like hair but more soft in appearance, doing on the shinigami?
It's fur, his brain supplied, and he noted that it was fur. He was just having a hard time processing fur covering Aizen. Or the nose that was looking more pink and buttony, and the slightly-bent ears atop brown hair. No, brown fur. Human features had been replaced by the soft, cute visage of a bunny. A giant bunny.
All eyes instantly went to Szayel. The scientist looked equally surprised, but who would trust it as sincere?
"Hey, Aizen-sama's not looking so well!" Yammy's redundant words echoed throughout the hall.
Tousen stepped out from a shadow, seeming to be facing his superior. His blindness seemed to be a downside, because he merely went back to the shadows.
Whispering immediately started up, as the espada waited for Aizen's next move. Some were calling out, "Bunny-sama?"
Aizen-Bunny blinked, ears twitching. A loud thump sounded as Aizen lept from his chair, landing on the center of the table. His adorable head turned from side to, button brown eyes taking in the espada with seeming fear. It made a strange screeching sound, before abruptly hopping from the table. Yammy screamed, flinging himself out of his seat to avoid being crushed by the great Aizen-Bunny.
Aizen-Bunny looked around, before lifting a leg and lowering his head, licking at himself. Grimmjow grimaced at the gross display. He went to turn his head away, pausing at the sight of Szayel approaching the leader. Golden eyes appeared curious and analytical, as a pale, pink-nailed hand ran down a furry side. Aizen-Bunny lifted his head, his puffy white tail coming back in sight with the change in position. He tilted his head, perhaps in joy...
...and promptly growled, two long, rectangular fangs digging into Szayel's hand. The arrancar cried out, as he yanked his hand from Aizen-Bunny's mouth. He was missing a finger, and Aizen-Bunny was swallowing something. The shinigami settled down, purring after his 'meal'. Szayel calmed down within an instant, curiosity returned. Grimmjow figured the creep had a way to make his finger grow back. Or maybe he would pay a visit to Orihime.
A bright flash filled the hall, burning a black square into the espadas' eye balls. Grimmjow blinked, making out the form of Ichimaru Gin. His grin seemed impossibly wide, nearly separating his face in half. He had something square in his hand, cheerully tucking it into a pocket somewhere on his outfit. "Glad yer gettin' into the holiday spirit, Aizen-sama," said Ichimaru, voice sing-songy. He gave the rabbit a playful pat on the head. Aizen-Bunny growled, head jerking towards his shinigami follower. Ichimaru was instantly five feet away from his leader, still wearing that face-splitting grin. He pressed a button on his cube-shaped object, this time without causing a flash.
Szayel stared with wonder at the creature. He had created a mixture that would turn whoever ingested it into a rabbit(one of many animal potions he was making), but it wasn't ready to be tested. And even if it had been, he wasn't a fool. He would never test it on Aizen-sama.
Ignoring his lack of a finger- for surely ingestion of one of his fraccion would remedy this inconvenience- Szayel took notes. He may have not been responsible for the strange occurrence, but he was by no means going to let the opportunity pass him by.
Vicious. That was one thing he made sure to write down. He wasn't positive, but he was pretty sure rabbits weren't vicious, human-eating beasts.
Though, at the moment, Aizen-sama didn't look vicious. Whiskers twitched as he licked his fluffy white paw.
If the potion had been finished, it should have worn off within three hours. As it was, Szayel was unsure of how long it would take, or if it even would wear off.
"What the hell'd you do to Aizen-sama?"
Szayel glared at Nnoitra for disrupting his important observation. "I didn't do a thing. Someone must have stolen a potion from my lab and slipped it into Aizen-sama's tea."
"Really?" Nnoitra was clearly skeptic. Szayel found his note pad gone from his grasp, now within Nnoitra's hold. Instinctively, thoughtlessly, he made a grab for it. His attempts were hopeless. Nnoitra, both above Szayel in rank and a lot taller, easily kept it out of reach. "It's amusing, but we can't win a war with a squirrel leading us."
"Rabbit," Szayel corrected. "The potion wasn't ready for experimentation. I can't say for sure if it will wear off."
The fifth leaned threateningly over Szayel, using his height as a means of intimidation. All Szayel felt was a strong urge to bite the arrancar, and not at all in the same way Aizen-sama had bit the scientist. Nnoitra placed a hand on each of Szayel's shoulders, letting his reiatsu flare. "Fix i-mph!"
Szayel released Nnoitra's bottom lip from his teeth, feeling suddenly hot, mind fuzzy. Obviously he had to do something about it, to clear his mind so he could work more efficiently... Yes, it's purely for scientific efficiency on my part.
"Tha' won't work. I learned last time," Nnoitra insisted. "We haveta fix Aizen."
"Of course," Szayel said, managing to sound like his usual sciency self. He couldn't stop his skin from flushing as he thought of ways to seduce the other espada, when he had him in a more... controllable environment. "I'll have to go to my lab. Perhaps I'll make time to find a cure-"
"Perhaps?" Nnoitra scoffed after saying this. "I'm going with you. No way you're just going to mess around with your equipment."
Szayel suppressed a smirk. Nnoitra may have been more strong than Szayel, but that didn't make him more intelligent.
His observations of Aizen could wait.
~Ulquiorra 1st Person POV~
I approached my leader with light steps, so as not to startle him. Aizen-sama bared his two huge upper teeth threateningly. I held the object I had acquired up so he could view it, ignoring Grimmjow's pointless words. Something about staying away from, "...that monstrous beast." Aizen-sama's snarl faded, pink button-nose twitching as he hopped closer to me. His mouth opened once more. This time, the giant teeth took a chunk out of the carrot in my hand. I had gotten it from the kitchen, told Orihime had used a few in some of the basket-foods.
Aizen-sama took the rest of the carrot from my right hand, before ducking his head. I tilted my own, trying to figure out the purpose behind such an action. Was it some rabbit ritual, representing positive emotions in regard to food? I didn't think so, but-
"He wants you to pet his head or something," Grimmjow informed. For some reason, he was snickering. I dismissed his strange behavior. Such was common of him.
"Aizen-sama requires no such thing," I said in response. The mere thought was foolish at best.
There was the sound of a snap. I glanced over my shoulder, catching sight of Ichimaru Gin. He seemed suspiciously giddy, almost prancing as he walked, motions over-animated. "What's in your hands?" I asked.
He lifted the cubic device up so I could better view it. "'s called a camera. Takes pictures of things."
I wasn't positive of what he meant, but figured it to be similar to the abilities of my eye ball when I crushed it.
An annoyed sound broke through my curiosity. Big brown eyes looked up, blinking. Aizen-sama nuzzled my hand with a slightly-damp nose. I pulled back from my leader. He followed. I'm unsure how long this went on, but it seemed I was walking around the room with him hopping after me. Usually I would put a stop to such behavior directed towards me, but I felt it wrong to do so to my leader.
Still, I refused to take part in any rubbing with the giant rabbit. I knew from experience that simple touches could escalate. At least with Grimmjow. I wasn't willing to risk it with a rabbit of all beings. Usually Grimmjow was excellent at keeping me from accidental touches with others, but this time all he did was laugh and guffaw at me, clutching his sides as if they were trying to run from him. The oddness of this caused me to pause. Could one's sides detach and run away? Would they need to be caught and reattached, or could Orihime 'reject' them back?
I flinched, unsuspecting of the soft brush of fur against my arm. Aizen-sama had caught up to me. "I refuse to touch you," I announced. Aizen-sama made a strange whining sound. It was baffling to hear it from my leader. His legs bent, as he clearly planned on getting closer to me.
The world spun, the ground slamming into me- No, I slammed into the ground. I watched as Szayel injected Aizen-sama with something, taking in the dissheveled appearance of the fifth. His shirt appeared to be inside out.
I returned to my feet, glancing behind me at the sound of footsteps. Nnoitra was strolling through the door to the dining/meeting hall, more relaxed than I had ever seen him. Aside from that one time, a week ago. He had been near Szayel at the time then, too.
I shifted my gaze to Aizen-sama, taking in the sudden transformation. Fur receeded, features becoming less round and more sharp. Long, bent legs turned into those of a man, teeth shrinking and multiplying within my leader's mouth. I felt a tug on my wrist, and realized Grimmjow was speaking to me.
"Hurry up, Ulquiorra. He's almost normal, n' I don't wanna deal with his wrath."
I followed him out of the hall, mostly because I knew he would result to ceros otherwise, and I didn't want to wreck Aizen-sama's meeting hall again. I chanced a quick glance over my shoulder. Aizen had turned slightly, leaving me with a view of a white, fluffy tail. It didn't appear to be receeding, staying in place. Did all shinigami have one? Perhaps it hadn't been part of the rabbit, after all.
A.N: If you couldn't figure it out, Ichimaru had stolen the 'vial' or potion, whatever you wanna call it. That's why he just randomly walked in with a camera. He had been waiting for it. And he had injected Aizen-sama with a potion shortly before the meeting. It was easy. After all, Ichimaru had been 'distracing' Aizen... O.o
Hmm... I hope this wasn't lacking. Reviews? Opinions, thoughts, advice, and encouragements are appreciated. :D