would you live if you time itself had no meaning?
What would you do if you have hundreds of lifetimes
to do everything you've ever dreamed of?
Edward was right about one thing … I did not know what I was asking for. Not that I've ever regretted changing. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to spend all these decades with the love of my life. If I regret anything it was my impatience.
All these years have given me more depth and experience and knowledge. Edward was right … in the shadow of eternity, what did one more year matter? Or even a few years? I'd been in such a rush to join Edward and his family in their lifestyle that I'd ignored so many things … so many people.
Let's take prom, for instance. As a human, I'd loathed the idea of dressing up and having a large group of people watch me attempt to dance. I was self conscious and uncomfortable. Looking back, I cringe at the memories of how silly I was. I've gone to dozens of proms now. My balance is perfect and when Edward and I dance, it is breathtaking. But nothing will replace that first time stepping into the gym with the lights and the decorations and the music. Not to mention the sounds of friendship. And to think … I appreciated none of it.
Ah, well … that's youth for you. Although I haven't aged a day, I'm not the same person I was at eighteen … or even the same person I was at forty. All of our experiences create layers … all of the happiness … all of the grief … it just adds to our personality. At my core, though, I am still Bella … Edward's Bella.
The first few years were difficult; although, not because of the bloodlust we'd all assumed would be overwhelming. For whatever reason, control has never been an issue for me. Oh sure, there are some wonderful smelling people out there … but I've never given it more than a passing thought.
No, the first few years were difficult because you have to learn how to be a vampire. What would you do if you never slept? If you had extra hours in the day you didn't know what to do with? There was a reason Edward and Rosalie were gifted musicians … if you have multiple lifetimes to live, then … well … you live them.
I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more
The Beatles – In My Life